CAN’T GO BACK

March 5th

My stomach drops when I see him walk out her door. It’s that going down a steep hill on a roller coaster kind of drop that takes your fucking breath away. I draw in greedy breaths as I try to wrap my mind around what I’m seeing. Then, he kisses her, and the ground under my feet shifts, nearly bringing me to my knees. My head spins as I gape at him through my blurred vision, my blood feeling more like lava in my veins with each step he takes in my direction.

His smug gaze lands on me as he clears the last step of the staircase, a smile breaking out across his face. Laughing, he struts over to me, and my fists curl. Standing tall, I cross my arms and square my shoulders. This fucker has been trying to intimidate me since the first time we met, and it’s never worked. Right now, though, it feels like he has the upper hand.

Why is he here? How could she let him back into her life after everything she told me? Why wouldn’t she tell me he was here?

Things have been off between us since Cara’s surprise appearance, but I didn’t think they were this bad or that she’d do something like this. She can’t go back to him; I won’t survive it.

“Eric!” he chirps, stopping in front of me. “You’re just the man I wanted to see. I’m not sure what you did, but thank you. It feels good to finally have my wife back.”

My jaw ticks as I grind my teeth and swallow the bile in my mouth. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.

“You’re fucking delusional,” I seethe. “She doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

“No?” He raises his eyebrows as he rubs the back of his neck, his lips perched with condescension. “Well, I’ve been here all night, and she’s already asked me to stay tonight. While, I’m guessing, you haven’t heard from her.”

He’d been here all night? What the fuck? My eyes scan over him and my chest tightens. His disheveled appearance and five o’clock shadow seem to back up his claim. She wouldn’t lie to me like that, would she?

She told me she was going over to Lizzy’s for some girl time, but she hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts all night, and her phone has been going straight to voicemail all morning.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing, but there’s no way you stayed here all night, nor that she wants you here now.”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “Man, she really did a number on you, huh? I almost feel sorry for you. She clearly had you believing you actually had a chance with her, but she’s my girl. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before trying to move in on someone’s wife.”

“She’s not yours. You lost the privilege when you decided to screw other women.”

His nostrils flare as the snarky smile on his face falls. “That’s between me and my wife. She forgave me because she knows where my heart lies. She may have felt the need to teach me a lesson by messing around with you, but that’s over now. She’s forgiven me.”

“No. There’s no way.” My balled fists drop to my sides as I take a threatening step toward him.

“Well, I’d tell you to go up there and ask her yourself, but she’s resting. Apparently, she’s all tuckered out from the long night.”

My entire body buzzes with rage as he waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Telling myself what he’s implying isn’t true—it can’t be true—I take a deep breath, but it doesn’t keep me from seeing red. Without pausing to think or even fully realizing what I’m doing, I uppercut my right fist, then swing my left, popping him in the eye.

My chest heaves as I wait for him to retaliate, lifting my fists in a defensive stance as he slowly stands upright and sets his stare on me.

Blood drips from his busted lip, and his eye is already a little swollen. His tongue darts out to swipe along his mouth, then the little bastard smiles as he adjusts his clothes and runs his hand through his hair.

“Wow,” he mocks, shaking his head. “You’re making this way too easy for me. So, thank you for that. I’m pretty sure this will seal the deal.”

My arms drop back to my sides as my mouth hangs open, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world as I watch him breeze over to his car. He’s right. I’d let him get to me and royally fucked shit up for myself.

Once he’s out of the parking lot, my gaze flickers to Julianna’s door, then down to my sore hands, and I sigh, knowing I can’t face her right now with how high my emotions are.

My gut is telling me I’d been played by Christopher, but there’s still some undeniable facts gnawing at me. Fact: he was in her apartment when I arrived. Fact: he kissed her and she allowed it. Fact: she’d avoided me all night long.

My head swirls with confusion and insecurity as I climb back into my car, uncertainty weighing on my chest like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want to believe that she’d go back to him, but what if she’s still running from whatever sent her into his arms in the first place? The way she completely shut down when I tried to get her to open up to me certainly makes it seem as if she’s still trying to escape the demons lurking in her past.

Slamming the door to my apartment, I rush over to the cabinet where I keep a bottle of Maker’s Mark and pull it out. After my downward spiral a few years back, I stopped drinking heavy liquor except on special occasions. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I don’t like the person I become when I’m drinking.

