Long after Paige and Jake had gone upstairs to their rooms, I sat in the study with a book I’d plucked from one of the shelves. Along with an extensive wine selection, Mrs. Moore also enjoyed a good read. She’d packed the cabin full of her favorites, probably for nights just like this.
Finn sat on the other side of the room at the fire, light flickering against his pensive face. I stopped and studied it for a moment, the strength in his jaw and slope of his narrow nose. His hair was mussed, as it tended to be by the end of the day lately. He had a glass of whisky in one hand resting on the arm of his chair and his other hand stroked his jaw, running over the stubble I always enjoyed rubbing my cheek against.
After a moment, I went back to my book, a murder mystery told from the point of view of the killer. It wasn’t the best book I’d ever read but there was something to be said for curling up by the fire and occupying my time with something completely trivial. I missed this down time. I missed the quiet and the peacefulness of just being.
“Are you going to ignore me all night?” Finn asked.
Startled, I lifted my head. He hadn’t said anything for the last hour and I knew he’d been waiting for the right time to talk to me about what had happened. But, selfishly, I wanted to wring every ounce of peace possible out of the night.
“I’m not ignoring you,” I said calmly.
He lifted his eyebrows.
“Okay,” I said, pulling my legs up on the couch. “I’m not completely ignoring you. I know you’re there, Finn, but I really don’t want to fight.”
“Who’s fighting?”
I sighed, trying another tactic. “This weekend was about leaving the stress behind, right? Having time to relax?”
“And spend time together.”
“We are spending time together. We have been all night.”
“No, we’ve been spending time in the same room.” He sighed. “If we were spending time together and relaxing, you’d be sitting with me and reading your book.”
The irritation on his face almost made me smile but I held back. There’d been a time when I’d felt the same way. I needed all of Finn like I needed air. He consumed me. It had been wonderful and scary, and clearly it had frightened him away.
Maybe part of me could understand that now, being on the other end. I was enjoying Finn and our time together. It didn’t mean I didn’t have deeper feelings for him but I didn’t see the point in rushing things.
I patted the couch beside me. “You’re welcome to come over here.”
He glared. “You know what I mean.”
“Finn…”
He stood, setting his glass on a nearby table and walking to the couch. He held out a hand. “Come on. Let’s go upstairs.”
“I don’t want to,” I murmured, sounding like a little kid.
“Then scoot over.”
With a sigh, I moved to the side of the couch. To my surprise, Finn laid down and tapped a finger on his chest. “Relax here. Spend time with me—your way.”
“This looks more like your way,” I said but set my book aside and stretched out beside him, relaxing my head on his chest.
He was warm and sturdy, making me relax immediately. After a moment, he dragged a blanket over us and I cuddled closer.
“That’s better,” he said.
I put my hand over my mouth when I yawned and then frowned when he chuckled. “That book was getting really good,” I mumbled. “Now I’m too tired to read more.”
“So, read more tomorrow. You can sleep now.” He ran his hand down my hair, smoothing it off my cheek. “Besides, I know you were just trying to get me riled.”
“Hey,” I said, my voice already slowing down. “You know how long it’s been since I read a book?”
“Weeks, I’d imagine. Close your eyes.”
I obeyed immediately and then struggled to open them again. “I used to like reading, you know.”
“I remember.”
“What else do you remember?”
The more he stroked my hair, the more relaxed I got, until our breathing was in sync. I listened to Finn’s deep voice and it was like being back in college, where our biggest worries were finals and what we wanted to do when we grew up.
“You had this robe, a silky one with flowers on it. Cherry blossoms. And you’d always, always wear it. Even when I got you a new one.”
“My cherry blossom robe,” I whispered, my hand flexing on his chest. “I remember that.”
“You said it reminded you of Japan—even though you’d never been. But you were always talking about places you wanted to go. Japan, Venice—”
“Probably Maui,” I mumbled.
I was too tired to open my eyes but I heard the regret in his voice. “I want to take you there. Or wherever you want to go. Oasis is up and running—yeah, it might need a few more weeks—but we can get someone else in there for a while. Take some time off.”
My eyelids flickered. “What?”
“A vacation. Some time away together. It—”
“I told you I’m not running away.” I pushed myself up, trapped between the cushions at the back of the couch and Finn’s body.
