Chapter 31

Ryan

 

 

Alissa leaving made my heart sink and put a lump in my throat that I couldn’t seem to choke down. This was supposed to be an amazing Fourth of July with her and Kayla in my arms as the fireworks went off over our heads. Yet again, though, I was standing in my house, being blocked in every direction by my ex-wife. I felt terrible that Alissa left, especially after everything that she had done that day. But because it was Kayla’s birthday, I couldn’t break my little girl’s heart and kick her mom out, not after how excited she got when Christina showed up at the front door. In the end, it was better for Alissa to go and spare her any further heartache since my ex-wife seemed to have other motives. I turned toward her angrily and stared as she looked around the room, noticing the changes.

“We will not talk about this in front of Kayla,” I said firmly. “I don’t need you getting her hopes up about anything. We’ll talk more after the fireworks are over and she is asleep in her bed.”

“Thank you, Ryan,” she said, stepping forward. “Thank you for being willing to hear me out.”

“Let me make something very clear,” I said angrily. “I am only willing to hear you out because it’s Kayla’s birthday, and I don’t want to ruin it by sending you packing right now. Yet again, you have ruined another day for me, but it’s not my day. It’s hers. Now go upstairs and get your daughter so we can get this over with. I don’t want you lingering here any longer than you have to.”

Christina nodded and walked up the stairs, her hands clasped in front of her. I was so angry that I didn’t even know what to do, and I couldn’t believe that she had the nerve to walk in my home and tell me she wanted me back, and in front of company no less. She really felt like she had no limits or boundaries, as if she had forgotten we were already divorced.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent Alissa a text, apologizing again and telling her I would call her later in the evening. I didn’t expect her to text me back, and I felt completely terrible for doing this to her. She deserved so much better. While I was forced to sit in the yard with Christina, she would be driving home alone during the fireworks, her favorite part of the holiday. Minute by minute, it became harder and harder to let Christina stay at the house, especially knowing she was trying to weasel her way back into our lives.

When she walked into the house, I was shocked as to how I felt about her. I no longer saw her as beautiful, I no longer longed for her, and my heart didn’t even miss a beat. Instead, I felt disgusted by her presence and angry as hell that she would barge into my life like that. All I wanted to do was let Alissa loose on her, but I couldn’t, not with Kayla there. I knew that Alissa would have felt the same way. I couldn’t even start to imagine what it must have felt like for her to stand there and listen to my ex-wife tell me she wanted to get back together with me. I wasn’t even the other person, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I hated everything about hurting Alissa again, especially since I promised that I would never let the shadow of my ex-wife get in the way of us ever again.

I could hear Kayla upstairs, laughing and talking, so excited that her mom had come to visit her on her birthday. I couldn’t blame Kayla, but her reaction toward her mother and the dismissal of Alissa had gotten Alissa right in the heart, and rightfully so. It was a very confusing situation, and I realized that I was not at all ready or equipped to handle it. I didn’t want to talk to Christina after the fireworks, but I had told her I would, and I didn’t want Christina making a scene and alerting Kayla that there was anything out of the ordinary. Christina knew how to play at my heartstrings and that was through our daughter. I also knew that she had shown before she didn’t care about her at all, making it hard to believe that she suddenly had some crazy change of heart. I sighed and walked to the bottom of the staircase.

“Come on, Kayla,” I yelled up to her. “Grab your blanket. The fireworks are getting ready to start.” 

“Okay, Daddy, we’re coming,” she yelled back happily.

The three of us walked outside into the yard like we had so many years before. Only this time, I wanted to be as far away from Christina as I could get. She and Kayla sat on the blanket, and I pulled up a chair, leaning back and trying to clear my mind. I watched as Kayla snuggled into her mother, and though Christina was not super loving, she kissed her forehead and watched the light show over our heads. When it was over, I put the chair back and turned to Kayla.

“Okay, birthday girl,” I said. “It’s time for bed.”

“Will both of you tuck me in?”

“I think I am going to leave this one to your mom for tonight,” I said.

“Okay,” she said, coming over and kissing me on the cheek before taking her mom’s hand and pulling her into the house.

I stood out in the yard, staring up at Kayla’s window, watching as Christina read her a short story and tucked her into bed, closing the door as she left. I took in a deep breath and walked inside, knowing that it was time for that talk. By the time I got inside, Christina was standing in the living room, looking up at the shelves and pictures on the walls.

