Chapter Nine

“What is it about you?” Cohen whispered into her hair. His arms were wrapped tightly around her as if she might fly away at any moment.

“Rationality would say we are equally suited for a mate bond,” Ashe began. “But, my heart and mind are too damned flustered to find where we equal one another.”

His nose nuzzled the soft skin behind her ear. “You’re telling me. You’re a damned goddess and I’m just a beast.”

Ashe snorted. “Is there any way we aren’t monsters? Is there any story line where you and I have a happy ending?” Ashe had never spoken this fear out loud before. She lived, constantly, as if the sky might fall on her at any second. She’d thought that by living with her head down, she could put it off.

She thought she could live a little bit longer.

“You could make the world bow to you, if you wanted. There isn’t much you have to fear.”

She shook her head. “I might have, uh, fallen asleep at the window waiting for a witch hunt. I live in constant fear. Of my Pack. Of myself. What isn’t there to be afraid of?”

Cohen’s grip on her tightened. She returned the favor, holding him as close as she possibly could.

“I didn’t tell anyone about what you did. Honestly? I was grateful. It was terrifying, but it also prevented a lot of pain. You kept the beast in check when I couldn’t, and I will forever be grateful for that.”

“Is that why you came here? Do you think that by wooing me, you’ll have a failsafe at your side?” Despite her words, Ashe found herself pleased. If that was what it took to get Cohen to come to her… it was wrong. It was manipulative. Yet, she was lonely, and her heart filled with desire when she was around him.

Cohen didn’t speak. He laid his head against her chest, the moment drawing out as if he were searching for the right words.

“What if… what if it’s more than that? What if there’s something between us that we just haven’t acknowledged yet? It might have always been there, been the reason I was drawn to you all those years ago. Things were different then, you were too young, just a child. I was older and already struggling with myself.”

He paused, taking a deep breath.

“But, there was something that pulled me to you. When my brothers would argue that it was their turn to sit with you, I told them to go out and have fun. I made it sound like I was a martyr when I honestly looked forward to seeing you again. It meant you were safe. It also meant my beast was quiet – a sort of bond. Between them. Between us.”

“Are you talking about the kind of bond Archer and Joanna have? A mate bond?”

She couldn’t describe the emotions fluttering through her. If she closed her eyes, she was a teenager again, scared and in love with a terrifying man. After he’d left, she wondered if she’d loved him because he was a bigger monster than her nightmares. He’d been a force that scared the things that hurt her, and it had endeared him to her. It had made him into a kind of dark hero.

Yet, since his return, she’d been inexplicably drawn to him over and over again. They couldn’t ignore the way they gravitated toward one another, like moths to a burning flame.

Cohen felt lucky for a split second, then he remembered. This was not permanent. She belonged to the Vancourt Pack and he was not someone who could live in a Pack. Cohen needed to be apart from people. He needed to make sure he hurt no one. He wanted to spirit her away, to take her to wherever he bunkered down next, but he wasn’t about to take her against her will. And, he was sure her will would be far stronger than his.

There was no way of knowing what would make him lose control next. Killian looking at Ashe had tipped him over the edge, spilling him into an endless pit of rage that would have destroyed anyone who even stepped near her. Before that, being kidnapped by Killian’s brats had rendered him so lost he needed Gage and Kaylee to pull him back.

His fingers played along the bare skin of her back, reveling in it as long for as he could. Come morning, he would have to leave. He needed to get away from this place before he was pulled deeper. As much as he wanted to explore what was between them, he didn’t want to risk hurting anyone any longer.

The thought of leaving her behind made his throat close. Could he continue life without her? Was it even worth it? A thought wandered through his mind, dark and broken, before he shut it down.

“What are you thinking about?” Ashe broke the silence, as if she knew the direction his mind had taken and wanted to pull him back.

He looked down at her. Black hair was twisted this way and that from their lovemaking. Purple bruises marked their skin from where they’d bitten each other. “I’m thinking about what’s inside you,” he lied.

“Not your penis. At least, not right now.” She laughed, and the sound filled him with indescribable emotion.

His throat closed. He wished he was the kind of man who could make her happy, who could protect her for the rest of his days.

“I, uh,” she began as her brows pressed together. “I’m not sure what is actually inside me. It’s been there, lurking somewhere deep, but it’s never done anything to help me. No matter what dad did to pull it out, it refused to listen.”

“Sounds like we have the opposite problem. Mine won’t stay where I tell it and yours won’t even come out.”

She buried her face in his chest and snorted. His fingers threaded through her hair, gently tugging out the knots.

“Do you think it will ever come out? Do you even want it to?”

