Chapter 9

Adam

Nox is Phoenix. Nox is Phoenix. Nox is Phoenix. I can’t stop looking at him across the table as he devours his cheeseburger like it’s his last meal. I guess I’m not that surprised Nox is Phoenix. I’m more surprised that Phoenix is alive and sitting before me. I’ve spent all year believing he was dead, that I let him down.

“Are you freaking out?” Nox asks, wiping the back of his hand across his greasy lips. Somehow that’s more endearing than it should be.

The innocent way he’s looking at me reminds me he’s only twenty-two. He’s just a kid.

“A little bit,” I admit with a laugh before shoving a few fries into my mouth.

“It doesn’t change anything. I promise I won’t tell anyone anything you’ve told me.”

I shake my head and put my hand up to stop him.

“Oh, god, Nox that’s not the problem. I trust you. I’m just trying to get my head around the fact that I’ve been fucking heartbroken over the past year thinking I failed you like I failed Johnny.”

Nox’s face falls for a moment before he recovers with a fake smile.

“Mind if I ask you a question?” Nox asks.

“Of course.”

“I’m not judging or anything, because I’m a firm believer that everyone’s journey is their own but, why aren’t you out?”

“I mentioned Johnny to you but I never gave you the details. He was four years younger than me, and kind of a stereotype,” I smile remembering Johnny at six years old parading around the house in a pair of our mother’s red pumps and a feather boa. God knows where he even found that. “So, when he came out at fourteen it wasn’t a surprise to anyone. Then, Gage came out soon after. I knew I liked girls, but as I entered my middle teen years I couldn’t deny the part of me was also attracted to guys. It was confusing for me. In some ways I feel like it might have been easier to just be gay because at least then it would’ve been cut and dry. For a short period of time I had myself convinced my attraction to guys was just a weird phase because the two people closest to me were gay. And then Johnny started getting picked on at school and I thought it would be easier to keep that part of myself a secret. After all, I liked girls a hell of a lot so I didn’t think I’d feel like I was missing anything if I never explored that other side of my sexuality.” I pause, getting up the nerve for the next part.

“What happened to Johnny?” Nox asks, putting a hand over mine, seeming to sense my turmoil.

“He overdosed on Benzo’s which he’d apparently been abusing. We found a huge stash of them in his bedroom after he died. And, uh, we think it was on purpose. We found online chats saying he couldn’t stand feeling anything anymore and how badly he was being bullied.” My voice cracks as my throat tightens on the last words.

Nox’s hand on mine gives a gentle, comforting squeeze.

“You don’t have to keep going.”

“No, the hard part is over,” I assure him with a weak smile. “I felt guilty for a long time, like maybe if I’d told him what I was struggling with he wouldn’t have felt so alone. Maybe I could’ve gotten him help if my head wasn’t so far up my own ass. By the time I forgave myself for that I was twenty-five and the idea that I’d be okay never trying anything with a man was starting to fade. I really wanted to explore that side of myself. But, I still hadn’t told my best friend. That’s the holding pattern I’ve been in for four years now. I’ve felt too guilty about lying to Gage to go out and explore.”

“Why don’t you just tell him?” Nox asks.

“He’ll hate me. He’s not over Johnny’s death. They were together and Gage loved him so fucking much. He’s still not himself. I’m not sure if he’ll ever be the same again. If I tell him I’ve been lying to him all these years it’ll kill him.”

“So you’re never going to tell him?” Nox asks, eyebrows raised.

I shrug helplessly and Nox is kind enough to drop the subject.

 

 

When Nox and I get back to the apartment Gage is sitting on the couch watching Netflix. When he sees the two of us coming in together his eyebrows pull together in confusion.

“Oh, were you guys hanging out?”

“I was putting some ink on Nox, then we went out to grab a bite to eat.”

Gage grunts in acknowledgement before turning his attention back to the television.

“I’m going to sleep,” Nox announces awkwardly before shuffling off toward his room.

I stand beside the couch indecisively for several seconds. What I desperately want is to follow Nox to his room and hold him in my arms again. The way he melted against me when I hugged him at the restaurant rattled something inside me.

