The library wasn’t as full as other days. Probably because it was a sunny Sunday afternoon tailor made for beaches and outdoor malls, not for being surrounded by stacks upon stacks of medical anatomy books. It wasn’t a large library, but it definitely had everything a medical student might need and it was attached to Sierra View, so they didn’t need to go far to get it. Shepard glanced out of the window next to his table, which he found to be an immediate mistake. It was a beautiful day outside and the library’s front lawn was filled with picnics and games and friends just hanging out. There were even a few hammocks which must have had a waiting list that stretched for days. The moment Shepard looked outside and broke his chain of attention, his mind was set free. Daydreams flooded in, pushing out the neuromuscular disease he was just learning about.

Instead, his thoughts were replaced with flashbacks from a year ago. He could see Nick’s sweaty, flushed chest above him. He could see the doctor’s smoldering smile, a grin that sold pure sex. Shepard could feel the doctor’s strong hands, climbing up Shepard’s stomach, grabbing at his nipples while Nick’s lips wrapped around Shepard’s hard, throbbing dick.

This wasn’t the first time he imagined this. No, Shepard had the memories down in his mind like a grainy VHS, playing back on frequent occasions. It caused inopportune boners, that was for sure, but Shepard couldn’t really control it either. He wanted to stop thinking about Nick, he wanted to go back to focusing on school and nothing else. But that wasn’t the case. Even when Shepard was dating Rick, he would still find his mind drifting to Nicholas White.

Maybe I don’t even know what I want.

Shepard sighed, realizing that even if he wanted the doctor, he would never get him. Their encounter, although spectacular and mind-blowing, was brief and never picked up for a second episode. Shepard wasn’t sure what happened, but Nick immediately turned off any kind of connection they were forming and walled himself off practically the day after they had hooked up. And he cut himself off from not only Shepard, but it seemed like he distanced himself from everyone at the hospital, too. Rumors swirled around the halls of Sierra View (Shepard was thankful that his name didn’t come up in any of them) but the general consensus was that something big happened in Nick’s life and his new attitude was a result of it. He was still divorced, that much was obvious from the lack of the ring, but no one knew anything past that. As the days passed, he started picking on residents and became a lot icier, even when they were around patients. It confused Shepard, who had previously noted Nick’s exceptional bedside manner. Shepard had considered asking him what was wrong during a visit to the doctor’s office hours, and almost did, too, but Nick quickly shut down the conversation when he saw where it was headed, giving Shepard a signal to back off. It hurt, but Shepard had to listen. For some reason, maybe it was the overgrown Disney romantic in him, but he thought that he would have been able to ride in and save Nick from whatever he was going through and they would realize their love for each other in the process.

Yeah… I have to stop watching Disney movies before I go to sleep.

Shepard sighed and broke his gaze from the library’s courtyard. His daydream boner had left and his mind went back to focusing on the nervous system, which was illustrated in full 3D on his iPad. He didn’t even really need to be in a library since almost all of his books were e-books, but the setting definitely helped get him in the studying mood.

“Ugh,” Betty groaned quietly from across the table. She crossed her arms on the table and dropped her head into the makeshift cave. “If I have to read about axons and myelin sheaths one more time, I’m going to lose it.”

“I’m a chapter behind you,” Shepard said. He looked at his notes, seeing a page filled with modern-day hieroglyphics. “I can’t keep focused.”

Betty lifted her head up. “Tell me about it,” she said. “My neurons are fried.” She chuckled and shook her head at her own pun. “We have to study for STEPS, plus work half the day, annnd, to top it off, I have to plan my sister’s wedding.”

“Well, not the entire thing. Just the fun stuff.”

“Yeah, you would think. Being the bride of honor is no joke. I think it’s harder than getting into medical school.” She chuckled, her dark curly hair bouncing slightly. “It doesn’t help that Selena is the definition of a bridezilla. I swear, I think her wedding dress even has the Godzilla spine on it. Those big triangle scales. Yep.” They laughed some more before Betty added, “I mean, she can pull it off. I’m sure of it.”

“Mhmm,” Shepard said, smiling. He understood where the friendly sibling shade came from, seeing as he was a twin and all. “Speaking of crazy siblings getting married,” Shepard glanced at his phone, “I’m expecting a call from Crow any minute now.”

“Crow? Wait… your brother is getting married?!” Betty’s hands came up to her mouth, covering the widening smile.

“Yep,” Shepard said, matching Betty’s excitement. He sat up a little straighter in the hard wooden chair. Shepard wondered if someone’s job was to specifically make library chairs as uncomfortable as possible to deter from sleeping. “His boyfriend gave me the heads up.”

“This is crazy,” Betty’s voice was getting louder. Shepard heard someone cough from across the room, on the other side of the stacks of medical books. “Crazy,” Betty emphasized, lowering her voice, “So many people are getting married.”

“Tell me about it,” Shepard said, feeling a sting of bitterness. Growing up, he had to fight hard to stay out of his brother’s shadow. Crow was always the star of the family, holding the center of attention like it was his destiny to. He knew what to do when all the eyes were on him, and he used that to his advantage. Crow was always the more popular, outgoing one of the two. Shepard found his talents manifested between books, inside libraries, studying things he didn’t even need to learn about. He had simply enjoyed learning. The moment their parents realized this, they steered both children in the appropriate directions. Shepard never felt overly pressured, and thankfully he truly enjoyed being a doctor, because he was definitely prodded toward that route. He knew that if he did anything else with his life, his parents would support him, but the disappointment would be palpable. His brother, on the other hand, finished college and followed his passion for music. He was well on his way to becoming a star and was in the middle of his first national tour.

