Chapter Eleven
Aiden pulled at Maddie’s hand, practically dragging her down the sidewalk. “Come on, Mommy. I want to get to the playground.”
When she’d woken up this morning and seen how perfect the weather was, she’d decided to take Aiden out. He always begged her to go play with him, but she’d been too tired, both physically and emotionally, to do anything with him. He’d sulk away, his little lips forming a pout. Each time, it broke her heart. So despite her inclination to stay home, when he’d asked to go to the playground today, she’d been more than happy to say yes.
As soon as he reached the edge of the mulch, he broke free of her grasp and rushed over to the slide. That boy could climb the ladder and hurl himself down for hours and be perfectly happy. And it would give her time to think.
The sun warmed her skin as she settled onto a bench where she could keep an eye on him. No one else had come to the park yet. That gave her time to be alone with her thoughts. And those thoughts were filled with Justin. Ever since their date Saturday night, she couldn’t get him out of her mind. Long after he’d left, she’d nuzzled her nose in the soft petals of the lilies he’d brought her, focusing on the positives of their relationship instead of the negatives that had haunted her for so long.
They’d cleared the air about a lot of their issues at dinner. She hadn’t planned on treating it like a therapy session. She was just happy to be going out with her husband. But they’d fallen into a comfortable conversation, much more comfortable than they’d had in months. They both said some things that needed saying, and they hadn’t talked about trying to get pregnant. She’d expected that to hurt, but it didn’t. In the end, she’d come home feeling better about her future than she had in a long time.
And then he’d kissed her. He’d always been able to curl her toes with a simple kiss, and that had been no simple kiss. It felt like a first kiss, the excitement building in your gut as the person who had you tied in knots finally made contact. She had never realized how much she missed that excitement until their marriage had become routine. All of the romance had been driven out of their marriage with the grind and monotony. But Justin poured everything he was feeling into that kiss. It was all she could do not to grab his tie and drag him into the house. To make love to him without paying attention to a schedule.
But as much as she tried not to, her mind immediately flew to the calendar that sat nestled in her nightstand, the red Xs marking off days of the month. It hadn’t been a fertile day. She hadn’t said anything to Justin, afraid to fracture the fragile peace they had achieved, but she couldn’t turn off her ache for another baby. Regardless, she was proud of herself for not saying anything, for letting him walk away, when that was the last thing she wanted.
“Hey, Maddie.” Alison Howe lowered herself onto the bench beside her. Her daughter Katie had been in Aiden’s preschool class and they’d spent many hours together at the playground and the park and the zoo. Alison was everything Maddie wasn’t, always happy and outgoing, perfectly dressed, not a care in the world. Maddie wanted to hate her for that, but she was just so nice that it was easy to be friends.
Aiden rushed across the mulch, his arms wide, as he greeted his friend.
Alison leaned down to her daughter. “You can go play with Aiden, honey. Just stay where I can see you.”
Once the kids ran off, hand in hand, Alison turned to Maddie. “How have you been? It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.”
“I’ve been good.” If Alison hadn’t heard that Justin moved out, Maddie certainly wasn’t going to tell her. Hopefully they could fix what was wrong in their marriage before their separation became fodder for the gossip mills. One thing about small towns—you could always count on a healthy grapevine. “What about you? I can’t believe how big Katie has gotten.”
“I know. She’s growing like a weed. I can’t keep her in clothes or shoes anymore. But…”
Maddie’s stomach clenched. She recognized that pause, the one where a person had a big secret to tell and wanted to capture your attention before they did. A sense of dread settled over her. This was why she didn’t go out around other mothers.
Alison leaned close. “We’re gonna have another one.”
Maddie’s gaze fell to Alison’s belly where her hands rested like they were cradling something precious. They were. Alison had a baby growing inside her, something Maddie had wanted for as long as she could remember. She blinked away the tears that threatened to escape. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks. We’d been trying for a while so Matt was ecstatic when the test came out positive.”
Alison gushed on and on about first trimester symptoms, but Maddie didn’t hear most of her words. She had said she was happy for Alison, and she was. That was what surprised Maddie the most. Yes, the deep ache in her gut that could only be tamed when she was pregnant with her own child was still there, but Maddie found she could be happy for someone and sad for herself at the same time. She didn’t feel the sense of envy and anger that she had in the past when she heard other women were pregnant.