I can’t follow him, though. Firstly, it would be highly inappropriate. He’s my employee now. Not to mention, I can’t imagine he’s in any sort of place to want a relationship, physical or otherwise. And, secondly, how would I explain to Gage why I’m trailing our new roommate around the apartment like a lovesick puppy?

Instead, I plop down on the couch beside Gage and we watch LA Ink in silence.

 

 

Nox

Heathens Ink is busy most of the day Saturday, back to back with appointments and walk-ins. It feels good to be running around and learning so much.

Around noon Madden catches me between clients.

“Hey, I was wondering if you want to go grab lunch together down the street?”

“Uh...um...yeah, let me check with Adam real quick.” I can’t believe Madden wants to hang out with me. The only friend I’ve ever had was Amanda. “Hey, Madden invited me out to lunch. Do I have time for a break?”

Adam smiles.

“Yeah, that’s great. Go get to know Madden, have lunch, no rush.”

“Great, can I bring you anything back?” I offer, forcing my eyes not to roam over him as he reaches into the cabinet above his computer to grab a roll of paper towels. When his shirt rides up a few inches exposing a half inch of tempting skin I fail miserably.

“Can you bring me a turkey sandwich and fries?” He asks.

“Sure thing. I’ll see you in a bit.”

When I head back up front Madden is waiting for me, fiddling with his phone and leaning against the front desk.

We head down the street to a small cafe. I remember last night Adam mentioned that Madden is a recovering addict as well. It would be so great to have an accountability person. I’ve been having a surprisingly easy time since leaving rehab, but I know the time will come when my resolve will be tested.

“So, how are you doing with everything?” Madden gets right to the point once we’re seated.

“Surprisingly well.”

“Really? Because you don’t need to front to me. I don’t know if Adam would’ve mentioned it to you, I may not have track marks I’m still an addict through and through.”

“Yeah, he told me last night. No details or anything, just said that he believes in second chances.”

Madden nods and smiles.

“Yeah, I owe my life to that man,” Madden agrees. I do my best to ignore the niggle of jealousy. “If you want, you can come with to my support group I go to every week. It’s not strictly for drug addicts, but a number of people there are. It’s always good to have people who understand.”

“I’d love to come, thank you.”

“Getting settled in at Gage and Adam’s place?”

“Yeah…” I trail off, remembering the slightly hostile look I’d received from Gage last night when Adam and I got home. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Gage and Adam…?”

Madden nearly chokes on the water he just took a sip of before setting the glass down on the table and laughing out loud.

“Oh my god, no. What? No, definitely not.”

“Why is that so funny?” I bristle. Had no one else noticed the hostile protective vibe Gage had going on when it came to Adam?

“They’re like brothers. Plus, Adam is straight. And, I’m almost positive Gage is still in love with Adam’s dead brother.”

“Oh.” I reach for my own glass of water. Obviously I’m not going to correct the ‘straight’ thing, but the rest of it seems valid enough.

“Oh my god, you have a little crush on Adam, don’t you?” Madden teases.              

I feel the heat in my cheeks as I cast my gaze around for a waitress to come take our order and interrupt us.

“It’s okay, I had a little crush on him when I first started at Heathens, too.”

“You did?”

“Well, yeah, it’s hard not to. He’s got that whole lumbersexual thing going on and he’s just such a good person. Plus, how can you not crush on a man who’s saved your life. As I’m saying that I realize I might have a bit of a savior complex. I’m engaged to a man who rescued me during a mass shooting at a club last year.” Madden flashes a silver ring in my direction with pride.

“Holy shit, I remember seeing that on the news. You were there?”

“Yeah. I took a few bullets and I won’t bore you with the details of my recovery but it was quite dramatic. There was a character arch, struggles to face, even a surprising, emotional twist. But I got my Happily Ever After.”

I chuckle and decide I think I like Madden. I did it, I made a new friend.

“Well, I can’t say I have a hero complex, per se, but it would be nice to date a guy who’s nice to me for a change,” I admit, adding a laugh to keep the comment from coming off as too dark. The pitying look Madden gives me suggests I missed the mark.

“He’s out there,” Madden assures me.

 

When we get back to Heathens, Royal is keeping an eye at the front desk chatting with a teenage boy.

“Hey Nox, I want you to meet Liam. He hangs out here a lot so don’t mind him,” Royal introduces me to the boy. “He’s my son.”

