The flowers in my hand were wilting quickly as I wait for Kylie by the door of the warehouse. It was a cheesy move, I knew that. But she had never had a boyfriend, let alone a person to buy her flowers and expensive dinners. I was almost excited to be her first.
I watched as her taxi pulled up, running to catch the door while she paid the driver. She pulled off her sunglasses as she looked at me. It wasn’t exactly what I expected. Instead of running to my arms, she pushed away from me, ignoring me completely. Something was wrong. Something happened between when she wrote the sweet, funny note along with her panties and now.
Without glancing back, she said, “I need to speak to you now.”
“Can it wait? I got you flowers and a gift. It’s in your dressing room.” I knew I was pandering, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had never really dealt with a girl who was mad at me outside my stepmom.
She continued walking, heading towards the dressing room. A few members of the crew said hello to her, but I didn’t hear if she responded. She flew through the set, not even looking up to see a soft, sweet bedroom scene almost a mirror image to what had happened last night. I thought that she would love that.
I shut the door of her dressing room behind me, placing the flowers down on the vanity and then walking towards her. Her back was facing the far wall, her arms tightly crossed, but I pulled her to face me, yanking her free of whatever was upsetting her. I kissed her lips gently, but she didn’t respond. She waited for me to finish, to get her message before stepping back. I was getting defensive as I asked, “What’s going on? Why are you upset?”
“I need you to answer some questions, and I need you to be honest with me.” She sat down on the chair at the vanity. Her eyes stared holes at the top of my forehead as she struggled to look me in the eyes. There was fear there. I could feel that.
I sat down on the small couch I had brought in for her. My hand grabbed the wrapped box, a new laptop I purchased for her just a few hours ago. It was my way of thanking her for last night. I placed it in my lap as I tried to calmly and coolly answer, “Okay. What do you need to ask me?”
“Were you or, I guess, are you a heroin junkie?”
I didn’t even pause. I wanted to be honest with her. “Yes. I mean, I was. I was for a long time, but doing porn and working for a friend of mine got me sober.” This part of my life was something I didn’t share, especially not with her. I didn’t want her to judge me by my past or what I had or hadn’t done. I wanted her to see me for the person I was today.
She sucked in air as she went for round two, “Okay. Does your dad know about your drug use? Does my mom?”
I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer her. Bringing up our parents was totally out of left field. Still, I gave it to her straight. “Dad found me one night. I was behind this bar I used to work for shooting up with some friends. He had used a private detective to find—”
“And were those friends members of a biker gang? Were you in a biker gang?”
“Kylie, that’s rid—”
“Just answer the fucking questions, Will!” She was getting more and more angry as I revealed everything to her. I didn’t want to go on, but I knew I had to. She wouldn’t listen to me until I was out of the dark.
“I rode with them for awhile. I sold some drugs. I needed the money badly, so I did some things I wasn’t proud of. But I’m not part of that anymore! That’s not who I am or who I want to be. You have got to understand that.”
“Why did you need the money then, Wilder?” I stopped in my tracks. She went from calling me Will to calling me Wilder. Something big was shifting again, this time out of my favor.
My voice slowed as I tried to word my story as best as possible. “When I went to work for Dad, I started using drugs and doing these really dark porn shoots with Daniel. I was messed up, totally and utterly fucked up in the head. One day, I was doing the books when I figured out how to direct the money from dad’s business account to a savings account for me. I took the money, all of it. It was like $400,000. Then, I ran away.”
I looked at her knowing this was a huge shock, but she seemed like she knew everything I was saying before it could come out of my mouth. Still, I pressed on, “I didn’t wanna get caught, so I moved to the city, bought a huge condo with the money and started doing drugs every day and porn to pay for food and stuff. I went through the money quick. When Dad found me, he told me I had to pay him back, but I was broke. I ran away again, this time to the gang. I thought I would do some runs for them and make what I owed back, but it just backfired.”
She stood up, walking towards me. Tears streamed down her red, flushed cheeks. I watched as her hand lifted in an almost slow motion before it came down with a snap against my cheek. “How dare you! You bastard! Do you know what you did to me, to my mom? I spent every day of my life for the past six or seven years paying for your fucking sins.”
I pressed a hand against where she made contact, smoothing out the skin, “Kylie, please. Just listen to me. I’ve been paying my dad back. I thought that money was going to you and your mom.”
“I haven’t seen a dime of it. The last time I spoke to your dad was when he refused to cosign on a student loan for me. He was living in a tiny studio outside some crappy neighborhood. So don’t blame me if I don’t believe a word of what you're saying.”
She walked back towards her bag, grabbing it and the door handle. I leapt to my feet, catching her as she opens it. “Where are you going? You can’t leave.”
“I can leave. It’s like you said…I can stop whenever I want. And I wanna stop now. I want nothing to do with you or your porn business.”
I pushed my back up against the wooden door, listening to it click shut behind me. She stepped away, not wanting to risk touching me. I dropped a bit, my body tired from our argument. I breathed in deeply, searching for an answer, “Kylie, I swear to God, I paid the debt I owed. And not only that, I am supporting him now. I’m getting money to him each and every goddamn week. If it's like you say and your mom or you need support, I promise you, I'll give you every last dime I have if it means keeping you here with me.”
She placed a hand upon her head, running fingers through her temple. “I can’t believe I fell for you. I shouldn’t have. I'm so fucking stupid! When I heard you say you had feelings for me last night, I was even thrilled. But you're just a liar and a manipulator. You wanna throw money and sex at everything, but it solves nothing, you stupid bastard. You’ll still be the reason why I am the way I am. I will never, ever forgive you for that.”
She walked towards me, determined to leave. I held my hands over the doorknob, refusing to let her get a step out. “You can’t leave. The scene is set. I have money in your account for it. It’s binding.”
“Are you kidding me? You really think I would have sex with you?”
“No, I don’t think you would let me touch you right now, but you're forgetting that there are people out there who depend on you to show up to get paid. Look, I’ll give you one hundred percent of the profits from this scene. It’ll make you rich and set you and your mom up for good. Either way, you have to go out there with me.”
She sighed as a small tear trickled down her downcast face. She walked over to the couch and placed her shoes by the coffee table. She reached down and grabbed the hem of the skirt from around her thighs and lifts it over her head, revealing her shivering, shaking body. She looked over her shoulder at me as she quietly said, “This is it, Wilder. This is the last shoot. After we're done, I never wanna see or hear from you again.”
I walked out the door, motioning for the hair and makeup woman to go get her ready. As I got to my own dressing area, I slumped into my chair. Just moments before, I was sitting in this very seat practicing my lines to the mirror, going over the words I wanted to say to her to thank her for being with me last night. She had given me a reason to live, a reason to be more than just some porn star from Vegas. Now, those words seemed cold, lifeless, useless. I couldn’t tell her I wanted to love her, that I wanted an actual relationship with her outside of our business. She had shut that door for good.
My past had finally found me. I wasn’t allowed to run from it anymore. Now, I had one shot, one chance to win her back. With this scene, I was either going to lose her or convince her to stay. I placed my hands upon my knees, pressing deep into the skin as I attempted to center myself. When the air had returned to my body and my mind began to clear, I walked out of the dressing room door and into the bright lights of our set. I was ready.