CHAPTER 3

 

After sleeping tighter together than they had since the days following the shooting, Joel got up early the next morning. He for some reason felt it imperative to find time to talk to Grandpa before his shift started. Maybe this need came from him being just a tiny bit afraid he would change his mind if too much time passed after their amazing night and also that odd dream. Joel couldn’t shake the idea that his subconscious had been trying to tell him something. He just hoped he had understood correctly. He so wanted this. It had been so clear for him when he woke up after his dream. If Lucas was going home, he would follow. Following his love across the Atlantic couldn’t be wrong, right?

For once, he was scheduled to start work at noon, which was perfect since it gave him time to explain things to Grandpa without any rush. When talking to Grandpa, he would focus on the short period of time they were planning to stay in the US. Six months was the predicted period for the court proceedings and that would pass before they knew it. Hardly any time at all. At least, that’s what he told himself so he wouldn’t sound unsure in front of Grandpa. He didn’t want to think about the big what if. What if Lucas decided he wanted to stay longer? What would happen then? Joel decided he would cross that bridge if or when he came to it. They would work it out. Besides, Lucas had sworn it was just for a limited time.

Walking into the assisted living facility where Grandpa lived almost next door to Anita, he couldn’t help feeling nervous. How would Grandpa react to the news? First, Joel had just about made it clear he didn’t want to live with him anymore, even if it was, in fact, Grandpa’s idea to actually move out. Now, he would be telling him he was leaving, and for the US no less. So far away. Practically the other side of the world. No matter how excited Grandpa was about moving in together with Anita, he was bound to be upset about Joel’s decision. Because his decision was made, wasn’t it?

The walk through the softly colored hallways decorated with paintings of different birds and other wild animals seemed endless and the echoing sound of his shoes struck him as ominous in the near silent building. Should he turn around now? Just forget the whole thing? Shaking his head at his own indecision, he noticed he was already standing outside Grandpa’s door. He knocked twice on it and could hear faint rustling sounds from inside. Picturing Grandpa shuffling towards the door, hunched over and frail, made him feel pangs of sadness over leaving the old man. Maybe this was a bad idea? Maybe he should just tell Lucas he would have to stay and wait for him here?

When the door swung open, it wasn’t Grandpa opening it. Anita was standing there wrapped in her morning robe, holding it tightly closed with her hand just below her chin. With her other hand, she was busy trying to get her uncharacteristically unruly hair to flatten down in the back. Joel thought she looked oddly flushed.

“Oh, hello Joel! So nice to see you! Come in!” She spoke fast, the words leaving her in a rush while she gestured towards the small couch in front of the TV as if to get him inside quickly. ”He’ll be right out. He’s just…”

Turning from him without even finishing her sentence, she hastily made her way back to the bedroom, only to be met halfway by Grandpa. Giving each other a little kiss and a hesitant smile, they parted and Anita disappeared into the bedroom. Grandpa glanced at him and then slowly made his way over, tucking in his shirt and doing up his pants as he walked. Joel thought it looked a bit strange for Grandpa to be getting dressed in a hurry like that when it suddenly hit him. He had interrupted them. As in ‘interrupted’ them. Mortified by his own discovery, Joel didn’t know where to look. He only knew he could not look Grandpa in the eyes right now. He was sure his face burned with what must have been an impressive blush. Flustered, he started to speak to break the weird mood between them.

“I’m sorry to be here so early, but I have something I need to tell you and it sort of couldn’t wait. Even if I guess I should perhaps have waited until later, just so you wouldn’t be inconvenienced and…” Once he started, he couldn’t stop the words flowing out of him, even if he realized he was rambling and rather incoherently at that.

“Joel, slow down.” Grandpa held up a hand. “I can’t hear what you’re saying. What’s the rush, my boy? I’m not going anywhere.”  The old man tilted his head to the side as if prepared to listen.

Joel took a deep breath, making an effort to collect himself. So what if Grandpa and Anita were… active… It was a good thing, right? Yes, definitely a good thing. He exhaled.

“You’re right. I’ll start again.” He went over to the small, dark grey couch and sat down. Grandpa followed him, sitting down across from him in a slightly worn but comfortable looking armchair. “Lucas is going back home.”

As the words registered, Grandpa’s face fell and Joel could tell he made the same assumption as he had made, so he hurried to continue.

“No, it’s not that we’re breaking up or anything.” Here came the hard part. There was no putting it off now. He just had to get it out. “I’m going with him.” Joel held his breath after saying the last part.

The silence between them was filled with questions, but Joel couldn’t detect any sadness or anger. He waited for Grandpa to speak first.

“When are you leaving?” In those simple words, Joel could feel all the acceptance and understanding from the old man sitting in front of him. The anxiety he had harbored left him and what remained were only the jittery feelings born from his plan to actually leave. Leave everyone and everything he knew for something new and unknown.