My mouth falls open at the declaration before I can try to school my features. It doesn’t seem like there’s more than seven years between them, how can Royal be his dad?

“Oh my god, Royal, you’re so embarrassing,” Liam rolls his eyes in true teenager fashion. “He’s my brother, my legal guardian, and a total idiot.”

I laugh and shake my head as Royal and Liam argue back and forth.

I stretch my arms over my head, working a kink out of my back and suddenly Liam and Royal are silent. I glance down and realize my shirt pulled up and exposed the extensive scarring on my lower abdomen. I feel heat creeping into my cheeks as I tug my shirt back down.

“That looks rough, your dick didn’t get burned off did it? That would suck,” Royal jokes.

I open my mouth to tell him that, thank god, my dick is perfectly fine. But Liam spins on Royal and socks him in the shoulder.

“Dude, that is so fucking rude. You don’t just go around asking random people about their genitals.”

Royal’s smile falls and he shoots me an apologetic look.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. And, my dick is just fine, thanks for your concern,” I deadpan.

Owen walks through the front door and Liam’s eyes bug out of his head before he plasters on a bored expression.

“Hey, Owen,” Liam greets him with a nod before casting his gaze down and fiddling with his t-shirt.

“Hey, man,” Owen greets with a smile, holding up his fist for a bump as he passes. “You got some new photography to show me?”

“Uh, yeah,” Liam says, smiling and nodding. The way he’s looking at Owen like he invented oxygen is kind of adorable.

Royal clears his throat and then shoots Liam a warning glance.

“I’m going to find Adam and see what he’s got planned for me for the rest of the day,” I say, sensing unresolved family issues.

 

 

Adam

There’s a light rap at my door and I call out for whoever is there to come in.

“Hey, I’ve got your sandwich,” Nox says holding up a takeout box. “I also brought you a chocolate chip cookie.”

“Oh man, you’ve discovered my Kryptonite.” I wave him in and reach for the food he’s got for me.

“Always good knowledge to have,” Nox teases.

As he passes me the food our fingers brush and a small thrill goes through me. Little does he know, he might be another of my weaknesses.

“What’s red and bad for your teeth?” I set up an anti-joke I saw earlier, remembering how Phoenix and I used to trade morbid humor and terrible jokes over chat.

“What?”

“A brick.”

“Oh my god, that joke is the worst,” Nox complains but laughs anyway.

There’s something about his laugh that does funny things to my chest.

“Alright funny guy, why don’t you tell me a joke?”

“What’s red and smells like blue paint?” Nox asks.

“What?”

“Red paint.”

“And you think my jokes are bad?” I shake my head in mock disappointment.

 

The afternoon flies by as quickly as the morning had with a combination of appointments and walk-ins filling up my schedule all the way until closing time.              

While Nox and I clean up my workspace Gage pops his head in.

“Hey, I’m going to be heading over to Rainbow House tonight, won’t be home ‘til late.”

“Okay, tell everyone I say hi and that I’ll do my best to stop by soon.”

“Is Rainbow House a bar or something?” Nox asks once Gage is gone.

“No, it’s a halfway house for LGBTQ teens who don’t have anywhere to go.”

Nox’s lips part on a quiet gasp and his eyes glaze over slightly.

“That’s so amazing. You volunteer to help homeless LGBTQ teens?”

“It’s no big deal,” I shrug off the awe in his voice. I love working with the kids down at R.H., but it’s not enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

“It is a big deal. You are like a real-life superhero,” Nox insists.

I feel myself blush and wave off his praise.

“I’m no superhero,” I argue. “I’m just doing what I can so no one has to feel as helpless and alone as Johnny did.”

“I’m going to have to think of a superhero name for you,” Nox carries on as though he didn’t hear my protest. “Hmm, let’s see...what about lumberjack man?”

“What? That’s terrible, what would my super power even be?”

“The ability to chop wood super-fast.”

“I feel like there’s a sexual innuendo in there somewhere.”

Nox barks out a laugh.

“I’d love to go help out at Rainbow House sometime,” Nox says casually, but his expression is anything but. I can tell it would mean a lot to him to help some kids who are in a position he’s familiar with. 

“Do you mind my asking how you ended up on the streets? Were your parents dicks about the gay thing or what?”

