Chapter Twenty-Nine

Julia

"WHY ARE YOU SO SMILEY?" Lex asks.

"Huh?" I'm distracted. The restaurant's closing and I'm cleaning up for the end of my shift. I didn't hear the kitchen doors open and thought I was alone.

She leans back on the counter, watching me. "You're smiling for no reason. And if I know better, people don't smile for no reason."

"Some people," I say with inflection, "don't smile at all."

"I smile plenty."

"Yeah, well, I hoped Mr. Suit's influence would help your chronic frown. I was wrong."

"His name's Jeremy. And you haven't answered my question."

"That's because I don't know what you're talking about. This is just how my face looks."

She taps her fingertips to her lips a few times then points at me. "You're seeing someone."

"Inaccurate statement." I'm saved from making eye contact, since I'm squatting down, restocking glasses.

"You've got a crush, then. Is it..." She slaps her hand on the counter. "No. Please tell me it's not that asshole you live with."

The last time I talked to her about Giles, I was complaining about him. I don't think I've ever said a good thing about him to her. I've kept everything good that's happened between us to myself for fear of being judged or having it all belittled. But in keeping tightlipped about how things have somehow shifted, I've painted him in an awful light. Not the kind of thing you can easily undo. To backpedal now, to try to explain that maybe I judged too quickly, or, worse, that he's different with me, all sounds stupid. Because it is, isn't it? When a girl says he's different with me, it usually makes me gag.

"I'm just looking forward to going to bed," I say. "I'm tired." 

"So there's no guy? No crush?"

"Nope. I'm single and perfectly happy about it, actually." I clear my throat as I get to my feet again. "What about you? Are you happy with Mr. Suit?"

"Jeremy. And..." She pauses for just a second, but it's long enough for me to notice. "Yeah, I think I am."

"What's got you on the fence?"

She hesitates. "We fight a lot, to be honest."

"Really?" Seems kind of soon for that. "About what?"

"He's just on the controlling side. Nothing extreme, I wouldn't put up with that. Just little things he says, little things he does. He's learning, though."

"Be careful with that," I say. "He's older. You don't want him to think he's the center of your world."

"A man has never been the center of my world, not ever. He knows that. He also knows about my plans for the future and he insists on being part of them."

"Really? You're thinking about a future with him?"

She scoots over as I wipe down the counter.

"I know. I know it sounds crazy. But I see it, Julia. I see...steady ground with room to grow and build on. Stability. I see so much potential."

"You talk about him like he's real estate."

"Don't make me sound like I have no soul. I'm just not good with words. You know what I mean. I have my own goals that have nothing to do with him and I see him as someone who wouldn't hold me back from that. I wouldn't be with him unless he made sense for me, unless he fit into my plans for the future." 

"Falling in love isn't like that, Lex. You can't plan it. You can't line everything up perfectly."

"See, I disagree. I think falling in love is very much a choice. You allow yourself to do it."

"Throw out the script, Lex."

"I can't. The script is all I have."

I bite my lip, reeling in my opinions even as they threaten to burst out of me in a flood. 

Here's the thing about expectations, they're illusions. Figments of our imaginations we weave from nothing and hold up to the world, like they're supposed to line up with it. It won't line up. The world doesn't play by our expectations because it doesn't owe us anything. Especially not the courtesy of rehearsing the script we've made for ourselves.

"Well, I'm going off the script. Fuck the script." I bundle up the rag and throw it at her. She catches it and smiles. "Ah, there it is. You should smile more often."

"Now you sound like my sister," she says.

"I bet you're a pain in the ass to her. My older sister's a huge pain in my ass." I look down and laugh. "And my younger sister, too. God, I miss them."

"Go see them."

"I am. This weekend, I'm off. I'm driving up for my mom's birthday." I smooth a hand over the back of my neck. "I haven't had a real conversation with my parents since...all that stuff went down."

 I head to the register, pop it open, and grab a stack of bills to count. Lex comes up beside me and asks, "What about your ex? I hope you don't have to run into that piece of shit."

"You know what? I hope I do. I haven't faced him yet, and I intend to."

Lex thinks for a minute. "Has there been anyone after him? I mean, have you been with any guys since him?"

I shake my head.

"So let me get this straight. You lost your virginity and it went horribly wrong. And you haven't had sex since?"

"Is that really so surprising?"

"Julia, you do realize sex isn't supposed to be traumatizing, right? It's supposed to be tantalizing and, if you're with the right person, it's empowering."

"I'm scared," I blurt out.

"What are you scared of?"

"I wanted so badly for my first time to be special. Yeah. I know, that's the stereotypical girl's dream, right? That the first time will be on a bed of roses with the perfect lover. Instead, most of us get a clumsy troll on a creaky twin-sized mattress. I guess I got the added wonder of one that exploited me afterward."

She shuts her eyes. "I think you're giving too much power to it."

"What do you mean?"

"You're waiting to have sex again because you're scared, but the longer you wait, the more terrified you'll be of getting back in the saddle."

I snort. The saddle.

"What do you suggest? That I should just grab a horse and ride one just because?"

"Well, it's not like you can lose your virginity twice."

"I can't just have meaningless sex. I just can't."

"I'm not suggesting you do. I'm just telling you that it won't get less intimidating. You need to claim rights to your own body. Own it, and stop giving men so much credit. Women hold all of the power when it comes to sex. When you realize that, you'll stop being scared of leaning into what you want."

I get back to counting the cash in the register, but my thoughts carry me far away. She's right, I am avoiding sex. It's become a huge elephant sitting on my shoulders. And the time that's passed since my disastrous first time is just another widening gap, threatening to become a crater.