I watched the metal door to the academic building go flying. The loud sound of metal slamming into brick echoed through the hallway. My head was pounding and I ached. Every bit of me just wanted to curl up in that ball and die.
After a few minutes, I realized I was walking with no direction. Everything had been spinning so quickly around me in a daze of green trees, brown buildings, and gray pavement that I hadn’t had a moment to just acclimate myself to what was going on or where I was heading. By the time I noticed, I was already at the other end of campus. The sun was setting just behind me as at least, I told myself, the end of this horrible day was drawing near.
I wanted nothing more than to curl up in my bed and hide under the covers until everything went away. I turned around and slowly headed back to my dorm room as I watched students who looked and acted just like me headed cheerfully in and out of the buildings, books in their hands, notes tucked in their book bags. All I had ever wanted was to be one of them, to feel like I had a part of this community. And now that I was here and that I was finally feeling like one of them, it was getting taken away from me.
The door to my room is opened and I saw my roommate, Lana, sitting on the floor, chatting with some unknown guy. I dropped my bag at the entrance of the room unsure of what to do or say. With one look at me and my red eyes and frazzled hair, Lana was ushering the guy out the door as he protested. Obviously, he wasn’t planning on cutting this day off so quickly.
“Kylie?” She shut the door behind her and placed her hands on my sunken shoulders. “What’s going on? Did something happen to you?”
I nodded my head as I let out a choked back sigh. I could feel everything ready to pour out of me as it built and built. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t breath. The spinning was back. All I knew was that I was free falling and Lana was shouting something totally incoherent at me. I tried to focus on her face and her voice as she was suddenly standing or kneeling over me, shouting out, “Breathe! Kylie!”
I remembered what I needed to do and I took a few sucks in. The motion helped me situate myself as my hand gripped at the purple fuzzy area rug on our floor. How did I get here? It was dark, as well. Our corner lamp was turned on and the windows were closed.
Lana had a wet towel in her hand and she was dabbing it over my forehead as she continued to command me, “Breathe. Just breathe. It’s going to be okay. This is just a little panic attack.”
I listened to her soothe me as I remembered everything, every detail – Wilder’s face when I told him we were through, the counselor checking me out as he told me what a disgrace I was, me being tortured and whipped as the camera shot my red and white body. Every emotion vacated my body as something new appeared: anger. I sat up slowly and, without a word to Lana, I crawled myself towards our mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle of vodka.
“Kylie!” She shrieked in shock as I swung back the cold, stiff drink. “What the hell are you doing? You just had a panic attack, and you’ve got class in like thirty minutes!”
I took another long drink, letting the heat of it wash over me before I replied, “I don’t have class. They kicked me out.”
“They kicked you out? You? C’mon. You’re bullshitting me.”
I didn’t blame Lana for not believing me. I couldn’t think of a less deserving person than me. “Nope. No bullshit. Good ol’ reliable Kylie. Kylie the Straight A Student. Kylie the Brainiac. Kylie the Teacher’s Pet. Kylie the Wuss. Out of everyone in this school, I get kicked out for being in a few pornos.” I watched her face as it completely dropped. I let it slip. For the last few months that I had been working in front of the camera, I hadn’t let anyone in on my double life. Now I was going to have to deal with her judgment, as well.
She shook her head and then stared back at me. It was like every lie, every late night, every excuse I had given her was adding up in her head as she evaluated it all. Finally, she lowered her voice and said, “Kylie, why didn’t you tell me?” Her eyebrows peaked as I was about to answer, “Because that is so incredibly awesome!”
“What?” I was dumbfounded.
“I mean, I thought there was a wild creature somewhere in you, but not like…a porn star. And when I saw that guy you're with, I thought he looked good enough to be in those kinds of things, but I didn’t want to say it. This, like, changes everything.”
“Yeah, it does, Lana. It changes everything because it got me kicked out of school for good! Mr. Iverly found out and dismissed me from the university. I’m only allowed to stay to sit for finals and then I’m out. And I only did the porn to pay for school and Daniel back for that night when I ruined bottle service!” I drank again, hoping to forget.
