Chapter Twenty
Maddie wrapped her fingers around her coffee mug, staring out the back door, watching the sun rise over the trees behind their house. She cherished this time when the house was quiet before Aiden got up. Even more so since Justin had moved out. As much as she enjoyed her peaceful mornings, she was missing him with an ache in her heart that just wouldn’t go away.
It had killed her when he’d snuck out of her bedroom at four a.m. the other morning. She understood that they didn’t want to confuse Aiden, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. She’d felt him climb out of the bed and had pretended to be asleep, not ready for a conversation he probably didn’t want to have anyway. She’d barely been able to maintain the pretense when he leaned over and brushed the lightest of kisses across her lips. And then when he whispered I love you, it had been all she could do to keep from throwing her arms around him and begging him to stay.
He needed to come back on his own terms. He’d moved out without consulting her, and while she agreed now that this was the best thing for their marriage, his decision had hit her out of left field. Out of left field. She chuckled. She’d been married to him long enough that even his baseball vernacular had rubbed off on her.
But that had been three days ago… and he hadn’t called since. Hadn’t stopped by. Had only texted some brief, inconsequential messages, mostly about Aiden. Was he regretting what happened? Sure, he’d said all the right things that night, even when she’d admitted that she’d thought about her fertility calendar. But now that he’d had time to think about it, perhaps he was having second thoughts. Maybe he decided that she wasn’t worth fighting for. That their marriage wasn’t worth fighting for.
They’d been good recently… until they’d had sex.
Did this mean that there wasn’t a chance for them? That they couldn’t have a marriage without screwing things up?
She turned from the window at the sound of little footsteps as Aiden slid into the kitchen. “Hey, Mommy.”
“Hey, honey.” She crossed the room and swept her son into a hug, burying her face in his hair.
“You’re squeezing too hard.”
“Sorry.” She was letting her emotions get the best of her again. That had to stop. She refused to allow her self-doubts to turn her back into the person she had been before Justin moved out.
She fed Aiden and shuffled him off to school and then she was alone… again. Alone with a swirl of feelings she couldn’t control. Before she could let them pull her down, she snatched up her phone and pressed a few buttons.
“Hey, Maddie.” The sound of Jen’s voice always perked her up. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to know if you could meet for coffee?” She tried to sound like nothing was wrong but knew she wasn’t fooling her friend.
“What’s going on?”
She sucked in a deep breath, willing back the tears that she’d been fighting all morning. “I, um…”
“I’ll meet you at Java in fifteen minutes.” Jen clicked off before Maddie could respond. That was just like her, and the reason Maddie called her friend. Jen wouldn’t let Maddie wallow, or indulge in the self-doubts that threatened to take over. She had fought hard to dig herself out of her depression—she didn’t want to fall back into that trap again.
A few minutes later, Maddie pulled her car up to the curb in front of Java. The coffee shop was just around the corner from Justin’s store. Was he there now? Probably. There was a lot left to finalize for Sports Day. She should be working on her lengthy to-do list herself. Instead, she was wallowing.
Enough of that.
As soon as she stepped through the door of Java, she was assaulted by the deep, rich scent of coffee in a variety of flavors. She hadn’t been here in a long time. She had sworn off caffeine when she was trying to get pregnant. Fat lot of good that did.
The coffee shop was decorated with dark wood. The shelves that lined one wall boasted mugs and travel cups in various sizes, many declaring some hilarious sayings. The dark walnut floors still looked as new as they had the day the shop opened three years earlier. There were only a couple of tables occupied at this time of the morning. But she didn’t see Jen.
Maddie stepped up to the counter. A young girl who couldn’t be more than eighteen beamed at her. “What can I get you?”
“A large vanilla latte, please. For Maddie.”
Jen hurried through the door just as the barista called Maddie’s name. She grabbed her cup, chuckled at the misspelling of her name, and waved at Jen.
Maddie slid into a chair at a nearby table and drew in a deep whiff of the rich, vanilla scent of her drink. The swirl of flavors calmed her nerves. Maybe it was just that she was allowing herself time to relax
Jen practically skipped to the table with a drink of her own and perched on the seat across from Maddie. “So, what’s going on?”
