The Heart Wants What it Wants
I slept badly again last night. All I can think about is Constantine. What is he doing to me? I miss him so much, I've lost my appetite. That never ever happened before. I'm a fervent lover of food!
I miss him so much it hurts to breathe at times. This is even worse than when he left for Russia. It's actually even worse because I can see him at school, but I'm not with him. It's pure torture.
I blame him for the reason I woke up late this morning. I refused a lift from Reese because I'm still upset about yesterday, and now I'm super duper late! Sometimes pride and a stubborn head is a very bad combination if you want to make it to school on time.
I run all the way to school. I rush in through the door and almost collide with a figure standing in front of the school's office door.
“Whoa!” says a voice, while two hands grip my arms, stopping me from falling head first.
I look up into a pair of hazel eyes. A human. I've never seen him around before.
“Sorry,” I apologize. “Silly me always run into things...and people,” I grin up at him.
He's tall and good looking, and a human. He's probably around 6' 3” or so. He just stands there staring down at me wide eyed, not even blinking.
“Uh...hello?” I tap his shoulder lightly, he's still not moving. “I didn't hurt you, did I?” Now I'm a bit worried. What if I banged his head real hard just now, but my head is too dense to feel it? If he went into a comatose state, would I be held accountable?
Oh, cuddly bunny and fuzzy slippers!
I'm so not cut for the life in the slammers. I'd also ruin this boy's life! Oh, the poor unsuspecting victim of my clumsiness!
“I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to hurt you. I promise,” I start to blabber.
“Uh...hi..” He finally comes to life.
I sigh and my shoulders sag in relief. “Thank goodness you're okay!”
“Yeah...” He smiles sheepishly. He runs his fingers through his reddish brown hair and his cheeks turn pink. Awww. He's shy. How sweet. But I'm sooo late!
“Glad you're okay. See you around. Bye!” I start moving away, but his hand comes up to grip my arm.
“Wait!” he says, then he quickly retracts his hand as if my skin burns.
“Yes?” I raise an eyebrow, waiting for him to say something. I really should get going.
“I'm...I'm Evan. I'm new here.”
“Oookay...” I say, still waiting for him to explain why he's keeping me here.
“I think I need help to figure out where I'm going,” he explains.
I sigh. That's it, between Constantine and doing a good deed like helping this guy out, the school might call my parents up anytime now about me missing so many classes.
“Okay, let me see your schedule.”
He hands me all the papers he stuffed into his backpack.
Boys! I snort to myself. They're like preschoolers sometimes, I swear. I sort them out and find his locker numbers and schedule.
“Let me show you to your locker first. My name is Genesis, by the way,” I offer him my hand.
“Glad to meet you, Genesis,” he says as he takes my hand. His cheeks turn red again.
Oh my gosh! He's a blusher just like me! How adorable! That makes me smile up at him again. His step falters and he seems to freeze up again.
Now I'm really starting to worry about him. I'm not sure if I should ask him if he has a condition or something.
“Uh...you're okay?” I ask him hesitantly.
“You are the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen,” he blurts, then blushed deeply.
Huh? Awww. How sweet! I burst out laughing. Wait till he sees Serena, and Milan, and Reese, and Penny or even Mia and all the other girls in this school. He's going to faint!
He blushes even more. Now even his ears turn red.
“Thanks, but you should see all the other girls in this school first before you say something like that,” I smile up at him.
His eyebrows shoot up, but he doesn't say anything more.
“Here's your classroom, Evan. The teacher, Mr. Ryan's pretty nice and fun, you're lucky to have him. See you around. Bye!”
“Genesis, wait!” he calls out before I can run off. “Do we have any class together?”
“I don't know...I didn't check, but I know we have lunch break together.” I smile. “See ya! Bye!”
I am so late!
Everybody is staring at me when I slip into the classroom almost 20 minutes late. Penny's rounded eyes are full of questions. The teacher doesn't say a word about me being late. I wonder if it has anything to do with me being Constantine's mate. Maybe I could run around naked and sing Frozen song, Let it go and get away with it.
