NEW YEAR, OLD HABITS

“Jules?” I call, lightly tapping the glass of her driver side window. When she called asking if I would meet her here I could tell she was upset, but I no idea I would find her sobbing in her car when I arrived.

When she doesn’t respond to my knock, I reach for the handle and open the door. Confusion washes over her face as she looks up at me. Her bloodshot eyes are glazed over, and her pale cheeks are stained with stripes of red and black.

“Oh God, Jules,” I breathe, crouching down to her level. “Hey, what’s going on?” Reaching up, I tuck her wet, matted hair behind her ear before wiping away a fresh tear with the pad of my thumb.

She hiccups, trying to catch her breath, her eyes struggling to focus on me.

“Hey, talk to me,” I coax again. “What’s going on? Did something happen with Christopher?”

I hate myself for hoping it was their breakup that caused this. Not that I’d want her to be this upset for any reason, but I so desperately want Julianna to be mine. She didn’t tell me about him until after we had gone to dinner and a movie that first night—which I hadn’t exactly been thrilled about seeing as I treated the entire night as a date. I brushed it off, though. It’s not like they’re married, and... I mean, the guy lives seven hundred miles away, it’s not likely that they have a future. As far as I’m concerned, I have a chance. Our connection is still there, and I know she feels it too.

Her eyes flutter and narrow in on me. It’s as if the haze is lifted and she’s seeing me for the first time. “I’m sorry.” She tries to dry her face with the end of the hockey jersey she’s wearing. “I’m such a mess, but I’ll be okay. Honest. I just need a moment.”

“Hey,” I say, placing my hand on her shoulder. “Listen. You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m glad you called me. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you, Jules.” She nods and gives me a weak smile before diverting her eyes. “I’m going to give you a moment. I’ll be right by my car. When you’re ready, you come over and we can talk if you want. Okay?”

“Thank you.” She sniffles, nodding again.

Standing, I close her door before walking back over to my car. The night air is freezing, but the adrenaline pumping through my veins is keeping me warm. Leaning up against my car, I pull out a cigarette and light it, only getting in a couple puffs before I hear Julianna getting out of her car. Turning to watch her, I throw the cigarette down to the ground and snub it out with the sole of my boot. She looks a little more put together than she did a moment ago, but it’s still very evident she was crying.

“So, you want to talk about it?” I ask as she comes to a stop in front of me.

She shakes her head and drops her eyes as her body trembles.

“Are you all right?”

“No, I’m not,” she whispers, shocking me.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Her eyes lift, meeting my gaze again. “Hug me?”

My heart seizes in my chest as I nod and spread my arms.

“Anytime, Jules.” She smiles, making her eyes seem brighter, and I pull her into me, lightly kissing the side of her head as she snuggles into my embrace.

A mixture of panic and need courses through me as she presses herself into my body, letting out a sigh of contentment and relief. Not only is she extremely distraught, she’s also intoxicated. The second I opened her car door, I could smell the alcohol on her. There’s no way I can allow anything to happen between us with her in this state.

That’s not the way I want any of our firsts to go down. The first time my lips touch hers, I want her to have full possession of her senses so I can steal them from her. Her need for me should be the only reason she doesn’t have full control over her facilities—not alcohol.

Even though this is truly how I feel, having her pressed up against my body is threating to release years of caged desire for her. I need to remove myself from this situation, but I can’t send her home in her condition either.

“Hey,” I say, reluctantly coaxing her away from me. “It’s cold out here. My house is right up the road. Why don’t you come with me? You can rest and sober up a bit. I’ll bring you back to your car later.”

My solution really only adds gasoline to the fire. Being alone with her at my house is not a good idea, but it’s the only one I’ve got.

She looks at me with uncertainty for a moment, but agrees with a nod of her head before walking over to the passenger side of my car. Looking up to the sky on a long exhale, I say a silent prayer for strength before joining her inside.

Once we arrive at my house, Julianna makes herself comfortable, lying down on my loveseat. She’s all cried out, but the alcohol still has a strong hold on her. She giggled the entire car ride here and her words were all slurred.

Taking a seat on the chair opposite the loveseat, I watch her as she rambles on about everything and nothing.

“Maybe you should think about staying for the night,” I suggest as she struggles to keep her eyes open.

Smirking, she turns her head in my direction and fixes her gaze on me. “Will I get to sleep in your bed?”

Her question causes an involuntary twitch in my pants, and I take a deep inhale of breath, trying desperately to keep any inappropriate thoughts out of my mind.

