Chapter 22

Alissa

 

 

I straightened my skirt and walked carefully across the parking lot to the front doors of the restaurant. It was the first time I had put on clothes outside of work that weren’t sweats or yoga pants since Ryan broke our relationship off. Tonight, though, Bella called me out to our favorite Italian joint to have dinner and get me out of the house. I didn’t tell her, but I knew she knew I was moping around, feeling like absolute shit for the last few weeks. I hadn’t even had the balls to really talk about how I was feeling about anything.

“Hey, beautiful,” Bella said, standing up and kissing my cheek. “Guess what I got in the mail today? A postcard from Mom.”

“Oh, yeah? Where are they now?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “Somewhere in the tropics, but that isn’t the best part. Mom is coming home in July. I’m so happy to have her come home.”

“Aww, that’s fantastic,” I said, trying to muster a real, genuine smile. “That gives me another month to pull my head out of my ass so Mom doesn’t see me and instantly know that I have a broken heart. You know how she is. It’s like she can peer into my soul or something.”

“She can.” Bella laughed. “It’s some sort of mother voodoo. I won’t lie. It’s kept me alive quite a few times and through quite a few heartbreaks. She takes one look, and bam, she knows exactly what happened.”

“Yes, well, I don’t want her to know exactly what happened, so I need to get it together,” I said.

With Ryan and I still keeping our relationship a secret before he broke up with me, I hadn’t made any attempt to tell my mom about what was going on. Besides, it wasn’t really an appropriate conversation to have via a postcard delivered halfway across the world. I wish they would have added the international plan to their phones before they left. What would I say anyway? “Hey, Mom. Glad you are having a good honeymoon, and by the way, I am secretly dating your new stepson. Love, Alissa.”

No, that was not at all what I wanted to do to the poor woman while she was absorbed in her blissful honeymoon nest. I was sure that she would be fine with it, but still, that conversation was definitely reserved for a night with Bella and two bottles of wine. Hell, probably a night with Bella and Mom and six bottles of wine. I knew how that conversation would quickly turn into a description of his romantic ways, and the women would swoon around the room, never looking at poor Ryan the same ever again.

No, I had kept it to myself, assuming we would talk to our parents together when they returned. Instead, the relationship was cut off before it could really even begin, and I was left holding the bag. I wasn’t angry. I was brokenhearted, and I was actually glad that my mother didn’t know. I didn’t want pity at that moment. Well, I guessed self-pity didn’t count because I was bathing in that every night, that and about three pints of Ben & Jerry’s and at least three glasses of whiskey to top it off.

I motioned to the waitress for a bottle of wine and then decided to go with two, feeling the need for alcohol more than ever. I thought that being out and about, dressing up, doing my hair, and seeing my sister would make me feel better, but all it did was make the emotions even rawer than before. I decided that if I was going to be there, and I was going to have to eventually talk about Ryan and how I was feeling. I would need to drown my sorrows in more than just a little bit of wine. I knew alcohol wasn’t going to help in the long run, but soberly talking about Ryan in public was not going to happen without some serious ugly crying and having the attention of the whole restaurant drawn to our table.

“Seriously, I don’t understand you,” Bella said with a sigh. “You really care about this guy. You need to seriously put up way more of a fight than what you’re doing. I don’t mean fight yourself about one more glass of wine, either. I mean fight for love, girl. What would be the point of all of it if you weren’t willing to push for what you wanted?”

“But what about Kayla?” I asked. “The last thing I want to do is hurt that little girl. She has been through hell, and I don’t need to add to it.”

“No, see, you’re turning yourself into the villain here,” she said, shaking her head. “The real villain is her good-for-nothing mother. She has taken this happy-go-lucky, easy life and ruined her daughter and her ex-husband’s chance at happiness, and now, she is ruining your chance at happiness. She is a selfish bitch, and Kayla needs to understand that her father is not getting back together with her.”

“I understand what you’re saying,” I said. “But that decision is not mine to make. That is Ryan’s decision, and it is obvious that he’s doing everything he can to save her from any more harm.”

“No, what he is doing is saving her from hurt in the moment, not thinking about what it will be like when she gets older and realizes that everyone lied to her and she spent her whole youth watching out the window, waiting for a woman to come driving up that had no intention of coming back,” Bella replied. “You’re the one having to sacrifice here, and I am all about sacrificing for love, Alissa, but not when you’re the only one left out in the dust.”

“I’m not the only one,” I said. “Ryan didn’t want to break up with me. He just thought he was making the best decision.”

