Chapter Eighteen

 

 

“This cannot become a habit,” Doug said as he poured syrup on his pancakes. “Or we’re both gonna get out of shape fast.”

“I know. Just shut up and eat your bacon. Skipping one workout isn’t gonna kill you.”

“Easy for you to say, you lured me here with the promise of indulgence and you’re eating fruit.”

“I had a bagel too!”

“Yeah, with hummus and sprouts. That’s not breakfast. That’s shame on a plate.”

I chuckled and speared a melon chunk with my fork. I’d talked Doug out of our morning run in favor of going to the diner because I just wasn’t up for it today. I wanted to sit and talk to someone who was a friend. Sarah and Yvonne had gone off to the Berkshires for a mini vacation so I refused to bother them, and sadly, Doug was the closest I had to a confidante these days outside of my girls.

I didn’t even particularly want to discuss Duncan, though he was dominating my thoughts. Mostly I just wanted to sit down and enjoy a meal with someone whose company I liked so I could get out of my own head for a while. Duncan had not disappeared since we’d returned from our amusement park date. The problem was I still didn’t feel like much had progressed between us. It was more like a holding pattern. He was funny and sexy and made me swoon, and I was eating it up while trying not to let myself fall any deeper, which wasn’t working out so well.

I’d felt great about things after the amusement park date, felt like we’d gone deep. That we’d broken through something. We’d slept late, then had marathon sex in the morning. He’d gotten bossy and ordered me onto my knees on the floor to suck his cock, which nearly made me come hands free. I’d held back because I wanted to taste him, to feel him blow it in my mouth, but again he refused to come that way. Instead he’d stopped me and bent me over a chair, then drove me to madness with spankings while he fucked me to climax. Afterward he’d washed my body in the shower, soothing me and whispering sweet things, even telling me no one had ever driven him so crazy sexually. It had given me confidence in what was happening between us, and I was more addicted than ever, but thus far there’d been no follow-up date. Not an official date, anyway…

We had gotten out of control one evening since, however. It had been one of my nights off from Immunity, and Duncan asked me to come help out at Elfy Choices, training a new cook. When the training was over, Duncan and I ended up making out and jerking each other off in the bathroom, and that was all his idea. He’d been frantic that night. After sitting in the garden and watching me work, staring at me in a way that drove me nuts, he’d dragged me off as soon as we were alone again.

I’d thought maybe he was finally mine that night, regardless of how cheesy it was, getting off in the bathroom. His passion convinced me he was feeling the same way I was. He’d been so desperate for me, whispering in my ear that I was perfect, calling me Zachary and kissing me like his life depended on it. Same as that morning in the hotel room, I’d felt like something in him might be breaking. Like he was letting go of whatever had been holding him back. But he hadn’t invited me to his house to spend the night after we both came. He said he had work to do at home. And once again, there’d been a long bout of silence in the days after. Sunrise, sunset, and back around to nowhere.

And I still wanted him so badly I walked around in a state of semi-arousal all the time, especially after what I now in my mind referred to as ‘the spanking date’ when he told me no one had ever excited him so much. Sure, he’d been talking about sex, but considering he’d been on this earth for forty-eight years and dated a bazillion people, I took it as a huge and significant declaration. Since then, every little thing he did got my cock hard. An early morning phone call with his silken voice in my ear, asking me what I had on, and that was it, I was done for the day. I was no longer ‘saving it up for him’ however, because I never knew when I was gonna fucking see him next, so my poor dick was often raw from whacking it so much. It was frustrating as hell. I knew he was addicted to me too. I knew it. I could feel it when we were together. But I also knew he was fighting it. Fighting it hard. And I didn’t know why.

In the past few days, he’d been in touch via phone and text, flirted some. But he said he was busy when I asked if I could see him again. I didn’t think he was completely blowing me off, because last night he’d texted and asked me to come in to Elfy Choices this afternoon. But that was work, not play.

Regardless, I’d agreed to go in today. The new cook I’d trained had quit already. Now there were two new recruits, and once again Duncan wanted me to pass down my great wisdom in the way of veggie tapas. It was kind of getting ridiculous how hard it was to keep staff in the fairy garden. I’d never imagined my little vegetarian masterpieces would create so much trouble, it wasn’t like the recipes were that difficult. Maybe my fillings and the spices and oils I used were a little unique, but it wasn’t rocket science.