Her gaze fell to Aiden, who was digging in the dirt with Katie, both of them covered head to toe in brown. Every time Maddie lamented being unable to expand their family, she needed to remind herself that she had a wonderful little boy whose face lit up when he smiled at her. Alison followed Maddie’s gaze and guffawed.
Maddie joined in. “I think a bath is in the near future for both of them.”
“Definitely. They’re already filthy, so might as well let them play a bit longer. I’ll just hose Katie off in the front yard before we go in.”
Maddie’s heart broke a little as she watched how good Aiden was with Katie, helping her build piles of dirt… before he dumped them over her head. But Katie was laughing, the sweet small giggle of a little girl. One that Maddie longed to hear in her house. She gritted her teeth and smiled at the kids.
She’d left the house today, risked the exact situation she now found herself in, and she’d made it through Alison’s announcement. She never thought she’d be able to bear it. But she had.
“Maddie, it’s been great to see you again. How about we go to lunch one day next week when the kids are in school?”
Maddie patted her hair, all of a sudden self-conscious about how she looked in front of this perfectly groomed woman.
“Oh, stop worrying. It’s just good to see you out. We were worried about you when you didn’t come around with Aiden anymore.”
Maddie settled her hands into her lap. She’d gotten so rusty at maintaining friendships that she hardly knew how to respond. But Alison had taken the first step. All Maddie had to do was answer. “It’s been a rough time. I’ve been trying to get pregnant and we’ve had a few disappointments.”
There. She’d said it. And she hadn’t broken down in tears.
Alison’s expression softened and she rested her hand on Maddie’s wringing ones in her lap. “I’m sorry. We had trouble getting pregnant after Katie, too. I even had a miscarriage last year. That’s why we’re so happy that I finally got pregnant.”
Maddie hadn’t known Alison had lost a baby. She must have been struggling back when Maddie had been socializing more, but she’d never guessed, wrapped up in her own failures. Hearing that someone else she knew had been through the same struggles and finally got pregnant sparked hope that she was afraid to grasp hold of. Maybe there was still a chance for her and Justin to have the daughter she wanted so badly. “Thanks for telling me that. It’s hard, thinking you’re fighting these demons alone.”
“You’re not alone. It hurt to talk about so we didn’t tell anyone we were trying. I wish I had known you were going through that. Listen, I want you to call me anytime if you want to talk. I’m happy to listen, to cry with you, to laugh with you.”
The tear that Maddie had stifled broke free and ran down her cheek. “Thank you. I’ve been afraid to come out to the playground, afraid I couldn’t handle seeing other people’s kids while knowing that I wasn’t pregnant. But this hasn’t been bad. I’m sorry we fell out of touch, but I’d love to have lunch next week. We can meet at FitzGerald’s on Wednesday if that works for you.”
They exchanged cell phone numbers and Maddie keyed the lunch into her calendar.
Alison motioned to the kids. “Katie, it’s time to go.”
The kids ran over to the bench in a cloud of dust and dirt. She and Alison laughed. There wasn’t an inch of skin or clothing that wasn’t a shade of brown. “Oh, Aiden. It’s straight into the tub with you.”
He reached out and grabbed her hand. “Yay, I love baths. Come on, Mommy. Let’s go take a bath.”
“I guess that’s my cue.” Maddie stood. “Thanks for reaching out. I can’t wait until lunch next week.”
“See you then, Maddie. And don’t give up. It’ll happen for you eventually. I just know it.”
Maddie didn’t have quite the confidence that Alison had, but she left the park with new hope for her future. And she knew one thing she needed to do.
Maddie got Aiden cleaned up and playing quietly in his room, and then she stepped into the kitchen. She had a phone call to make. Her hand shook as she pressed on her screen to dial the number.
Eventually, a voice on the other end answered. “Total Life Counseling, may I help you?”
“I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Bryson. Dr. Anderson referred me.”
“Yes, absolutely. When would you like to come in?”
A few minutes later, Maddie had an appointment for later in the week. As she clicked off the phone, the churn in her gut stilled and she was able to draw in a deep breath. That wasn’t as hard as she’d feared it had been, and it was an important step in fixing herself.