Chapter 18
Felix
Who did Mom think she was? Telling me that I was leading Nora on! I gulped, trying to let my rage grow and develop under my skin. Nora meant nothing to me. She was just an attractive employee at this hotel, who happened to be there when I decided that I needed one more person at the dinner. I could have asked anybody in her place. I could have asked Joan or one of the receptionists… I could have asked Jackson! Nora wasn’t special. I kissed her last night because she was hot, because she was standing there and I had too much to drink. That was all.
I really wanted to believe all those things.
I rolled those thoughts over and over in my head while I sat at the meeting. It was another conference call with the office in New York, and I could hear their droning voices in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention.
All I could think about was Nora and her large blue eyes and her soft sweet lips and how she had trembled when I touched her. I had been trying to convince myself of something that was just not true. I had asked her to come to the dinner because, for some reason, even though I did not want to hear any of the things she had to say, I felt like she saw me. Like she saw inside me. It was scary, and it wasn’t a feeling I was accustomed to, but there it was.
And I had kissed her because she was attractive and beautiful, but also because I wanted to kiss her. Because I had been thinking about her since the first moment I met her. Everything else was just an excuse.
“Sir?” I heard someone’s voice, and I looked up to find people staring at me through the large screen in front of me. I hadn’t heard a word they’d said.
“Yes, I’ll get back to you on that. I have to go now, my apologies,” I said and stood up from my chair and left the room.
I could hear a buzz in the room I had just left. I had not contributed to the meeting at all. Ever since Nora had come into our lives, my work had been affected. It was like she was taking over our whole lives and it was making me angrier by the minute.
I strode to my office and Joan followed me.
“Sir, Mr. Stone… Sir!” I heard her say and I stopped in my tracks and faced her.
“What? What is it, Joan?” I snapped and she gulped.
“Sir, you need to fix a date for your meeting in Hawaii. We’ve kept postponing it. Do you know when you’ll be able to go?” she asked. I shook my head; I’d forgotten all about Hawaii.
“No, I don’t know yet. My mother is in town; she’s staying with us… I need a few personal days,” I told her. I could see the astonishment on Joan’s face. In all the years that she had been working for me, those words had never come out of my mouth. She had never known me to take personal time off, to take any time off at all.
“Okay…yes, of course, sir. I’ll get back to them and let them know.” She spoke in a soft, low voice like she thought I was sick or something.
I pushed open my office door.
“And Joan, just make sure you hold back the calls or any appointments for some time. I need an hour — no, make that two hours,” I said, and I shut the door behind me before she could ask me any more questions.
I sighed deeply when I was finally alone in the office. First, I had walked into the office in jeans and a plaid shirt, and now this…I couldn’t even pay attention to a meeting. I had forgotten all about the deal I was supposed to broker in Hawaii.
I walked over to my desk and slumped down on the chair. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to calm my brain. What was the problem? Was it just that I wanted to sleep with Nora? Maybe if we had sex, I could forget about her and move on with my life. But I couldn’t do that…she was an employee, Cici really liked her, so did Mom… I couldn’t just treat her as a one-night stand, because things would get very complicated. Besides, I didn’t even know what she wanted.
And Cici…I knew I was messing things up with her. She had looked so sad in the morning after I shouted at her. I knew she had overheard some of the conversation between Mom and me. I didn’t know what she thought we were talking about. I wanted to reassure her, make her see that none of this was her fault…it was all me. I was just a messed-up, loser of a father!
I swiveled in my chair, feeling lost.
Having a child was never something I signed up for. Marriage wasn’t something I wanted either. But Natalie got pregnant, soon after we started dating. Marrying her was the right thing to do…it was what Mom had told me to do, so I asked her.
I didn’t know how to be a father; I didn’t even know how to be a husband…but I convinced myself that I would learn along the way. The two years after Cici was born had been good. Natalie and I had gotten married without really knowing each other well, but in those two years, we formed a connection. I thought I could even love her, this woman I married because she was the mother of my child.
And then she was gone, just like that, and I was left with a baby I didn’t know how to take care of. I never asked to be a father, but the one thing I knew was that I wouldn’t give Cici up for anything. Not even to Mom.