But none of that had ever made Shepard feel bad about himself. That problem never really plagued Shepard. Not until recently, at least.

Now, Shepard was feeling the bitterness spread through him as the days went on and more people settled down with the ones they loved. That was what made Shepard jealous. Which turned into a bitter pill because he absolutely hated feeling jealous. He felt like jealousy was such a terrible emotion, one that could eat at your core until there was nothing left. Some people used jealousy to drive them forward, but Shepard felt like using his own determination to better himself was more than enough fuel. All the great green monster did was make Shepard feel like shit, like he was missing out on something and quickly losing the chance to ever get it. It was an unneeded pressure. It didn’t matter what anyone else had or who they were sleeping next to. All that mattered was what Shepard had in his life and that he had the means of getting whatever else he wanted.

Although… the clock was ticking and Shepard was nowhere closer to finding that one partner in crime he could share his life with. That was all he wanted, and he wasn’t getting it.

Maybe I’m never going to find ‘the one’. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone.

Betty started looking at her fingernails and pursed her lips. “I may or may not have left a website for engagement rings open on Steve’s laptop.”

“You’re bad,” Shepard said, laughing even though the bitter blade was back again, prodding him in the ribs. Betty shrugged, wearing a playful smile, her lip gloss catching the afternoon light streaming in from the window. “I think he got the message.”

“He better have.”

Shepard’s phone started to ring. It was Crow requesting to connect on a FaceTime call. “Oh shit, it’s him.” Shepard stuffed his iPad into his black backpack and got up from his seat.

“Alright, you coming back?”

Shepard shook his head. “Probably not,” he said, already halfway down a stack of books, heading toward the elevators. “Sorry!” he called, a little too loudly for being in the library, smiling back at Betty, who was throwing him an under-the-table middle finger. She then blew a kiss to him as he ducked into an empty elevator that had just let out a couple of freshman, judging by their innocent faces untouched by the damages of life’s major stresses. Shepard caught the kiss, turned, and slapped his butt just as the elevator doors were shutting. The phone was still vibrating in Shepard’s hands, thankfully keeping the connection through the elevator ride down to the first floor. When the doors opened, he hurried out and answered the call just as he was getting out of the main doors.

His smiling twin was beaming on the screen, his eyes wet at the corners. He was definitely caught by surprise, Shepard could tell. He smiled back, already feeling emotional for his brother. He was so happy Ethan had put a ring on his finger, because they were both truly perfect for each other. Crow had desperately needed someone to ground him as his music career took off, and Ethan was exactly that. They were always such a great time to be around because of how much they loved each other. Shepard couldn’t be happier to be welcoming Ethan into his family.

“Holy shit, holy shit.” Crow’s hands were clearly shaking as he held the phone up. They were in Paris, right in front of The Louvre, a place that couldn’t be more romantic if it had tried. The day seemed perfect behind them, with only a couple of thick white clouds hanging in the light blue sky like they were painted up there with a happy little brush. Shepard could see the glass walls of the museum behind them. There was already a small crowd forming; people who must have recognized Crow and wanted a selfie with him. Crow laughed and handed the phone to Ethan, who seemed to have a steadier hold.

“Did he do it yet?!” Shepard knew it was a silly question, but he wanted to toy with his brother a bit and clue him in to the fact that he was in on the plan.

“Wait, you knew?!” Crow asked, a broad smile on his face.

“Of course!” Shepard answered, “Ethan told me like a month ago. He asked Pops, what, last week?”

“You asked our dad?” Crow turned to Ethan, his eyes wide.

“I wanted to,” Ethan said, smiling. “He told me that as long as I promised to be on his team for the next Pictionary Thanksgiving marathon, then it was all good.”

“Of course he would,” Crow said.

“Dad gave you away for an unbeatable Pictionary teammate,” Shepard teased.

“I am pretty good,” Ethan added.

“Congratulations you guys! This is exactly what I needed to hear today.” Shepard moved around so that he could sit on the wooden bench just outside the library, the parking lot just across from him.

“I’m genuinely surprised you were able to hold that secret for a month,” Crow said, laughing. “Check out the ring.” Crow lifted his hand, showing off the classy and sleek silver band. It had a thin sapphire blue line running through the center, setting it apart from every other ring. Shepard thought it looked great over the phone but he knew it looked spectacular in person.

“He’s seen it,” Ethan said with a smirk. “He helped me get it fitted.”

“Damn,” Crow said, “you guys are sneaks.”

“Gotta do what you gotta do,” Ethan said, kissing Crow’s cheek.

That was when Shepard noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Movement. But it looked like someone familiar. Shepard glanced toward the shape and saw Nick rushing down the street. It looked like he was coming from the hospital, which was right behind the library.

That was when he saw Nick trip and fall, grabbing at a parking meter next to his car but missing it and landing on his hands.

“Alright, guys, I’ve got to go.” Shepard looked nervous but quickly adopted the big, wide smile the Kensworth brothers rocked so well.

“Everything ok?” Crow asked, sensing it.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll fill you in when you get back.” Shepard hung up the call with another big congrats and then shot up from his seat, running to where Nick had fallen.