CHAPTER 2

 

Joel felt the world fall away around him. All that existed was Lucas and the words that had just shattered his existence completely. So many thoughts rushed through his head, none making much sense but all hurting like hell. Lucas wanted to go back home. He wasn’t staying. How could Joel have been so stupid as to think this would last? A man like Lucas would never be satisfied with someone like him. What did he have to offer? And way out in nowhere? They were too different, their worlds too far apart. There was nothing for Lucas here. Of course, it didn’t exactly help Lucas fiercely missed his family and as to some extent his job. It shouldn’t come as such a surprise to him that he would want to go home. They’d had their fun and now it was time to move on. He should have been better prepared for this.

Still, it hurt immensely. Joel sat down on the bed with his back to Lucas, not being able to look at him or have him meet his eyes. His chest felt weird, constricted. As if he couldn’t get enough air in and didn’t know what to do about it. He had expected to cry at a time like this, but instead, he was empty. Hollow. Maybe it was shock, he thought briefly to himself. He felt the bed move under him and realized Lucas had moved on the bed. Trying to steel himself against the hurt, he sat unmovingly and didn’t turn to Lucas. If he didn’t say anything or do anything, maybe it would all go away.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before, but I needed to think about this.” Lucas spoke in a low voice, underlining the sad nature of this conversation. “I know I said I didn’t want to work at the firm anymore and that settlement payment took care of my monetary needs for quite some time, but it’s getting a bit boring not having anything to do out here. I’m not cut out for writing. I can’t seem to find any other occupation. There’s a limit to how many parties I can plan or how many walks I can take with Koda. I want to go back. I think I need to go back or I’ll go crazy.”

Joel had no response to those words, his mind all blank. Shouldn’t he have the perfect answer to make Lucas stay? Maybe he was blank because he knew it was the truth? They sat so close but without touching on the bed, the heat from Lucas’ body reflecting off him. Still, they were worlds apart at this moment. So far away from each other Lucas might as well already have left for the US. Joel stared in front of him, down on the floor. He noticed the carpet needed cleaning.

“I understand. I’m just surprised right now, but I know you haven’t been happy.” He tried to keep his voice level and not give in to his urge to beg Lucas to stay, to give him just a little more time with him.

“Joel…” Lucas tried to interrupt him, but Joel shook his head and continued.

“No, let me finish. I know you want more from life and I can’t offer that to you. I know that. I guess I should be happy for these past months. They’ve been the best of my life.” Tears started gathering in his eyes, but he fought them off. No crying. Be strong and mature. Even if it felt like he was being torn apart from within. Desperate claws of despair shredding him completely.

“You don’t understand.” Lucas sounded so calm and together. Then again, he was the one walking away. He had made up his mind and decided this wasn’t good enough. Joel wasn’t good enough.

“Yes, I do. I really do. You’ve given me so much and I’m grateful. I just have to accept that I have to let you go.” Before he could stop it, a single tear left his right eye and rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away quickly, but Lucas had already noticed.

“Let me go?” Lucas suddenly got off the bed and went around crouching in front of him. “What are you talking about?” He put his hands on Joel’s thighs, looking up at him and holding his gaze. Joel wanted to look away but felt compelled to meet Lucas’ eyes. As if it was now a contest. Who could be more grown up about this breakup? 

“Well, I would have to, wouldn’t I? If you leave? I mean let’s not kid ourselves with some kind of long-distance thing. It wouldn’t work.” Joel swallowed hard and managed to keep his eyes trained on Lucas. He struggled to maintain some of his pride and not beg Lucas to stay. It was hard, though. “It’s better to have a clean break. Just part as friends.”

“But you don’t understand! I don’t want to break up with you!” Lucas shook his head and smiled at him while squeezing his thighs gently. 

Joel frowned in his confusion. Lucas wasn’t making any sense to him.

“I don’t think it’ll work with you there and me here…” He ran a hand through his hair, maybe to have something to do, to divert all the emotions rushing through him.

Lucas reached out and grabbed his hand. The skin on skin contact was both reassuring and heartbreaking. How he would miss those simple touches…

“No! Stop being so depressing! I want you to come with me!” To underline his words, Lucas tugged slightly at his hand.

Unable to comprehend what Lucas actually meant, Joel chose to be silent. Come with him? What did that mean? It was as if he and Lucas were speaking two different languages, neither getting through to the other.

“But how?” Feeling curious won over the desire to not appear stupid, so he dared to ask even if he was unclear about what the answer would be.

