Chapter 12

Alissa

 

 

When I got home, I let out a deep breath and collapsed on the couch. Being around Ryan was almost exhausting because I had to keep control of myself, even though I was incredibly attracted to him. I wanted to kick myself for not just kissing him when I had the chance. I could tell he was just as into it as I was, not to mention the fact that he had been staring at my legs and ass all day long. To be honest, I purposely wore those shorts and that tank top because I knew they accentuated my assets, and I felt like showing off to Ryan just a little bit. I knew that it made me a bad person, flaunting my goods around a man that I didn’t even know whether a relationship was possible with or not, but for the first time in my life, I desperately wanted a man’s attention. I reached over and grabbed my phone, shaking my head. It was time I talked to Bella about all of this. I couldn’t keep it all in anymore.

“Hey, little sis,” she said happily.

“Hey,” I replied with a sigh.

“Uh, oh, what’s wrong?” she asked. “Tell me all about it.”

“Nothing is wrong per se,” I said. “I just got back from starting the job on Ryan and Kayla’s house.”

“Oh, yeah, how is that going?”

“Good,” I replied. “Okay, I have to just get it out. I am so damn attracted to Ryan, it isn’t even funny. Today, it was like you could cut through the tension between us with a knife. Then, I was hanging curtains, and the ladder went out from under me. He caught me in his arms, and we were two seconds from locking lips when Kayla walked in downstairs.”

“I knew it,” Bella screamed excitedly. “I just had this gut feeling that you were interested in him in some way. Have you told him?”

“You know how I am,” I said, sighing. “I have always been super shy when it comes to men. I skipped my Junior Prom because I couldn’t get enough guts up to be around the guy I liked long enough to let him ask me to the prom, and I knew for sure he was going to ask me. Talking to guys has always been extremely difficult for me. You know that.”

“Girl,” Bella responded. “You need to get over that shit, or you are going to end up the old spinster with cats, hanging paintings in other happy couple’s homes for the rest of your life. Start by telling me what appeals to you about Ryan.”

“Everything,” I gushed. “I mean, to start with, he has the most amazing fucking body. Like rock solid arms, solid chest, tanned skin, strong legs, and the hottest ass I have seen in a long time.”

“Mhmm, tell me more,” she said.

“The way he looks at me drives me nuts,” I replied. “He makes me feel like I am the most desirable woman on the planet, just from a glance across the room. And that freaking smile of his is like a damn toothbrush ad. He is like that hot, charming, rich guy, except when you talk to him, he is so incredibly humble and down to earth. We can have conversations about anything, and it is not weird at all.”

“That’s amazing,” Bella said. “How is he with his daughter? That is a serious indicator for future family events.”

“He is amazing with her, like straight amazing,” I said. “He reads her perfectly, knows what to respond with when she is struggling, and puts her before anything else in his life. He loves his career, but it does not come before his little girl in any way.”

“So, I don’t get it,” Bella replied. “Why are you telling me this and not screwing his brains out right now?”

“I can’t,” I sighed. “It’s just so complicated.”

“How is it complicated? Christina has been gone for 6 months. Their divorce was finalized a few months ago.. It’s the perfect time for you to start dating him. He has probably gone out and gotten the rebound screws over with, so you won’t be one of those, and he has been away from his ex long enough to be ready to start moving forward. Am I missing something here? It’s not like you would be a homewrecker.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t be,” I said. “But it’s not about that. He seems just as interested in me as I am in him.”

“So, what is it?”

“Have you forgotten that Ryan’s father married our mother? He is technically my stepbrother, and the last time I looked, that kind of stuff happened on Jerry Springer, not in Arizona. What would Mom say? What would the family say? He is family, Bella.”

“Whatever,” she scoffed. “That is just so damn ridiculous. Since when did you start to worry about what society would say?”

“I don’t,” I said softly. “It just bothers me, that’s all.”

“Look,” she said sternly. “Ryan is not related to you. You are not blood-related, and you didn’t grow up together as brother and sister. You are two adults whose parents happened to get married, but as adults, that does not seep down into your personal lives. You need to get the hell over that because you haven’t talked about a guy like this in a really long time. In fact, I don’t think you’ve ever talked about a guy like this. Seriously, Alissa, you need to let it go. He is not your brother in any way.”

“I know,” I said.

