My parents and I were having dinner in the local pub around the corner from their house in the Calverley neighborhood of Leeds, a quiet village-like suburb not too far from the city.
It was great seeing them, but being back home felt a lot different than I’d expected it to.
Had it always been this cloudy here?
I hadn’t left the US on good terms with Bridget. She’d started avoiding me more than ever after finding out about my interview. And this time, I let her. I avoided her right back. Because it just wasn’t fair to lead her on anymore if I was going to take this job. Her tears were proof that I’d taken things too far.
Making the situation even more difficult was the fact that the interview had gone spectacularly. After an eight-hour day spent touring the facility, the partners of the medical practice unanimously agreed to offer me the position, which would start in two months after my residency in Providence officially ended. They even offered to pay for my moving expenses.
My parents were therefore considering this a celebratory dinner, because they’d assumed I would be taking the job. To anyone looking in from the outside, the decision was a no-brainer. I hadn’t told anyone in my family about Bridget. I kept my recent private life under wraps; my parents didn’t even know I’d been living with her.
My mother took a bite of her fry. “So, once you move back, it’s going to be great for Nan. She’s really missed you. I don’t know how much time she has left,” my mum said.
“I plan to visit her this week before I leave.”
“When can we expect you back here for good?” my father asked.
“Well, I didn’t formally accept the job yet. They gave me until next week.”
My mother seemed surprised. “But surely, it’s a done deal?”
I couldn’t get myself to give Mum the confirmation she wanted. I hadn’t expected them to offer me the job on the spot with an ultimatum. I was still gobsmacked, really. I figured I’d have several weeks to make a decision. But they were looking for an immediate commitment.
My mother further prodded. “Simon…is there something you’re not telling us?”
I didn’t want to spend the next hour lying to my parents, making up excuses for my hesitation when there was only one reason I wasn’t jumping to happily accept my supposed dream job.
Unsure of how to begin, I said, “There’s someone back in the States…um…”
“You’ve met someone?” She looked at my father then back at me. “You haven’t mentioned anything.”
“Well, she’s…someone I’ve gotten to know for quite a while, actually.”
Dad grinned. “Is she in the medical field, too?”
“She’s a nurse, actually.”
“I see.”
My mother leaned in. “Is it serious?”
“Well, technically, we’re not together, I suppose. But it’s…we’ve gotten close.”
“Would she consider a move across the pond?”
Mum could be very judgmental. I hesitated to tell her the whole story, because I knew she would go off on a tangent about Bridget having baggage, not being good enough for her precious son. I really didn’t want to hear all that.
I simply answered, “She can’t.”
“Why not?”
I braced for her reaction. “She has a son.”
My mother grimaced. “You’re seeing someone with a child? She’s divorced?”
“No. Her husband died in a car accident.”
My father nodded. “Sorry to hear.”
She went on with her questions. “How old is this woman?”
“Thirty-four.”
“She’s five years older than you?”
“Four, basically. And that’s not very much at all.”
“You’ve been spending time with this little boy?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re getting out now. You wouldn’t want him getting anymore attached to you.”
My mother’s assumptions were making me a bit defensive.
“He’s a great kid. I’d be lucky if he got attached to me, really.”
“Oh, Simon. Listen to yourself. You can have practically any woman in the world that you want. Your life and your family are here in Leeds. You can’t stay in the US with some woman, not to mention raising another man’s child. Don’t you want children of your own someday? She could be trying to trap you, you know. This woman is pushing thirty-five, she’s hardly—”
“Her name is Bridget. Not ‘this woman.’ Her fucking name is Bridget.” My pulse was going a mile a minute.
Fuck. I can’t remember the last time I swore in front of my parents. It was out of character for me. But my mother was really pissing me off.
“I’m sorry, Mum. Forgive my language.”
My father was much more easy-going. “Clearly, son, this situation is making things complicated for you. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision, and if your dear old Dad’s opinion matters at all to you, for what it’s worth, I think the right decision is to take the job.”
The following night, I met some of my old friends at a bar in London.
It had been a long time since I’d gone out drinking. The flashing lights, the loud music, and the crowd were making me a bit uneasy.
My voice became hoarse from talking too loud. Even though I was enjoying catching up with friends I hadn’t seen in years, I was finding it really difficult to relax.
I couldn’t believe I only had a few days to make a decision. It wasn’t just a matter of a job. I felt like my entire existence was riding on this, like I was at the biggest crossroads of my life. There were two incredibly different paths I could take, and the decision I would make in the next few days would impact me forever.
It was too much to handle. Abruptly saying goodbye to my friends, I left the bar feeling lost. I didn’t want to go back to my parents’ home, didn’t want to talk to them about this anymore, since my mother, in particular, didn’t understand my dilemma.