“What do you mean how? I want you to go with me to the US, so we can be together for the duration of the trial. You’ve never been there, right? It would be perfect!” The beaming expression on Lucas’ face was almost comical, but he was still too unsure of where this conversation would end up to be able to smile at him.

“But Grandpa? My job? Koda?” Instead of feeling happy about possibly going to New York and experience Lucas’ hometown, he couldn’t help but see obstacles. So many questions filled his head. The one overriding them all was that this somehow was just a way to break up with him without having to actually break up with him. Perhaps Lucas counted on him not being able to leave?

“I thought of that too. Grandpa and Anita are going to be just fine. Koda can probably stay with Lars for a few months or we can look up how to bring her with us. You can perhaps get a leave of absence. I checked. Of course, I will be working and it will be pretty intense with long days and nights sometimes. But it will be an adventure for us. You and me! Together in New York! Just say you’ll come…”

Lucas fell silent and watched him with apprehension all over his face. Joel thought about what he had said and it was finally starting to sink in. Could it be true? Lucas wasn’t leaving him, he only wanted to leave Sweden and Kiruna. The relief he felt made him start laughing. Lucas joined him, even if it was clear he didn’t understand what Joel was laughing about. He leaned forward and placed his hands on either side of Lucas’ face. Then he kissed him, a short but intense kiss. Resting his forehead against Lucas’, he blinked away a few more tears that threatened to fall.

“I thought you were leaving me…” It took a lot of effort for him to not start crying for real, but his words were nonetheless filled with all the emotional turmoil he’d been going through during their talk.

“But, Joel, I love you. Why would I leave you? Silly boy.” Lucas let his mouth connect with Joel’s again. Rising up and still kissing, he gradually pushed Joel backward onto the bed, until he was lying on top of Joel who enjoyed the shivers of excitement from having his man pin him down. Lucas ground down against him in slow, undulating movements, and he couldn’t stop the grunt that escaped him. He could feel how hard Lucas was getting even through the multiple layers of fabric in their pants.

“Would I ever leave this?” Lucas breathy question betrayed his intent, just as clearly as his rubbing motion. Leaning in and kissing Joel, Lucas let him feel his entire body weighing him down, making him feel safe. The kiss grew in intensity, leaving both men panting as Lucas reared his head up to look at Joel. When their eyes met, they both knew what they needed right then.

Lucas scooted down and started unbuttoning Joel’s pants. Getting rid of them and discovering Joel was already hard, Lucas looked up at Joel. He stuck out his tongue and licked along the underside of Joel’s cock. Joel groaned and thrust upwards as if trying to prolong the contact with that warm, wet tongue.

“I could never be apart from this.” As if to emphasize his words, Lucas took Joel’s shaft in his mouth. Joel tried to buck into that amazing mouth, but Lucas held him down as if to tell him to stay in place. Going teasingly slow, he worked Joel over with his warm, wet mouth and tongue. Lucas leisurely licked his shaft and sucked his balls, drawing moans and gasps from him. After pushing Joel’s legs up and apart, Lucas’ hand took hold of the hard cock and stroked it, while he let the tip of his tongue work further down, making Joel squirm. As he reached Joel’s hole, Lucas flicked his tongue repeatedly while continuing working his hand up and down until Joel had to beg for more.

“Oh… Oh…Please, I want you in me.” Joel panted the words as he grasped the sheets below him.

Letting go of him momentarily, Lucas grinned up at him.

“You do, do you? I better get you ready then!”

That tongue returned to its business, licking him all over, teasing him. When Joel felt the tip enter him, he couldn’t stay still any longer. He flipped himself over and rose up on his knees, effectively pushing his ass in Lucas’ face. He could hear Lucas chuckle behind him and knew he was acting desperate, but he didn’t care.

“I want you in me!” Joel grabbed a pillow and pulled in under him, resting on it with his arms and upper body.

“So bossy tonight… I kind of like it. Just don’t get used to it.” Lucas slapped his ass with the palm of his hand. Not very hard, but it stung. Joel felt a tremor go through his body and spread his legs wider, his cock twitching between his legs. Without letting the words pass by his brain, he instinctively issued another order.

“Again!” Realizing what he had said, he froze and looked over his shoulder at Lucas. Silently, their eyes conveyed all they wanted and needed to say. What had just happened? Did he really want to go there? Did Lucas want to do this?

Lucas let his right-hand caress Joel’s ass, softly and slowly, without breaking eye contact. Joel whined and pushed his ass back against the hand. Apparently, his body had decided for him. He wanted this. His need for it, whatever it was, burned all through him.

Deliberately slow, as if to give him time to protest, Lucas raised his hand and let it fall on his ass once more. Slightly harder this time. The momentary hurt had his cock leaking but it wasn’t nearly enough. It only made him want more. He buried his head in the pillow and arched his back, tilting his ass up towards Lucas.