Right now, though, with the imagine of Christopher kissing Julianna playing on a loop in my mind and my knuckles swelling, I couldn’t care less. My entire body is tied up in knots, terrified I’m about to lose her again. Only…this time is worse. Now, I know what it is to really have her—to hold her, to kiss her, to feel her body pressed into mine.

Holding the small glass tumbler up, I examine the amber liquor and sigh. First, I hit Christopher, and now, I’m contemplating drinking my sorrows away. He’s right. I’m making this way too easy for him. He’d been trying to push my buttons, and I let him win.

“You’re such an idiot,” I mumble to myself as I pour my drink out.

Using more force than necessary, I throw my glass into the sink, causing it to shatter. A stream of curse words come flying out of my mouth as I walk into the living room, kicking over a chair on my way.

My door swings open, and I jump, ready to ward off any unwanted guest as I turn. But it’s Levi I find standing in my doorway, wide-eyed and breathing as if he’d been running.

“What the fuck, Levi?” I hiss, throwing up my hands.

“I was about to ask you the same thing.” He looks around my apartment, eyeing the chair laying on its back in the kitchen before shutting my door. “What the hell is going on in here? I thought you were up here fighting with someone.”

“Only myself.” Sitting on the edge of the couch, I rest my elbows on my knees before burying my head in my hands.

“Oh yeah? You want to tell me why your knuckles look red and swollen then?”

My head shoots up, and I narrow my eyes at him. “Nope.” Scooting back, I relax into the couch and cross my arms to hide my hands. “Why are you even here?”

Guilt crosses his features as his gaze falls to the floor. Rubbing the back of his neck, he shrugs. “I was looking for Roxy.” His low voice is a dead giveaway that he’s done something wrong. It’s the same tone he always got when he was in trouble as a kid.

“What did you do now?”

His glare lands on me again briefly before he slinks over to the loveseat and plops down. “I don’t know, but she won’t talk to me. She hasn’t taken any of my calls or returned my texts since she left the bar last night.”

“Well, what happened before she left?”

“Some stupid girl said something about Roxy being thirsty,” he sighs, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

“Okay…you’re going to have to explain that one to me. What the hell does that even mean?”

“It’s dumb. She was basically saying Roxy really wants me and I’m not interested. I took up for Roxy and told the girl to get lost, but she still seemed upset. She ran off to the bathroom, then disappeared on me.”

“You’re a dumbass.”

He flips me the bird as I laugh, his shoulders rolling as he cuts his eyes at me.

“Thanks for the confidence boost, big brother,” he sulks.

“You need to go find her and make it right. Knowing Red, she’s at Target spending her entire paycheck on shit she doesn’t really need.”

His eyebrows shoot up as he presses his mouth into a hard line.

“I don’t know how I feel about you knowing my best friend better than me,” he joshes. “Anyway, I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s really going on. I can’t, in good conscience, leave you to take your aggressions out on the furniture. You need to talk it out.”

“You’re a real pain in my ass, you know that?” I crumble, rubbing my forehead.

The truth is, I’m glad he showed up when he did, but I’ll never admit that. It’s much better for me to talk about what happened than breaking shit or getting drunk. Who knows, maybe he’ll even provide some helpful insight.

Wringing the water out of my hair, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Even though I slept much longer than expected, I still feel like I’ve been run over and I don’t look much better. It’s going to take some serious concealer to cover up these dark circles and some Visine to clear up my bloodshot eyes. Apparently, releasing years of repressed feelings takes a lot out of a person.

Hitting the home button on my phone, I check to see if Eric has replied to me yet. After Christopher left this morning, I sent him a text telling him we needed to talk, so I was a little surprised when there was nothing from him when I woke up. Before I got in the shower, I sent another asking if I could come over, but still nothing.

Scrolling through his text from last night, my stomach knots with worry and guilt. He’d sent a couple of flirtatious ones first, and when I hadn’t responded to those, he’d sent some wanting reassurance I was okay. He’s probably upset I ignored his text, but Lizzy and I were in the thick of our conversation. By the time she went to bed, my phone was dead. And, honestly, I needed a moment to process everything.