“Then what’s the problem?” she asked. “I think I know exactly what the problem is. You are too scared to make a move, so you are coming up with every excuse you can to make this something you don’t think you’re capable of doing. Alissa, seriously, you need to break free from that fear. I know it’s easier said than done, but the next time you have that crazy urge to grab him and kiss him, you need to just do it. You need to take in a deep breath, tell yourself that you are worth it, and just jump in headfirst. Screw the testing of the waters like we discussed before. You are too scared for that shit. You need to just go with it and deal with your embarrassment later.”

“But what if I read his signs wrong?”

“You know just as well as I do that you did not read the signs wrong,” she said, sighing. “Did he lean in to kiss you?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Did he stare longingly in your eyes and look bewildered when the two of you were interrupted by Kayla?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling to myself at the thought of it.

I was hearing every single word my sister was saying, and I wanted to be that girl that could just run straight into love and danger and not think twice about it, but I didn’t know if that was possible. I was shy when it came to men, very shy, and I didn’t want to mess up something in the family if I was wrong about how he felt about me. Not to mention how mortifying it would be to try to kiss him and have him push me away or look at me like I was crazy. Just the thought of it made me flinch and feel sick to my stomach. That was exactly the fear that Bella was lecturing me about, and it was almost blinding.

“So, I don’t see how you could possibly have misread anything,” she said, softening her voice. “Look, I am not trying to push you into something that you don’t feel like you’re ready for. I know that Ryan has a lot going on in his life, and that might not be the easiest relationship to get off the ground. But having said that, I know someone who is crazy about a guy when I see one, and you fit that bill. I want you to be happy, and if it’s with a guy who had his heartbroken, then that’s fine. You will be hard-pressed to find someone in this world that hasn’t had their heart broken before. It’s all about how willing he is to push past it, and how positive and patient you are. What is the worst that could happen?”

“He is completely disgusted by his sister trying to kiss him and makes family gatherings miserable for the rest of my life,” I replied. “Not to mention cripple my self-esteem.”

“Come on, does he really seem like the kind of guy who would do something like that? I think that if he wasn’t interested, he would let you down easily, crack a joke, and after a little while, you both would forget it ever happened.”

“You’re right,” I said, taking a minute to think about it. “He isn’t the kind of guy to purposely embarrass someone on an ongoing basis, except for Christina.”

“Yeah, well, that bitch deserves it,” Bella said, laughing. “I’d embarrass the hell out of her, too, if I were him.”

“From the looks of her decorating, she has done a good enough job embarrassing herself on her own.” I laughed. “Like seriously, thousands of dollars in art, and not one piece was good. The place looked like a toned-down Beetlejuice house.”

“Oh my God,” Bella said, laughing loudly. “Poor Ryan. He must have been terrified, like it was Halloween every day.”

We laughed and talked about Christina for a while, allowing ourselves to be catty, something we didn’t do very often. It felt good to get it out since I didn’t feel comfortable talking trash about her in front of Ryan, and especially not in front of Kayla. I was definitely feeling a lot better about pursuing something with Ryan, and I felt like I had found my courage again.

“So, okay,” I said. “I think I feel braver now.”

“The only thing I would caution you on is letting Ryan make the first move,” she replied.

“Why?”

“Whether we want to admit it or not, Ryan has some seriously heavy stuff going on in his life,” Bella replied. “It’s not like Christina left, and he could just move on. He has to deal with his daughter missing her and being heartbroken almost every single day. That is definitely something that can weigh on a man’s mind. I think you should let him make the first move so that you know that he is genuinely interested in you and not just willing to take an easily presented option.”

“True,” I said. “But what if he doesn’t make a move?”

“Then we will revisit this conversation and try to decide where to go from there,” she said. “I mean, in a way, he already has made a move by asking you to do this work on his house and taking days off from work to do it with you. At the same time, though, we don’t want to be those girls that read into everything. He could simply be trying to make things easier and less costly.”

“True,” I sighed.

We kept talking about it, and although I knew she was right on letting him make the first move, it didn’t dampen the spirits she had already risen for me. The biggest problem with the whole thing that I could see was the fact that I didn’t know how I was going to get through the next couple of days working with him without jumping his bones. All I could hope was that he made a move sooner rather than later, or I might find myself in a sticky situation. I definitely didn’t want to be a rebound girl or just someone for him to sleep with, but I really had the feeling that he wouldn’t do that sort of thing. At least, that was what I was hoping.