AMENDS

April 21st

After checking the time, I look around the park for Cara. My knee nervously bounces as I watch mothers and children come and go from my bench—none of them her. If it weren’t for the possibility of getting to see my son today, I wouldn’t be here.

The last thing I feel like doing is playing into any more of her games, but if there’s even a chance she’s the mother of my child, my hands are tied. She even has me lying to Jules now, which makes me sick to my stomach. Julianna looked me right in the eyes when she asked me what I was doing today, and I lied right to her face because I don’t want to worry her with any of this until I have all the facts. If she knew Cara has been threatening to keep my kid away from me unless I break things off with her, she’d throw herself on the sword for me. There’s no way in hell I’m losing her. I’ll find a way to make all of this work.

Cara’s dark hair catches my eye and my pulse starts to race, defeat gripping my heart when I realize she’s alone. My body stiffens and my fists curl as I lock my glare on her, my emotions going in several different directions as she gets closer. The rage heating my veins is cooled by the sorrow I’m feeling, and I know blowing up on her now won’t do me any good.

“I thought you were bringing him with you today.” I keep my tone even and eyes forward as she takes a seat next to me.

“He’s here.” My heart stutters as my head jerks in her direction, eyes widening as she turns to meet my stare. “A friend of mine is playing with him. If you still want to see him after we talk, I promise I’ll let you meet him.”

My nostrils flare as I shake my head in disbelief. “What could we possibly need to talk about that would change my mind about wanting to see my kid?”

Averting her eyes, she shifts her body forward, leaning back on the bench as she crosses her arms. Taking a deep breath, I do the same, trying to follow her line of sight in hopes it’ll lead me to my son. The playground is covered in kids, but none of them have any recognizable features or seem to be looking at Cara.

“I was very angry and wounded when our marriage ended,” she divulges, catching me off-guard. “Knowing you never loved me, that you loved someone else when you promised to love and cherish me forever…”

Guilt punches me in the gut as my eyes shift over to her then back, words failing me as I try to catch my breath. Marrying Cara the way I did was wrong. Though I had every intention of building a life with her and moving on, I married her knowing I’d never love her. At least not in the way I love Julianna.

“I know I’ve said it before, but I truly am sorry, Cara. It was never my intention to hurt you, but I realize my poor choices impacted you too. If I could change the way everything went down, I would.”

When I’m met with silence, I look over and find her nodding. “I know. Me too. My hatred for you has consumed me for so long, I wanted to hurt you the way you had me. That’s why I told you I had an abortion, and it’s why I agreed to help him break the two of you up.”

As her words slowly sink in, my head begins to throb. The air around me seems to thicken as I run my hands through my hair. “What are you talking about?”

She turns to meet my glare, her eyes watering and lips curving into a frown as her chin quivers. “Julianna’s husband.” A stray tear trails down each of her cheeks. “He offered to pay me if I aided him in getting her back. It seemed like a good idea at the time, getting paid to get my revenge.”

My body sways, making me thankful I’m sitting down. Nothing seems real as my brain tries to absorb what she’s telling me, everything around me fading into a distant background.

“So, you decided to tell me about my son as part of some kind of revenge plot you concocted with Christopher?”

“Not exactly,” she sniffs, wiping away another tear with her shaky hand. “He’s not your son.”

She gasps, her body jumping as I leap to my feet. My pulse races as adrenaline courses through my veins, and I gape at her. “What the hell are you talking about?” I shout, startling her again.

Her eyes narrow before she looks around us, then back at me. “You’re drawing attention. Will you please sit down and lower your voice?”

Throwing my hands up in the air, I scoff, ready to explode until I catch a concerned mother studying me. With a huff, I sit back down and rub my hands over my face before making eye contact with her again.

“I had an affair while we were married. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to leave you. I thought I could start over with this other guy, that he might actually love me, but as soon as he found out I was pregnant, he bailed.”

If I didn’t think she was the worst human being on earth right now, I might even feel sorry for her. The hurt and desperation in her tone is deafening.

“How can you be so sure he’s not mine?” I ask, unsure whether I’m holding on to hope he’s mine or needing confirmation he’s not.