“I know, honey,” she said, leaning forward and grabbing my hand. “But every once in a while, it’s okay for the both of you to be a little selfish. Right now, the both of you are allowing someone else to take complete advantage of this situation. Christina knew that this would be hard on Kayla, and she knew Ryan would do anything to protect her. She doesn’t want him, but she doesn’t want anyone to have him. That is not fair to him or Kayla because that means she will never experience the amazingness of you in her life. God knows she needs all the caring and compassionate women she can get right now.”

“Ugh,” I said, leaning my head back. “I know. I just don’t know what to do about it. If I press him, he may think that I don’t care about Kayla at all and push me away. If I don’t press, he may forget all about me.”

“Girl, he is not going to forget about you.” She chuckled. “But you can’t wait around for him forever. That isn’t fair to you at all.”

I sighed and reached over for the bottle of wine. I poured myself another glass and glanced over to see if Bella needed refilling. At that moment, I realized that my dear, wine-loving sister didn’t even have a glass in front of her. I was so self-absorbed, I forgot to get her one. My mind was in complete disarray, and I wasn’t even able to remember to be a good sister. I felt like such an asshole. I sighed and set the bottle down, looking to the other side of the room to see if there were any empty, clean glasses on the tables around us. There wasn’t a single one.

“I know I can’t wait around,” I said, still looking around the room. “It’s only been a few weeks. I was really hoping that Kayla would calm down a bit and get back to being comfortable with me possibly being a part of their lives again. I honestly don’t think the girl knows the difference between dating and marriage. I feel like she thinks that automatically means I am taking her mother’s place, which is not my intention. No matter how much I hate Christina, she is her mother. I can’t break that, even if I wanted to.”

Bella shook her head and looked back down at her plate, forking her salad and eating quickly. She seemed like she was starving, which was probably why she forgot her glass. Still, the wine was always the thing that we reached for first, before even thinking about the food part of stuff. I didn’t know why I was obsessing about this so much, but it seemed off, and the last thing I wanted right then was more weirdness in my life. I needed her to share a glass of wine with me like we usually did. She always had at least one glass with dinner, if not more, and that did not count the drinks we always got into over dessert.

“Shit, I forgot to get you a glass,” I said, reaching my hand up.

“No,” she said, swallowing and shaking her head. “No, I’m fine. I’m not drinking tonight.”

“What? Don’t be crazy; this is our thing.” I laughed. “I don’t think I have ever seen you turn down a glass of wine.”

“I’m just not feeling like drinking,” she said, shrugging her shoulders and looking down at her almost empty salad plate.

“Wait,” I said, squinting at her. “Something isn’t right. I can feel it. What is going on? Did something happen with you and the hubby? No, that wouldn’t be right, because if that were the case, you would be drinking more than me right now.”

“You are being paranoid.” She laughed nervously. “Can’t a girl enjoy some time with her sister without getting wasted?”

“No.” I laughed. “Spill it. What’s going on?”

“Fine,” she said, putting her fork down and wiping her mouth with a smirk. “I’m pregnant.”

“What?” I got up and smiled, walking around the table and hugging my sister so tightly she groaned while everyone turned around and stared. “Sorry everyone. This is my lovely sister, and she just told me she is making me an aunt.”

Everyone clapped, and Bella covered her face with her napkin, embarrassed. Then, she uncovered her face and smiled at the people around us. My heart actually felt like it was working for the first time in weeks as I clapped my hands and crossed back over to my seat. I sat down and shook my head, a jovial giggle coming from my chest.

“That is amazing news,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was going to,” she said with a pitiful look. “But then you got here, and you looked tired and sad, and I knew how upset you were about Kayla and Ryan. I didn’t want to interrupt your amazing pouting session with something I could easily tell you later on.”

“Are you kidding me? That is like the most important news of my life.” I laughed. “I am going to be an aunt, and oh my God, you are going to be a mommy.”

“I know,” she said, smiling. “It is so crazy. He didn’t want me to tell anyone until the doctor gave the okay, just in case something happened, but I couldn’t keep that a secret from you.”

“I feel terrible that I let my weepiness hold you back from such amazing news,” I said, rubbing my cheeks. “Congratulations. That is so amazing, and look at that. My heart is beating again. It’s a miracle baby.”

“See, you just needed some light in your life,” she said, smiling as the food came.

She was right. I did need light in my life, and Ryan was exactly the way I wanted to receive it.