Nineteen

 

Paige

 

 

I open my eyes and instantly groan in pain. The sunlight is streaming in through the window. Where the hell am I? This isn't my room... No, it's Enzo's. Now I remember. Mark assault me last night, Enzo took me to the hospital and had me checked out. I had to sit with doctors, nurses, and police officers, including Callie's father, sheriff Harper, and my brother. I had to tell them again and again what Mark did to me.

My whole body hurts. My head kills. Why is the morning after always worse than the night before?

“Morning.” I turn my head slowly. Enzo is sitting on the edge of the bed facing me. I smile slightly. My eyes close to the touch of his hand on my face. My cheek hurts from where Mark hit me. “Don't cry, baby.” His voice is soothing, but I can't help it, my heart aches more than the pain my body is in. I could take what Mark did to me ten times over in place of the heartache Enzo has inflicted upon me. “Can I get you anything?” I shake my head, all I want is for him to hold me, I need to feel his big strong arms around me, keeping me safe.

“I'm sorry,” I whisper.

“Oh, baby, no.” I sob as he climbs into bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. It hurts but I won't make a sound. “This wasn't your fault, Paige. I don't want you blaming yourself for what he did.”

“He said I teased him. I didn't mean to. I told him I didn't want to be with him like that. He said he understood. Then last night he turned on me.”

“I know and he's not gonna get away with it, believe me.” I do believe him. I know Enzo won't just let it lie. But he should leave it to the police. But right now, I'm too emotionally exhausted to argue with him. I'm leaving in a few hours for L.A. It's the best thing for both of us.

Nothing can come of him and me, he's shown me too many times that I'm not what he wants. Oh, he might want me physically, but I'm just a pass time for him, and I deserve more than that. My child deserves more than that.

Will I tell Enzo about the baby? Eventually.

I won't wait too long, I'm not that cruel. But I need to sort my head out before I bring him in on this. L.A will provide the headspace I need.

“I have to get ready to go to Freddy's for dinner.”

“Not until you've eaten.”

“I'd like to shower first.”

“You do that,” He says while leaning into me and kissing my head. “I'll make you some breakfast. I'll grab something of mine for you to wear for after your shower.” Good enough for me, I can change when I get home. Not that I really want to be there right now, but I can't avoid it forever.

It doesn't take me long to shower. Even with scrubbing my body raw, my hair, the lot. I just need to wash that pig off my body.

Once I'm done, I find Enzo has left me out a pair of his boxers, a t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Of course, everything is too big for me, but it's good enough. I comb out my hair and make my way to Enzo's kitchen. He's shirtless, wearing pj bottoms low on his hips. His body is something spectacular. The curve of his back muscles always leaves me salivating. The front of him is much better. His big biceps, pecs, eight pack, the V of his hips that leads down to... “Like what you see?”

Shit! I hadn't realized I was staring so obviously.

I don't answer him. I look away while folding my arms around myself for protection. I can't believe after everything I went through last night that I could even feel aroused the way I do right now. Everything about Enzo turns me on.

He doesn't make a thing of it, simply holds out a chair for me. “Come sit down, beautiful.” I do. He hands me a glass of orange juice and a plate of bacon and toast. My favorite breakfast food. I should probably be eating fruit and all that crap people who care about being mega healthy eat. But I'm not one of those girls, I'll eat what I damn well want, to hell with what people think.

We eat in silence. He watches me, I can sense his eyes on me every now and again, but I don't make eye contact with him. This whole thing is uncomfortable enough as it is.

“Paige?” Any thoughts about me getting out of here without a difficult conversation go out the window at the sound of my name on his lips. “We need to talk.”

“I don't want to, Enzo. I just want to forget about last night.”

“I meant about us.”

Us? There's an us now? I'm planning on leaving here in a few short hours for months. Months where I won't see him or even call him, and he wants to talk about us?

“There's nothing to talk about, Enzo. You've made it very clear that there is no us.”

“I know that I haven't exactly been good to you these past few weeks,” I shift in my seat. I'm not ready for this conversation. If he tells me he wants to be with me now it will derail everything I have set in motion.

Why would he even want to be with me now? Guilt? I'm not interested, I have to stay strong. But how can I do that when I know the second I tell him that I'm leaving he'll force me to stay? Enzo is a damn caveman, he will literally keep me here if I try to leave.