“That’s not the reasoning behind this.” He shrugged at my look. “Okay, that’s not my only reasoning. I’ve wanted this for longer than you’ve been back. I’d still want this if the situation were different and we weren’t dealing with outside circumstances. I want to be with you, Charlotte.”
“Finn, it’s just—”
“You know what else I remember?” He continued before I could stop him. “You wanted to get married. You wanted kids. You were in love with the idea of a career, of course, but you wanted a family, too. You wanted it all and you weren’t scared that it would be too much. You were ready to grab onto that life. Take a risk and see where it led us.”
My heart thumped hard. I tried again to push myself into a sitting position but Finn’s arm tightened around my waist. “That was a long time ago, Finn.”
“Damn right. Too long. Because it gave me all the time in between to think about those same things and want those same things. A life with you. A family—”
“Oh, God.” I was panicking, I knew it, but the words just kept tumbling out of my mouth. “That’s not—you can’t say that, Finn. I’m not the same person I was. You’re not the same person you were—”
“And yet we found our way back to each other. That’s got to mean something, right? That we’re meant to be together.”
I wiggled against him, one hand on his chest. “Finn, stop. Let me up. This isn’t—”
“Charlotte.” He must have heard the panic in my voice because he rolled off the couch, letting me scramble to my feet after him. “We don’t have to talk about this now.”
“You see what a mess I am, right?” I pointed at my chest. “Inside. I’m…” I drew a calming breath. “I’m pulling it together. I am. I’m getting there but still—you do remember I was engaged before, right?”
His gaze held mine with frightening intensity. “I’m not Mark.”
“I know.” I gripped his arm, trying to get him to understand. “God, I swear I know that Finn. You’re everything he’s not. And you’re better than the person I used to know. You’re ambitious and caring and responsible. You—you’re confident about what you want. You would be a great husband and father. It’s me. It’s me who would be terrible at it. Right now, I can’t even get my life together. I can’t keep dragging other people into my mess.” With a sigh that almost came out as a sob, I said, “You’re already in my mess and look what it’s doing to us.”
Finn stood still like a statue, his eyes the only things moving as they searched my face. “God, Charlotte. Is this why you won’t move in with me? You think you need your life in perfect order first? This is all shit you can’t even control. And after John’s dealt with and Mark’s gone, there’s going to be more shit you can control. That’s life.”
“I know but—”
“No, I really don’t think you do. We’d be building a life together, which means building around the good and the bad. You’re there for me and I’m there for you.”
“Yes, but my bad is…so much worse than anything you should have to deal with. Finn—”
He pulled away from me, shocking me to silence. “You have no idea, do you? No clue that it’s actually possible for someone to love you despite the situation you’re in. So, you fuck up sometimes, we get in a fight, I don’t fucking tell you about Tracy because I don’t want to ruin your whole week here—but we get over it. Together. And when your life sucks, I help you through it. And when mine turns to shit, you help me, too. That’s the way it works, Charlotte. So, if you’re scared to move in with me or marry me”—I flinched at the words—“because you’re not sure of your feelings, I can handle that. But if you’re afraid because you think it’s just going to be one giant echo of your relationship with Mark or you don’t think I can handle it, then our relationship doesn’t have anything to stand on.”
His words rocked me all the way to my toes, tearing at my heart. “Finn…”
“I’m going to bed,” he snapped. He turned off the fireplace and then the light by the couch where I’d been sitting. After another moment, he held out his hand. “Are you coming?”
I automatically put my hand in his. “Yes.”
He led us upstairs. I could still feel the tension rolling off him in waves. All his emotions, hurt, fear, vulnerability, hope for our future—he’d laid it all out there. And I’d been too scared to reciprocate.
We both got ready for bed in silence. When it was dark and we were under the covers, Finn put his arm around me and I laid my cheek on his chest again.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he murmured, lips brushing my hair.
“It’s okay.”
And it was. Because I’d just freaked out over his dreams, his plan for our future, and he was still here with me. Here for me. That’s exactly what a true relationship was about.
And something I’d never had with Mark.
“Are your feet okay?” he asked. “Do you need more bandages?”
“I changed them earlier. It’s healing. It’s fine.”
“Good.”
And then nothing but his breathing.
