Chapter Twenty-One
She shouldn’t be nervous about spending the day with Justin… but she was. When they met the other day, they hadn’t discussed the lovemaking or what she had revealed afterwards. But her mind had been racing with baby thoughts ever since. And Jen’s suggestion about looking into foster parenting had occupied much of her mind the past few days. She hadn’t mentioned anything about that idea to Justin. She wasn’t sure what his reaction would be, and until she knew how she felt on the issue, she didn’t want his opinion to influence her thought process.
But that wasn’t the only thing worrying her about today. The Crabapple Festival would be teeming with kids. And pregnant women. Maddie had handled conversations with Alison but how would she function when confronted with babies and families at every turn? That was why she had shut herself off from people and spent most of her time at home in the first place. Then she didn’t have to deal with what she couldn’t have.
At least she knew that if things overwhelmed her, she could leave Aiden with Justin and take a few minutes away from the crowds.
“Aiden, are you almost ready?” Her son’s eyes had bolted open when she’d shaken him awake this morning. Spending time with Daddy was all that he had been talking about since he found out Justin was coming with them. Maddie wished Aiden didn’t miss Justin so much. But Justin was right—Aiden was happier, and so was she, now that they’d had time apart.
“Almost!”
A minute later, Aiden thudded down the hall but stopped short just inside the kitchen door. He tilted his head and bit his lower lip.
In that moment, he looked so much like Justin. But something was bothering her son. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head and climbed into his chair. “I thought I heard Daddy. I thought he was having breakfast with us.”
“We’ll see him soon. He’s coming to pick us up for the Crabapple Festival.”
Aiden bounced in his seat. “I can’t wait to tell him about my new friend Alex. He wants me to play on his T-Ball team with him. I wanted Daddy to practice with me.”
Aiden hadn’t mentioned this before now, but she would welcome anything that brought Justin around more. And she knew that Justin was waiting for the day their son was old enough to share the sport that he loved so much. “I’m sure Daddy wants to practice with you. How about we ask him when we see him today.”
“Ask me what?” Justin stepped through the back door, looking delicious in his well-worn jeans and light blue polo shirt stretched across his chest. She swallowed thickly as she remembered running her fingers over those delicious pecs the other night. And how she’d grabbed hold of his shirt when he’d scrambled her brains in the car.
His heated gaze locked with hers a minute and then he stalked across the kitchen and pulled her into his arms, pressing his lips to hers as if they hadn’t seen each other in days. They hadn’t, but that didn’t matter. He was certainly making up for that now.
She spoke against his mouth. “Justin, Aiden’s here.”
He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “I don’t care. He needs to see his parents being affectionate with each other.”
She couldn’t argue with that.
“Besides, it’s been too long since I held you in my arms. I couldn’t wait another minute.” He brushed another kiss over her lips and then turned to Aiden but didn’t relax his embrace. “Hey, buddy, what did you want to ask me?”
Aiden hopped out of his chair and wrapped his arms around both of their legs. Like he used to do when he was a toddler and asked for family hugs.
“Daddy! I thought I heard you and now you’re here. My friend wants me to play T-Ball with him and I want to practice catching. Will you catch with me?”
Justin’s eyes met hers, distress and anguish washing through his expression before he schooled his features. It warmed her heart to know that he didn’t really want this separation any more than she did. Why, then, didn’t he just come home? What else did she have to do before he was ready to take that step?
But now was not the time to ask that question.
“Yeah, buddy, I’ll pull out the mitts later. But we’re getting ready to go to the Crabapple festival now. Aren’t you excited?”
Aiden flew back into his chair. “I need to eat breakfast.”
She and Justin threw glances at each other while Aiden chattered his way through breakfast. He finally shoved the last bite into his mouth and hurried down the hall to finish getting ready. Finally, she and Justin had a moment to be alone.
“What’s wrong, Maddie?”
She forgot how Justin could so easily read what she was feeling.
“I just… I’m confused. It’s hard being with you, kissing you…” She lowered her voice. “…making love to you, but then not having you here every day. Having to schedule time with you.”
Justin slid around the table and pulled her to her feet, wrapping her in his arms. She sought comfort against him, hoping to draw strength from him. During all those months she’d been so focused on having a baby, they hadn’t taken care of their relationship. And that was on her. And now, she was afraid of fracturing the fragile peace they had established. She didn’t want to do anything to make Justin reconsider any thoughts of coming home, but they couldn’t get there if she couldn’t talk about her concerns.
“I’m sorry that I’ve confused you. That was not my intention. When I moved out, it was because I couldn’t stand the tension. Everything in the house was about getting pregnant.”
“I know that things were awful. I don’t blame you for wanting to move out. But we’ve been happier recently, haven’t we?” Other than after they’d made love the other night, they hadn’t talked about babies or getting pregnant. While she wasn’t ready to give up on that dream yet, she could admit that their relationship had been better since that was no longer their focus.
