Chapter Two
The ride back to base cleared her head. Well, arguably it left her head more fucked than it had been before, but she wasn’t really keeping score. Parking the bike, she avoided the main hangar and went straight for Chrome’s office. Odd how empty and alien their compound felt. In the last year, she’d made the mistake of making it home.
Chrome leaned against his desk with a drink in his hand when she pushed the door open. His gaze landed on her, and she didn’t bother with her jaunty salute or good Marine greeting. Anger, confusion, grief, rage, and a thousand other emotions vied for her attention and it took everything she had to keep them bottled. “Did you know?”
His eyes narrowed, and he frowned. “Did I know?”
“Did you know he was alive?” Not them. Just him. She could only deal with so much at the moment, and Brad floated right to the top. “I don’t think you would do that to me, sir. You’ve never been that kind of commander. But I need to hear it from you—did you know he was alive? Did you know what they were doing? Did you know he was here this whole past year?”
Setting his drink down, he straightened and his expression went from frowning to foreboding. “No. I would never have kept that a secret from you. Not ever.” Ice frosted his every word. She’d insulted the fuck out of him, but she didn’t care. “Even if it meant my life, I’d have told you he was here. I didn’t know.” Maybe his anger was for them. The chilled rage echoed to the dark place inside her.
“Thank you, sir.” Hearing it didn’t make her feel better, not even a little. But if this cluster fuck taught her anything, it was that she wasn’t sure whom she could trust.
“Copper…”
No, she didn’t want his pity. “I need a mission, sir. An assignment.” Yes. Be somewhere else. Be someone else. “Send me somewhere, send me fucking anywhere.” Anywhere that wasn’t the dream turned nightmare she’d woken up in.
“Fuck no.” He shook his head. “Not when you’re like this. You need to get a handle on this shit, Copper.”
“No shit to handle, sir. I can do my fucking job.” It was the only thing she could do. Copper got crap done. She didn’t lose her mind because a ghost she’d spent years wishing to have back suddenly appeared—only he wasn’t a ghost. He was very much alive. Her body went tight and guilt vied with anger. She’d given up on him. Let him go.
She hadn’t waited.
Hands closed on her shoulders and shook her once. She focused on the commander’s stern gaze. “No, you have shit to handle. I am not sending you out there to get yourself killed, I don’t care who came back from the dead. I have your back. You want to take leave, take it. But no missions…”
Fine. She’d do her own fucking mission.
“If you try, I will tie you up and throw your ass in a cell. Am I clear?” Not a threat. A promise.
“I already have too many men, sir, and I’m really not your type.”
A faint smile creased his lips, and he hugged her. The affection zapped her with a fresh shock.
“No, you’re not, but you are my Marine,” he told her, the ice in his tone thawing. “I have your back. I mean it. If you and Gabriel want to get the fuck out of here, I’ll take care of it.”
Gabriel. God, she needed to talk to him and say…what?
“Thank you.” She extracted herself from the uncomfortable hug. Not because she didn’t appreciate the caring, but because if she stayed any longer she’d begin to crumble. “Sir.”
“I’m not going to ask if you’re all right.” Chrome’s voice remained even—and then the door swung inward and Titanium stood there with his dog. Copper stared at him, violently aware he couldn’t see her.
It was probably a good thing for the commander that she didn’t have a gun. She’d be tempted to shoot him.
“Excuse me.”
“Copper…” Titanium said.
“So much the fuck no. I don’t want to hear what you have to say, sir.” She turned sideways and squeezed out past him. Striding down the hallway, she saw Silver and Poppy. The normally even and reserved secretary wore a devastated frown. Yeah, she’d known. Silver put himself between Copper and Poppy, but Copper merely shook her head. She only had so much room for hate. Poppy was a civilian, dragged into the op.
Outside, she headed for Merc’s place. Her feet knew where she was going before her mind fully acknowledged the destination. Weird to think he even used his house—thankfully it was right next door to hers. The front door opened before she made it all the way up the walk.
Merc’s doc, Hazel, met her with a hug. The embrace wasn’t all that out there for the doctor, but Copper had a hard time returning the affection. She needed to stay focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
“Go on inside. He’s in the living room. I’ll leave you two alone.” She let herself out and closed the door without comment.
Merc was standing by the time Copper stepped into the living room. She had no idea what to say. Her words all died unspoken. All she’d ever wanted was to have Brad back—and now he was back, but all she could focus on was the deceit. Worse—Gabriel needed her, too, and what should she say to him? Sorry, my ex is alive? The thoughts fed one on the other, like a snake swallowing his tail. She couldn’t break free of the vicious cycle.