“Finn,” I whispered.
“Let’s sleep. We’ll feel better tomorrow.”
I nodded even as emotion tickled my throat. He was right. It didn’t make sense to keep talking about this—especially when my heart was still as confused as my mind.
“Goodnight,” I said, lifting my mouth to kiss his jaw.
He touched my cheek and kissed me on the lips. “Goodnight.”
The alarm was shrill when it woke us early the next morning. I jerked out of a comfortable sleep, my heart lurching into my throat.
My eyes swung to Finn’s. “What is it?”
“Security alarm,” he said, already jumping out of bed and dragging on a pair of sweats.
“Oh, God.”
He opened the closet doors and pulled out a box while I turned on the lamp next to the bed. He unlatched it to reveal a small silver gun with a black grip. I instinctively scooted back on the bed, my chest heaving.
“Stay here,” Finn said, lifting the gun so he was holding it at his shoulder, pointed at the ceiling.
I nodded.
“I’m serious, Charlotte. Lock the door behind me and keep your phone close.”
I scrambled to the end table to grab it and clasped it between my hands. “Please be careful.”
“I will.” He opened the door quietly and whispered, “Lock this behind me.”
I hurried to the door, switching the latch once he was outside the room. The alarm continued to shriek for another few minutes before it fell silent. I pressed myself to the door, ear to the surface. There was the low murmur of voices but I couldn’t make out more.
My phone shook in my hand. What if he was hurt? What if something had happened?
I couldn’t lose Finn like this. I couldn’t lose Finn at all. He was the one for me—always had been.
“Finn,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “Where are you?”
Only a dim sliver of light made it through the curtains in the room. It was still early—too early for Curtis to be here. That meant…it had to be someone else.
Clutching my phone to my chest, I set my hand on the doorknob. “Come on, Finn. Come back.”
I listened again but didn’t hear anything. Turning, I searched for something—anything that might make a weapon. I even wished for a gun at this point. All I could find was a heavy vase on the dresser so I grabbed that.
I was still in my oversized T-shirt and my feet were bare on the cold floor but at least they were quiet. With a steadying breath, I unlocked the door and rested my hand on the knob. Then, slowly, I twisted. It barely made any noise except for a small creak at the end.
I froze, waiting to make sure I still didn’t hear anything. And then I pulled the door open and gasped.
“Finn.”
He eyed the vase. “What the hell, Charlotte?”
“Are you okay?” I peered around him to the hallway. “What is it? Is Jake okay? And Paige?”
“They’re fine.” He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Taking the vase from me, he said, “I told you to stay in here.”
“I know.”
“And you didn’t listen to me because…?” He stowed the gun away in the box and set it on the shelf in the closet again.
“I thought you might be hurt. What happened?”
“Fishing,” Finn said, sitting on the edge of the bed. His feet were also bare, hair mussed and eyes sleepy. “Jake’s taking Paige fishing. She forgot about the alarm and opened the front door.”
“Oh.” My breath released in one long rush. I put a hand to my still rapidly beating heart. “I thought—I’m sorry.”
“You need to stay in here. If something happens—you just…” He shoved a hand through his hair and then propped his forearms on his knees. “You need to stay in here.”
I walked to him, stepping between his thighs and forcing him to straighten. I wrapped my arms around his neck and lowered my face to his hair. “Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right.”
“What was that?”
A small smile curved my lips. “I said you’re right. Sorry about the vase.”
“I was less worried about the vase. I want you safe.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
His arms came around my waist and he swung me around so I landed on the bed, releasing a surprised rush of breath.
“It’s too early to be wandering around,” he said, leaning over me. “And too cold.”
I traced my hand down his arm. “Then come in here with me and get warm.”
“I’m going to make some coffee. I don’t think I can sleep anymore.”
“Oh. Right.” I smiled. “Sure. I’ll go with you.”
“No, stay here.”
Stay here? Was he still mad at me?
As if hearing my thoughts, he touched my cheek. “Rest a little longer. Your eyes look tired. I’ll bring you up a cup.”
I forced a smile. I was still tired but that didn’t mean I wanted to lose any time with Finn.
“Rest,” he said again, standing and finding a shirt. “I’ll be back.”