“Again!” His groan was barely audible as he spoke into the pillow below him, but Lucas seemed to be listening eagerly. “Harder!”

Suddenly, it was as if Lucas was finally clued into his need and he could feel the change in the man standing on his knees on the bed behind him. The way Lucas positioned him as he wanted him, nudging his legs further apart, pushing his head down and getting his ass to stick out more.

Then he hit him. Repeatedly now, over and over again. Harder too, which surprisingly quick made Joel’s skin sting quite intensely and he soon had trouble catching his breath due to the mounting pain. Overriding all of this was the intense feeling of pleasure flooding him. Joel couldn’t make sense of what he was experiencing. How could pain feel this good? From the constant moaning and the precum pooling on the bed below him, there was no room for doubt. He ached for release and reached for his cock, but Lucas grabbed his hand.

“I’m not done with you. Grab the headboard.”

Joel groaned, but obeyed and pushed the pillow out of the way as he reached for the bed frame. Holding on to something made it easier to not touch himself. Lucas kept spanking him, letting the blows rain down over him. His ass burned but still, he begged for more. Feeling the telltale tingles along his spine and in his balls, he knew he was about to come. How was it even possible to come from being spanked?

“Please, I can’t hold back. Lucas, I need you. I need to come.”

Lucas stopped his ministrations for a few moments and Joel could feel him get into position. He willed himself to relax because if it took much longer he would come before they even got started and he really wanted to come with Lucas fucking him tonight.

Lucas sank into him with one smooth move and Joel moaned at the feeling of being breached, while he tried to push himself back to get more of Lucas inside quicker. When Lucas resumed spanking him while he leisurely glided back and forth inside him, Joel had to let go of the bed and get up on his hands. Using his arms and legs, he increased the tempo in his own thrusts. He needed more. Harder and faster. He needed to get fucked.

“Yeah, that’s it. Show me how much you want it. Fuck yourself on my cock…” Lucas was breathing hard now.

Smack, smack, smack. The blows kept coming.

It was too much, too good. When Lucas reached down and started stroking him, he couldn’t hold back for more than a few moments.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” He could only pant the words, but he knew Lucas had heard him since he sped up and gave him a few extra hard smacks. Shaking all over, he came in a way that made him dizzy and left his head spinning. It was as if he suddenly was lighter than air and almost slipped out of himself or more accurately hid deep inside. Perhaps he was just about to pass out.

He could feel Lucas joining him soon after with a few erratic thrusts and a low groan. Panting, they collapsed side by side on the bed. Joel had to focus on the room to stop spinning before he could even think of speaking. He felt Lucas trail his fingers over his buttocks.

“Was that ok? I didn’t hurt you too much?” Kissing his shoulder, Lucas tried to hold his gaze. Joel found it difficult to keep his eyes open as the strange sensation of lightness still pervaded his body and he really only wanted to hold on to that feeling. He wasn’t ready to talk yet, wasn’t ready to analyze the experience. Since Lucas kept looking at him, obviously expecting an answer, Joel made an effort to focus.

“No, it was fine… I just never thought I’d…” Joel trailed off, slightly embarrassed about what had happened. What had actually happened?

“What? That you’d like to get spanked like a naughty boy?” The teasing tone of Lucas’ voice had Joel suddenly feeling stupid and confused. He sat up in the bed, turning away from Lucas. The rustling of sheets told him Lucas was moving too and moments after strong arms enveloped him from behind.

“What’s the matter? I thought we were just playing as usual? Joel, please look at me…” The cajoling words were followed by soft kisses all over his neck and upper back. Joel shivered and tilted his head to give Lucas more room. Taking the opportunity, Lucas kissed his way up the side of his neck and started nibbling on his ear.

“I would never hurt you. Unless you want me too.” Lucas murmured in his ear, taking the time to give it a few licks.

“It’s just that I don’t even know where all this is coming from.” Joel sighed. “You must think I’m some kind of freak.”

“What are you saying? Why would I think that?” Lucas sounded confused and hugged him closer.

“Well, there’s the ropes and cuffs, the toys and now this! I’ve never done anything like this before! But you must think…” Joel was blushing and couldn’t stand to look at Lucas, so sure he would laugh at him. Instead, he felt Lucas lift his chin and turn his head gently making him meet his eyes. What he saw was no teasing, no ridicule or laughter. Only concern and tenderness.