There's only one thing I can do. Pretend to want what he wants.

“I was afraid that I couldn't be who you needed me to be, Paige. After the way, I fucked everything up with Autumn. I didn't want to do that to you. But I realized what I did to you was so much worse.” He reaches over and takes my hand across the small table. “You are the last person on this earth I ever wanted to hurt. I couldn't stop myself from wanting you. Hell, I tried so hard to push you away, but you kept on drawing me in”.

“So it's my fault you kept dragging me places to fuck me like I was nothing but your whore?” I am seriously offended!

“No, of course not. I just meant that I can't stay away from you no matter what I do. Do you know how many years I've fought what I feel for you?” Oh, god, he's gonna say it. I'm not ready to hear it.

“I can't do this right now, Enzo.” I pull my hand away from him and get out of my seat. “I don't feel ready. Please understand.” I swallow hard and fight the tears trying to fall.

I want nothing more in this world than for him to tell me that he loves me, wants me, but it wouldn't be real. He'll only be telling me this because he feels guilty for pushing me to start dating someone else, to forget him. Someone who hurt me.

“We need to talk about this, Paige.” He also gets out of his seat, but he doesn't make an attempt to touch me. Thankfully. “I know I've been a bastard to you, but I was trying to protect you.”

“From what, Enzo? From being hurt by you? How'd that work out for you?” That was harsh but true.

Something flashes past his eyes,  a little of the darkness he fights every day. “I know. Okay? But, baby, don't you see that we belong together?” This time he grabs me, pulling me closer. Any other time in my life I would have gone into his arms willingly and stayed there. But I can't right now. I just can't.

I shrug him off me and take a step back. If it hurt his feelings he doesn't let it show. “I have to go. I can't do this right now. Please just give me a little time to get my head around everything that's happened lately. If we really belong together like you say, then you'll be waiting for me when I'm ready to talk. If not...” I leave it hanging in the air between us, kiss his cheek and walk out of there before I burst into tears.

I just can't make anything easy for myself, can I?

 

* * *

 

It's been great spending the day with my brother and sister, and Della, of course. I watched my little sister opening her presents and then speaking with our parents on the phone. They're having a wonderful honeymoon, which won't be tainted by the truth of what happened to me. There's plenty of time for them to find out once they're home.

It took me an hour to convince Freddy not to call them last night. It's easier if they don't know right away. Christ, my mother would never allow me to leave for L.A if she knew. And nothing will stop me from leaving.

The four of us had dinner together, we laughed, we joked. None of us spoke about what happened last night. Although I know Della was dying to question me about it. I'm not ready to talk about it with anyone. I doubt I ever will be. I'll tuck it away and never speak of it again until I have to. And only to the authorities. If they find Mark and charge him, that is.

“You take care out there,” Della says as she squeezes me tightly. The noise of an announcement halts me in my tracks. I smile at her even though the damn thing is beyond loud.

“I'll call you as soon as I get there.” She nods and pulls away so I can hug my brother.

“You'll be okay?” I nod.

I will be okay but it doesn't stop this from hurting me right now. I'm walking away from the man I have loved my whole life just when he was becoming mine. But I have my reasons. If I don't do this I will forever wonder if he's only with me out of guilt.

When you've dreamed about something your whole life, prayed and even begged for it to be true, when it suddenly happens it doesn't feel real. I can't seem to force myself to believe he really wants me. That's why I need this trip, so I can sort through everything and figure out if being with Enzo is really the best thing for me.

I'll never deny him the right to be a father to his child, I just hope he can be that and not the man who fucks me anytime or anywhere. I deserve more than that, even if I do yearn for it, for his touch, his attention. If he can't treat me with respect, then I need to stay away from him. I won't be his whore any longer.

“Take care,” I tell them with a hug to my little sister. I wave at them as I descend the escalator, taking me up to my new life. Well, for three months at least. And I'm going to make these three months count. I'm not going to think about Enzo and everything that's gone on between us. I won't think about what could be. I'm going to concentrate on the job I'm employed to do.

Maybe by the time I'm ready to come home I'll know what I want. Maybe I won't. Maybe I won't even come back here. The way I feel right now, I won't.