Chapter Twenty-Six

Giles

THE MORNING AFTER A HOOKUP is always awkward. After waking up, there's a tense silence followed by overly casual small talk. The type where we both pretend we are still strangers whose bodies weren't just bumping in all the dirty ways bodies bump. It's like a hangover, where you wonder for a moment if it was worth it, but the moment passes so quickly, all that's left is the faint memory of a good time.  

It's a new experience for me to have only spent the night in a bed with a girl. In my own bed. To wake up to her and not immediately commence the art of making a swift departure. I watch as Julia stirs, eyelids fluttering a few times before her chocolate colored irises come into view. Confusion flashes briefly across her face before the memory of last night seems to settle on her. 

She pulls in her brows and, in a groggy voice, says, "So we're friends now, huh?"

"Yeah. Looks like we are." 

"I like our sleepovers."

I cringe. "Jesus, don't say it like that."

"Why not? It's what it's called when you sleep with someone without actually sleeping with them."

"It kind of makes me feel like I failed. You know, in trying to get in your pants."

"Well, you did fail."

I suck in a breath then let it out. "I've friend-zoned myself, haven't I?"

She smiles then nods. "You so have. But isn't this better? Friendship is a decision not an impulse. That's why it lasts longer." 

That's why it lasts longer.

Those words resonate with me, but I can't put my finger on why, exactly.

"How do we deal with jealousy?" I tease.

"What do you mean jealousy? Of what?"

"Well, if we aren't screwing each other, are we screwing other people?"

In an almost distant way, she says, "Yeah, that's what friends do, I guess. Friends screw other people...who aren't each other."

There's some humor in her tone, but I don't laugh. "I don't like that. Guys are disgusting perverts and you're...you're my little leopard."

My hand comes up to the side of her face, cupping her cheek, and my thumb brushes over the skin there. She blinks at my touch, but otherwise doesn't react. I know I should move my hand away. I know I'm contradicting the entire conversation. But it feels too good and I'm too selfish. 

"Oh, Giles," she says, sweetly, "you touched me and now I have to taser you in the nuts." I lower my hand but she smiles. "I like this version of you." 

Those six words drum me just right.

"What version is that?" 

"The one that's sweet and genuine and isn't constantly scheming to get into my pants. I don't want that other Giles, the player. You can save that for someone else." 

I don't want to hear more about this 'other' Giles. And I wish she'd just forget him. Because the look of suspicion in her eyes has ebbed away and now there's familiarity there. How could so much change between us in just a few days? I don't know, but I'll do anything to keep things this way. To keep myself from messing it all up again. 

"So wait, you're saying you really wouldn't feel jealous if you saw me with another girl?"

"I wouldn't care." She swallows almost imperceptibly, and as if she knows I don't quite believe her, she adds, "I wouldn't. Because you and I...we're better as friends. Don't you think?"

I don't think. We haven't tried it any other way. Not for real. But I know I shouldn't say that. I know she feels safer with us as friends. 

"Fair enough," I say. "By the way, thanks."

She frowns. "For what?"

"Last night. Just...thanks."

Her mouth opens in question, but then she seems to realize what I mean. I've never been able to talk to anyone about what happened to my dad the way I talked to her last night. And this morning I'm a thousand pounds lighter. I can't explain what it is about her that made it easy for me to open up. 

"Anytime," she says. 

We both look up at the muffled sounds of people talking out in the house. Ava and Damien must be up.

Julia covers her face with her hands. "Shit. My bedroom door is locked. I don't want Ava to see me coming from your room. She'll think..."

"That we screwed all night?"

"Um. Yeah."

"So?" I say that, but I know Ava would have my head if she saw Julia leaving my room.

"What do you mean, so? I don't want her to see me doing the walk of shame." She's whispering, but I respond at normal volume.

"It's only a walk of shame when you do something you didn't want to do. But if you wanted to do it, and you did it for yourself--to feel good, to enjoy yourself--there's no shame in that. None at all."

"Shush. There was no...feeling good in here, last night. Can you go out there and pretend I'm in my room and let me know when the coast is clear?"

"Sure, but you're being ridiculous."

"Let me be ridiculous then," she snaps in a harsh whisper.

I laugh. "Have it your way, little leopard."