Genesis, don't think crazy thoughts, I warn myself. I have the tendency to act out my thoughts.
During lunch time I sit with my friends again. I can feel Constantine's eyes burning through my skull as he stares at me. That's not helping my non-existent appetite at all.
“Hi, Genesis!”
I look up to see Evan with his tray of food standing beside me with that look in his eyes.
“Hey, Evan. What's up?” I smile up at him.
“Uh, can I sit with you?” he asks sheepishly.
“Uh...yeah...” I answer feeling very uneasy suddenly.
He quickly slides next to me and I look around to see my friends, River, Reese and Penny staring at me and Evan with wide eyes. In fact, I feel like the whole cafeteria is staring at us.
My eyes dart automatically to Constantine. The whole table of lycans are staring, and I'm pretty sure they're not staring at something behind me. Constantine is furious. I can tell. Well, maybe it's time for me to scram. I don't feel like eating anyway. Yeah, time to run.
I'm such a coward, I know.
“Evan, these are my friends River, Reese, and Penny. Guys, this is Evan. Be nice to him. He's new,” I introduce him to my friends quickly. “Oh wow! I just remember I haven't finished my English literature assignment. Gotta go! See ya!” I exclaim as I pick up my tray.
“Wait! What assignment? We have English Lit together. Is there an assignment I don't know about?” asks Penny looking worried.
“Yeah!” I answer as I take off.
Cuddly bunny and fuzzy slippers! Why did I say English lit? Idiot!
Actually, I run from the cafeteria all the way home. Now, I'm feeling guilty for missing so many classes that I'm trying to do my homework. Yeah, trying because I can't seem to concentrate. How can I concentrate when he's in my head all the time? I lie down on my bed in frustration. I should probably talk to Constantine soon. I can't go on like this.
I take out my drawing pad from underneath my bed and stare at his silver gray eyes that I worked so hard to capture sometime ago. Those eyes. I should let go of my pride and forgive him. I'll try to get along with Milan if that's what it takes to be with him. I'm that desperate now, not to mention, tired and hungry.
I hear knocking on the front door downstairs. It takes me a while to figure out that nobody else is home. I should get the door. I really don't feel like socializing right now. I know none of the lycans would even think of using, let alone knocking on the front door.
I drag my feet to the top of the stairs but stop short when I smell a familiar scent. It seems that this one does use the front door after all.
I open the front door and my eyebrows raise instinctively. Milan is standing there looking impatient.
“I want to talk to you,” she declares.
Oh really? Well, I don't! I hate it when people say that they want to talk to me. Of course, I didn't say those things out loud. I did promise myself to play nice. I just nod and open the door wider.
“No, I'd rather talk outside,” she says airily. I thought I saw her wrinkle her nose at the sight of my living room. Maybe it's just my imagination.
We walk to the side of my house where a swing set is sitting underneath an old maple tree. We both opt to stand, though.
“Let me get straight to the point, Genesis.” She turns to look at me. “I want Constantine.”
Oh wow, my jaw almost drops at her directness. Ezra is clawing at my chest to get out. I clench my teeth and ball my hands into fists to control myself.
“I know you two haven't fully mated and marked each other yet,” announces Milan. “So you're not really mates. He can still mate and mark somebody else. I'll make sure that it is me. Do you know that we're lovers once? We're about to be together again just before you came into the picture. It's no problem though. Now that I know what the problem is, I know what to do. We're going to be together again. He's going to be my mate in the end, Genesis. You might as well give up now.”
“You're not even his erasthai. I am,” I growl through clenched teeth.
“Maybe not, but that's not a big deal. We're both lycans, we're a better match for each other. Besides, I was there for him when he needed somebody. You just met him. You don't know him as well as I do.”
