CHAPTER 5

Ruth

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I CAN FEEL LUCY stirring next to me. It wakes me up. I sigh, irritated at having to share an air mattress with someone I’m so mad at. We’ve been here for almost three weeks and it’s been a constant fight between us. All she does is complain, and any time Mom tells her she can’t spend the night at Rosa’s or has to be home by eight, she throws a hissy fit telling Mom how this is all her fault. That she’s selfish for abandoning Dad. I see right through it. Mom caves and she gets to do whatever she wants. It’s so manipulative. Tonight is the first night she’s slept next to me in days, and even the subtle bump of her leg against mine makes me angry.

She shifts again, and I shove her with my elbow. “Stop moving so much,” I groan under my breath. Even in sleep she’s the sand in my sheets. I’m so tired of having to deal with her.

The only response is the sound of her distressed breathing.

My brow furrows as I listen, wondering what in the hell she’s doing. Trying to annoy me?

“Lucy, what are you—” I sit up ready to push her off the mattress, and her still form bobs as I weigh down my side. She’s asleep, or pretending to be.

I shove her shoulder. “Hey.”

She gasps a terrified breath and shoots up to sitting, then scrambles to her hands and knees.

“Whoa. Whoa,” I say, realizing she isn’t intentionally pushing my buttons. Her hands start shaking and fidgeting, like she’s blind and can’t figure out where she is. I grab them and make her face me. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

She shakes her head furiously. “I can’t breathe. I...” a desperate breath. “I can’t breathe.”

“It was just a dream,” I tell her. Every ounce of anger vanishes at the sight of her troubled eyes.

I help her to my grandpa’s brown plush recliner, and her nails dig into my arm as I pull away to get her some water. Her heavy breathing thickens into hiccupped sobs, and my heart speeds up like it can sense her distress, even from behind its cage of resentment. I pour the water and grab a paper bag, because that’s what they do in the movies.

“Try and breathe. Can you breathe?” I ask, snapping on the lamp by the chair. I kneel down in front of her and puff up the paper bag, crunching the top into a small opening. “Breathe into this. It’ll help.”

She takes it and obeys without question.

“Slow deep breaths,” I say like I’m a doctor and I know what I’m doing.

My shoulders relax as she sobs quietly. All we hear is the crinkle of the paper. Then the deep base of reggaetone music penetrates the thin walls as a low-riding Cadillac drives too fast past the trailer.

“You okay?” I ask, handing her the water.

She nods beneath the curtain of her flat-ironed hair.

I pull her into a hug, but she’s quick to push away. “What happened?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” She rubs her index finger over her lips too many times and won’t look at me.

“Well at least it’s over, huh?” I smile, trying to snap her out of it. “I hate dreams like that. The ones you think are real.”

I rest my arm on her knees as she takes a sip of her water.

She swallows and glances at Mom’s door. “Do you think anyone heard?”

We both get quiet, listening for shuffling sheets or footsteps. Instead, Mom’s grizzly snore cuts through our silence, and I snort out a laugh.

Lucy’s shoulders jump with laughter that I immediately try and shush. It doesn’t work. Mom’s snore gets louder and we both succumb to silent laugh attacks that are fueled by the other’s inability to stop.

My eyes are still smiling when I notice a yellow bruise on the side of her head that had been hiding beneath her long bangs.

“What happened to your head?” I reach for it, but she scoots away and scoops her hair from behind her ear so it falls just so.

“Nothing. I just ran into the bathroom door.”

I’m not stupid. “Did you get in a fight or something?”

She rolls her eyes and pushes me out of the way with her legs as she stands up.

“No, jeeez.”

“Well sor-ry.” I cut the word in two with annoyance. “I guess I’m a jerk for being concerned. You don’t have to push me.”

She slips into the air-bed like nothing ever happened and turns her back to me, leaving me to shut off the lamp.

When I adjust the covers on my side of the mattress I glare at the back of her head, and pull the hand-sewn quilts over my shoulder.

I close my eyes, trying to get back to sleep.

“You can’t tell Mom, okay?” she whispers.

“Tell Mom what?” I stay where I am, not bothering to open my eyes.

She turns to face me again, and a rectangular beam of moonlight cuts through the curtains illuminating the apologetic downturn of her eyes.

“Ro is teaching me how to fight. We’ve been practicing with each other...and her friends.”

My laughter sputters out at the thought of a bunch of girls grappling in Rosa’s bedroom like they’re professsional wrestlers. “Okay...”

“No. It’s serious fighting, like her and her friends are like trying to beat me up, and I’ve got to fight back—”

“Beat you up?” I listen a little more carefully this time. “And you’re letting them? Are they hurting you?”

I turn to face her, feeling more protective of her than angry.

“Yeah, but it’s okay,” she says. “I want to learn to fight. I need to, you know? So I can defend myself. Did you know, back home, Erica Day came after me because she thought her boyfriend liked me? I had to run, like a scared little wimp.”

“No,” I answer, realizing I don’t know as much about her as I thought I did. “I still don’t think you should be doing it.” The thought of her getting beaten up gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.

She sits up. “You can’t tell, Mom. Please. Promise me,” she pleads. I can’t believe something this reckless and stupid is so important to her, but her searching eyes are waiting for me to seal this secret between us.

“Fine,” I give in. “But if you come back with a black eye or something crazy I’m not going to lie for you.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t,” she says, seeming satisfied.

She lays back down, but I watch the back of her head as she tries to sleep. I can’t stop picturing her getting punched in the face. I don’t know if telling on her will protect her or just break her trust.

When my mind is finally quiet enough to doze off, I decide to keep her secret.

And I feel her scoot a little closer.