Chapter 20
Clarke is beside herself with guilt. For the past twenty four hours she hasn’t gotten out of bed. With the exception of Tim’s family lawyer, she refuses to speak to anyone outside of her house. She’s been inconsolable, and as much as Tim tries to comfort and reassure her, nothing works. Her depression has left her lethargic. The swelling of her eyes is the worst it’s ever been. This pain hurts worse than what she experienced when Eli left town the first time. It’s worse because back then it was accompanied by anger, while now it’s remorse.
She should have told him. She could have several times. Clarke had every opportunity to share the news. Eli would have been overjoyed. What’s done is done. It’s no use. Eventually a letter is going to show up in the mail and she’ll have to face a judge in court, because she knows Eli is going to want to see his kid. It’s inevitable.
After four days Tim has a stack of paperwork and business to attend to. He puts Tyler on the school bus and checks in on Clarke before heading out himself. She’s promised she’ll be better when he returns in the afternoon. Tyler has a play date, so it will give them a chance to discuss what happens next. The adoption is off the table. Tim hasn’t even brought it up. In Clarke’s eyes, he’s taken Eli’s defense and she can’t blame him for it. The man deserved to know he was a father from the very first moment Clarke realized he’d been kept in the dark and lied to.
She’s only home for about an hour before she’s clawing her way out of bed with a plan to make this right. Clarke quickly showers and dresses in clean clothes before getting in her car and making the trek to Eli’s house.
She can hear the banging of a hammer when she steps from her vehicle and approaches the kitchen door. An air gun goes off, causing her to jump. In the distance she can hear the radio playing a commercial. Without knocking, Clarke enters and follows the sound. She finds Eli with his back turned to her. He’s wearing a pair of cargo shorts with big knee pads wrapped around his legs, no shirt, and a pair of construction boots. The loud sounds were coming from the planks of hardwood floor he’s putting down in the living room. She stares at the dark mahogany color and admires it’s beauty. From the craftsmanship of what’s done so far she knows Eli is skilled with his hands. He’s obviously done this type of work before.
It occurs to her that she knows little about his life, other than him being in the Marine Corp. She knows that’s going to have to change if he’s planning on being a part of Tyler’s life. Eventually they’ll need to make rules together and figure out how to co-parent. It’s all new to Clarke. She’s never has to ask permission or consort with anyone regarding her son, until now.
Animosity overwhelms her as she stands there waiting to be noticed. It’s not long before Eli adjusts and sees her shadow. He turns abruptly, his shoulders rising as he takes her in. “Come to beg for forgiveness?”
“Is that what it’s going to take?” She questions.
He lets out a guffaw with the shake of his head. “I don’t know. At this point I really don’t.”
“I can say I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face. It won’t change the fact that we have a son; a beautiful, bright little boy, Eli. I wanted to tell you about him. Seeing you again, learning about why you left, it all took precedence over the topic of Tyler. You’re still reeling over your dad’s death, and then worried about Jonathan. I didn’t want to put more on your plate until I knew you could handle it. He’s not some random kid. I’ve done my best to shelter him from my problems. He’s finally found a good role model in Tim. We’re about to get married. I just needed more time.”
“What about the time wasted that I’ll never get back with him? What about your whole pregnancy? Feeling him move inside of your belly, being in the room when you delivered. I’ll never get that back. You took that from me and so much more. I would have stayed for him, for you, Clarke. Siobhan’s lies stripped me of everything. I have to live with that. I have to wake up every single day and know I wasn’t there for you. How do you think it makes me feel?”
Clarke shrugs. “Tell me what to do, Eli.”
“Let me be a father to my son. Give him my damn name for starters.”
Before Clarke can begin to think of how it will affect Tim, she replies, “done”.
“Just like that?”
Clarke tries to keep her eyes on Eli’s face, but they keep wandering over his broad bare chest. “I said I’d do anything. Hurting you wasn’t intentional. I really was planning on telling you.”
“How is your fiancé taking all of this?”
She shrugs. “He’s pretty neutral. He hates to see me sad, but he says it’s your right to want to be a part of Tyler’s life. The thing is, I never would have kept him from you. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to know his father; for him to have a dad.”
“Well he does now. I told my ex I’m not going back to Louisiana, and I’m not going to flip this house. I’m going to fix it up and make sure both of my kids have a place to stay with me.”
“Both of your boys,” she says out loud to remind herself that it’s not just Eli, but now Jonathan too. Tyler may never speak to her again. Even a five year old will need someone to blame. “How are you going to tell them?”
“First I need to make sure I have the test results back on Jonny, but after seeing your son, I mean, our son, it’s sort of unreal. They could be brothers.”
“Well, they probably are.”
He snickers. “Like I said, unreal. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m angry. I’m hurt. But I’m also so damn excited. I’ve been alone and felt like I was missing out for a long time. Coming home, seeing you again, learning about the boys, it’s all given me reasons to stay.”
Clarke reaches out and takes Eli’s hand. “You should have never left.”
Eli looks down before asking something that makes Clarke uncomfortable. “So this Tim guy, do you love him?”
She half shrugs. “Well, yeah. Why would you ask me that?”
“I just wanted to know if he’s going to cause a bigger problem.”
“He’s understanding. I don’t think you have to worry about him.”
“I’m not worried about him, Clarke. I’m worried for him. It’s going to suck once you realize that you’re still in love with me.”
“Eli,” she announces with a surprised tone to her voice.
“Don’t deny it. I knew the moment I saw you again.”
“Please don’t do this.” She backs away.
He takes a step toward her. “Don’t get married, Clarke. Help me sort this out. At least see if there’s something worth fighting for between us. We were robbed of our chance once, but fate wasn’t done with us. We made a child. That boy, he’s every part of my love for you. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about me every single time you looked into his eyes.”
She turns her body to shield him from seeing her reaction. She’s uncomfortable, but not because he’s pushing her to admit things she doesn’t feel. It’s because he might be right. “I can’t just end my relationship with Tim because you’re curious. Eli, I’m happy. He’s a good man.”
“Okay.” His hands go up. “I won’t push, but if you come to change your mind, make sure I’m the first to know.”
Eli picks up the nail gun and starts back on his task, as if to say he’s done with the conversation. Clarke places her hands on her hips and waits for the air compressor to shut off. “What are you doing Saturday?”
“Hopefully spending time with our son.”
She’s not used to hearing Eli refer to Tyler as theirs. It may take some getting used to. “I’ll bring him over around noon. I’m not trying to push you, but you might want to spend some time with him first before he meets Jonathan. I don’t want to overwhelm him.”
“Understood.”
“Ok. So does this mean you’ll call off your lawyer?”
“I’ve only had a consultation. I was holding out hope that you’d change your mind and come to your senses. I guess I still know you.”
“It seems so.”
“You sure you’re going to be able to handle seeing me so much?”
“Do I have a choice?”
He shakes his head. “No. I’m just worried you’re going to realize you’re with the wrong guy. Then it’s going to suck for you.”
Clarke shoos him as she turns to walk out. She doesn’t want to smile. In fact she should be annoyed. He’s gotten under her skin. He knew she’d come to him and she played right into his hand. It doesn’t help that she stares at him like a hungry wild animal. He frustrates her like no other, and just when she thinks she can conjure up a reason to hate him, she falls for his charm all over again.