I must have dozed because the sun was shining brightly outside the curtains when my eyelids flickered. I rolled over, stretching my arms high over my head. My shirt rode up, exposing my stomach.
I heard a low sound of approval from the other side of the room. Finn stood in the bathroom doorway, a towel around his waist and his hair damp. He had shaving cream on his jaw and a smile on his face.
“You look good,” he said.
I laughed, easing myself up to lean against the pillows. “I thought you were coming back with coffee.”
“I did.” He grabbed a towel and wiped his chin. He gestured to a mug on the end table. “But you were sleeping so well I didn’t want to wake you.”
I glanced to the mug and made a face. “Cold coffee. Sorry. You should have woken me up.”
“Don’t apologize. You needed it.” He grabbed his mug off the counter in the bathroom and brought it to me. “Here, have some of mine. It’s fresh.”
Grateful, I sipped the coffee and let it warm me. Finn finished wiping his face and returned his towel to the bathroom.
“Are you still…upset about last night?” I called after him.
He stuck his head out. “What was that?”
“I…” I couldn’t say the words again. He looked so happy. So rested. So relaxed. I didn’t want to ruin our day by bringing it all up again. And besides, I still had thinking to do.
Finn’s words had rocked me to my very core. He’d been absolutely right. If I wasn’t there, on the same page as him, he deserved to know. But the scary part was, I thought I was on the same page. I loved Finn with my whole heart. I’d known he was the one for me even back in school.
But hearing him say it now, having him be the one who wanted to take such giant steps forward, scared me. The only thing holding me back was my own fear, and that was entirely unfair to him.
He wasn’t Mark and he wasn’t going to hurt me. And I…even though I wasn’t the same Charlotte I used to be didn’t mean I wasn’t growing into the kind of person I wanted to be. And Finn was helping me. We were growing together.
“Charlotte?” Finn asked, walking out of the bathroom again. “What’s wrong?”
I smiled at him and set his coffee aside. “Nothing. Just thinking about what I want to do today.”
He angled his head, intrigued. “What’s that?”
“Now, don’t get mad…” I said with a smile, crawling to the end of the bed.
“Why would I get mad?”
“Because I want to go out.”
He walked to me, stopping a few feet away. “Go out where?”
“Maybe that little bar in town so I have an excuse to get dressed up and spend the evening with you.” I smiled. “And maybe for a hike this afternoon. Get some exercise.”
He propped his hands on his hips, dropping his chin and staring at the floor for a long moment.
“I want to spend time with you,” I said, rising up to my knees to look him in the eye. “And I need to be outside. I need…”
“If we take the gun.”
My mouth opened in surprise. But I nodded immediately. “Sure. Whatever you think is best.”
“And if we go out tonight, Jake and Paige come with us. Powell, too.”
I smiled. “Absolutely.”
Finn narrowed his eyes on mine. He stepped forward to rest his hands on my hips. “What’s going on with you this morning?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I kissed his jaw, breathing in the scent of aftershave and soap. “You smell good.”
“Thanks. Charlotte—”
I slid my tongue across his lips. He groaned, fingers clenching on my hips.
“This is what we’re here for,” I said. “What you wanted, right? To spend time together. To wind down…”
I pressed my chest to his, only the thin cotton of my shirt separating us. “Please.”
“You keep looking at me that way, we’re not going to be able to leave this bedroom,” he said, voice low.
“No worries. That’s part of the day’s activities, too.” I grinned wickedly. “If you play your cards right.”
I hopped off the bed, laughing when he snatched at my waist. I evaded and shook my head. “Patience.” I flung open the curtains, able to see the small lake behind the house. “Look at that. A perfect day.”
Finn captured me from behind, nuzzling my neck. “And we’re here together.”
It sounded like he was going to say more. Maybe tell me again how this could be our life together. If we moved in with each other. If we got married. But instead, he only kissed my cheek.
My heart swelled with love for him. For the things he’d already said and the things he wasn’t saying. There was so much I wanted to say to him. But not here, in this room. I wanted to feel the air on my face, Finn’s hand in mine, and the freedom of being outside without fear.
I turned, placing my hands on his cheeks. “I love you, Finn.”
“I love you, too.”
“Will you take me to that place?” I asked with a smile. “The one by the lake, under those trees?”
His eyes squinted with his smile. “Absolutely.”