Lana took the bottle from me, drinking a bit herself. After a few beats, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and stood up. She pulled out a few things from her dresser drawers and tossed them my way. I fumbled with the pink and white lace frill lingerie as she jovially shouted, “Well, there’s only one thing we can do! Celebrate!”
“Celebrate?” I tossed the panties and bra back her way. “You’ve got to be out of your mind. I just want to drink ‘til I’m a puddle of vodka, Lana. Last thing I want to do is go to a club with you and your friends.”
“We’re not going to a club. We’re going to a mansion. And we’re going to drink for free, meet some guys, and celebrate your freedom.” She grabbed my hands and lifted me to standing. Her arms hooked around my t-shirt and pulled it off of me, tossing it on the floor. She took one look at me, sizing me up, before saying, “It’s a lingerie party so you’ll need something, well, not you. I think I’ve got just the thing, though.”
She went back into the drawer and pulled out a white silk bustier and a pair of matching garter and stockings with white lace. “I think this will fit, though you’re skinnier than me and have much bigger boobs.” She winked, “Lucky.”
“Please, Lana. If I were the least bit desirable, I’d have a real boyfriend or at least a ton of guys after me like you.” My words were a mistake –I instantly conjured up images of Wilder taking me out on our romantic dinner date and him whispering that he cared for me. My stomach turned as I slipped the tight, structured material over my chest and down to my hips. I rolled up the stockings and clipped the garter belt to the bustier.
Lana threw me a pair of silver heels, and we wobbled out the door, Lana in her pink bra and panties and me more exposed than I had ever felt before. Walking out in public like this was a totally different sensation than baring it all during a porn shoot. I wanted to grab a robe or a coat or something. But with each step in these awkward heels, each glance at the rearview mirror by the cab driver, each sip of the flask Lana snuck into the car, each application of lip gloss and eyeliner was making me feel like I really was this girl. I really was Kylie the sex bomb.
By the time we reached the party, I was flying. The alcohol was catching up to me as I teetered between complete sugar high and totally out of it. The mansion with its ornate pillars, tuxedoed staff, and foreboding rooms were something more akin to a Vegas mirage than real life. Lana led me by the hand to the pool where most of the guests were lingering. She ran to grab us drinks from the tiki bar while I stood off to the side, taking in the sights of the women in their panties rubbing up against men with tattooed and tanned bodies to the beat of the music.
Everyone seemed to know exactly what to do at these kinds of parties, except for me. Even though I was feeling free with the booze flowing through me, I still couldn’t think of how to just jump in. I knew I was looking completely nuts as I stood by the DJ booth, twirling the strands of hair with my fingers, using it as a way to cover up my naked skin.
I felt a rough tap on my shoulders as a large hand spun me around to face them. The guy’s beady black eyes leered at me as he smiled crookedly. His hand traveled down my shoulder to my arm, holding me in place, as he shouted at me over the sound of the techno music, “Hey! I know youse.”
I looked at him, trying to place him from a class or maybe at the bar I used to work at. But he looked totally foreign to me. I shouted back, taking a step towards the wall, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I know you, though.”
He wasn’t moving. He was just staring at me with his toothy grin and his wrinkled face. I had been drinking, but he had been doing a lot more. Even in the dark and under the neon light beams, I could see the scratch marks. Unlike the ones I saw on Wilder, his were more red and deeper. Every red flag was flying. My eyes darted back towards the tiki bar, hoping Lana was in calling distance, but she was covered by the sea of bodies waiting for their drinks.
“No, no. I know youse. I know youse real well,” The way he said it made it click for me. There was only one way a guy like him would know who I am. He lifted his arm over my head, pinning me in. His head turned as he ushered for another shirtless guy to join him. “Tommy! Tommy! Ya know who dis girl is? I bet ya do, ya sick bastid!”
The man stood next to him and peered at me as if I was an exotic animal they’re trying to name. Finally, a glimmer of recognition as he, too, smiled widely. “You’re the girl from those movies. The Wilder Girl! I saw your shot with Julie the other day.” He touched his heart almost tenderly as he exclaimed, “Damn! I was never so turned on my life, especially when Wilder appears out of nowhere and fucks you hard. Jesus.”