“We stopped sleeping together at least a month before I got pregnant, Eric.”

My body collapses onto the bench as I let out a harsh breath and attempt to adjust to this new reality. I’ve been carrying around her lie for all these years, blaming and hating myself because I believed she had aborted our baby out of spite. But she never ended her pregnancy, and she was never even pregnant with my baby.

After believing I was a father for the past couple weeks, I don’t know how to feel. I’m numb as relief and disappointment struggle to dominate me. And knowing Christopher was at the helm of all this makes me fearful for Julianna. It’s no secret the guy is a jerk, but this was callus and cruel. Makes me wonder what other lengths he has gone to or will go to in order to keep us apart and win her back.

“So, why are you coming clean now?”

“I haven’t done much right in my life. Lord knows I haven’t been a very good person. But being a good mother is important to me. My son is the first and only person to ever love me unconditionally. I want to do right by him. If I went through with this—brought him into this lie—he’d get hurt in the crossfire, and I couldn’t go through with it. I want to be the kind of person he sees when he looks at me, the kind he can look up to. That means instead of seeking revenge, I should be making amends. That’s why I’m doing this. I just hope it’s not too late.”

A part of me wants to tell her to go to hell, but deep down, I know I need to make amends too, and I can’t help admiring the fact that she put her kid above everything else.

“It’s not. You did the right thing, and that’s what matters. Do you know if Christopher has anything else planned?”

“No, but he’s bad news.”

“Yeah, I’m getting that.”

“I’m really sorry.” The sincerity in her tone reflects in her gaze as she looks at me, and I literally feel lighter as forgiveness fills my heart.

“I know. I suppose I had some of this coming,” I digress, giving her a half smile and a one shoulder shrug. “Look, I need to find Julianna to tell her what’s going on, but if he bothers you—”

“Thank you,” she interjects. “But I can handle him.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Smirking, I stand and look down at her. She tilts her head up to give me a sad smile, and it’s like I’m seeing her for the first time. Maybe it was motherhood that changed her, or maybe she was always more fragile than I thought—just a girl looking for love. Perhaps, I’d been her Christopher, never really seeing her. The thought makes me feel even worse about the promise I’d made in vain to love her, but I’m also grateful we’ve had this chance to mend things between us. The revised ending to this chapter is much better, and we can both move on without the weight of our past holding us down. “Take care, Cara.”

“You too, Eric.” She nods.

After hesitating for another brief second, I lift my hand with a quick wave of goodbye, then turn to leave. Once I’m a few feet away, I hear a young boy calling out for his mother and pause to look back. The boy runs over to Cara as she gets up from the bench, and she smiles brightly at him as he runs into her arms. My chest tightens as I watch the two of them, and I realize how badly I want to be a father, but instead of feeling a loss of what could have been, I’m hopeful for what my life can be.

Julianna’s cellphone went straight to voicemail every time I tried to call on my way home. It’s not a big deal, there could be a number of explanations, but I couldn’t shake the gut feeling something wasn’t right. My mind wandered through the worst-case scenarios, like her avoiding me because I lied or Christopher had done something to her. By the time I arrive at my studio, I’d worked myself into a panic.

“Red!” I yell, storming in the door. Hating the frantic state I’m in, my eyes dart around the room, looking for her. Right as I open my mouth to call for her again, she comes into view and I rush over to her.

“Eric? What’s going on?”

“Have you talked to Julianna recently?”

“No…” she drawls, her head tilting as her narrowed eyes regard me with curiosity. “She’s probably on a plane right now.”

“A plane? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh lord, she didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what? What’s going on?”

“She found out the other day Christopher didn’t sign the divorce papers. He’s trying to hold out to get the court to require counseling. She went up there to convince him to sign.”

My heart sinks and I feel sick to my stomach. This is the other piece of Christopher’s plan to get Julianna back, and it’s working. I’ve been so distracted by Cara and determined to keep Julianna out of it, she didn’t think she could come to me about this. Now, she’s going up there without a clue about what he’s been up to. There’s no telling what he might do or say once she’s back in Pennsylvania.