“Well…I wasn’t planning to make you sleep on the couch, Jules,” I scoff, playing off her question as if I didn’t get her meaning. “Of course you can sleep in my bed.”

“Hmmm…” she moans softly, losing the battle to keep her eyes open. “Does that mean I’d get to sleep with you?”

What the fuck? She’s killing me. I only have so much will power. Sucking in a ragged breath, I run my hand through my hair before trying to discreetly make an adjustment in my pants.

“You’re so drunk.” Feigning my composure, I get up and walk over to her. “You need to go to sleep. Come on. I’ll tuck you in.”

When she lifts one eyelid, I extend my hand, and she grabs ahold of it, allowing me to help her up and guide her down the hall to my bedroom. We get to my bed and she sits on the edge of it while I help her get her shoes off. As I’m laying her back on the bed, she pulls on my shirt, bringing me closer.

“Stay in here with me.” Her eyes are pleading as they peer into mine.

Sighing, I rest my forehead on hers. “I can’t.”

“Why don’t you want me?”

“What?” I cry, pulling back to meet her gaze again. Is she serious? Can she truthfully not tell how attracted I am to her? Is she honestly clueless about how I feel—how I’ve always felt about her?

“Trust me, Jules, I want you more than you can ever possibly know. But not now, not when you’re like this. If you remember any of this tomorrow when you’re sober and still want to talk about it, I’ll be happy to prove how badly I want you. Okay?”

“Okay,” she sighs, snuggling further into my bed, her eyes closing again as sleep begins to take her.

January 1st

Groaning, I roll out of bed, deciding to give up on sleep. My mind is too wired. Being with Jules last night felt good and natural—like we were Eric and Jules again. It’s alarming how quickly I seem to be picking up old habits. It’s not possible to get back what we had. We’re different people now, and even if that weren’t the case, I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want things to be the way they always were between us—me always wanting more of her than she wants to give.

We can’t be friends. It’ll never be enough for me. I want to know what it feels like to hold her, kiss her, make love to her, call her mine.

The only time she ever seems to show any real interest in me is when she’s drunk. If I were a lesser man, I could easily take advantage of that, but I’m not that guy, and I don’t want to simply hook up with Jules. When it comes to her, I want it all. I always have.

Last night really fucked with my head on so many different levels. What the hell was that shit about her hoping to spend her whole year with me? An entire year of laughing and having a good time? Is that something I’d even want?

Who am I kidding? Of course it is. I want it more than anything in this world, but I don’t want the heartache of losing it all over again.

My cellphone rings, startling me out of my deep thoughts, and I let out a stream of curses as I pick it up off my nightstand to answer it.

“Yeah.”

“Wow, good morning to you too,” Red scorns. “Does your piss poor attitude mean things didn’t go well with Julianna at the wedding last night?”

Her worried tone causes guilt to gnaw at my gut. I’ve thought about telling her the truth, that Julianna and I have a past, but I don’t know whether it would make things easier or harder. Knowing Roxy, she’d only try harder to play matchmaker.

“No, everything went well actually. She did a great job, and it made my life a lot easier.”

She lets out harsh breath of relief, then squeals in excitement.

“Yay! Thank God! See, I told you having an assistant would make things easier on you. Now, say it.”

“Say what?” I scoff.

“Say, ‘you were right, Red.’”

Laughing, I shake my head and give in to her demand.

“You were right, Red.”

“There,” she snickers, “that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now, be sure to keep that in mind in the future.”

“Don’t push it.” She only laughs more at my attempt to sound commanding. “Did you actually need something?”

“Yes, I wanted to invite you to come have drinks with Julianna and I tomorrow night. I’m taking her out for her birthday.”

My chest tightens as my vision blurs, the keychain I gave her on her sixteenth birthday flashing through my mind. It’s a stupid trinket, and the fact that she kept it doesn’t mean anything, but it still managed to cause a small seed of hope to bloom inside me.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think it’s best if I keep my relationship with her strictly professional.”

“What?” My nostrils flare at her shrill tone. “You’ve never been that way with me. Is this about your past with her?”

“My what?”

“You called her Jules. It wasn’t hard to figure out the two of you have a past.” She sighs dramatically. “She tried to play it off, said the two of you were just friends, but it’s obvious there was a lot more to it than that.”

Just friends. Of course she said that. That’s how she saw it.

“My answer is no,” I bite out. “I have to go.”