She then looks at me sympathetically. “Oh, Genesis, you should realize it by now, he loves me. That's why he took me to Russia with him and left you here...so that the two of us can have some time together. Alone. If you know what I mean.” She ends it with a smug smile. That hurts. “Don't worry, I can make him forget all about you. I can make him happy. He'll believe me over you...every time. He'll pick me over you anytime. You'll never win.”
With those parting words, she struts out. Loose gravel scrunching under her expensive shoes. A minute later I hear her car driving away.
I feel my clenched hands shaking as I fall on my knees. Trying to hold Ezra in while feeling like my world is tilting sideways, tearing me apart.
***
There's an assembly at the gym this morning. I try to slip in and blend in with the crowd, but Penny grabs my arm from behind and drags me to sit next to her on the bleachers. Reese and River join us soon after.
My eyes zero in on the lycans standing near the door by the end of the bleachers. Constantine is standing there with the rest of them, looking extremely bored. He is so gorgeous though. Those eyes, the sculptured cheekbones, and nose, and chin, and those lips, hot messy hair. I'm seriously hopeless.
Milan is standing right next to him. She looks at me with a small smile playing on her lips and a triumphant look in her eyes. She wraps her arms around one of his and rests her head on his broad shoulder. I grit my teeth and look away.
I wish I could stop loving him. I wish I could hate him. I wish I weren't this pathetic.
My eyes fall on Hunter who is looking at me with a sympathetic look. I like Hunter. I think he's very nice, but I don't want any sympathy from anybody. I take a deep breath and give him a big smile. He smiles back, looking somehow sort of relieved.
I feel the heat of his stare burning through my skull, as if commanding me to look, and my eyes are drawn back towards where the lycans are standing. Constantine is staring fiercely back. His eyes move to Hunter then back to me. I can feel his anger from here. He turns to look away first. His jaw tight. Milan leans in close to his ear and whispers something. I have to admit, they are both stunningly beautiful. They look good together. That thought is like a dagger to my heart.
“Genesis!” Evan is smiling up at me, as he makes his way over. “Can I sit here?”
“Uh, yeah...sure.” What else can I say?
Evan lowers himself right next to me. He's too close for my liking. His thigh is pressed up against mine. Ezra's seriously not liking this. There's not much I can do though. There's not much room for me to wiggle away. His arm goes around my back.
I look up to people staring at me again. My eyes automatically flash to Constantine who's staring at me with steely cold eyes. He's not even hiding his jealousy. His jaw is clenched tight and his nostrils are flaring. I could almost feel the scorching heat of his fury. Well, he has Milan hanging onto his arm, so...whatever. I stare defiantly back even when I feel like cowering from his intense anger.
Mr. Bennet, our principal, takes the mic and starts talking about the upcoming sports events. I'm so tense, I'm not paying attention to a single word he says.
It feels like more eyes are staring at me than at our principal. I feel like everybody's waiting in anticipation for something to happen. They're hungry for blood. My blood. Or maybe that's just my food deprived stomach and sleep deprived brain thinking.
All the lycans are definitely looking at me. Caspian is staring at me broodingly as well. What is his problem?
I tear my eyes away from Constantine and all the other lycans to have my eyes fall on Hunter who's also scowling. Then on pissed off Logan and his friends and other people around. None of them are looking too happy. What is everybody's problem? If looks could kill, I'd be minced meat.
I feel Penny's hand tightens around mine.
“Uh, why is everybody staring at us?” whispers Evan close to my ear.
“I have no idea,” I whisper back.
“They're not all your boyfriends, are they?” He jokes, chuckling a little.
“No, not all of them. No,” At least that one is not a lie.
I gulp nervously, and my gaze is drawn back towards the lycans. Caspian is saying something heatedly to Constantine who is looking livid. A few seconds later, Constantine takes off. Milan runs off after him immediately.
I feel sick. I feel sick and furious.
“They're all beautiful, huh?” utters Evan.
“Huh? What?” I blink back tears.