I was trying to remain optimistic about Duncan, but I was starting to fail. I didn’t want to see him at the fucking fairy garden. If he was too busy for a date, I wanted to at least spend the night together, because it had been a while now. I’d asked for that, but he’d come up with reasons why he couldn’t. Stupid reasons that I found hard to accept as truth. That he had a dinner engagement with friends, or that he had to do paperwork. He might as well have told me he had to wash his fucking hair.

But he’d been keeping in touch, so I guess I had to accept this as good enough for now, since my choices were to break up with him—which I didn’t want to do because I was still so damn smitten—or to push him to give me some clarity on whether or not this would ever be something beyond casual. I wanted to do that, but I didn’t, for the same old reason. I’d stuffed old-me back in the dusty coffin for the time being before he got out of control and chased Duncan away. But as my impatience grew, I knew old-me wouldn’t stay in that coffin indefinitely. As it was, he was kicking and thrashing to get out, wanting to rise from the dead and claim Duncan as his own.

“How are things with Duncan?” Doug asked, like he’d been reading my thoughts.

“I don’t know. Good I guess. I’m going in this afternoon to help out in the garden bar.”

“Have things cooled off with you two?”

I scowled into my fruit bowl. I’d been telling Doug all about my encounters with Duncan. I’d even told him about the heavy talk we’d had about my past while we were on the island. Doug had wanted to linger on that conversation, seemingly moved by my tale of woe, but I brushed it off in favor of telling him how good the makeup sex was. At the time, I’d just returned from the trip and was still reeling and swooning and probably spewing love hearts whenever I opened my mouth.

I’d also told him how deep we’d gone in the hotel after the amusement park date, withholding the spanking and the sex details, but I got the point across. I’d thought we’d reached a turning point, so I’d been high on it and spilled to Doug. Now I felt stupid, because he knew things hadn’t been quite so hot and heavy since. Doug always seemed to find my tales of post-coital enthusiasm amusing, but now he was looking at me in a strange way, something like concern in his big brown eyes.

“It hasn’t cooled down for me,” I said. “To be honest, I’m still pretty clueless as to what the hell is happening between me and Duncan. Yet still completely horny and thinking about him all the time.” I smiled. “In other words, no change. Vicious circle.”

He nodded and picked up his coffee mug. “Duncan’s having trouble in elf land again?”

“Yeah. More people quit, he’s got to train new hires.”

“And he needs you to do that?”

“I guess.”

“You’d think he’d have it figured out by now. Sounds like an excuse to see you.”

“Doubt that. He can see me any time he wants, but it’s been a while since we’ve hooked up, so I don’t know what the fuck his deal is.”

“Huh. Didn’t look like his garden bar was in trouble when I was there last night. The place still looks great, and the engagement party went off without a hitch.”

My eyes widened. “Well, shit. Do you know I actually forgot that was happening?”

Doug laughed. “Hey, I guess you really are over Corey.”

“How was it?”

“Good. Corey and Angelo were both genuinely surprised. Duncan did it up nice. A lot of people there.”

“Who went that I know?”

Doug set his fork down, pushing his plate away, and stretched his arms. “God, let’s see. All Corey’s friends. You know, Dewey and Jairo and Rod and the gang. No one from Angelo’s family came, which was awkward. But Duncan invited a bunch of Angelo’s buddies and work friends so it wasn’t too obvious. Oh! Corey’s parents were there.”

“Cut the shit! What were they like?”

“Surprisingly normal. Corey’s father is like eighty feet tall, but he was just this kind of quiet older guy. Friendly enough, and he actually gave Corey a hug when he arrived. I saw nothing of the villain I’d heard about, and Corey seemed happy they were there.”

“Does he look like Corey?”

“Not so much. I’d say Corey actually looks more like Duncan than his dad.” Doug drummed his fingers on the table, that pinched expression back again. “Zach, can I ask you something about Duncan? And tell me if I’m overstepping.”

“What about him?”

“Duncan’s gay, right?”

“He’s bi actually. Why?”

Doug clasped his hands. “We’re friends, right?”

“Duh. Why must we keep reestablishing that?”

