Chapter Ten
Ember
One percent.
It was all I could think about that week. One percent less self-preservation than everyone else had. Not that it was really quantifiable, right? There wasn’t actually anyone inside Josh’s brain, checking out why the hell he flew like he had a death wish.
The same way he rode that damn motorcycle I hated, that four-wheeler in Alabama last year, or anything else he could push just a little beyond the red line.
He’d been gone seven weeks, and I was okay. Maybe that was the worst part. Yes, I missed him, worried about him, constantly wondered what he was doing, but I was surviving. We’d only lived together for a month before he’d deployed, and in some ways, it just felt like he was at Rucker, and I was…well, here. Other than the deployment sign I had made to hang on the front door that read, knock only in cases of emergency, it was almost like we’d never moved in together.
Except that I slept in his T-shirts with my laptop perched next to his pillow just in case he Skyped me in the middle of the night.
“Breaker off?” Will asked from under my sink as I walked back into the kitchen.
“Yup. Your hands are safe,” I answered, hopping up onto the island counter.
He reached for another tool and went back to work. “You did a number on it.”
“I can’t believe he messaged you. It could have waited until Sunday, or I could have called someone.”
“I don’t mind. I like checking on you two.”
My feet swung under the lip of the counter. “I think Paisley fell asleep twenty minutes after dinner. Pregnancy is wiping her out.” I cringed. “I mean, in the normal way, not the I-had-a-heart-condition way.”
Will slid just far enough to smile at me, his teeth perfectly even. Huh. He was actually a really good-looking guy when Josh wasn’t ragging on him. “Don’t worry. I knew what you meant. And yeah, I worry, but checking up on you guys every week is about all I can really do, right? I’ll be gone in a couple of weeks, and then you two are on your own, broken disposals and all.” He slid back under and went to work.
“Are you going home to Alabama before you go? Maybe seeing Morgan?” I tried to keep my tone innocuous, but the pause in his work was enough to let me know I’d pushed a little too much.
“Nope. I think we said everything we could the last time she was here.”
“She loves you, you know.”
Will sighed. “Flip the breaker? I think I got it.”
I went to the breaker box and flipped the kitchen switch. “It’s on!” I called. By the time I walked upstairs from the basement, he’d already tested it.
“You’re good to go.” He ran it another few times to make sure, and then started putting his tools away in the bag.
I took two beers out of the fridge and handed one to him. “Thank you. Seriously.”
“Don’t mention it. Any of the guys would have done the same.”
“Would they have given up every Sunday night to hang out with some boring girls?”
“You’re hardly boring. I wanted in on the family dinner nights. Besides, Lee is still one of my best friends, despite our epic efforts to screw that up last year.”
He popped the top on the can and leaned against the counter across from me. Josh had hated this guy until the Blackhawk course had made them friends, but here, just the two of us, I saw why Paisley had loved him. He had an uncompromising sense of right and wrong that could be as infuriating as it was endearing. It just depended what side of the line you were standing on.
“So, Morgan?” I pushed again.
He made a face at me. “I have mad respect for you, Ember, I do. But I’m not sure we’re close enough to discuss my love life.”
“Paisley is one of my best friends.”
He lifted his beer in salute. “Correct. Then maybe we’re too close.”
“You’re family,” I said with a shrug. “You wanted in on the vacations, the dinners, the whole…well, family, so this is part of it. Now spill.”
“You really think she’d want to sign on with someone who wants to fly SOAR? Who wants the no-warning deployments? Impossible schedules? Classified locations?”
“That girl is in love with you.” I took a long sip of my beer while he debated opening up.
He took a swallow and sighed. “Yeah, well, I’m not sure Morgan really understands what love is.”
“And you do?” I said it softly, so he’d know I wasn’t mocking him.
“Yeah. Love is when you’d lay down everything about yourself for the other person’s happiness. Be what they need you to be, grow into the best version of yourself because it’s what they deserve. Love is knowing when to fight for that person, and when you might not be the best fit. Love is letting go, and the crushing pain that comes with it.”