“Those kids. They're hard to miss. I mean this school is full of hot looking people. I wonder what's going on when I first got here,” explains Evan. “But those five. They definitely stand out even among these good-looking people.”
Then he pauses for a little while and turns to look at me. “And then there's you...you're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You seem to belong to that group more than anywhere else.” He sounds thoughtful like he's trying to solve a puzzle.
I suddenly feel like bawling my eyes out. I can't take any more of this. I feel my heart breaking into tiny pieces. I find the stares suffocating. I feel the crowd closing in on me. I feel my world tearing apart.
“I have to go. Excuse me,” I mumble, getting up.
“Where are you going? Are you okay?” asks Penny sounding worried.
“I just need to use the washroom,” I reply as I try to find my way down the bleachers through the crowd. My progress down is agonizingly slow. I feel eyes following me. They're following me everywhere. I hate attention!
I lock the door of the washroom and really bawl my eyes out. Gosh, I feel so pathetic.
After a while, I wash my face and stare at my red-rimmed eyes. I'm such a wreck. Just thinking about Constantine makes my heart twist in pain. Why is it that with him I feel either euphorically happy or intensely in pain? Why does it have to be one extreme to another? I splash cold water on my face again, then pat it dry and straighten myself before I finally walk out of the washroom.
Hunter is waiting for me outside the door. Oh great, a witness to my pathetic miserable tear fest. But then again, I guess that's why nobody was knocking on the door of the washroom while I was in there. Hunter was guarding the door. I should be thankful for that, I suppose.
The hallway is deserted. Everybody seems to have gone back to their classrooms.
“Are you okay?” There's concern in his voice and eyes.
I just nod my head. I try to smile, but I think I fail miserably when he pulls me into his arms and walks me out of there.
“Where are we going?” I ask him.
“Out of here. Away from prying eyes,” he answers.
We end up sitting at the end of the bleachers next to each other by the football field. The second time I'm on the bleachers today.
“I'm not going to ask if you're okay again. Clearly, you're not okay,” he says, glancing sideways at me.
“I don't know how life can get so complicated, Hunter. All I wanted before was a mate, finish high school together, maybe go to college...or not. Have babies, clean poopy diapers, pay bills together, then have teenage kids who mouth off to you...you know, all that fun stuff,” I explain, my voice comes out sounding wobbly and pathetic.
“All that fun stuff,” he repeats after me, smiling a little. “See? That's what I love about you. You manage to stay upbeat and funny...no matter what life throws at you.”
“Upbeat? Did you not notice how awful I'm looking right now, Hunter?”
He turns to look at me. His eyes roaming my face before staring into my eyes. “You're not looking awful, Genesis,” he mumbles. “You never look awful.”
Why do I suddenly feel awkward? “I'm sorry you have to rescue me all the time, Hunter. You've been great. Thank you.” I turn to look away.
“I don't mind. I want you to come to me if you need rescuing,” he says. “I wish...”
I turn to look at him, quizzically. “You wish?”
He sighs heavily. “I wish I was your mate, Genesis. I told you that already. I would've made you so happy.”
Oh gosh! I stare up at him in silence for a few seconds. His chocolate brown eyes are staring at me earnestly. His feelings are clearly on display as clear as daylight. Why didn't I see it before?
He's really an attractive guy. He's a wonderful person. I know any girl would be so lucky to have him as her mate...but he's not for me. He's not the one who makes my heart race with his presence. He's not the one who haunts my mind day and night. His touch isn't the one that I crave for. He's not the one causing my skin to tingle with a simple touch. He's not the one who makes me feel whole and complete. The heart wants what it wants.
“I'm so sorry, Hunter.”
“Yeah,” he whispers regretfully. “I just needed to tell you...I'll never hurt you if...” he trails off, staring down at his shoes.
“Yeah,” I whisper back, but deep down I know I can't do that. Even if Constantine decided to mark Milan as his mate, I'm not going to take someone else's mate away just because I don't want to be alone. His mate is out there somewhere. I can't take that away from him.