“I don’t know how to say this so that it doesn’t hurt you, but it’s important for us to talk about our feelings. It’s the only way we’re going to fix us. And I assure you, I want to fix us.” He sucked in a breath. What he had to say must be really bad. “It has definitely been less stressful not being confronted with my shortcomings on a daily basis.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn’t meant to make him feel that way. She was the one who had failed. “You don’t have any shortcomings, Justin. I drove you away with my obsession and my ranting and I’m so sorry.”
“We both contributed to the state of our marriage that led up to this point. I don’t want to keep dwelling on that. I want to put our energies into building a future. That’s all I want. But I don’t want to move too fast, before either of us is ready, and have it devolve into what it was. Or worse. I’m worried that we jumped back into bed too soon. Before both of us could deal with our issues and resume our relationship with a clean slate.”
So this was about her obsession with getting pregnant. She was trying, she really was. She just had to work harder, because what she had come to realize is that focusing solely on having a baby wasn’t worth risking her marriage over.
“What are you thinking?”
“I was thinking that no baby, nothing is worth losing you. But I know I messed up when I couldn’t stop thinking about the calendar the other night. I just don’t know how to turn that off. I don’t know how to deal with wanting two things and knowing that having one might mean not having the other.”
His arms tightened around her and she sank into him. Just being able to talk to him, and not yell and scream at each other, gave her hope. “I definitely have a lot to cover with Dr. Bryson next week.”
Justin squeezed her hands. “I’m glad talking to her is working for you. You let me know if and when you’re ready for me to join you. I want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. If I thought continuing to try for another baby would solve all of our problems, I’d be here. But I don’t believe it will, and the trying made you so unhappy. We just have to figure out what will give us a healthy marriage, and I’m willing to work my ass off for that.”
Tears sprang to her eyes and she bit them back. She was done being a crybaby.
He leaned forward and rested his forehead on hers. She always loved when he did that, a silent moment for the two of them to connect.
But the silence was broken when Aiden came stomping down the hall and burst into the kitchen. She was lucky they had gotten that much time to talk. She swiped under her eyes and turned to her son. “You ready?”
“Yep. Do you think Aunt Serena is going to be there?”
Serena usually set up a petting area during the festival. It was another great way for her to raise the visibility of her shelter. Justin crouched down to Aiden’s level. “Probably. We’ll have to see. I know that Aunt Izzy will be there with her dancers.”
Aiden got a look on his face like she’d just asked him to eat liver and Brussels sprouts for dinner.
Justin laughed and scooped Aiden up, buzzing kisses on his cheek. Justin was such a good father. That was why it was so hard knowing that she might not be able to give him another child. Stop it, Maddie. She’d just resolved to focus on her marriage. Today was about the three of them spending time as a family.
A few minutes later, they climbed into Justin’s car for the short trip downtown.
The festival was in full force when they pulled into the parking lot. The sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The temperature was perfect for the T-shirt, scarf, and jeans that she had agonized over this morning. It was like the weather knew that they had plans today and cooperated.
“There’s Aunt Serena!” Aiden screeched from the back seat.
Sure enough, Serena had set up a fenced-in area and had a half-dozen dogs and puppies scrambling around among an equal number of kids.
They released Aiden from his car seat and as soon as they stepped into the grass, he rushed up the hill. Justin reached for her hand and linked his fingers with hers. He smiled at her as she squeezed back, and together they headed toward Serena at a much slower pace than their energy-filled son. She loved living in a town like Cedar Hill where she could let Aiden run ahead without worrying about his safety. But as expected, he didn’t go any further than the animal pen, where he threw his arms around Serena’s legs.
She laughed as Maddie and Justin approached. “He wanted to go in with the puppies but I told him we have to wait and make sure it’s okay with you guys.”
Maddie hugged her sister-in-law hello. Aiden was fortunate to have such a wonderful extended family. “Of course it is.”
The words were barely out of her mouth before Aiden was rushing into the pen. “Aiden, remember to be gentle around the puppies.”
“I will, Mommy.” He didn’t even look up from the black-and-white patchwork fuzzball he had commandeered.
“He’ll be okay here if you guys want to go hang out at the festival for a while. I can text you if he’s ready to leave.”
Maddie searched her face to see if there was something behind her offer. “Are you sure? We didn’t bring him here for you to babysit him.”
Serena pressed on her arm and nudged her toward the park. “Nonsense. I have to be here anyway and you guys could use a little Aiden-free time, I imagine.”
Maddie laughed as Serena waggled her eyebrows. She checked with Justin and he smiled. He was leaving it up to her. Always the gentleman. She turned back to Serena. “Sounds great. Just text if he becomes too much.”
They said their goodbyes to Aiden, who barely acknowledged their departure, and headed into the festival. She drew in a deep breath, and the scent of crabapple and cherry blossoms and a wide array of flowers filled her senses. She loved the warmer weather when the trees bloomed and the grass grew anew, everything springing forth with new life. Every year, spring gave Maddie hope.