Maddie sipped her coffee, steeling herself for this conversation.
“Oh, man. This must be big.”
She drew in a deep breath. Best to pull this off like a Band-Aid. “I slept with him,” she said on a huff.
“Who?”
“The UPS guy. Justin, of course.”
Jen’s mouth dropped open. “What happened?”
“It was… I don’t know what to say.”
Jen held her palm up and turned away. “Wait a minute, I don’t want to know the details.”
“Trust me, I’m not sharing the specifics with you, except to say that it was better than it has been in a long time.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
What wasn’t the problem? Hopefully Jen could help her sort out the jumble of thoughts in her head. “Me. I’m the problem. Being with Justin was great. After all the teasing and kissing over the past few weeks, it was explosive. But then…”
“What, did he come too soon? Not take care of you? What?”
Maddie laughed. Leave it to Jen to jump to the wrong conclusions. Justin had never had a problem in the bedroom. “No, that part was good… and he definitely took care of business. More than once.” Maddie felt the heat climb her cheeks. “But then afterwards, I ruined it.”
Maddie expected her friend to prod, but instead, silence grew between them.
“My first thought was whether or not it was a good time to get pregnant. It was all I could do to not yank open the drawer and check the calendar.”
Jen reached across the table and covered Maddie’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Maddie. I’m sure that was hard for you. What did Justin say?”
“He was great about it, saying all the right things, but I could tell he was tense.”
“At least you talked about it. That’s more than you two would have done six months ago.”
Maddie fiddled with her coffee cup and then took a sip. The heated liquid warmed her insides. Between that and Jen’s support, she started to relax. “Yeah, there is that. But I don’t know how to turn it off.”
“Did you bring this up with the counselor?”
“I did. She talked about being easier on myself, but you know it’s hard.”
“I sure do. You’re tougher on yourself than anyone else would ever be.”
She couldn’t argue with Jen about that. “She also wanted me to think about how I would feel, what I would do, if I never got pregnant.” Maddie’s hands shook and she clenched them together. She couldn’t imagine not having another child in her life. Someone else for her and Justin to love. Someone to grow up with Aiden.
“She’s probably right. Not that I think you won’t get pregnant, because none of us know that.”
Leave it to Jen to be blunt. Then again, Maddie needed a dose of reality to set her straight. She didn’t need someone to pacify her with what she wanted to hear.
“Have you thought about other options?”
“What do you mean, other options? We’ve been doing fertility treatments for a while now. What else is there?”
Jen pursed her lips. Even though she was trying to soften the blow, Maddie braced herself. “You told me about the little girl you met at the Foster to Foster event. Have you considered reaching out to the group home? Maybe spending more time with her or another foster child?”
Maddie’s heart raced. She had loved reading with Sofia. But Maddie also remembered how she’d run from the building, unable to bear the heartbreaking stories of their childhoods. Could she handle spending time with Sofia again? What if she grew close to Sofia and then she was sent to a foster home or adopted by someone else? Could Maddie open her heart up to someone else? She had a feeling of loss every month when she got her period. Her hopes were dashed over and over. She wasn’t sure she could bear that with Sofia.
“I see I’ve given you something to think about.”
Maddie smiled at her friend. “That’s why I called you. I knew you’d give it to me straight.”
“So what do you think you’re gonna do?”
“I don’t have a clue.” Wasn’t that the truth? Her entire life was up in the air right now and she couldn’t make heads or tails of where to go next. “I hadn’t even considered anything other than getting pregnant. But I know that I can’t keep going on this way, setting myself up for disappointment every month. There have to be other options. I’d love to spend time with Sofia, but I’m scared. Either way, you’ve given me something to think about.” Maddie’s phone vibrated. “Oh, that’s my alarm. I have to meet Justin at the store to go over some of the plans for Sports Day.”
Jen waggled her eyebrows. “Yeah, sure. And then he’s going to show you his baseball cards.”