Determined to get to Eric as soon as possible, I rush to comb my hair, brush my teeth, and throw some clothes on, forgoing the makeup idea altogether. If I don’t talk to him now, I’ll lose my nerve.

My phone rings as I’m putting my shoes on, and my heart jumps into my throat, only to feel the sting of disappointment when I see Roxy’s name on the screen.

“Hey, have you heard from Eric?” I ask, skipping a greeting. I don’t want to be rude, but I have no time for chitchat.

“No, but he’s why I’m calling.”

The worry in her tone sends a chill down my spine.

“Oh God, is he okay?”

“I think so, but I got a really strange text from Levi. Something’s going on. You might want to get over there.”

My heart slams against my ribcage as I come to my feet, nodding as if she can see me.

“I’m leaving right now.”

My heart is beating so fast, I can’t seem to catch my breath. It didn’t help that I practically ran up the stairs to Eric’s apartment at the back of the studio. Taking several deep breaths, I shake out my trembling hands as if I can rid myself of the nervousness.

I’m not sure what to expect when Eric answers the door—if he opens it at all. He still hasn’t responded to my text and didn’t answer the call I made to him on the way over here.

Just as I lift my fist to knock, it swings open and Eric nearly runs into me.

“Shit!” he shouts, placing a hand over his heart. Inhaling a long breath, his eyes focus on me, then past me as he releases it. The features on his reddening face look almost pained as his gaze lands on me again. “Jules? What you are you doing here?”

“I came to see you. We need to talk. Didn’t you get any of my texts or see I called?”

“Yeah…” He lifts the hand from his chest to rub the thick hair on his chin. “I’ve been a little preoccupied. Sorry.”

His purple, puffy knuckles grab my attention, and my stomach drops as I snatch his hand to get a better look. It’s even worse up close. Gasping, my eyes lock with his, and he pulls his hand away.

“Eric? What happened?”

Shaking his head, he steps back inside his apartment, and I follow behind him, shutting the door. He runs his hands through his hair before turning back to face me, guilt etched on his face.

“Christopher didn’t tell you?”

“Chris? What?” My stomach knots as I shake my head. I’d nearly forgotten all about Christopher’s little surprise visit this morning, but… “How did…?”

“I saw him leaving your apartment this morning,” he grits out, his back stiffening as he crosses his arms.

I take a timid step toward him. “It’s not what you think.”

“So, I didn’t see him leaving your apartment or kissing you goodbye?”

“What? It wasn’t like that. He only wanted to talk,” I explain, taking another step in his direction. He backs up, and my heart sinks.

“That’s not the way he told it.”

“He told it? What do you mean? You talked to him?” My gaze skirts to his knuckles again, and my eyes widen as they meet his angry glare. “Oh God, please tell me you didn’t…whatever he said was a lie, Eric.”

“What about what I saw with my own eyes? Was that a lie too?” he booms, throwing his hands up in the air. “You let that fucker put his lips on you.”

“No,” I insist, shaking my head. “It was a kiss on the cheek. I was only trying to get him to leave.”

“Yeah? So, you didn’t ask him to stay?”

“Stay? Of course not…” my words trail off as I remember I agreed to go to dinner with him. “It’s not like that. He asked me to dinner and I said yes, but—”

“You agreed to have dinner with him? Are you freaking kidding me right now?”

As if on cue, my phone rings, and I know without looking who it is.

“That’s fucking perfect,” Eric sneers. “You better answer it. I wouldn’t want your husband to worry about you.”

“Please stop,” I plead, pulling my phone out of my back pocket. Taking my eyes off him just long enough to decline the call, I shut it off, then slip it back in my pocket.

He tenses up as I move toward him, his shoulders moving animatedly with his heavy breathing, though he keeps his ground. Once I’m directly in front of him, I pry his crossed arms apart then wrap mine around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck and inhaling his scent. When he finally returns my embrace, I begin to cry.

“Damn it. I’m so sorry, Jules.” His arms tighten around me as more tears fall, and he kisses the top of my head. “Please don’t cry. I can’t bear it. I’m sorry. I was acting like an asshole. I just…I didn’t know what to think when I saw him leaving your apartment. Then he made it seem like the two of you had spent the night together, and I…I lost it.”