When she thought back to last spring, she never could have imagined that she would be where she was right now. She expected to at least be pregnant if not already having a baby. Instead she was separated from her husband and a potential pregnancy wasn’t even on the horizon.
* * *
Justin settled his arm around Maddie’s waist as they ambled around the festival. The warmth of her curves against him, the sweet smile on her face as she looked up at him, had him wanting to find the first tree to duck behind and make out like they were teenagers. Especially since they hadn’t followed through after their session in the car the other day.
The stress lines on Maddie’s face relaxed as they wove among the tents featuring local businesses and made their way to the activity section. Town organizers had tried to expand the festival a couple of years ago, wanting to add midway style games and rides, but the residents had balked. The small-town feel of the festival was what drew attendees from as far away as Oak Grove.
Justin scanned the crowd. Had Rachel ever been to the crabapple festival? He could have been near her before and never known it. He shook his head. None of that mattered. They would meet Rachel on Tuesday and no amount of worrying would make that come any sooner… or go any smoother.
“Oh, look,” Maddie cried and extended her hand.
He looked to where she was pointing and saw Wanda Harrison herding a small group of kids, including Sofia, across the park. The little girl had caught Maddie’s eye at Serena’s shelter, but Maddie had also run out, the pain of hearing the child’s story too much to bear. Justin tightened his arm around Maddie’s waist, wanting her to know that he was there for her, no matter what. But the smile on Maddie’s face today must mean that she had put the earlier incident behind her.
Maddie tugged him toward the group. “Hey, Wanda.”
The woman waved. She bent down and whispered something to Sofia and the little girl spun around, a huge smile directed at Maddie.
Maddie knelt and put herself at Sofia’s level. It hurt Justin’s heart to see how good Maddie was with kids and to know that he couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted most—a baby. But he was right that their relationship was still too precarious to consider bringing another child into it now. What if they couldn’t resolve their differences? That would mean two of his kids would grow up with a part-time father, and that was unacceptable to him. The alternative was staying in an unhappy situation for the sake of the kids, something his mother had done. Again, not a situation he was willing to consider.
“What do you think about that, Justin?”
“What? I’m sorry. I was zoned out for a minute.”
Maddie tucked her hand in Justin’s elbow. “I was saying that we could take Sofia and have her bob for some crabapples, maybe run one of the races with the other kids.”
Justin gritted his teeth. He was just thinking that they weren’t ready to expand their family, and now Maddie wanted to spend time with Sofia. But he couldn’t say no to her when her eyes lit up so brightly every minute she spent with the girl. “Sure. How about we go get Aiden, too?”
Ten minutes later, Aiden and Sofia were skipping ahead of Justin and Maddie, their arms linked. The sight had his heart beating faster. Aiden was so good with other kids. He deserved to have a brother or sister. But he wasn’t sure Maddie getting closer to Sofia was the answer to their problems. Her heart had broken when she’d last seen Sofia. what if something else happened to trigger the heartbreak again?
Aiden pulled Sofia toward the basins full of water, crabapples floating on top. He’d tried bobbing for crabapples… once… when he was a kid. One of the few times Dad had brought him to the Crabapple Festival. Little did Aiden and Sofia know that they were about to get a mouth full of sour. There was a reason that the adults stood by and watched while the kids joined in. Except for Maddie, who had climbed down onto the ground beside Sofia and Aiden and was about to demonstrate.
“Maddie, wait—”
He was too late. Maddie’s face was buried in the water and she came up, flinging her hair back off her face, a small crabapple in her mouth. She threw a huge smile at Sofia, but as she bit into the fruit, her face transformed and she squeezed her eyes closed.
He couldn’t help but laugh.
Maddie’s attention was solely focused on Sofia, almost to Aiden’s detriment. That concerned him. Maddie had come a long way with her need to have a baby, despite her frustrations after making love the other night. But he couldn’t help but be wary.
Substituting one obsession for another was not the right answer, but he didn’t know how to stop it. Maybe spending time with Sofia today wasn’t the best thing for Maddie while they were still finding their way back to each other and she was accepting the fact that they might not have other kids.
Maddie stepped up beside him and rested her hand on his arm. He hadn’t even seen her stand up, so focused on the worst-case scenario. “What’s wrong?”
He didn’t want to be the one to extinguish her light. To take away the happiness that she had found in Sofia. That didn’t mean he wasn’t concerned, but he didn’t need to raise the alarm with Maddie. At least not today. He shook his head and snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her close so she was pressed to his side. Right where she belonged. “Nothing. Today is a great day, isn’t it?”
“It is. Because we’re here as a family.”
And that was the bottom line. Their family was healthier than they had been in a long time, and he and Maddie were on the path to reconciliation. He just needed to keep his eye on the end goal.