“It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable. I was being nosey, forget I even asked,” I backpedal, realizing what a dick question that was. 

“No, it’s cool. My mom was a junkie and a prostitute, dad was some John I assume. We were on and off the street my whole life. Mom would get clean for a little while, we’d get an apartment, and I’d think finally, we’re like normal people. But, it never lasted long. Six months to a year later she’d be using again. We weren’t always homeless, only about a quarter of the time. Then when I was sixteen my mom overdosed. I’d heard enough horror stories about the system to know I had to disappear before I ended up in it. By that point I’d already been...doing what I had to survive so it wasn’t all that new. I had a good friend who took care of me, and I learned to get by.”

“Wow.” I gaze in awe of the small man standing in front of me. At first glance you’d think he’s fragile, maybe a little femme, you might wrongly assume he’s weak. But fuck if he isn’t made of steal.

“What happened to your friend?” I ask, almost afraid to hear the answer. These stories don’t tend to end in a Happily Ever After.

“She was murdered,” Nox says, his voice cracking on the last word. Then he clears his throat and goes on. “And you know the rest of my sob story. I’m hoping Tobey Maguire will play me in the Lifetime movie adaptation.”

“You can do way better than Tobey Maguire. I’d say you’re more of a Zac Efron before he got on steroids. Oh, or Joseph Gordon Levitt, he’s sexy cute like you are.”

Nox laughs again and I realize how forward I’m being but it’s too late to back off now without looking like an idiot.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“So, uh, what are you feeling for dinner?”

“I’m up for whatever. I vote we just grab some food and watch a good movie.”

“That sounds awesome,” I agree, trying not to notice that’s exactly the perfect scenario I described for Nox as Phoenix when he asked about what a night with my ideal partner would look like.

 

 

I strip out of my clothes and dive between my cool sheets. I wrap my arms around my body pillow and hug it close like a lover.

Nox and I had a fun night together, watching Will Ferrell movies and eating a frozen lasagna I made.

I never would’ve thought that Phoenix would be exactly as he presented himself in real life. Most people put a different persona forward when they’re behind a computer screen. But Nox is every bit as funny, surprising, and easy to talk to as Phoenix was.

Even though I shouldn’t, I can’t stop myself from mentally replacing the pillow in my arms with Nox in my mind, spooned against me in the dark.

My cock stirs as I imagine kissing and licking along the back of Nox’s neck while I tease my erection between the cheeks of that perfect bubble butt he has. I wonder if Nox only likes to bottom? Or does he prefer to top? Maybe he’s up for either.

A spike of heat goes through me at the thought of Nox dominating me, tying my hands and fucking me like he owns me.

I drag in a ragged breath as lust heats in the pit of my stomach, my cock now fully hard against my pillow.

I roll forward and reach into my nightstand in search of relief from the burning need now coursing through me. My hand lands on my dildo and I grab it along with the bottle of lube I have stashed in there.

Slicking my fingers I reach back and gently tease my hole. My cock pulses against the pillow between my legs as I imagine Nox’s fingers stroking me open.

I bite down on my pillow to stifle a moan as I slip a finger inside, prepping myself for my dildo. My mind returns to the fantasy of being handcuffed by Nox, completely at his mercy. Maybe he’d take his time, torturing me until I’m begging for his dick.

I reach for my lube again and coat my dildo.

I close my eyes and picture Nox kneeling between my legs, the head of his cock nudging against my entrance until he’s able to ease inside.

I angle my toy correctly and slowly fuck myself, my mind still stuck on the fantasy of Nox inside me.

I bite down on my tongue in an attempt to keep myself quiet. The need inside me burns brighter.

“Fuck me harder,” I tell the Nox in my mind as I impale myself harder, faster.

My free hand wraps around my dripping cock and I jerk myself in time with the thrusts. In my mind Nox looks down on me with a feral hunger.

“I want to feel you come inside me, please.”

My whole body tenses as white hot pleasure courses through my veins. Cum splashes forcefully against my abs and chest as I pant and whimper through my orgasm, wishing like hell Nox was here with me.

The afterglow is interrupted by my need to clean up. I grab a rag off my floor and wipe myself off and then wrap it around my dildo before shoving it in my drawer so that I can remember to clean it before I use it again.