“He what?” I screech, pulling back so I can see his face. “I would never…”

“I know,” he sighs, cupping a hand on my cheek, then wiping away a stray tear with his thumb. “At least…I should have known, but he was being so damn smug. I can’t believe I let him get to me.”

“Oh God, you really did hit him, didn’t you?”

A sorrowful expression fills his features as he nods, and I press my lips together to keep from laughing. I know it’s not good that Eric hit Christopher. He’s the type of guy who would press charges, especially in this case. But the bastard did deserve it.

“Are you seriously trying not to laugh?” Scratching his head, his shoulders relax and he lets out a long breath. “I was so sure you’d be livid with me. Christopher even said something about making it easier on him to win you back.”

My nose wrinkles with disgust as I adamantly shake my head. “There isn’t anything either of you could ever do that would make me take him back. And though I’m worried he might try to press charges, I’m glad you hit him.”

Eric laughs, pulling me close again. “Well, that’s a relief. I’m so sorry I didn’t have more faith in you. I should’ve trusted what we have.”

Laying my head on his chest, I listen to the beat of his heart and squeeze my arms around him. My own heart begins to beat a little faster knowing I can’t put off telling him everything and saying what I need to say much longer.

Lifting my head, I lean up to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before looking him in the eyes. “It’s okay, Eric. Your doubt is my fault. I haven’t exactly made the best decisions in the past. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Can we sit? There’s a lot I need to tell you.”

“Okay…” Stepping out of my embrace, he takes my hand and leads me over to the sofa, keeping them interlocked as we take a seat. “Go ahead, Jules. You know you can tell me anything.”

The sincerity in his eyes causes a tightness in my chest, and my face tingles from an onset of tears as I nod.

“Okay…first of all, I love you. I mean, I’m in love with you.” Eric’s face lights up as he bites down on his lip, taking my other hand in his and squeezing tightly. He never said anything when his confession of love for me went unreturned, but I know it’s been eating at him. “I’ve loved you even when I didn’t realize it, even when I tried not to, and even when I shouldn’t have. After I began dating Christopher and we started hanging out again, I thought I could handle it. I liked him a lot, and I thought I was finally over you. But it didn’t take long to figure out how wrong I’d been. After that first night, I knew it was you I loved, and that I’d never love him the same way.”

“Then why? Why would you marry him? I all but begged you not to. Did it have something to do with the comment you made about running away?”

Nodding, I lick my dry lips and swallow the golf ball in my throat. “I’m going to explain all of that, but promise me you’ll let me get everything out before you say anything, okay? If you interrupt me, I might lose my nerve, and you need to hear it all.”

His forehead creases with concern as the corners of his lips curve into a slight frown, but he nods in agreement.

It’s not until my head starts spinning that I realize I’m holding my breath. Pulling my sweaty hands from his, I allow it to rush out of me before greedily drawing in fresh air.

“My freshman year in college,” I begin, my eyes falling to my lap as I continue to rub my palms on my legs, “I was sexually assaulted.”

Eric sucks in a harsh breath, grabbing ahold of my hands again, and I lose the battle with my tears as my eyes momentarily connect with his.

“The stupid part is, I had a crush on him…Jim.” His name sours on my tongue like spoiled milk and I cringe. “He invited me to his graduation party, and I wanted to go, afraid it might be my last chance to see him. I didn’t know him very well, we only had the one class together, but he seemed like a decent guy. I shouldn’t have gone there alone or had so much to drink. I should have…”

I shake my head, trying to clear the memories flooding in. I’ve relived that night over and over again in my head, but recounting what happened for Lizzy last night was so painful, I don’t want to go back there again—especially not with Eric.

But if I want to move forward in my life, and with him, I must face what happened that night.

“By the time he started making his move, I was so drunk, it was a struggle to even sit up right. I tried to stop him, to tell him no, but he was so much stronger than me, and I couldn’t even see straight. When I told him I was a virgin, it only seemed to excite him more. There was this point where I knew nothing was going to stop him—that he was going to rape me, and I quit fighting. I gave up. It was like something in me broke, and I shut down. I laid there pretending it wasn’t happening, and I never stop pretending. I couldn’t process any of it.”

“The guy at the bar?”