No one had recognized me before and, by how he's staring at me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted someone like him knowing me like that. Still, I asked him cautiously, unsure how to approach this. “How do you know Julie and Wilder?” I was sure huge fans can name porn stars, especially if it was their favorite, but knowing people by the first name just seemed wrong to me.
“Let’s just say we’re financiers. We know quality art when we see it. We provide the money, your team provides the tits and the ass.”
His hand began to stroke my shoulder and collarbone, dipping lower as he goes. Both were licking their lips at me. I was their meal; I could feel it. I squirmed away as Lana appeared with a guy from the bar. I shouted back at them as I stumbled towards her, “It was good to meet you guys! Have a great night.” I took Lana’s arm and led her back in the direction of the house. Her boy toy was still trailing us, trying to keep up. “Lana, I don’t think I can do this. Those guys recognized me…from the shoots.”
Lana turned, handed me the drink, and waited until I took a sip. I did one better: I gulped the pink liquid down in one throw. “I don’t understand what the problem is. If they recognize you, the more they want you. Play around! Live a little! That’s what this is supposed to be about. You, your freedom, and loads of hot guys ready to give you anything you want!” She snapped her fingers and the man appeared by her side. He looked at her with longing eyes as she commanded him, “Can you be a dear and get my friend another one of whatever these are? I’d be ever so grateful.”
With a lick of his lips, I could tell he was hooked. Fantasies were playing in his head. This was a dream scenario for him. If I had asked him for his credit card number and a key to his house, he would have delivered it to us on a silver platter if it would get him closer to a three way with the two of us.
Lana laughed as he stomped off. “Poor guy. He’s not getting anything but a bar tab from me.” She held her nose as her voice changed to nasal, “Too much cologne. It’s deadly.”
By the time he returned, I was starting to get back into my element. The music had changed to something that I actually wanted to dance to as I headed back to the pool. The two guys from earlier spotted me almost instantly, gesturing to me with the rest of their group of guys. I said the hell with it as I winked their way and pouted my lips.
The ringleader floated my way, handing his shirt to one of his underlings. “You look like you need someone to dance with.” He had a soft southern drawl. I had to admit, it was pretty hot. He wasn’t exactly my type with a bald head and black tattoos all over his shoulders and chest, but I didn’t need something my type. Just something good.
He took me by the hips, pulling me close to him. I could feel his hands run up my spine, underneath the lace and latex of my bustier. Finally, they rested on the curve of my ass, a finger slipping between the fabric of my panties. I leaned back and moaned a bit as I rested closer to him, our bodies swaying back and forth together. A man approached me with another pink drink and I shot it down again, not even noticing the fiery aftertaste anymore. All I wanted was this man’s hands on my body and the nagging voices in my head to melt away with the music.
After a few more drinks and dances with men from the group, I had completely lost Lana. Actually, I had lost all of my senses. I didn’t know how late it is or how long I had been dancing. I didn’t even know what happened to my purse or my cell. People’s voices all melded together into one as the men whispered into my ears things they wanted to do to me. I just smiled, tilted my head back, and laughed.
The ringleader appeared again, the men all parting around him. He wasn’t dancing, but instead took my hand, leading me back towards the house. I stumbled, laughing each time my heel caught in the cracks of the stone pavement. And he was always there, picking me up by the ass, feeling his way through my clothing, until he finally picked me up from under my legs and carried me into a room off the staircase.
I immediately recognized it as a study. The smell of leather and old books filled my nose as I looked around in awe. It was like a fairytale. I clapped my hands in glee, forgetting where I was or who brought me here. When I spun, he was on me, still swaying with the music from outside.
His deep voice rattled me as he said, “I didn’t get to introduce myself back there. I’m Tommy. And I know you’re Kylie.” He clicked his teeth together as he added, “Do you wanna have some fun Kylie?” He opened his palm for me, revealing a little white pill.