Without saying a damn thing, John opened his arms, and she stopped pretending. She stopped trying to be strong. She fled into them, crashing to his chest, and the tears slicking her face were hot and burning.
“When you can talk, you just tell me which one of those fuckers you want dead,” John said. Then he held her and let her weep.
She was well and truly drunk when John let Gabriel inside. The bourbon was all but gone, and she’d started on the scotch. Beer was her preferred alcohol, but liquor was quicker. The numbing effect staved off the worst of the rawness in her soul.
“How is she?” Gabriel’s voice drifted over her.
“She’ll survive.” John didn’t sound nearly as drunk as she felt. Then again, he hadn’t been in a competition. “You got this?”
“Yeah,” Gabriel said, circling into her field of vision. A bruise marred his cheek, and she frowned. With care, she traced the blemish and frowned.
“Who hit you?” Her tongue didn’t quite cooperate, but he seemed to get the gist.
“I ran into an elbow.” Was he amused? He found the strangest things funny. His eyes were soft, warm, and full of concern. For her. She got that look from him. He saw right through her masks.
An elbow? “My elbow hurt earlier,” she murmured, then licked her lips. “Then I had more bourbon. Doesn’t hurt anymore.” If only the rawness inside was as easy to soothe.
Gabriel chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you truly drunk.”
“Nope.” Yep, she’d slurred the word. Didn’t matter, he seemed to understand her. He spoke as many languages as she did. More, maybe. The only one he didn’t understand was go away, and she rather liked that about him. “I don’t like being drunk.” Except today. Today she did.
“I’m going to pick you up and take you home now,” he told her. “Don’t pull anything tricky?”
John was still there, watching, waiting. Did he want her to go? Hazel probably wanted John back now. Sachi only got to borrow him from time to time. “Don’t have a home. It’s all going away again.”
Frowning, Gabriel tugged the glass from her nerveless fingers, then set it aside. “You will always have a home, Sachi.”
“Not always.” She stared at him. “You stayed though.”
“I did.” He drew his finger along her cheek then tucked her hair behind an ear. “Tomorrow you’re going to hate yourself for spilling your guts, so let’s save any drunken confessions until you’re sober.” He didn’t give her a chance to respond to that before he picked her up. She was more than capable of walking, but she liked when Gabriel played the take care of her card.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she settled her head to his shoulder. She closed her eyes rather than watching the room move while he walked. John let them out, and the night air was cool against her face. Gabriel’s heart thumped beneath her ear. Lulled by the sound, she stroked her fingers against his neck.
Inside the house, he didn’t bother with lights and carried her all the way to their bedroom. Ours. With efficiency, he set her on her feet then stripped her clothing all the way down to her boots. She landed on the edge of the bed with a thump as he tugged the boots from her feet.
“Homes don’t always stay,” she said, sobering from the numbed bliss.
“No?” He set her boots aside, gathered her clothes, and dropped them in the laundry hamper. Too much of a Marine for a mess, she wouldn’t rest until they were all dealt with, and Gabriel knew her well.
“No, I grew up in foster care.” Saying it aloud carried no onus or specter for her. It simply was. “My mother was a drug addict. I was born addicted to crack.”
Gabriel returned to the bed and nudged her toward the top. Pulling the blankets back, he urged her under them. “Sachi…”
“Don’t. I won’t regret talking drunk. Some of these things, I don’t ever consider telling you because…I don’t know. It’s not me anymore. Those places, the homes. Foster parents. Siblings. John is steady. I’ve had John a long time, he’s—he’s my family.”
Not saying a word, Gabriel stripped then slid into the bed next to her. He tugged out the gun from beneath the pillow—checked it, then slid it onto the nightstand next to his side of the bed. Probably better he had the gun tonight, anyway. When he wrapped his arms around her, she settled against his chest.
“I got bounced from home to home, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for bad. The best part was when I enlisted. Because even if the military moved me, I belonged wherever I went.” Belonging had been important. “Until I didn’t. It went away.”
“Operation Phoenix?”
She’d told him, the whole of the op, how it went wrong—who they’d lost and what it had cost them. Gabriel signed on to help the team to help her. He needed to know what he was getting into. “One mission. It all went to hell. They died and my home was gone. I didn’t see John for months—and Brad was dead.”
With deliberate patience, Gabriel combed his fingers through her hair. The light stroke of his fingertips against her scalp combined with the unknotting of her hair soothed her.