Maddie chuckled and hugged her friend. “Thanks again.”
“Anytime.”
* * *
Justin pulled out his phone and checked the time. Five minutes until Maddie showed up for their meeting. They probably could have taken care of today’s tasks in email, but where was the fun in that? This way he got to spend a few minutes with her.
He pulled out the plans for the event. He couldn’t believe it was only ten days away. There was a lot to do before then, but Maddie had lined up help and he’d even gotten his team to spend some of their required volunteer hours at the event. And the reception from the other local businesses had been overwhelming. This might be exactly what the store needed to get back on track.
But he had a different issue to deal with before Maddie arrived. He opened his messaging app and started a group text with his sisters. I heard from Rachel. She said she could come any night next week. When can you meet?
His finger hovered over the send key. Did he really want to add this into his life right now? With his marriage on the path to reconciliation and a boatload of tasks to complete for Sports Day, his life was complicated enough. The early publicity for the event had resulted in increased traffic in the store already, but he really needed it to go well. It would be better for him if he put Rachel off a few weeks.
But that wasn’t fair to his sisters. Any of them, Rachel included. So he held his breath and pressed the arrow to send his message.
Serena replied before he even had a chance to put his phone down. Any day. I’m ready. I’ll make the time.
Her response was sprinkled with smiley faces. Typical Serena. He wished he could go through life always finding the best of any situation, like his sister.
Izzy piped in. I can rearrange classes on Tuesday or Wednesday.
He stared at his phone a minute longer. Alexis hadn’t answered. It could be that she was somewhere that she couldn’t check her phone, but more than likely, she was intentionally not responding. She may not like the fact they were meeting Rachel, but in the end, she would be there whenever he scheduled it.
As for him, the sooner he got this over with, the better.
He pulled up the text from Rachel he’d received last night. He typed out the response that she had been waiting for. Tuesday evening at 7? He then proceeded to give her the address of the guest house. He had a better chance of getting Alexis to the cottage than anywhere else.
Rachel responded almost immediately. I can’t wait. See you then.
He updated the family group text and then shoved his phone into his pocket. As soon as they got this meeting over with, he could focus on his own life.
Speaking of which… Maddie’s car pulled up to the curb. He forced himself to shove any lingering doubts from the other night aside and focus on the fact that he was spending time with her. He gathered his papers, expecting her to stride into the store. But she didn’t.
After another minute with no appearance, he grew concerned. He snatched up his phone, headed to the front of the store where he could see her car, and dashed off a text. “Everything okay?”
When Maddie received the text, her head snapped up and a smile graced her beautiful face. A response flashed on his screen. “Yeah.”
Good. Hopefully she wasn’t afraid to see him after what had happened between them the other night. He hadn’t said another word about it since, keeping his texts to status updates on this meeting or questions about Aiden. He hadn’t figured out the right way to proceed, and he didn’t want to pressure her into revealing something she wasn’t ready to say or do something she wasn’t ready to do.
But he didn’t want to wait another moment to see her. He stepped out of the store and crossed to her car. Rap, Rap, Rap.
She jumped. Guess she hadn’t seen him walk up. The snick of the door locks invited him in and he climbed into her car.
“Damn, Justin, you about scared me to death.”
He rested his hand on her knee. Her muscle tensed. Some of the comfort they had enjoyed before wasn’t there now. As much as he cherished the time they’d spent together making love, maybe they had jumped into bed too soon. Especially if that meant she was back to being uncomfortable with him. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just worried when you sat out here for so long without coming in.”
She relaxed a little but didn’t elaborate about why she had been sitting in the car.
“Maddie?”
“Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.”
He did the only thing he could do to ease the tension between them. Maybe she needed to know that he still wanted her, still found her attractive, still wanted this marriage to work. He lowered his voice and leaned in. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the other night either.”
He closed the distance and pressed his lips to hers.
Kissing Maddie was like coming home. It was a connection that he had come to depend on and one that he mourned the loss of. The true intimacy they shared. But they were getting it back slowly.
