Chapter Twenty-Two

Julia

GILES IS GONE WHEN I wake up. I lie still for a few minutes, wondering if maybe I dreamt it all. Wondering if I passed out from dehydration and my subconscious played tricks on me in an effort to give me closure. But my second pillow smells like him and the covers on that side are wrinkled in a way that tells me he slept in my bed last night. 

Or maybe he didn't. 

Maybe he only stayed until I fell asleep. Either way, it's strange that it happened. Stranger that I let it. 

Forgiveness isn't something I do well. I can hold on to a grudge until the next ice age, and then use the heat from my anger to keep me warm. I'm trying to understand why I don't hate Giles the way I know I should. His apology should've been a pebble on bulletproof glass, but instead it was a bazooka, blasting through it without issue. 

He caught me in a moment of weakness and then took me by surprise. His words were so genuine when he said he wanted to go back to how things were before. I didn't think we could. He toyed with me that night, knocked me down a few pegs. Then he came to my rescue and bled a little with his words. And I felt the truth of those words in myself, as well. Because whatever it is he's going through, whatever unintentional comfort I've provided, he's done the same for me. 

I don't know how he managed to make me feel so comfortable around him, seeking his company after I swore I'd never let him come near me again.

When he came to sit beside me in my bed, I worried he'd try to test boundaries like I know he enjoys doing. But despite our proximity, everything about his movements was chaste and innocent. That brought my walls crumbling down, the ice in me shifted. Setting my head on his shoulder was precisely what I needed in the moment. It's ironic, that this guy who's seen me naked and has toyed with me in an awful way, could invoke a space where I no longer feel bare.

It occurs to me when I get out of bed that he might be somewhere in the house, maybe in his own room. But he's not. The house is empty, his car no longer in the driveway.

My throat is dry and there's a slight throb at my temples, clear signs that I'm dehydrated. I remedy the issue by chugging an entire bottle of water and spend the rest of the lamest weekend ever recovering from the day before. Getting freshly cooked food in my stomach and lots of liquids. The whole day, all I keep thinking is, I don't know what compelled me to answer Giles honestly during what should've been just a game. I revealed something I never thought I'd tell him, of all people. 

But I'm glad I did. 

When you hold in a secret long enough, it starts to become larger than life. A secret feeds on silence, growing limbs until it starts to control you. I learned that the hard way, but what I couldn't have known is the power of releasing a secret in an exhale of words. Just like when I shared with Lex, I felt better telling Giles, even if he didn't understand the significance of my confession. As soon as the words left my lips, I was a little bit lighter. A little bit stronger, even, because for a tiny moment, I owned it instead of letting it own me.

At work, I drag myself around behind the bar, not quite fully recovered. Lex entertains me with updates on Mr. Suit, whose name is actually Jeremy. He still comes to see her at work every so often, and I keep my lips pressed tight on my opinion of the guy. Lex seems enamored by him. Not just by him, but by what he seems to represent for her. She tells me she has no interest in dating guys our age. She likes her men mature, baggage free, and stable. And I gauge the reason is a lack of stability in her own past. 

It has been just under five weeks since that first time Mr. Suit sat at my bar. And though she met him sometime before that, given he was already looking for her that day, I can't help but think she's erecting a fantasy around him. I worry about their nearly ten-year age gap, and how it could give him an advantage over her, psychologically. As mature and wise as Lex is, as much life experience as she might have, she's still a twenty-something-year-old college girl.

Lex asks me about my prank war and I tell her it's over. But I don't tell her what Giles did. It would be too difficult to explain why I forgave him. It would be impossible to put into words the way it just felt like the right thing to do, how my heart just believed his apology and hangs on the promise he'd never toy with me like that again. I know how stupid I'd sound. And that's why a part of me is afraid to even talk to Lex about Giles anymore. 

On a practical level, I know I should keep my distance and not try to even broach a friendship with him. I know it's too risky, with him being the way he is and me being attracted to him the way I am. But the idea that he could continue to show me this new side of him is just too appealing to pull away from. I can't resist. He and I, we're drawn to each other in an almost reckless way.