Chapter Forty-Two

Giles

"YOU AND JULIA HAVE BEEN getting pretty close, lately," Ava says.

I can't read her expression. Her back is toward me as she prepares food on the kitchen counter. Her tone leaves little else to gauge from. 

My answer is a noncommittal grunt, as I continue eating leftover Chinese food.

"I'm just surprised," she says. "When I saw you guys hanging out, watching a movie the other night, you two seemed pretty cozy."

"We've gotten close." 

"Really?" She looks over her shoulder to where I sit at the table. "How close?"

"She's...the person I'm closest to in my life right now, if I'm honest."

Disbelief and a strange curiosity swirl around Ava's face. 

"What?" I ask, pausing to swallow a mouthful of food. "Is that really so hard to believe?"

"I guess I can see it. I'm never really around. You two have a lot of alone time together..." She pauses. "I guess it was bound to happen. You two either hating each other so badly one or the other opted to move out, or...becoming friends."

 Her tone is unassuming, but I know she's fishing for information. If there's something she wants to know, she should just go ahead and ask me straight on. 

I pretend my response isn't needed, and simply eat my lunch. She sits beside me after a few minutes, bringing her plate along. The salad she's so carefully fixed is a heaping mound of leafy greens topped with strawberries, avocados, and nuts. I bet she envies my plate of beef and broccoli on egg noodles.

"So, since you and Julia are so close," Ava starts, doubt creeping into her tone, "I'm assuming she knows what next Friday is?"

My jaw freezes mid-chew and I have to remind myself to keep eating. Swallowing, I say, "No. She doesn't know."

Ava lets out a sigh. "Giles, why do you keep choosing to go through this alone?"

"I won't be alone," I say. "I'm meeting my mom. We're going together."

"You know what I mean. You need to talk to someone about it. So if you're going to feed me this bullshit about Julia being your closest friend, at least make your lie convincing and tell me she knows what next Friday really means."

Julia knows how my father died, and I mentioned a while ago that the anniversary's approaching, but I've never given her a date. The closer the date grows, the less I want to tell her. It's just not something I've wanted to acknowledge aloud.

I get up and head to the kitchen sink, Ava's words still pricking away at me like tiny needles. "Just mind your business for once, Ava."

"This is my business. You're my family, Giles, and I hate to see you doing this to yourself."

I turn around. "Really? How is what I'm doing any different from what you're doing?"

"What are you talking about?" She pushes her food away and crosses her arms over her chest. She knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"I refuse to talk about my dad. You refuse to talk about your mom. I threw myself into sex. You threw yourself into work. How does everything you're saying apply to me and not to you? And why the hell should I listen to you if you can't take your own advice? You're practically the only family I've got, Ava. And you won't let me help you."

She stares at me, mouth parting slowly, but no words coming out. Her eyes glisten under the threat of tears. The sight alone is enough to make me regret my tone.

"Shit," I say, running a hand over my forehead. "Don't cry. Please."

There's no kryptonite like a woman's tears.

Ava gets up, her plate forgotten on the table. She approaches me, lips turned down and nose redder by the second. I'm unsure of what she's about to do until her arms loop around my middle and she hugs me tightly. I'm surprised at first. We haven't hugged since we were kids. But my arms come up around her. A stitch in my chest loosens as I realize how true my words are. 

Apart from my mother, Ava is the only family I have. We're both only-children, with no siblings to turn to. We've been left alone to deal with the mess left behind for us. And we're both grieving our parents in different ways, for different reasons.

"You're right," she says, voice hitching in a sob.

"Let me help you," I plead. "Let me help with the care fees, Ava. Please?"

She shakes her head then starts crying. I don't know what to do, so I just keep on hugging her, until her crying slows down. She takes a deep breath and says, "I'm so tired, Giles. But I just hate being a burden."

"What else is family for?" I tease, my arms dropping to my sides.

She laughs as she pulls away. Her face is red, but not just from crying. She crosses her arms in a self-conscious way that tells me she's embarrassed of her breakdown.

"Damn it," she says. "I've gone a long time without crying."

"And I didn't even have to run over your science project with my bike," I tell her, reminding her of a time, long ago, when our worries were small and our worlds much simpler. 

"You've always been such an asshole." She laughs at the memory I've conjured, both hands coming up to wipe the moisture from her cheeks. Then she goes quiet for a second, her eyes softening before she says, "Talk to her, Giles. If you won't talk to me, talk to her. Okay? How is she supposed to know you need her to be there for you, unless you tell her?"

I nod, but look away. There's no question about it, I need Julia like I need air. But there's still a wall even she, in all her efforts, hasn't managed to crack. A wall I'm not sure can ever be breached.