She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. Well, as close as they could get with the console between them. His hands settled at her waist and he squeezed as he deepened the kiss, tilting his head to take her mouth in a more intense kiss.
He felt the minute she gave herself over to what she was feeling. From that point on, he made it his mission to keep her focused on the two of them and away from everything that could be going wrong.
The tip of his tongue touched hers and she moaned. That was all the invitation he needed. He leaned as far over the console as he could, wanting to feel her. He nipped and sucked at her lips while his hands slid up her body. He brushed across her breast and she gasped.
She broke the kiss and spoke against his mouth. “We can’t. Someone might see.”
He rested his forehead on hers. He had forgotten where they were, focused solely on Maddie and how it felt to have her in his arms. “Damn.”
“Yeah.” Her breathing was ragged, her lips were swollen, and her hair was mussed. Had he run his fingers through her hair? He couldn’t even remember. She looked, in a word, well loved.
Her eyes trailed down to his crotch where his cock strained at his jeans.
She smiled and waggled her eyebrows.
“Like that, do you? I can’t go back into the store like this.” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, murmuring his lifetime baseball stats. Anything to get control of the raging erection.
“Can’t go back into the store like what?”
She knew full well what she had done to him. “I’m reciting my stats for every year I played baseball. Hopefully focusing on something other than those curves of yours, taunting me in that clingy T-shirt, will help.”
She reached out her hand and he smacked it away. “Dammit, Maddie. You can’t touch me right now. Otherwise, I can’t be held responsible for what may happen.”
They both sat there a minute while he got himself under control. He’d been doing that a lot recently. Not that he was complaining. Not one bit. He loved this Maddie, the one who was more open with her feelings.
“Do you want to go to the Crabapple Festival with me and Aiden this weekend?”
The festival was an annual Cedar Hill tradition. Every April, when the trees were blooming, the town pulled out all the stops to welcome another spring. It was held in the park downtown, and spilled over to the local businesses. He’d almost forgotten it was this weekend, with his focus on Sports Day and fixing his marriage.
Izzy would probably have dancers perform on the stage. Maybe Hayley would be one of them. He wouldn’t miss a chance to cheer his future niece on, and he certainly wasn’t going to pass up Maddie’s invitation to spend time as a family.
“There’s nothing I’d rather do. But before we go in, there’s one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
Maddie knew about Rachel. They had talked about the bombshell from his Dad’s lawyer at length last summer. Thinking back, he realized how that must have felt to Maddie, another parent who had kids they didn’t even claim when she was trying so hard to have one of her own.
Her hand covered his. “Whatever it is, just spit it out. I can handle it.”
He looked at his wife. Really looked at her. She was right… she probably could. Everything about her had changed in the time they’d been apart. It made knowing that he’d hurt her by moving out that much easier to bear. If only he could erase that niggling fear that they could easily fall back into their destructive patterns if he wasn’t careful.
She still watched him. Oh yeah, Rachel.
“The girls and I are meeting with Rachel next week.”
She squeezed his hand. “I didn’t realize you had heard back from her.”
“Yeah, uh, right around the time…”
From the look on her face, he didn’t need to finish that sentence. “How is everyone dealing with this?”
“Exactly like you would expect.”
“Serena’s over the moon, Izzy is cautious, and Alexis is wary but goes along with anything Serena says.”
Maddie understood his family well. She had worked hard to build relationships with each of his sisters before they’d moved to Cedar Hill. Not having siblings of her own, he knew how important it was for her to have those bonds, like the ones she felt she’d missed out on growing up. And he loved that she loved his family as much as he did. “Yep.”
“Do you want me to be there for you?”
“Not this time. We don’t want to overwhelm Rachel. It’ll just be the four of us. I don’t know if she’ll bring anyone with her, but I figured we should hold off on significant others until another time.” He said that like he planned to see his half-sister again, which hadn’t even dawned on him until this moment. But she was his sister and she might want a relationship with him and the girls.
“Well, I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”
“Thanks.” He’d had enough of all this seriousness, and the additional time had given his body a chance to calm down. “So, are we going in to work or not?”
She chuckled. “Yeah.”