“Joel, I guess I’ve never told you how proud I am that you trust me enough to tell me what you want, what you need. I love that you are so open to trying new things, even if it’s something you’re hesitant about. I love that you can surrender to the moment with me and simply let go, giving yourself over. It’s not so easy, but you do it over and over. You give yourself to me and it’s amazing. You’re amazing!”

A soft kiss seemed to end the conversation as far as Lucas was concerned. Joel thought about what he had said. Somehow, it made sense. Still, he was surprised by his discovery tonight. The bondage had been a fantasy for a long time, just never tried in real life. What happened tonight was another thing altogether… He guessed spanking was the correct term, even if it felt strange. In all of his fantasies, he had never wished for anyone to hit him. Hurt him. He was so opposed to violence, that it made no sense for him to actually enjoy it in bed. The thoughts in his head went round and round, always stopping at the same conclusion. This was something he would need to think about for a while. Not now, though. Now he wanted or rather needed to sleep, curled up next to Lucas. He had a feeling he would sleep much better now that he wasn’t afraid of Lucas suddenly giving him some awful news.

He lay down next to Lucas, as usual making sure he could snuggle in with his nose in the crook of Lucas’ neck. Letting his mind drift freely, he briefly wondered if there would be marks on his ass tomorrow. Would anyone else see them? There was practice in the afternoon, which meant he would shower with the rest of the team. He was still a little sore, his skin stinging slightly. Much to his surprise, the idea of having Lucas’ marks on his body made him strangely proud.

Then without warning the real reason for Lucas’ weird mood came back to him, pushing the more pleasant thoughts out of his mind. Lucas wanted to go to the US to work and have him come with him. Could he do it? Leave home? Go to the US? Was that something he would be able to do? Was it even something he wanted to do? Sure, Lucas said it was for a short period, but he would probably have to quit his job. Since experienced police officers weren’t exactly in abundance, he was pretty sure he could get his job back when they returned. But still. Quitting the police force was a big step. He would, in fact, be quitting his lifelong dream. His job had become such a big part of his personality. He had been Joel the cop for practically all of his adult life.

And then there was the issue of Grandpa. He didn’t feel good about leaving him behind like that. Then again, bringing him across the Atlantic wasn’t an option either. Though he supposed Lucas was right. With the old man in the assisted living facility, the day to day things would be ok. Grandpa wasn’t lonely these days either. In addition, Joel would be on the east coast, meaning a trip home wouldn’t take forever if something happened. Of course, they would have to have a discussion about this, but he was sure Grandpa would be supportive no matter what he chose to do. Maybe he could get Grandpa to learn how to skype?

The thoughts kept running through his mind and he had trouble falling asleep that night. When he did, he dreamt strange dreams of him running to get somewhere, but in his dream, he didn’t know where he was going. He only knew it was imperative he got there. Suddenly, he came up to a door. Panting from his run and shaking with exertion, he tried to get the door open. It was stuck and he had to pull very hard. When it finally gave way, he fell backward and ended up on his back staring up at a pale blue sky. A shadow leaned over him.

“Joel?” The figure held out a hand and he saw it was Lucas, smiling at him. He gratefully grabbed the extended hand and got to his feet aided by Lucas.

“Joel.” He tried to respond, but couldn’t get any words out. His mouth felt like it was filled with cotton, making it impossible to work his tongue.

“Joel!” The voice was louder now and it ripped through the fabric of the dream, making it distort and stretch like cobwebs, not willing to split but instead stubbornly clinging to him, sticking to him. He needed to wake up…

Abruptly, he sat up in bed, now somewhat awake and very disoriented. Lucas sat beside him and was gently shaking him by the shoulder.

“Hey, you’re dreaming.” Lucas looked worried. He reached up and ran his hand over Joel’s hair. “Bad one?” Without anything else being said, they both knew he was referring to the dreams they had both been suffering from since that day before Christmas when Joel was shot. Therapy had helped a lot, but they could still on occasion wake up in a cold sweat. 

“No, not really, just weird. I was so lost and trying to find my way somewhere.” Joel thought about the dream for a moment and then he realized what it had been about. ”I was trying to get home.”

Turning to Lucas, Joel leaned in and let himself be pulled down to lie next to Lucas. He rested his head just below Lucas’ chin and listened to the thud thud thud of his heart.

“And did you?” The words rumbled in Lucas’ chest, tickling his ear, while Lucas continued to caress him with long, comforting strokes. As he began to calm down, Joel knew the answer.

“Yes. I found my way home. It was you. I found you.” Raising his head, he looked into Lucas’ eyes and saw all the love the man had for him, clearly visible without question.

All his doubt and indecision suddenly vanished and he knew what he wanted to do. What he had to do.