“You redecorated everything,” she said, staring at the wall where her favorite painting used to be. “It’s very normal.”

I ignored her snotty comment and took a deep breath, sitting down in the chair next to the couch. She flicked her fingers at the throw hanging over the edge of the new couch with a holier than thou look on her face. I ignored it, knowing it was her trying to be catty and letting me know she didn’t approve, which I didn’t give two fucks about.

“Why now?” I asked.

“I had to get myself together,” she said. “I just can’t stand being away from you guys any longer.”

I stared over at her in disbelief, not knowing what the hell she expected me to do. She was using Kayla as leverage. I knew that, but it didn’t take away from the fact that she was again, controlling my life and our daughter’s. Unfortunately, I was put in a position where I could be looked at as either the bad guy or father of the year.

“I know that I made a huge mistake leaving you, Ryan,” she said, sitting down and leaning forward. “I have thought about you every day since I left, but I knew that I couldn’t come back until I had fixed what was going on with me. It wasn’t an easy choice, but I couldn’t be the mother to Kayla and the wife to you that you both deserved unless I did something about what was going on in my head. You were an amazing husband, and I miss our life so very much.”

“Well, as you can see, there isn’t much left of that life, just a hollowed out and re-done structure,” I said bitterly.

“I know you are angry with me, and I understand, but please try to hear what I am saying,” she pleaded. “I made one of the biggest mistakes that a person could make in this life, and I want to have the chance to fix that.”

“So, you think barging back into my life when the drama has settled and you don’t have to deal with the broken hearts anymore was the perfect time to do it? I don’t know, Christina. That doesn’t make me think you’ve changed at all. Just the same old selfish Christina that left her family and shirked her responsibilities. You have no idea what it was like to go through that. You put your daughter, an innocent little girl, through hell and back. The only reason she doesn’t tell you to leave is because she doesn’t understand that you didn’t give a shit about her when you left.”

“You know that’s not true,” she said calmly, taking my hostility. “Come on, Ryan. I know you are angry. You have every right to be, but you know I love that little girl.”

“I used to think you did,” I said, shaking my head. “But how can you love someone and just screw them over the way you did? And with my best friend? Even Kayla picked up on the fact that you left with Dale, and I tried to shield her as much as I could from everything going on.”

“I’m trying to make it right,” she said. “It would be so good for Kayla for us to be a family again. You can’t deny that.”

“I don’t know,” I said, taking in a deep breath.

I was completely torn, sitting in that chair, staring over at Christina, who had done it again, made a grand entrance and weaseled her way back into my head. I didn’t want to be with her in any way. I wanted Alissa. But I couldn’t sit there and deny the fact that it would be good for Kayla to have her mother back under the same roof. How was I supposed to just pick up all of that hatred, anger, and broken trust and sweep it under the rug? I knew that if I made that decision, it would strictly be for Kayla, and I would never trust Christina again. I also knew if I made that decision, it would be the end of Alissa and me, and that was almost too heartbreaking to think about. I loved Alissa with all of my heart, and we made such an amazing team with Kayla by our side. Still, I couldn’t lie and say that if it were Kayla’s decision, she would pick Alissa. I knew better than that.

“Look, it’s late,” I said, rubbing my face with my hands. “I can’t have this conversation anymore tonight with you. It’s just going to go in circles. I need some time to think about all of this. Where are you staying?”

“I don’t have a place right now,” she said. “I thought maybe I could stay in the guest room.”

“No.” I chuckled. “That would be incredibly confusing for Kayla in the morning. She doesn’t need any more confusion, and I don’t want to give her the wrong idea. I’ll call the Weston and get you a room for a few days until we can figure all of this out. I’ll call you tomorrow, and we can go from there.”

“That is more than fair,” she said, standing up and grabbing her purse. “Thank you again for hearing me out. I really hope that we can reach a good place with all of this, but I know it will take some time.”

“I haven’t said yes to anything,” I said, opening the door and watching her walk out.

I shut the door and leaned against it, realizing that I was just put in the hardest spot I had ever been in. I had to decide between my happiness and the happiness of my little girl, and it was not simple in any way at all. I wasn’t ready to give up on Alissa. I loved her too much.