JUST FEEL

February 11th

“So, this weekend?” I lamely pry as we’re cleaning up for the day.

All week, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to ask her out on a date, and that’s the best I could come up with. Julianna throws me off my game. It’s not about the score with her; I want to take the trophy home.

She’s been more relaxed and open around me this week, like the Jules I know and love, but I have no intention of sliding back into the friendzone. It’s finally our time, and I’m not going to let it slip away.

Her back stiffens and she pauses before turning her gaze to me. “What?”

She watches me, wide-eyed and frozen, as I walk toward her, my doubt growing. I haven’t been this nervous over asking someone out since high school. Feigning confidence and calm, I smirk as I reach her, taking her hand in mine.

She sucks in a long breath, her eyes falling to our interlocked hands before lifting to meet mine again, a flush crawling up her neck. I’m not sure whether her reaction is a good or bad sign, but I push forward.

“Will you have dinner with me this weekend? I can take you somewhere nice or cook us something, whatever you prefer.”

My stomach knots as a frown mars her face. Dropping her head, she slips her hand from mine and turns away, busying herself again with cleaning up the studio.

“I can’t,” she sighs. “I’m flying out to Pennsylvania tomorrow after work. I need to pack up my things and have them shipped here.”

I furrow my brows, blindsided by this news. It takes several seconds for my brain to process the information. Had she been planning on not telling me at all? Why would she hide something like this from me?

“Okay,” I drawl. “How long have you been planning this?”

She shrugs, keeping her focus on her task. “A while.”

My jaw ticks as I run my hands through my hair, trying to keep a lid on my frustration. She’s acting like this is no big deal, but it is, and I don’t understand why she always makes it so hard for anyone to be there for her. She acts as if she’s able carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, but no one’s that strong.

“Hey.” I place a hand on her shoulder, urging her to look at me.

Her shoulders rise and fall as she takes a deep breath before turning to me with a fake smile plastered on her face.

“Yeah?”

Cupping my hands around her face, I peer into her eyes, hoping to see past all her walls and false pretenses. “You don’t have to do this alone. Let me be there for you.”

Her eyes lock with mine and I see it briefly—her vulnerability—right before she closes them. She places her hands over mine, letting out a sigh, as if reveling in my touch. Grasping onto me, she slides out of my hold then releases me as she steps back and opens them again.

“I’m not going alone. Lizzy is going with me.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for the two of you to travel alone,” I protest, shaking my head as I rub the back on my neck. “What if Christopher acts out or does something to hurt you?”

“He wouldn’t hurt me.” My jaw ticks as she rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, because he’s a real stand-up fucking guy.” I regret my choice of words the second they’re out. She blinks at me, her lips pursed as she crosses her arms. Grumbling, I scrub my hands over my face. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I get it, but you don’t have to worry. Brenden is coming with us.”

“Brenden? Who the hell is that?”

It hadn’t been my intention for my tone to come out accusing and harsh, but what the hell? I’ve never heard her mention this guy before. Why is he the one who gets to be there for her?

“Lizzy’s friend.” She smirks, lifting her eyebrows.

As the tension melts away, I scoff. Closing the gap between us, I wrap my arms around her, tightening like a boa constrictor.

“So, what makes this Brenden guy more qualified to protect you than me?”

“He’s…” Her eyes drift down to my lips as her words trail off.

“He’s what, Jules? Stronger, braver?”

She laughs, shaking her head as she averts her eyes.

“No… He’s not you.”

My heart drops as her words sink in, my grip on her loosening.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t realize you have such an aversion to my company.”

“What?” she gasps, her gaze locking with mine again. “No, that’s not what I mean.”

She places both of her palms on my chest, and my arms settle around her waist. “He’s not you, and that’s a good thing because I can’t handle feeling all of this when I’m dealing with all of that. Because this—you and me—scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I can do it—believe in you and trust in us.”

Her voice is weak and her eyes wet, reflecting the war being waged inside her. She wants to be with me as badly as I want her, but she’s letting her fears and doubts hold her back. As I pull her closer with one hand, I tuck her hair behind her ear before resting my other hand at the base of her jaw.

“I heard what you said before, about how I hurt you more than anyone ever has. And you’ll never know how sorry I am or how much I hate myself for doing that. But don’t count us out, Jules. Don’t overthink this to the point of talking yourself out of it.”

“I know you think you want this…that you want me, but—”

Her thought is cut off when my mouth covers hers. It’s not exactly how I wanted our first kiss to go, but I couldn’t stomach listening to her excuses or made up reasons why we can’t be together. Kissing her seemed like the best way to make her stop—to show her we belong together. She quickly melts into me, her arms circling around me and body going flush with mine, dissolving any second thoughts I was having about my choice.

When I run my tongue across her soft lips, they part, and she lets out a soft moan as I slide it inside. Her mouth tastes like wintergreen mint, refreshing like a cool pool on a hot day.

Wanting her to feel it, to know without question this is real and right, I put everything into our kiss—all the years of longing and love.

Her hands paw at my back, latching on to me as if this kiss is her lifeline—as if I’m her lifeline. Nothing else matters in this moment. Who we are, where we are, our past, our future—it’s all lost in this free fall of ecstasy.

With reluctance, I break our kiss, both of us panting as I rest my forehead on hers. When I catch my breath, I lift my head and open my eyes, snapping a picture of her with my mind. I never want to forget this moment or the way she looks right now—her eyes closed, cheeks heated, lips plump.

“Hey, open your eyes,” I plead, caressing her cheek with my thumb.

She takes a deep breath before obliging my request, and the overwhelming emotion behind her stare nearly brings me to my knees.

“Stop thinking and just feel, Jules. You can’t find the truth in my words and actions alone. You have to feel it. Could you feel it?”

She nods as tears stream down her face. Attempting to wipe away her tears, my chest tightens with panic as she pulls out of my arms.

“Jules?”

Her head falls as she sighs, and she turns away from me. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

I freeze, watching in horror as she walks away.

Had I pushed things too far too fast and lost her?