“Because I’ve grown to give a fuck about you, and something’s been gnawing at me, so I have to tell you Duncan brought a date to the engagement party. A woman.”

I blinked, trying to hold a poker face as my breakfast roiled in my stomach. “Oh. Did he?”

“I suppose she could have been just a friend.”

“Then why are you bothering to bring it up, unless you think otherwise?”

Doug’s lips pursed.

“What? I’m not going to freak out and throw my fruit bowl at you. Just talk.”

“I’ve just been thinking about what you said, about when we first met. And Corey and Stewart were together, the open relationship, and how you and I were the side-guys. Despite all the shit we went through, I suspect your heart is more like mine. That you don’t do well in a…crowded relationship. Again, tell me if I’m overstepping.”

“You’re not. And it’s true, can’t deny it. I’m a sappy romantic, looking for the one.”

“I know you are. So I don’t like the idea of you getting fucked over. Just want you to have all the facts.”

“Okay.” I sighed and looked down. “And you think I’m getting fucked over by Duncan.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m just giving you my gut feeling here.”

“Did you get the impression this woman was just a friend or something else?”

“I thought Duncan was gay because of you, so at first I thought a friend. But when I met her in the crowd she introduced herself to me and Stewart as Duncan’s ‘date’. And while I didn’t see him kissing her or anything, I did see her sitting on his lap at one point.”

I scowled. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Zach. I thought you had a right to know.”

Jesus Christ. So much for giving things a chance. Okay, Duncan never said he’d give things a chance. But still. I thought things had changed since we’d started seeing each other more regularly. Or semi-regularly. I thought things had changed period. I’d sensed it, and it had been giving me confidence amidst all the confusion. It’s what had been keeping me going. The way Duncan looked at me. The things he said. The way he seemed so desperate for me when we were together. Could I be deceiving myself that much, to be so wrong?

“What was her name? This fucking…date.”

“Um...” Doug frowned, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Shit, something unusual. I can’t remember.”

“Was it Shaylin?”

“Yes!” Doug pointed at me, grinning. “That’s it.” His grin slid away. “You know her?”

“Black hair with really short bangs? Skinny, right? Early forties?”

“Yeah. That’s her. Very pretty.”

A breath leaked out of me and I pushed my food away. “Duncan slept with her before. He told me. I met her at his house when I first started working for him.” I looked up at Doug. “Doesn’t mean it was a real date, right? I mean, they could have been there just as friends.”

“I don’t know. I can’t answer that.”

“Well…fuck!” I shook my head. “Granted, he never said he’d stop seeing other people, but things have gotten so intense between us, I guess I stupidly assumed. I guess I’m an idiot. Am I an idiot, Doug?”

Doug made a steeple of his fingers and rested his chin on them. “Duncan knows we’re friends, right? You and me?”

“Yeah. He knows we’re friends.”

“Stewart’s my boyfriend, so you know we talk.”

I twirled my hand impatiently. “So you told Stewart all about me and Duncan. I don’t care. What is it, what are you trying to say? Spit it out.”

“Okay, the truth is Stewart and I both found it kind of rude that Duncan brought a date. And you know how oblivious Stewart can be. But even he thought it was kind of shitty considering what’s going on with you and Duncan.”

“Yeah? You really think so? Because I fear I’m not thinking straight when it comes to Duncan. Been trying so hard not to be clingy, I’m not sure what I’m allowed to be bothered by anymore. I don’t know my rights.”

Doug raised his eyebrows. “Gotta know your rights, dude.”

“You really think it was rude? That he brought a date? Even though he never said we were monogamous?”

“Yes, Zach. I think it’s fucking rude. He knows you and I are friends at the very least. Shit, even Corey knows about the two of you now. And I know Duncan couldn’t exactly bring you to the engagement party, that would be too weird and you wouldn’t want to go anyway. But he could have gone alone. He didn’t need to bring a date, Zach. When he knew he was gonna be seeing people you know. There, I said it. Now I’ll back out and mind my own business.”

“No, it’s okay. I appreciate you telling me.” I sighed. “I guess I’ve got some thinking to do.”

“When did you get so calm?” Doug smirked.

“I don’t know.” I chuckled. “I don’t feel calm inside, believe me. I guess this is all just wearing me down.”