“I don’t know. We haven’t made any plans yet, but soon. He needs to be home before the beginning of October.” Joel went on to explain the reason for their trip to the US.

“So I won’t be gone for very long. Just six months. And I will come home to visit and we can speak on the phone or I’ll teach you to Skype.”

“Joel, you don’t have to make excuses for yourself and Lucas. I’ve told you before that you should live your life now. Not shadow mine. I mean it.” He reached over and patted Joel’s knee. “I will miss you very much, my boy, but it will be ok. I’m not alone and as you said we can still talk. Anita does that skype thing with her grandkids all the time, so don’t you worry about that either.” The old man was so calm it spilled over to Joel who felt more and more relieved as the conversation went on. He still didn’t entirely like the idea of leaving, though, and had to voice his concern.

“I’m just worried something will happen and I won’t be here…” He lowered his eyes, not wanting Grandpa to see his eyes tearing up, see his apprehension.

“I’m an old man. Something could happen tomorrow and you wouldn’t be here right at that moment. I’ve had a long, good life. You are my pride and joy. I’ve wanted to see you happy for so long and now you finally are. Knowing that is all I need.” Grandpa sighed and when he continued his tone had changed, now being tinged by something Joel couldn’t place. It sounded like regret or guilt, but that didn’t make sense. “Maybe that’s where you’ve been headed all along. America. You never got to have your American adventure before with that hockey team, even though you could have if it weren’t for me…”

Hearing those last words had Joel snap his head and stare at his grandpa. He had known all along? All this time? Known Joel had turned down an offer to go pro in the NHL just because he felt he couldn’t leave him? They had never discussed why Joel stayed home and Joel had always thought he had kept his secret well. Apparently not.

“But… You knew?” He had to ask to remove any room for doubt that they were talking about the same thing. “You knew my knee wasn’t the problem?”

“Of course I knew and at the time I was selfish enough to let you make that choice…” Grandpa said in a low tone. “I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you too…”

The sadness in his voice made it hard to breathe. It had been a terrible time, with his mother dying not long before his tryouts. Joel realized Grandpa probably hadn’t said anything before due to guilt. 

“No, it was my choice! I’ve never regretted it.” He didn’t want Grandpa to feel guilty for even a second.

“Joel…” Through one soft spoken word, Grandpa made it clear he would not be lied to.

“Ok, yes maybe a little, but it was the right thing to do.” He reached over and took his hand. “You have always been more important than playing hockey, NHL or not.”

Grandpa squeezed his hand and gave him a slight smile.

“That’s why it’s so important that you do this know. This is your adventure, yours and Lucas’. So go and try not to worry.” Looking into his grandpa’s eyes, Joel knew the old man was telling the truth. He would be fine with him leaving. Sad perhaps, but ok. The relief almost matched what he had felt last night after Lucas told him the truth about his weird mood.

They sat for a while longer, talking about nothing much in particular, simply enjoying each other’s company. Anita came back out, fully dressed now and with some coffee. The three of them sat together making plans for dinner later in the week.

Joel left for work and in the car on his way over he started to feel a bit anxious about the conversation he was going to have with his boss. What would he say? When would he be able to leave? He had a vague idea that his notice could be up to two months, which would be a very long time to be without Lucas. Thinking like that made him feel silly, but he couldn’t help not wanting to be apart from Lucas any more than absolutely necessary. Maybe they would agree to let him go earlier. Deciding he could only hope for the best, he tried to push it out of his mind for the time being and find a good moment to talk to the boss during the shift.

The station was pretty busy and he lost himself in the work for a while. As his shift was coming to an end, he realized he really should get this done now and not wait. Still, he hesitated for a moment standing outside the boss’ room. It was a huge step, either taking a leave of absence for six months or having to quit altogether. After a few moments, he finally knocked on the door. A mumbled reply was heard and he interpreted it as permission to enter.

The boss was behind his desk and typing away at something. He looked slightly stressed and Joel wondered if he should leave it for another day. Before he could decide, the boss looked up and gave him a brief smile.

“Ah, Joel. Any problems? I’m working on our budget. The stupid thing never adds up this late in the year…” He seemed to be speaking more or less to himself. “But you’re not here for that. Please sit!”

He gestured towards a chair in front of his desk. Joel sat and then his mind sort of went blank. The words he was going to say just vanished and they ended up staring at each other in silence. It was harder than he had thought it would be to have this conversation. To the boss’ credit, the man didn’t try and rush Joel, but sat patiently waiting. Perhaps he had finally figured out Joel sometimes needed to think things through before opening his mouth. After trying to find the best opening and coming up with nothing, Joel opted for simplicity.

“I’m leaving.” The words made him feel both calm and sad. The finality of his actions was suddenly clear. This was really happening. He was quitting his job to leave for New York. With Lucas.

“Leaving?” The other man blinked a few times, seeming to not quite understand what he said. Maybe he didn’t want to understand. “Why do you say that?”

