CHAPTER 16

Lucy

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TWO NIGHTS PASS WITHOUT a word from anyone. It’s late, and I should be sleeping like the rest of the house, but it feels like I’ve forgotten how. My ears pick up every sound. The scrape of a tree branch against the tin roof. The hum of the midnight drivers as they prowl. I’m listening for him. Waiting for him to come find me in the night and kidnap me as I struggle in silence. I can still feel the tight grip of his hand over my mouth. My breath is shallow and quick, every muscle tense and set with anxiety. Sleep is not an option.

A rock ticks against the sliding glass door and I jolt, jostling the air mattress. I hold my breath as Ruth sways next to me, but she stays asleep. I hear it again. That familiar calling used to build excitement. Now it makes me feel like a frightened bird in the bushes ready to take flight.

I slide off the airbed, but keep hidden as rocks continue to tick at the door. If it’s him, I’ll scream, I decide. It’ll wake everyone up. Lights will come on and hopefully that will scare him away. I step in awkward patterns, avoiding the squeaky sections of the floor and find a break in the curtains that allows me to peer outside unseen.

It’s Ro. My fear dissipates almost instantly, and I allow my forehead to fall quietly against the cold glass of the door.

Outside she beckons me to the side of the house. I follow without thought, hugging my bare arms against the warm cotton of my nightshirt.

“What’s up?” I ask before I turn the corner.

Vee stands like a brick wall in front of me. I almost plow right into her.

My heart stutters, impatiently waiting for the next few seconds to play out. She’s either here to silence me or to negotiate.

“We all know what happened,” she says, cracking her knuckles one by one. “I can’t say that I’m okay with it, or that it didn’t go unpunished. He’s my brother, though. I trust you understand that was brought into account.”

I just nod.

“I need to know now what you plan to do. If you leave there will be consequences. If you stay you’ll have to face him and the rest of the group.”

Either way I lose. I don’t know what consequences she’s talking about, but my stomach balls into a knot at the thought of being jumped out or whatever else she could mean.

“I can’t stay,” I say with my head down, trying to offer as little information as possible.

Her tongue clicks against the roof of her mouth in disapproval as I wait for what’s next.

“It’s a good thing you’re new, Guera. I can’t let you off clean, but I’ll make you a deal. There are some things that need to be taken care of, and we need an extra head. Show up when we call on you tomorrow and we’ll leave your grandparents alone after you leave. Chicken out, and I can’t promise anything. We clear, Guera?”

Her words stun me. I never even thought of my grandparents. My head thuds as I weigh my options. I must take too long grappling with two different kinds of fear, because I’m pushed against the wall of the trailer. The sharp jab of metal into my back makes me cry out.

“Yes. We’re clear,” I plead in a distorted voice as she grips me by the throat.

I glance at Ro, but only for a second. She looks away, eyes glazed over with shame.

“I can’t stop him from trying to see you,” Vee says as she releases me. “He will, I warn you. He claims to have been too drunk to realize his actions. You can work it out between yourselves. Don’t let it get in the way tomorrow.”

“I won’t,” I whisper, my spirit broken.

“Ro will explain where you need to meet us, and what’s expected of you. I have someplace to be.”

As she turns, the curled tips of her highlighted hair sway and coil like loose springs over her small-framed shoulders. The pretty ones are always cutthroat.

“Holy shit,” I say so quiet it’s almost to myself.

Ro reaches for my arm, but her touch feels unfamiliar, like I’ve only just met her. “She’s brutal, Guera, but that’s why she’s top dog.”

Maybe it’s what happened with Angel, maybe I’m just opening my eyes, but when I look at Ro, I don’t see my friend. Everyone feels farther away. I can’t trust any of them. Nobody kept that awful thing from happening to me. Not Ro. Not Mom or Ruth.

“Okay, so tomorrow we meet at 5 p.m. at Leti’s house. Don’t be late. She won’t tolerate anything from you now. We’re ordered to tell you only what you need to know. After we go over the plan at Leti’s we’re meeting at the park to split into our groups. You’ll be armed before you leave the park. You need to wear a blue hoodie and a black or white t-shirt underneath. Everyone will wear the same color so we don’t hit our own. When you hear the sirens, take off the color. If the cops see us all wearing blue, they’ll know who to come for. Black and white could be anybody. Do you have any questions?”

“Yes. Will I have to face him tomorrow? Will he be there?”

“I just told you we’re going to war. You have no choice but to be there, and you’re worried about facing Angel?”

“Yes.” I can’t manage any other explanation.

She sighs. “Yeah, he’ll be there. He insisted on being in your group. He refuses to cooperate, and they don’t want to force him. I think it’s so he can protect you. Vee isn’t happy with it, because she thinks he’ll get himself killed trying to save you.”

“What?” I blurt out. “You don’t...do what he did and then...does he think playing the hero is going to make up for it?” I cross my arms and then throw them down at my sides, finally letting the anger out of its heart-shaped prison. “Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it. I know I have no choice. See you at five, Ro.”

She gives me a sympathetic half-smile but doesn’t bother with a hug. I’m not the only one pulling away. Angel’s defiling has poisoned them all against me. Good, I think as she walks off. I stare at her back, hating her for choosing them over me, hating all of them for shutting me out, though I know I should be grateful.

“Lucy.” The raspy whisper stops my heart.

He appears from behind a row of half-dead hedges against the community laundry room. My legs buckle and I hit the ground, scrambling backwards and scraping my palms against the pavement as I try to get away from him. I curl into a ball with my arms around my knees as he approaches.

“Please, just leave. Please. Please. Just leave.”

He doesn’t try and touch me, but I still shut my eyes. I can hear his body lower to my level on the ground.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think...I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was on PCP. And the beer...it didn’t mix well.”

I don’t register much of what he’s saying through the sound of my own sobs, but none of it matters. It doesn’t change what he’s done to me. I can’t look at him. I can’t even picture his face in my head without almost going insane remembering every detail. Remembering how I felt inside, the sheer terror of it all. I’ll never recover from it. It changed me. Forever. I wish I could make him understand what he took from me.

“Please forgive me, Lucy. I’ll do everything to protect you tomorrow. I’ll never hurt you again. Never!”

He is filled with promises. I push the sound of his voice away, trying to hide inside myself. I don’t know how long it takes him to leave or what he said. I just know that I eventually realize he isn’t there anymore, and I slowly uncurl myself, wiping my face before returning to the trailer.

As I find my way back into bed beside my sister I realize how alone I am, even with her an arm’s length away. I could wake her. Tell her everything that happened, but what good would it do? She wouldn’t have been able to stop it. The unforgiving truth is that we’re always on our own. Always. I can’t count on anyone but myself. After tomorrow, I’m going to leave here and never come back. I don’t care what it takes. I won’t let anyone hurt me ever again.