Chapter Twelve
Nick
"You're gonna have so much fun," Carrie says to Leah, ending her thirty-minute rant as we head out of Austin. Sean’s driving Michael's van with the driver's side window down so he could smoke a cigarette. Occasionally, he chuckles and shakes his head at how ridiculous my sister is. Sure, she’s a goofball, but she’s also annoying as hell sometimes.
Leah soaked up every word, though. Watching the amazement on her face is so adorable. My arm wraps around her, her head resting on my chest as we sit in the very back seat, so I can elevate my leg. Carrie’s sitting in the middle row, her body turned around, so she can blab on and on to Leah about the open road and no responsibilities and all that crap. It is crap, and Carrie knows it. She just likes the wonder in Leah's eyes as much as I do.
Michael has his headphones in, ignoring everyone in the van like he typically does. He’s sitting in the front with his hood covering his head as he passes out instantly. I don’t know if he’s actually asleep, because I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to sleep with Carrie's squawking. He’s also really good at ignoring all of us.
We stop at a giant gas station called Buc-ee's an hour and a half later, knowing from experience they have the best bathrooms and snacks in Texas. Our stop could have been more enjoyable if my broken leg wasn't making everything take so much longer. I only have two more long months to go.
Once we get back to Austin, I'll be able to get my boot on. It’s driving me crazy to constantly limit myself. I can’t even fuck my girlfriend without worry. I could pull something and re-injure myself, pushing my recovery back by who even knows how long.
I shake my head, attempting to clear it from bad thoughts. I can’t change the past. All I can change is the future, and that's where I need to keep my focus.
Leah’s standing by the van waiting once I limp back from the station. The rest of our crew is still inside, wasting time and money on merchandise they could pick up whenever. It’s the wonder of Buc-ee's, and I’m not gonna call them out on it.
She’s leaning against the doors with her arms crossed over her chest, a bag of snacks hanging from her hand. Her gaze is following a group of kids running around together in the parking lot, their parents sitting at the edge of their truck and watching, laughing together. They seem to be on a nice family trip, but Leah’s definitely not happy as she studies them.
My crutches gain her attention first, breaking her focus from the family and over to me. The corners of her mouth shift into a weak smile. One I know she doesn’t really mean. "Drop a huge load in the bathroom?"
I freeze my steps, eyes widening as I burst out laughing. She laughs with me as I close the distance between us. I love her damn potty mouth. It’s so unexpected from such beautiful lips. "Yeah, I got some good pics if you're interested," is my lame response.
She doesn’t skip a beat as she wiggles her eyebrows. "Foreplay. Nice."
As I unlock the van, her eyes fall on the family again. This strange expression spreads across her face, and for a moment I’m reminded of how little I know her. I have absolutely no idea what she’s thinking as she watches the kids playing.
I grab her hand and squeeze, bringing her back to the present. Those delightful eyes of hers turn onto me, then she blinks, forcing her way out of her trance. "I've never been on a road trip before," she admits.
One corner of my mouth turns up as my head tilts to the side. Is she jealous of the family? I wish I knew the right thing to say. "There are a lot of things you've never done before."
She nods quickly, her expression shifting into totally unreadable territory. "Never been to school. Never gone to an amusement park. Never played with other kids. Never had friends. Never been loved."
Her voice cracks at the last one as she stops herself from going on. Her lip quivers before disappearing behind her teeth as she rips open the van door and crawls in.
I follow behind her, closing the door behind me then settling into the seat next to her. My heart’s pounding as I try to figure out what I should say, but I have no idea. She opens her bag of goodies, pulling out M&Ms, then proceeds to shovel them into her mouth. I open my beef jerky and take a few bites.
We sit in silence while we snack until the others come back, then we’re on the road again. This time Leah doesn’t lay her head on my chest or sit anywhere close to me. I don’t want her to shrink away, but what can I do?
Never been loved. Is that true? Has no one ever loved Leah? Has no one ever said those words, or has no one ever meant them? Did she want me to say those words back to her last night? I figured she understood. I wouldn't want to lie to her.
If it weren't too soon, I'd say I love her, because that's how I feel. I love her but still don’t know her. She doesn't know me either and could change her mind tomorrow. I'd rather save us both the heartbreak of falling too hard too fast.
I make one simple gesture. I hope it’ll reassure her even if I don’t know the right thing to say. My hand reaches between us and grabs hers, her widened eyes darting up to mine. I smile, squeezing her hand.
You're worth it all. I want to tell her that. I want to confess to her how much she means to me after only knowing her for a short time. I want to say something, but I don’t want to scare her away.
She studies my expression a moment before letting out a breath, closing her own fingers over mine. Her attention goes back to out the window, but at least I’m comforting her now.