“Lucas is going to the US and I’m going with him.” He had to concentrate on meeting the man’s eyes when he actually wanted to look at his own feet to avoid seeing the disappointment his boss displayed. They had been working together for years and Joel had always seen himself as staying there for his entire career. Quitting had never been something he had considered. Why would he? He was a police officer and happy to be so. Where else would he work?

“You’re quitting?” There was an honest sadness to the boss’ voice.

“Well, I don’t know. I’ll be there for six months and I don’t know if I can get a leave of absence for that long...” To have an option to come back would make him feel safer about going away and less like jumping off a cliff, so Joel held his breath as he waited for the boss’ response.

“You know, Joel, I’d really hate to lose you, but I don’t think we can have you gone for that long and not have you hand in your resignation.” A heavy sigh made it clear the man wished things could have been different. “Are you sure?” He tilted his head and looked at Joel.

“Yes. I have to go with him. I want to go with him.” Joel wondered if he to some extent was trying to convince himself. “If I can’t take time off, I’ll resign. Although, I was kind of thinking there might be an opening for me when I come back…?”

“Well, Joel, I must say this past year you’ve grown so much not only as a police officer but also as a member of our unit. It’s been a pleasure to have you here, even if we both know we have had a difference of opinion at times.” He chuckled at Joel’s slight blush. “I would be an idiot if I didn’t want you back on our team. So if there’s room, I’ll gladly hire you again.”

After clearing up a few details regarding the notice period and what vacation time he had left, Joel found he could leave as planned, just at the end of September. With the budget the way it was, the boss was even pleased he could keep his notice period as short as possible. Now, Joel only had to break the news to his colleagues. Not something he was looking forward to. 

First, though, he had another important group to tell. His team. Apart from Grandpa, he would miss them the most. He had always been able to count on them for support or encouragement when he was feeling down. Even when they didn’t actually know he was down, they still managed to lift him up. Walking into the arena, he felt stupid for being on the verge of tears, but he couldn’t help it. At first, he thought he would wait for after practice, but he realized he would be too unfocused to play if he didn’t get this off his chest.

Gathering everyone in the booth, he took a deep breath and then broke the news to them. He tried to be as brief as possible since he didn’t trust his voice not to break. When he had finished he glanced around the group. The silence that ensued made him uneasy, but then Lars got up and hugged him tightly. Joel held his friend, happy to be able to hide his face by turning it down as if he was looking at Lars.

“I’m so happy for you, Joel. I’ll miss you but I will make sure we stay in touch.” Lars sounded just as emotional as he was feeling.

“I’m coming back! It’s not that long, just six months.” Again, it was as if Joel was speaking more to himself than to anyone else.

Lars gave him a look he couldn’t decipher.

“Sure…” After nodding a few times, Lars gave him a half smile and stepped away from him.

With the tension broken, the others came up to him one by one and patted him on the back, wishing him good luck and then got out on the ice. Before Lars could get out there, Joel stopped him by grabbing his arm.

“What did you mean by ‘sure’?” Joel for some reason needed to know. Too many times had Lars proved to have an uncanny ability to see things, before anyone else. He often joked his Sami grandma had been a witch, but Joel knew it was simply due to his ability to read people.

“It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, living in the US. There’s nothing holding you here, so my guess is you’ll stay longer.” Lars made his statement as just a matter of fact. 

“No, that’s not the plan…” Joel shook his head, not prepared to accept Lars could be right.

“I know you think that now, but just keep an open mind. Things could be better for you two over there.” Patting him on the shoulder, Lars then picked up his stick and got ready to start his warm up.

“But Grandpa…” Joel’s continued objection made Lars stop in the door on his way out on the ice.

“He’ll be fine. You know that. He’s happy as a clam with his girlfriend. And before you say anything, Koda can stay with me and if you want to we’ll look into having her shipped over. I have to come and visit, don’t I? I know Sophia would love that too…”

Seeing Lars’ face light up at the thought of Sophia made Joel smile. It was apparent he was completely smitten and Joel couldn’t wait to actually meet her. Anyone who could make Lars get such a dreamy look on his face must be a great person. 

“So you just want to use our place there as your own little love nest? And I thought you wanted to visit us!” Joel tried to lighten the mood by joking. He didn’t want the entire practice ruined by his goodbye.

“It’s not my fault things work out great for me…” Lars laughed and skated backward out on the ice, effectively ended the conversation.

Joel stood there and watched him go. It sounded so easy, hearing him say it. Maybe it was just that easy. He had quit his job, after all, told everyone that mattered to him he was leaving and was, in fact, free to go in a few weeks’ time. He felt strangely light all of a sudden. As if he was floating just above the ground or ice as the case was right now. The feeling reaffirmed to him this was the right decision. Things would be alright, even if he left some people he loved behind. As Lars said, they could visit. And it was only for six months.