“They took my home away. Discharged me, sent me off and I didn’t know what to do or who to be. Then, apparently, Brad and the other ghosts dragged me here.” The irony wasn’t lost on her. What would she have given to have pulled the mask off his face that day? To have seen him? To know? “And they didn’t say a word to any of us.” If Chrome hadn’t known, and she and Merc hadn’t—she was pretty sure none of the team knew.
“Did he tell you why?”
“Yes and he kissed me.”
“I know, sweetheart,” he said, pressing his lips to her hair. “He’s alive and it’s really fucking with you.”
“I should be happy.” Why wasn’t she? “I should be relieved.”
“Why should you be anything?” The question resonated with her.
“Because I love him.” Loved? Love? Love was right—she loved him before. She still did. “Gabriel, I’m not…”
“Shh,” he said, pressing his fingers to her lips. “It’s okay if you love him. He’s a really big part of you, and he’s been here…he’s been here the whole time. I knew that when I said I would stay.”
Fear slunk in under the liquor. “You’re not going now…if you go now I go with you.”
“I don’t doubt it, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere. You couldn’t lose me in Vegas, and you’re not losing me here.” The words reassured her. “You, however, are going to drink some water and go to sleep. Tomorrow, we’ll work out what we’re going to do.”
Shifting, she rolled over and straddled him, gazing into his eyes. “I’m sorry I hit you.” It had been Gabriel trying to stop her.
“I know better than to get between you and your bike.” The corner of his mouth twitched upward. “I also know you have a mean left hook. I’ll take the elbow anytime.”
Laughter bubbled up inside of her, and she cradled his face in her hands. “You’re a lunatic.”
“Only for you.” He sat forward, brushing his nose to hers. “I have your back. It’s going to suck, and I have no idea what fresh surprise is waiting for us tomorrow, but you are not alone. Not this time and nobody’s taking anything away from you. Clear?”
The stern tone, the crisp orders, and the utter confidence steadied her wavering soul. “Crystal.”
“Good.” Then he kissed her. When his tongue sought entrance, she let him in and lost herself in his touch.
One week later
Running with Copper was a lot like running a marathon. She didn’t quit, not even when sweat slicked her skin and her hair was sopping. It didn’t matter how hot—or cold, for that matter—or if the sun was shining or if it was raining. Gabriel joked once he’d been in good shape when he met her. Staying with her, however, had increased his fitness. She ran ten miles every day she wasn’t on a mission, even if she were hungover.
At the top of their loop, she slowed and he dropped his pace to match hers. They matched, though not intentionally, in t-shirts, sweatpants, and running shoes. He preferred it when she wore shorts, she had a fantastic set of legs. When she slowed further, walking instead of running, he frowned. “What’s up?”
“Have you seen Brad this week?” Since the day the bomb dropped, she hadn’t mentioned the subject. She focused on training, running, avoiding any of the team, and having sex—lots of sex. Gabriel didn’t complain about any of it, except he’d waited her out. Waited for her to bring the man up again. From the day she’d confessed her initial loss, he’d been very aware of her lingering love.
“No,” he said, focusing on his breathing to bring his respiration down. “I’ve kept my eye out. To be blunt, I haven’t seen any of them.”
Hands on her hips, she kept a fast walk going. Her pants came in short bursting gasps. “Me neither.”
Since she finally opened the door, he asked, “Are you watching for him?”
“Yes.” Another facet of Copper he loved. She had the best poker face on the planet and told lies so smoothly when needed that he never questioned her belief in the lies. With him? And likely with John, too, she possessed the harshest sense of honesty. No sugar-coating, no apologies. “Not entirely sure why I’m watching. Or what I want. If I want to make sure I’m not seeing him again or if I’m terrified I won’t.”
Talking to the woman he loved about the man she loved was a kick in the crotch, but he pressed on past his discomfort. It might be difficult for him, but she was in hell. He would willingly suffer rather than leave her there alone. She stopped walking, and lifted her leg, catching her foot in her hand and stretching her thigh.
“I hear you,” he said, choosing his next words carefully. “I’m watching to make sure whatever he does next, you agree with. If you don’t, and he oversteps—then I’ll take care of it.”
Pausing, Copper raised her eyebrows. “You sound pretty damn butch right there.”
“I may be educated and pretty modern where you’re concerned, I can live with your lover being alive. I can even live with you dealing with your feelings where he’s concerned.” No matter what it cost him. If he’d lost Copper and moved on, only to find out she was alive? He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the concept. Either way… “I will not now, nor ever, allow anyone to abuse you.”
“Brad wouldn’t.” Her frown and her tone said otherwise, but calling her on her bullshit was a card he played only when absolutely necessary. “At least not intentionally.” She’d filled him in on Brad’s explanation for their “playing dead,” and he knew she still struggled with the information. What Gabriel hadn’t shared with her was the challenge Brad issued that day at the lake.