“Because it’s screwing with your head. Just ask him what he wants out of this. If there’s even a chance for more. Because I can tell you want more, and it’s making you unhappy.”

“I kind of already did ask him. Tried to squeeze some insight out of him on the beach that night on our first big overnight date. I didn’t get much back other than an amazing fuck.”

“So talk to him again. Ask him to clarify.”

“I can’t. Once is questioning. Twice is nagging.”

“Not if you never got an answer, Zach! You guys have been hot and heavy for quite a while now. Look, I can’t believe I’m about to say this to you of all people. But when you’re this into someone, a little nagging is justified. Unless I’m wrong about how you feel. Maybe you’re fine with it, and I’m overstepping and concerned over nothing.”

My gaze dropped to the table, and I swallowed a hard lump in my throat. “I’m not fine with it. Not at all.”

“I didn’t think so. It seems to me that in your quest to restrain yourself, you’re allowing Duncan to hurt you. And I hate watching it happen.”

“I guess I knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t expect to like him so much. There were so many strikes against the idea of me and Duncan that I thought I could do casual. But now I can’t see past him. Maybe it’ll wear off? Maybe it’s fairy magic or something.”

Doug chuckled. “It’s not gonna wear off if you’re running in to the enchanted forest to help him with his dragonfly problems every time he blows the pan pipes and summons you.”

I chuckled softly. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s a forest creature himself. Not real, like maybe I made him up. Shit, he’s real right? You can see him too?”

“Yes, Zach. I can see him too. And I think he’s yanking your puppet strings, based on what you’ve told me.”

“Shit.” I sighed, not liking where this was headed. “I’ve slowed my roll so much I might have become a chump without realizing it. Am I a chump, Doug?”

Doug shrugged. “Not for me to say. I feel guilty enough talking about Corey’s uncle like this. Do not tell Corey I did.”

“I would never. But tell me what you honestly think. I want to hear it. I need to hear it.”

“Okay. This is my opinion. You put yourself out there and told him you’d like to get more serious. He left you hanging and didn’t address it. But selfishly wants to keep dating you. Selfishly has kept dating you. Without even being discreet about seeing other people at the same time. So yes. From all you’ve told me, and all I’ve seen, I think maybe you’re Duncan’s chump.”

“Fuck. Shit! I’m a chump.”

“You have to decide if you’re okay with that, and for how long. If he’s not available for what you want, you gotta find that out. Shit, I have to go to work.” Doug stood and threw some money on the table. “I got this.”

“Thanks. And shit, I have to go to work too. This afternoon. For Duncan.”

Doug reached over and squeezed my shoulder. “What are you gonna do?”

“I’m gonna have to tell him how I feel. Because I’m falling for him. I can’t be a side-guy. Not with Duncan. Not anymore.”

“I think that’s the right decision. Run tomorrow? Need to work off those pancakes.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Later, Zach. Good luck.”

I left the diner and started walking home. I was just beginning to ponder exactly how much of a fool I was being for Duncan, when he called me.

“Hi there,” I said.

“Oh, don’t you sound sexy this morning.”

I smiled. “You’re up early.”

“I usually am.”

“You still need me to come in today?”

“No, that’s why I’m calling.”

I stopped on the street and leaned against a bike rack. “Why, what’s up?”

Duncan let out an exasperated sigh. “It’s going to be a billion degrees today, and forecast predicts more heat the coming weeks. Barry thinks we should look into some kind of tenting for the garden and put some air conditioning back there. No one’s going to want to sit outside and eat hot tapas in this heat. So, I’m frustrated and need a break. Barry’s gonna look into it but I’m taking the damn day off.”

I chuckled. “You didn’t think you were going to have to actually work when you opened the magical forest, did you, Duncan?”

“Seriously, this is interfering with my life of leisure. Speaking of, since I’ve now got some free time, do you want to come over and swim in my pool?”

I thought about the last time I’d been with Duncan. The bathroom sex. The way he’d told me he couldn’t let me come back to his house after. That he had work to do. I didn’t want to be just a fuck he called when it was convenient.

“Zach, you still there?”

“Yeah.”

“So you want to come over for a swim?”

“Um…maybe.”

“Well, don’t get too excited.”

“You gonna squeeze me in now that you have a surprise day off? I want to come over, Duncan, but how long do I get you for? You have plans tonight or are you gonna fuck me then send me home for dinner?”