I turned a bit, unsure of what to do. The alcohol was making me unsteady, but I knew better. And my fears only rose when four of the guys from earlier walked in the door, shutting it quietly behind them. I stammered as I twisted to get away from his thick grip, “I’m sorry, Tommy. I don’t do that stuff.”
“Of course you don’t. That’s why I’ve already given it to you.” His smile transformed from playful to devious in less than a second as I attempted to walk backwards towards the door. Before I could reach it, there was another guy on me.
The man took his crystal glass and poured the gold liquid onto my chest. I was frozen in place as I watched him tilt his head and lick and suck the drops and trickles off my prickling skin. When he came back up, kissing my neck and jaw, he exclaimed, “Just as I thought a little whore like you would taste.”
Another man was at my side, grabbing at my hands as things suddenly became darker, less focused. He had my hands in a lock as I felt something like a wire hold my wrists together behind my back. He pushed me down towards a brown leather sofa as another launched on top of me, ripping the cup of my bustier and exposing my breast to them. I felt something sprinkled on me as a man hunched over my waist. He used a rolled up dollar bill to snort whatever it was up his nose.
I was stunned as my body felt heavy, weighted. I wanted to wrestle myself free but my limbs felt like they weighed over two hundred pounds each. And everywhere I looked, a new face appeared smiling, laughing.
A man shouted in the distance as the group dispersed away from me. I turned my head slowly to see them file out of the room, leaving only one standing guard. His back turned for a second and I mustered up every bit of my drooping energy to pull my hands out of the crude wire ties. I could feel the thin metal cut into my hands, leaving trail marks where they sliced and cut. All the while, I was scanning the room, planning my escape. By my estimate, I only had one shot to get this right.
The guy turned back towards me, stepping slowly towards my limp body. I pretended to pass out, leaving my hands halfway covered by a pillow near my head. He sat down at my side and placed his hands on my breast, fondling my nipple. I was doing my best not to cringe or mumble, but his fingers were ice cold and his twisting and massaging was putting me on edge of calling out.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I knew what happened next in this scenario, and it wasn’t going to come true. My hands reached harder as I pretended to moan in ecstasy. His head dipped in towards mine as I felt something cold, hard, metal find my hands. I grabbed for it and in a millisecond, I slammed it into the man’s head. His long brown hair went flying with his head as his neck twisted like a ragdoll from my force. He fell on top of me as I lurched up, his body tumbling down towards the ground.
The young man was covered in the red pools of warm, thick blood trickling from his forehead where the bronze statue connected with the side of his head. I looked down at my white bustier that has been stained with circles of his blood, my hands, too, red and dripping. I wiped them on the pillow, unsure of what the best move was to make here. The man wasn’t moving, and by the way his head was turned, I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. I reached down gingerly to feel at his neck. No beats of life, no air on my wrist.
I killed a man. I couldn’t process it. I killed a man. I killed a man. I killed a man. It repeated over and over again in my head. But I only had a few minutes to think. I knew the others were right behind the door. I could hear them laughing and stomping in the distance. My only chance of an exit was a small window behind the desk. I ran towards it, my heels stepping in blood and leaving trails of my deeds. After struggling to lift the screen up, I managed to slip up and down the side of the wall, the brick siding scratching my hands and legs. At that point, I didn’t even know which blood belonged to me.
I could still hear the party behind me as I rushed towards the driveway and street, ducking behind bushes and hiding behind cars parked in the lot. I felt as if I had run a marathon before I even made it back to the road. It was late, I could tell. Probably only 1 AM, but a taxi was still lingering outside, obviously waiting for the partiers to need him. I limped towards him, opening the door, and launching myself into the backseat.
I took a few breaths as I clung to the leather upholstery. I couldn’t look away from the mansion and I was waiting for any sign that I had been found out. And as the taxi driver asked me where I was going, I heard it. It was a scream in the dark, lights flashing in the mansion’s looming windows, and the sounds of people running towards the door.
I turned back towards the taxi driver and I told him the one place I knew I could go. “I need you to take me to Gable Street. It’s where the industrial warehouses are.”