Flat on my back, I fidgeted with the string on my hospital gown as I stared at the ceiling in the radiology center. Despite my best effort, my legs shook, rattling the table.

Breathe.

My heart stalled when the lights flicked off, plunging the room into darkness.

The radiologist’s voice crackled over the speaker. “We’re about ready to begin. Are you comfortable?”

Comfortable?

I couldn’t count the number of MRIs I’d had in the last five and a half years, but each one was worse than the last. And I was never comfortable.

“Fine,” I choked out.

Shocked by the sudden jolt, my pulse rate kicked up as the table slid into the tube. Once inside the cylinder, I shrank from my distorted reflection on the metal ceiling. It looked like me—long, dark hair piled on my head, heart shape face, nose a little too narrow. But something was off. There was no life in my eyes. No spark in the amber hue. Before I fully adjusted, the machine whirred to life, the clank clank clank echoing in my head like cannon fire.

“Tori, try to keep still,” came the voice again. “Just relax and don’t fight the anxiety medication. We don’t want to have to do this again.”

If I closed my eyes it would be worse. But the sedative was already taking effect, and my lids were so heavy.

And then I smelled the rain. Felt it slick and warm on my skin. Or was that blood?

Gravel bit into my cheek, and somewhere in the distance, Rhenn called to me.

“Belle …”

But I couldn’t lift my head. I tried now, like I’d tried then. Nothing.

“Belle …”

Drawn to the panic in his tone, I gave in and let myself slip beneath the veil of unconsciousness. And there, beyond the darkness, the worst night of my life waited to sweep me away.

“Shouldn’t she be awake by now?” Taryn asked as I tried to pry my eyes open. “What did you give her, anyway?”

My best friend was a pit bull when she was angry. Or scared. Right now, she was both.

Because the doctor had prescribed a sedative to get me through the MRI, I’d asked Taryn to drive me to my appointment. But as I was coming out of my drug-induced haze, I knew that was a mistake. It was bad enough that I had to relive the trauma of that night. But I hadn’t thought about Taryn.

Stupid.

Though my eyes weren’t cooperating, I fought to push a few words out, but my mouth wasn’t on board with the plan.

The nurse was in the middle of explaining when the door whooshed open.

Doctor Andrews’s soothing voice floated to my ears. “Taryn …” His tone was serene, and I imagined him rubbing her arm the way I’d seen him do so many times after the accident. “Tori’s fine. I prescribed Halcyon, which is a relatively strong sedative, and—”

“Why?” Taryn’s voice trembled despite the authoritative tone. “Why did you give her something that strong? She hasn’t moved. It looks like she’s in a …”

She let out a staggered breath. But I knew the word on the tip of her tongue.

For two weeks after the bus crash that nearly ended my life, I’d lingered in a coma. And during that time, Taryn had never left my side. Hers was the first face I saw when I woke up. And she was the one who had to tell me that Rhenn was gone. And Paige.

A heavy weight descended, pushing in on me from all sides, and a little whimper scraped my throat. That was the drugs. Over the past five and a half years, I’d learned to control my emotions. My tears. The ache that had never truly gone away.

A hint of lavender and Taryn’s warm hand on my cheek. “Tori?” When I didn’t respond, she said firmly, “It’s time to wake up now, Belle.”

If she knew how much it hurt to hear her call me that name would she stop? I thought groggily. But I’d never asked.

With some effort, my lids fluttered open. “H-hey.”

Taryn loomed over me, eyes wide and fearful. “There you are. It’s about time you woke up.” Over the forced humor, relief suffused her tone.

“How …” I cleared my throat. “How long was I out?”

Doctor Andrews’s smiling face appeared over Taryn’s shoulder. “Not too long, champ. A couple of hours.”

Hours.

Struggling to my elbows, my spinning head forced me back down to the pillow.

Taryn grimaced, and with a quick glance to the doctor she asked, “Is she okay?”

“I’m fine, T-Rex,” I grumbled, and this time when I tried to sit up, it wasn’t that bad. My throat was dry as hell, though. “Can you get me some water or something?”

Suspicion flashed across my best friend’s face, like she knew I was trying to get rid of her.

“Um … sure.”

Reluctantly, she left the room, and once we were alone, I met Doctor Andrews’ gaze. “So … what’s the verdict?”

His expression gave nothing away as he took a seat on the stool, but I saw it in his eyes, so I prepared for the worst.

“I’ve sent your films out for a second opinion,” he finally said, grasping my hand when I exhaled a shaky breath. “But it’s my recommendation that you never …”

Once I heard the word “never,” I tuned him out. Not on purpose. But the sound of a dream dying is louder than you might think. It starts with a crash that you feel to your bones, and then slowly takes over all time and space.

I watched his lips move, nodding like I understood. And when the roaring between my ears died down, I focused enough to catch the tail end of his explanation.

“So while it’s technically possible for you to become pregnant,” he said. “Carrying a child to term isn’t advisable.”

It was then that the girl I used to be decided to make an appearance. The one who still believed that anything was possible.

“But they make advances all the time,” I said, my voice timid but hopeful. “I mean, I’m only twenty-nine. Maybe in the future there’ll be some options.”

Andrews shook his head, frowning. “The mesh we put in your abdomen during the initial surgery, it’s become part of you. The tissue grew around it, so it can’t be removed or modified. There just isn’t enough give to withstand the pressure of carrying a child. Let alone labor and delivery. Then there’s the matter of your hip. The pins holding it in place …”

Enough.

Pressing my lips together, I nodded jerkily, and Andrews stopped explaining.

After a long moment, he said, “There are other ways to have a child, Tori.”

I smiled. Fraudulent as hell. “I know. Thank you.”

It was then I noticed Taryn just inside the door, holding the bottle of water in a death grip. Her eyes darted between the doctor and me, and I wondered how much she’d heard.

“Don’t forget to keep up with your exercises,” Doctor Andrews said as he hauled to his feet. When I looked down like a teenager who’d been caught sneaking in after curfew, he chuckled and pulled a prescription pad out of the pocket of his smock. “I’m ordering a couple sessions of physical therapy. Just so you can get into the routine of stretching.”

Groaning, I flopped back against the pillow. “Ugh.”

Unfazed by my melodramatic behavior, Andrews gave the prescription to Taryn, knowing that she’d stay on my ass and make sure it got done. Dropping my chart on the table on his way to the door, the doctor chirped, “See you in a few months, champ.”

“Can’t wait,” I muttered as I sat up.

Taryn’s fearful gaze latched onto mine as she shuffled over. “Is there anything wrong, Belle?”

She thought I was here for a routine exam, but given what she’d walked in on, I needed to reassure her. So I pushed my disappointment down deep. To the pit where there was no sun. And no air. And no hope.

I smiled. “Nope. I’m fine as frogs’ hair. Just need to make sure I keep up with my stretching.”

A pang of guilt shot through me for the lie. But then the tension lines around Taryn’s mouth faded, the smile chasing the rainclouds from her eyes. And without a doubt, I knew it was worth it.