CHAPTER 42

Lucy

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I’M NOT GOING TO LIE. I’ve been thinking about it, about dancing atop that beautiful cloud of white smoke. I want it and I don’t. The worst of my withdrawal is over, and the antibiotics are working against my infection, so other thoughts are beckoning me away from the need to be high. Gabe mostly.

I’ve been hiding out in my room with Ruth. She’s the best distraction, but tonight she’s gone, and I’m left to stare at the ceiling once Mom’s asleep. I try and remember the last thing Gabe said to me when he dropped me off after a tweak binge. I wonder if he thinks of me, if he’s tried to call or find me. My phone has been lost for weeks. Or maybe I traded it for a fix. I can’t remember.

No part of me wants to disappear again. I’m done with drugs, with bad people, and worse choices, but I need to see Gabe again. He isn’t bad, no matter what Mom and her boyfriend think. I know if I’m planning to adhere to their rules and be the good girl I want to be, I won’t be allowed to see him. Tonight might be my last chance before Ruth and I move to Long Beach. I have to take it.

A little hum of excitement is set free inside me as I pick out some of Ruth’s nicer clothes and straighten my hair. I’m thin, but still beautiful. A thick layer of makeup is the perfect disguise. You’d never guess I was sleeping in a bathtub a week ago.

I’ll be quick, I tell myself. Back before anyone knows I’m gone, and I won’t sneak out again. I make that promise to myself.

As I grab Mom’s keys I hesitate at the door, thinking of how she’ll feel if she finds me gone. I leave her a note. Went to say goodbye to Gabe. No drugs. I promise.

I feel right about it, even as I’m pulling Mom’s car out of the driveway, but something makes me slam the brakes before I drive onto Maple St.—Ruth. She’s walking on the sidewalk and I have to stop for her on my way out the gate.

There’s nowhere to hide. She looks straight through the windshield, her features instantly sharpening with outrage the moment she sees me.

“What the hell are you doing?” she yells through the closed window.

I roll it down, anxious to explain. “I left a note. I’m going—”

She pulls on the handle of the driver’s side door, but I lock it before she can get it open.

“Lucy,” she coaxes in a stern motherly voice. “Get out.”

“No.” Our eyes are at war with each other. I can’t back down. “Let me explain, okay? Just get in.”

She considers it. “Fine, but get out of the driver’s seat.”

I concede and slide over the center console into the passenger side before clicking the unlock button.

“Where were you going?” she asks. I can see her trying to analyze my clothes, my hair and makeup, trying to figure things out on her own.

“To see Gabe. To say goodbye.”

“Really? Don’t lie.”

“Really. We’re moving to Long Beach. This was my last chance to see him, explain things, you know. I left a note for Mom. I was going to be right back.”

“You don’t have your license,” she says, glaring at the road ahead of us.

I change the subject. “Why were you out here at 3am?” I ask. That’s almost weirder than me driving Mom’s car out of the garage. “I thought you were staying with Josh tonight.”

She looks at me, and I can tell his name makes her sad. “I was worried about you,” she answers, but she’s still thinking about something else, staring off in the distance.

“Sorry,” I apologize, but then she starts driving. “What are you doing?”

“Just one quick goodbye. How do we get there?” she asks. “To Gabe’s.”

* * *

Ruth waits in the car while I use the pebble trick to tap on Gabe’s second story bedroom window. I’m on rock number ten, ready to give up when the front door opens.

It’s him, thank God.

His eyes are squinty with sleep, but he smiles, nodding for me to come in.

I look back at Ruth, who I know is watching me suspiciously from the quiet car. I can feel her spying eyes, but I want her to see that I’m here for what I said I was. It’s better she came. Proof that I’m not lying.

Gabe’s house is dark and quiet, but familiar. It’s warm inside and smells like spaghetti, in a good way, like it’s what they had for dinner. He sits on the couch and waits for me to sit by him.

When I do, I realize his eyes aren’t squinty from sleep. He’s fully clothed. There’s an almost empty glass bottle on the coffee table. He’s drunk.

The little goodbye fantasy I’ve created in my head sails away on a river of vodka.

“What’s going on?” I ask quietly.

“What’s going on with me?” he answers. “You’re the one who disappeared.”

I hang my head. “Yeah, I know.”

I can’t judge. God knows my wrongs are stacked high. I sit next to him, ignoring the stench of alcohol. We’re so close that my side is flush with his, and he wraps an arm around my shoulder. I’m not afraid of drunk Gabe, but I’m worried about him.

“I’m clean now, though. I wanted you to know that.”

“I knew you would get there. I’ve been waiting.”

“Have you heard from Dani? Or Paco?”

“Yeah, those two fucks got arrested together. Some Romeo and Juliet shit.” He laughs to himself.

I’m not surprised. It’s actually a relief to know they’re safe and not dead in an alley somewhere. “At least they’ll get clean, right?”

He nods.

“I’ve missed you,” I say.

I push my lips against the line of his jaw, and he makes the best humming sound in his chest at the feeling of me close.

“Me too,” he says.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but he doesn’t hesitate in kissing me. He turns and presses his open mouth to mine and I’m lost in the feel of it. It’s almost as good as being high. Almost.

He breaks away. “It’s just bad timing.”

“Bad timing?” How does he know this is a goodbye?

“I’ve got to be somewhere in an hour.”

“Oh,” I say, because where could he be going after drinking a bottle of vodka? Maybe the bottle wasn’t full, I tell myself. He doesn’t seem wasted. “That’s okay. I’m not staying.”

“Where are you going?” he asks, narrowing his eyes.

“I’m done with drugs, Gabe. My sister is waiting in the car. I...” It’s harder to get the words out than I expect. “I came to say goodbye. I’m moving to Long Beach with her.”

He laughs quietly to himself.

“What?” I ask.

“Maybe it’s good timing then, not bad.”

“What are you talking about with the timing?”

He gets up and heads toward the kitchen. “I’m taking care of something tonight. Not sure how it’s going to go down. Goodbye might be a nice end.”

I’m starting to get nervous, all this talk of timing and the end. He’s oddly unruffled and distant.

“Gabe...” I call after him as he disappears around the corner.

I hear the metallic click of a gun, and jump to my feet. “Gabe.” I run for the kitchen waiting for it to go off, to find him dead on the floor, but I run right into his chest.

The scream flies from my mouth out of sheer surprise, and he cups his hand to my lips.

“Shhh.” His brow is sunken in frustration. “You’re gonna wake everyone up.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, searching his hands for the gun. It’s not there. “I thought...”

He’s holding me, close enough to kiss me again, but he doesn’t. He tethers his arms around me in a hug, pressing the side of his face into mine. It’s warm and perfect. Drunk Gabe isn’t shy. He holds me that way for a long time, and I stay.

“You’re my luz,” he says. “Always.” Then he pulls away, and walks to the front door. “I’m out. Tell your sister I said ‘hi’ okay?”

I want there to be more to our goodbye, and maybe there would be if something wasn’t so off about tonight. He’s drinking alone, acting weird, gun sounds in the kitchen. I’m not buying it, whatever he’s trying to pull.

“Okay,” I say, stealing one last press of his lips. “I’ll miss you.”

I memorize his face, his long eyelashes and kind eyes, then run toward the shadowed spot where Ruth parked.

“Hey,” I say, waking her as I open the door. I watch Gabe lock up and get in Paco’s old car. “Something’s up, Ruth. Follow him.”