An hour later, I found myself at Heathrow Airport, boarding a short flight to a place I’d never thought I would have the courage to visit again. Somehow, I knew I needed to be there in order to make this decision.
Calliope’s parents no longer owned the Scotland lake house that we stayed at when Blake’s accident happened. So, I chose a small inn that was the closest in proximity.
Legend had it that this lake had its very own monster, similar to Loch Ness. I tried not to think about that. There were enough bad thoughts associated with it as it was.
Since I had arrived in the wee hours of the morning, I slept a bit at the inn before heading to the lake early to spend some time there. The plan was to fly right back to London early this evening.
I chose a spot off of the loch near the area where I remembered the accident happening.
Sitting at the end of a pier, I looked up at the sky.
“You’re probably wondering what the fuck I’m doing here now. I know I should’ve come a long time ago. I just didn’t have the bollocks to face you, really.”
Taking a deep breath in, I continued, “Anyway, I suspect you can see everything that’s been happening. I often wonder what you would think of me and of my decisions in life, if you’d be proud or if you’d be angry because I’m living life when you can’t.”
Straining to fight the tears in my eyes, I said, “That’s the thing, Blake. Whenever I feel happiness, it’s always bittersweet, because a part of me will always feel like I don’t deserve it. It should have been me or at the very least, I should have stopped us from going out on that boat. If I could change only one thing, it would be that. We could have done something else that night, lit a fire—anything. I would give my life to take that night back. I hope you know that. I love you so much.”
My tears finally fell. The last time I fully sobbed like this was at his funeral.
“I’ve tried to do what I could to live a life you’d be proud of, to take care of people, save people. I couldn’t save you, but I can save someone else in your memory. That’s the best I could come up with.”
After my tears dried, I sat in silence for a while before I resumed talking to him.
“I’m sure you’ve seen Bridget. The one with the best arse. Yeah…her. If you were here, I’d definitely ask for your advice on what to do. The truth is, I know a lot of my hesitation when it comes to her—getting close to her son, ironically, has everything to do with you—my fear of hurting them, like I hurt you. I failed to protect you and I’m sorry. I know I have no right to ask you for guidance, but I do like to think of you as my guardian angel. So, if you can find the time to give me your opinion, that would be brilliant. If not, I can go fuck myself. That’s okay, too. As long as you’re okay, brother—wherever you are. As long as you’re okay…that’s all that matters.”
I stayed at the same spot at the edge of the pier the entire morning. The longer I stayed, the more comfortable I was there. The loch was no longer the scary, murky place I’d remembered. The sun was even trying to peek through the clouds.
At one point, I took out my phone to check if I had any messages. My parents had texted to check in on me. I’d told them where I was going.
I hadn’t heard from Bridget, not that I’d expected to. It dawned on me that yesterday was the day of Brendan’s party. Bridget didn’t post on Facebook much, only when there was an event involving her son.
I checked her page to see if she had posted any photos. Sure enough, there was an entire album of pictures titled Brendan’s 9th Birthday.
Scrolling through, I couldn’t help but smile. There were pictures of Brendan running around with giant water guns with his friends. Bridget had also rented an inflatable slide.
I stopped at a photo of Bridget and Brendan that nearly took my breath away. She was wearing a blue strapless dress that really brought out her eyes. Her caramel-colored hair was straighter than normal. I had never really noticed how deep her dimples were. She and Brendan both looked really happy.
Keeping my focus on the picture, I tried to imagine what it would be like years down the line to have to look at photos like this, what it would feel like to see her inevitably moving on. There was no doubt in my mind that if she put herself out there, that someone would snag her quickly. She hadn’t a clue how attractive she really was.
How would it feel, Simon?
How would it feel to truly walk away from her? From them? Forever.
I couldn’t describe in words how it would feel. But I was experiencing it in my body. That rush of adrenaline and panic. The anger inside of me that always developed when I thought about her with another man.
Then there was Brendan. He deserved someone who wanted to be a father to him—not a big, goofy friend. A father. I didn’t feel good enough for that role. But did I want it?
Stopping for a moment to look up at the sky, I got chills because there was a faint rainbow forming. It hadn’t even rained.
I continued to scroll through the pictures from Brendan’s party, laughing at myself for thinking I was going to somehow find the answer to my dilemma in a Pokémon piñata.
Bridget had really gone all out. She’d even had place settings featuring the names of each boy written on a piece of folded paper with a different Pokémon character next to the name. She’d taken a separate, close-up photo of each one.
It wasn’t until the last name that I realized maybe I was getting my answer in a Pokémon party after all.
BLAKE.