✵ ✵ ✵
Leah’s eyes catch mine as we set up on stage. We’re the third band to play, clearing the room for drink refills and bathroom breaks, but Leah doesn’t move a muscle, her eyes following my every move.
We attempt to put off starting as long as possible, so the crowd can return, but the booker is already looking at us impatiently. Looks like we’re performing to an empty room. Again. Luckily Leah’s already seen us practice a few times, cheering us on and telling us how awesome we are, but this is the first time she’ll see us actually perform on a stage.
Michael steps up front, announcing who we are to the thin crowd. “Hey, we’re the Controlled Youth, and we’re about to rock the house.”
Leah cheers louder than anyone else in the room, making people look up from their conversations to politely join in. I shoot Sean a look as his eyebrows go up with a small smile. Leah’s growing on the band more and more each day, especially Sean and Carrie. After they each spent some time with her alone, they stopped being as weary around her. They won’t tell me exactly what changed, but I’m glad something did.
Michael strums his guitar, leading us into one of our safest songs. After a few beats, Sean and I join until Carrie pounds down on the drums behind us. The crowd instantly gets into it. People’s heads are bobbing, and Leah’s moving to the front of the stage, holding her drink and taking small sips as she sways her hips.
My eyes don’t leave hers as I lean into the mic to sing backup for Michael. Her shining eyes stay focused on mine as her lips part and she visibly swallows at the sight of me. Nothing else in this world has ever made me feel more like a man.
We finish strong with the first song, eliciting applause from the now returning crowd. More people came back from their smoke outside and their trips to the bar, and everyone’s ready to rock as Michael leans into the microphone announcing our next song before we jump right into it.
The rest of the show goes off with a bang. The crowd grows large as people dance and bob their heads. Leah’s eyes shine bright through it all, even as we finish our set and say our goodbyes to the crowd.
"You looked really awesome up there," are the first words to come out of her mouth once we meet out back to reload all our equipment into the van. She goes on, describing different parts of our performance where she felt we hit the strongest. “Your backup singing seriously made my heart flutter, and I wasn’t the only girl watching you.”
“You’re the only one I care about,” I say, grabbing her by the waist and kissing her in front of anyone and everyone.
Her awe after our sets during practice had given me a fuzzy feeling deep in my stomach, especially because making music wasn’t such a mind-blowing activity for Carrie and me. We’ve been playing instruments since we were kids. Mom played piano, so I played piano. She signed me up for lessons as soon as I was old enough. Carrie played too for a while before her interest in guitar grew. She wanted to jam with our dad, who we thought of as a guitar god back then.
After he died, our instruments of choice changed. Carrie moved to the drums, separating herself from him as a way to cope. She was his little girl, so they’d always been close. I’d always been closer to Mom, being the straight-A student with the work ethic of a plow horse.
When I finally picked up a guitar, it brought me closer to Dad. We’d gotten along fine, but I’d never exactly been his boy, the one he could shred on guitar or fix up a car with. There was a side of him I never tried to know, so I read through his old books and played some of his original songs for the family. We grieved together but learning something so close to his heart helped me begin to move on.
If he were alive, he'd think it was cool that Carrie and I were on tour right now, even though Mom hates it. She thinks we should be taking classes over the summer instead, but she got over it. She can’t do anything from another country except call us often and hope for the best.
I never thought the gift of music was anything particular to our family. I thought most families did that stuff, but Leah has shown me not everyone grew up in a loving, open home. She's consistently shocked and mesmerized by the fact that we can string a couple of notes together. I want to keep impressing her, keep this bond between us growing.
"What about me?" Carrie cuts in, breaking up our embrace and bringing me back to the moment. She fakes a pout in Leah’s direction. "Nick gets all the praise. Even as a cripple!"
My eyes widen as I check to make sure no one around us heard her. They didn't. "I'm not crippled, Carrie," I hiss. "Watch your mouth before you offend someone."
She rolls her eyes as Leah pats her shoulder. "You looked super cool too. I'd totally crush on you if I weren't super into your brother."
Leah winks at me, and I smile back, sending those butterflies fluttering again.
Back to normal. Or, at least, the only normal I know. Leah could normally be moody. I don’t know. But I have to stay confident. I have to stop myself from thinking about the last time I felt this strongly about a woman and how terribly I got burned. Leah’s different. She has to be.
Michael shoves past us with an amp. "Earn your keep, Laura. Time to shine."
My mouth opens to rip him a new one, but Leah’s already saluting, ignoring the purposeful wrong name and helping move equipment. I go to the back of the van, so I can arrange everything in a way that fits best. My leg is aching by the time we finish and get back on the road. Another two and half hour drive before we perform again, then we can finally collapse into a hotel for the night.
I can’t wait.