Not much of a game if he wasn’t going to even show—or was it? Because she was worried. “We can ask, sweetheart.” If the others didn’t want to give answers, well, he and Sachi also knew how to get them. Especially since they knew what to look for where Brad was concerned. All she really needed was a plan, something to navigate through the swamp of emotion.
Stretching one leg, then the other, she sighed. “You know what I need is a plan, but a plan requires a goal or a destination. I’m flying blind on this one.”
Smiling faintly at her verbalizing his thoughts, he said, “Are you really flying blind or are you trying to protect my feelings?”
A pause. “I told you I love him. Granted, I was drunk when I said it, but it’s still true. If I’m trying to protect your feelings, I would be kind of sucking at it, wouldn’t I?”
Laughing once, he nodded. “Very true.”
“You haven’t asked me.”
“Asked you if you love me too?” He raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah.” She’d never said the words. Not once in all the months since saying she wanted him to stay. He’d told her, but she’d never responded in kind.
“I don’t need to ask.” During his tenure as a CIA field agent and later as an analyst, his superiors questioned the calls he made in his files. They couldn’t see the rationale based on the evidence presented. Gabriel trusted his gut. He was damn good at reading people, reading situations, and disseminating information. He couldn’t always draw the lines from A to B to C, but he could navigate even through murky waters.
“Really?” Surprise filtered through her expression.
“Really.” Catching her chin in his fingers, he leaned over and brushed his lips to hers. “You wanted me to stay, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You come home to me from every mission, don’t you?”
The corner of her mouth tilted. “Yes.”
“You let me in, didn’t you?”
A sigh. “Yes.”
“That’s all I need, sweetheart. That and for you to be happy.” Something she wasn’t at the moment. “See, I have faith in all the things you don’t say.”
Her nose wrinkled and she gave him a shove. Chuckling, he swooped in and dragged her closer. “I’m all hot and sweaty.”
“So am I.” Swinging her around, he began to sway and she rested her hands on his chest.
“What are we dancing to?”
“Whatever the hell we want to dance to. You need more dancing in your life—more dancing, more laughter, and more smiling.” Keeping her moving, he zeroed in on her troubled eyes. “The problem you’re facing right now is who are you, and you aren’t sure what you’re supposed to be. You asked me once who I wanted you to be…”
“And you said you wanted me to be me.” She moistened her lips. “When he died—or when I thought he was dead—God, I hate that. I don’t even know what to call it.”
“He was dead for you, babe. You saw the explosion, survived it…came back here…went through the debriefing.” Which had to have been hell. “Then they told you he was dead. The reports said he was dead. They buried them. For all intents and purposes, he was dead.” Sliding his hand to her chest, he paused over her heart. “You grieved.”
“I left a piece of myself there,” she whispered. “In Russia, a huge section of who I was…I thought it died with him, so I buried me, too. I don’t know how to be her, because she’s not in me anymore. So how do I reconcile who I was with who I am?”
Before he could answer, his phone rang. Brad never returned hers, and she’d skipped getting another. Chrome hadn’t insisted she’d need a phone since he refused to send her on missions, and Gabriel was grateful for it. Digging his phone out, he flipped it over.
Speak of the devil… He showed her Chrome’s name on the screen and she sighed, the raw emotion draining in favor of her game face. Resisting the urge to curse, he hit answer and handed her the phone. Her work was much a part of who she was as her sense of humor and her loyalty.
“Copper, I need you to come in, and you should bring Gabriel with you.” Chrome’s voice was clear at Gabriel’s distance.
“Yes, sir.”
“Before you do,” Chrome’s voice dropped a note. “Understand, you can say no.”
“Sir?” She frowned, and Gabriel’s gut sank. Whatever it was, it had to do with Brad.
“Like I said, to be clear, you can say no. Understood?”
“Yes, sir. We’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” The call disconnected, and she met Gabriel’s gaze, her eyes troubled beneath her otherwise professional veneer. “You sure you still want to stay in this with me?”
“Not even a question.” He sealed his promise with a kiss. “You ready to do this?”
Nuzzling him once more, she nodded. “Remember, no grab-ass in front of the guys.”
He laughed. “We may revisit that condition later.”
“Deal.”
Falling into step together, they retraced their path at a run. Whatever the hell was up, Gabriel wasn’t letting her go on any mission without him. He didn’t give a flying damn what they had for her to do—until she was more settled and more comfortable with the wild shift in her life, he was in. All the way in.