“I’m not sure. Since you came back, it’s been more active than ever. I’ve seen more of it, although I’m not sure how to put the clues together to even know what form to call upon. I know the force isn’t a lynx like dad. It’s its own beast.”

“How could that happen?”

“Mom’s magic? I’m not sure, but that’s the only answer that makes any sense.”

“Speaking of her,” Cohen began. He didn’t know if this was a subject he should bring up, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Did she have power like yours? Could she command bodies?”

Ashe didn’t speak. Silence filled the air and it felt like a pressure weighing down on him. Normally, silence was a good thing, but the lack of her voice after he’d spoken killed him. It was a knife through his heart.

“I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing. Just forget I asked, alright?”

She shook her head. “No, you deserve to know.”

He laughed, the sound weak. “I don’t deserve anything.”

She ignored him and went on. “I think she had a problem with control. The magic can whisper sometimes. It can beg to be used, especially when it sees something it can control. She leaned on her magic instead of controlling it. So, when she bonded with Dad,” Ashe struggled with the words. She wouldn’t look him in the eye. “I think she was afraid of losing him and so she used her magic to make it so he couldn’t leave her. It was a moment of weakness and desperation by a woman with no morals. I don’t agree with what she did, but I kind of understand.”

“Understand? How so?”

She pulled her head away from his chest and looked up at him. Her lips were swollen from the kisses they’d shared, and her eyes wavered with what looked like incoming tears. “I know you have no plans to stay here.”

He let out a breath, intending to lie, to argue, but nothing came out. How could he lie to her? She’d just bared everything to him. To lie now would be to betray every door they’d just opened.

He pressed his lips together. Ashe pulled back. Her arms left him, and he found himself cold as she rolled off the edge of the bed. She sat there, for a long while, with her back to him. Cohen wanted to reach out to her, but he forced his hands to stay where they were.

He licked his lips. “You could… you could come with me when I leave.”

She spun on him. There were tears brimming her eyes. He’d never felt such pain before as the stabbing feeling in his heart. He reached out to her, unable to control his hands, but she backed away from his touch.

“You’re going to ask me to turn my back on my Pack? No matter what, I made a pledge to them.”

His brows furrowed. “You made a pledge to the people who tortured you! They cut you open to see if you would heal like a shifter. Don’t deny it. I saw the scars. They scared you to see if your animal would try to save you. Yet, you want to hate me for leaving?”

“Yes!” She shouted, standing now. She snatched up a bathrobe and pulled it over her bare skin, wrapping her arms around her middle. “There are some people here who I consider my family. You can’t ask me to leave them. Not when things are still such a mess.” She paused. “They also need you right now.”

Cohen was getting angry. “You confessed that you fell asleep at the window waiting for the witch hunt! And you consider these people your family?”

“I consider Joanna my family. Archer and Gage. Kaylee. While I have no love for my own father or those like Grover, there are others in the Pack that I do love. Why can’t you see that things like this make us stronger?”

He shook his head. He snatched his pants from the floor. He was stupid for even asking. He was an idiot for thinking this could be anything more than just pent up lust. She didn’t understand why he needed to leave. She never would, preferring to tie herself to those who would betray her at the drop of a hat.

The bear roared, knowing Cohen was about to leave. The bear wanted nothing to do with Cohen’s attempt at rationality. All it wanted was for him to turn back to her. It wanted to lick away her tears and hold her for the rest of the night.

Cohen told the bear to shut up and yanked his jeans over his hips.

“Don’t you feel it?” Ashe asked, her voice small. “When you’re with Gage and Kaylee? The bear isn’t as angry. It becomes softer, more agreeable.”

He paused, stricken by her words.

“You’re an idiot for ignoring it Cohen Vancourt. You just keep running and hurting yourself as if you were some damned martyr. You can’t hurt anyone if you’re not around anyone, right? You won’t kill the people you love if you’re slowly going insane by yourself, right?”

He spun on her, a snarl on his lips. His long legs brought him to her in one stride, but she was quick. Her eyes flooded with the glowing silver and her magic wrapped around him. She shook her head. Her magic held him in place. He could do no more than listen.

Cohen wanted to snarl and fight against it, but his beast sat back on it’s haunches and watched him. If anything, he could have sworn it shook its head in shame.

“Your bear fights the way it does because it is a protector. Give it something to protect and you will find a balance unlike anything you’ve ever known. Already, having Gage and Kaylee makes it happier.

“I know how it feels about me,” she said, her cheeks darkening. “Does it become softer around me, too? Can’t you see that all it wants is something to protect? You’re an Alpha. Stop ignoring it and do what you’re supposed to.”

Her magic released him, and he stood, gasping for breath.