Oops. Yeah, okay, Doug had gotten me a little worked up.

“Zach! What on earth is that about? I was going to ask you to stay over so I could make you dinner. But you’re not sounding very friendly at the moment. Why?”

I resumed walking. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“Then why did you say it?” Duncan’s tone was smooth but I heard a little irritation in his voice. “Why am I suddenly some asshole who’ll fuck you then send you home for dinner?”

“I said I’m sorry, I’ve got some things on my mind I want to talk about. Hang on. I’m on the street. Just let me go sit down.”

“By all means, take a load off. Guess all that attitude is weighing you down.”

Oh, boy. This wasn’t starting off well. I was already getting the Stengel arrows launched at me. Duncan’s natural demeanor was poised and subdued, but once you flicked that switch, he kind of turned into Corey on a bad day.

I could feel my nerves rising, so I crossed the road and moved toward the pond, which always calmed me. I sat on a bench. “All right. You still there?”

“Um hmm.”

“I heard you took Shaylin to Corey’s engagement party.”

There was a long silence, then, “Yes, I did.”

“And did you fuck her?”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t think I stuttered.”

“Zach, I don’t think that’s something you should concern yourself with.”

“You mean it’s none of my business. Well guess what? I’m making it my business, okay, Duncan?”

He sighed. “Zachary.”

“Don’t Zachary me. Just answer the fucking question.”

Anger boiled up in my body so hot I had visions of it blowing steam out my ears like a cartoon. This was it. I’d arrived at the crossroads, and I wasn’t leaving until the devil came down and made a deal with me or I lost my soul. My control had officially fled. Old Zach busted out of his dusty coffin and zombie-shuffled to the forefront of my consciousness, taking over. And he wanted answers, or he was gonna eat my brain. And maybe Duncan’s.

“I don’t think what I do with other people is something I should discuss with you,” Duncan said. “I know I was honest with you about things like that before, but now that we’ve been intimate so often, it’s not a good idea.”

“Now that we’ve been intimate so often, me being your side guy puppet is not a good idea. For me.”

“Side guy puppet? That’s not fair, Zach. I’ve told you I care about you.”

“I know.” I sighed and hung my head, closing my eyes. “This isn’t about jealousy or selfishness. It’s…about how I feel about you.”

“Oh,” he said softly.

Duncan was silent for so long I thought he’d hung up.

“You there?”

“Yes. What exactly are you saying, Zach?”

I steeled myself. “I’m crazy about you. So fucking crazy about you.”

I heard Duncan take in a breath.

“I need to be honest about it. I’m crazy about you, Duncan. More and more every time we see each other. Every time we touch. Kiss. Go to bed. Even talk. And I can’t let myself go any deeper if I have to share you.”

After another significant pause, he said, “Are you asking me to date you exclusively?”

“That’s what I’d like to happen. But what I’m really asking is if you see that happening ever.”

More silence. My stomach was jittery. Was I making a mistake? How many times had I asked myself that question since meeting him? No. I wouldn’t second-guess this. I wouldn’t begrudge Duncan his decision, but I couldn’t allow myself to fall deeper in love with someone who would never put me first.

And the motherfucker still wasn’t talking. “Duncan? You’re not talking so I’m going to assume you don’t have an answer for me. You still there?”

“I’m here. And…and I’ll answer.” He shivered a sigh, sounding more nervous than I’d ever heard him.

“And?”

“I…I don’t think I should commit to that right now, Zach. I’m sorry.”

My lips tightened and I looked skyward. I watched a flock of geese fly by as my stomach dropped to my balls. “All right,” I rasped, barely above a whisper. “I understand.”

“Does this mean we can’t—”

“Yeah, Duncan. That’s what it means. We can’t. I…I need to politely and respectfully bid you farewell now.”

“Zach…I don’t want to stop seeing you.”

“I know. But I feel what I feel. I have to put myself first, Duncan.”

There was another space of silence. “I wish you could change your mind about this.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I wish I could too. But I’m crazy about you. And this is what I need when I’m crazy about someone. It’s who I am. So I’m sorry.” A lump was rising in my throat, and there was no way I was going to allow myself to cry, so I said quickly, “I gotta go,” and hung up.