Nodding, I lift my eyes. Tears cascade down my face as my chin quivers, and he releases my hands to reach behind him for the box of tissues, then hands them to me. After taking two from the box, I attempt to dry my face and my runny nose, but there’s no use. “And you never told anyone?”

“No,” I answer in a whispered breath, averting my eyes again as I grab another tissue and wipe my eyes. “I was so ashamed, I blamed myself for what happened. Truthfully, a part of me still feels that way. I couldn’t stand the thought of everyone knowing what happened to me. I didn’t want to be the girl who was raped—or worse, the girl who cried rape. I know how these things go. There would’ve been accusatory questions about what I was wearing, how much I had to drink, and what signals I had given off, followed by the obligatory, ‘are you sure you said no’ line of questioning. It wasn’t something I could handle, but I couldn’t deal with staying quiet either. I lived in constant fear, always looking over my shoulder. The idea of seeing him again terrified me. He haunted my dreams, and I worried he might do it again.”

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Jules.” He urges my head up with the back of his hand until our eyes meet. “Any part of you that’s still doubting where the fault lies, it’s on him. It doesn’t matter how drunk you were or if you’d been throwing yourself at him all night, that fact that you said no is all that counts. In my opinion, even if you hadn’t said no, he never should have touched you in that condition.”

My face heats as the memory of me practically begging Eric to sleep with me flashes in my mind. I’d gotten completely smashed after running into Jim, and I can only recall pieces of that night. But the image of me trying to pull him into his bed with me and him walking away remains crystal clear. Finally realizing he turned me down that night because I was drunk and upset, not because he didn’t want me, makes my heart swell with love. I’m not sure how such an incredible guy could want me. I’m insanely lucky.

“So, that night you were drunk and crying, was that because of him?” he asks, as if reading my mind, and I nod.

“Yeah, I saw him at the hockey game and he made some backhanded comment about that night. He acted like the worst night of my life was no big deal, like we’d been two drunk college kids who hooked up for a one night stand. My life had been spiraling out of control, and he was living his completely unatoned—as if his actions hadn’t shattered my world. And that made me feel even worse. I lost it. I’m so sorry. I’m so mortified by my behavior that night.”

“Hey, you don’t have anything to apologize for. I wish you’d felt like you could have told me all of this then, but I get it. Everything kind of makes sense now, except…why would Christopher marry you knowing how much you were suffering? Didn’t he care? How could he take advantage of the situation like that? You needed help coping with what happened, and he only enabled you.”

Biting my bottom lip, I shake my head. “He didn’t know. I never told him, or anyone for that matter, until last night when I told Lizzy, and now I’m telling you.”

“God, Jules…you’ve gone all these years carrying this around? Why now? What changed?”

“Jim was murdered. According to the news, it was brutal. The police think it may have been someone he knew, and I think it was someone else he assaulted.”

“Shit, I guess that saves me some jail time,” he jokes, and I smile. “So, is this about feeling safe enough to tell then? Have you been living in fear all this time too?”

“Yes and no. I never stopped fearing him, but I never told anyone because telling meant accepting what happened and I wasn’t ready until now. I want to move on with my life. I’ve finally realized all the additional pain and suffering I’ve caused by trying to run away from everything, ignoring it as if it never happened. My choice didn’t only hurt me. I hurt you, Chris, and Cara. And I can’t help feeling partially responsible for any girl he harmed after me.”

“No! None of that is on you. Cara and I made our own bad choices, and if Christopher cared about you the way he should have, he would’ve known something was wrong. As for anyone else that monster hurt, he’s the only one accountable. You were victimized. You’re not to blame.”

“I know you’re right. If I were in your shoes, I’d be saying the same thing, but it’s different when it’s you. I’m going to work on it, though. Lizzy gave me the info for her therapist, and I’m going to call her first thing Monday morning to set up an appointment.”

“That’s great, Jules.” With a warm smile on his lips, he pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. “Thank you for trusting me enough to share your story with me.”

“Thank you for loving me. I love you, Eric.”

His hands move to my shoulders, pushing us apart again until I’m at arm’s length, his loving glare stripping me bare. “Loving you is a privilege, Jules. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll love you tomorrow. That isn’t going to change, okay?”

My heart feels too large for my chest as I nod in understanding, tears of joy falling this time as he brings me close again.