Like when I left Josh back in Colorado. I nodded, understanding more than I wanted to. “Yeah, I get that. You don’t think she loves you that way?”
He ran his hand over his close-cropped brown curls. “Morgan is amazing. She’s gorgeous, and funny, and reminds me of who I am underneath all the bullshit. I don’t doubt that she could love like that. I’m just not sure I could love her like that, and if I’m not one hundred percent certain, I have no business asking her to wait for me.”
Understanding dawned, and my heart ached on his behalf. “You’re still in love with her.”
His forehead wrinkled. “Paisley? No, just as friends, I swear.”
I shook my head. “Her sister, Peyton.”
Will’s eyes flew to mine, and I saw it there, the wild, echoed grief that still hollowed Mom’s eyes from time to time—the dark, horrible void Dad had left in her that still lingered when she wasn’t careful to mask it.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry for pushing. It’s absolutely none of my business.” I could have kicked myself. After all the insensitive questions I’d had tossed at me the last couple of years, I should have known better.
“No,” he said with a sad smile and another sip of his beer. “It’s okay. I think maybe you’d understand more than most people.” He started to peel the label from the bottle. “I’ve loved Peyton ever since I knew how to define the emotion. She was like life bottled under pressure, shaken up, and when you took the cap off…God, she flew. Being around her was intoxicating and addictive. She didn’t know how to sit still, or how to come in second place.” He laughed. “She could be utterly exhausting one moment, and yet feed my very soul in the next. She was my best friend, the only woman I ever wanted, and when she died, I did, too—right there on that field. I physically felt my heart stop the very second hers did, and I just never got the right rhythm back.” His face twisted, and my eyes prickled as though I was taking on a piece of his pain.
“Everything I’ve done since then has been for her. Taking care of Paisley, pushing myself through the Academy, fighting for the top of the Order of Merit List…it’s all been because I know she’s watching. She knew every limit I had and accepted none, just pushed me past where I thought my barriers were. So I succeed. I choose the right path no matter what. I can’t fail. I can’t tolerate second, because she never would. And I can’t…love. Not in the way someone like Morgan deserves. It’s not that I don’t want her.” He rolled his head back and blew out a long breath. “God, Morgan is…perfect. But I just don’t know how to give away a heart I don’t own.” He set his beer down and crossed his arms over his chest as if the motion would hold him together. “She’s like you—she’s not the woman who is going to put her career on the back burner for me while I run off and fly for SOAR. She deserves better than someone with no time and half a heart, and I won’t make the same mistake with her that I did with Paisley.”
We stood there in silence, connected in a way I didn’t share with a lot of people, recognizing that grief lasted a lot longer than people had the right words for. So instead of offering him some kind of placating words he didn’t need, I simply gave Will a soft smile and the truth. “Maybe you should tell her that. Let her decide if she’s willing to battle special ops and Peyton’s ghost. She might surprise you.”
A slow smile spread across his face, and his eyes focused on something far away that I hoped was his future. “Yeah,” he said in a hopeful tone. “Maybe when I get home.”
“Maybe when you get home.”
He raised his beer to mine, and we toasted second chances.
Later, when I thought about what he’d said, that I would never let my career take a backseat to Josh’s, I mailed the application for the Ephesus dig.
Another month went by, Will deployed, and suddenly I was staring May and graduation in the face.
“Hey, are you ready to go?” Paisley drawled as she popped her head in my front door.
“Am I?” I grabbed my bag that stored my cap and gown. “Yes, I’m ready to go. My sister? Not so much.”
“April! I will leave you here if you do not present yourself in the next two minutes!” Mom yelled, straightening Gus’s tie. Her hair was swept up in a perfect twist, and her pearls were in place.
“She’ll do it, too!” Gus threatened with all the bravado turning nine had given him. His hair hadn’t lost any of its strawberry curl, giving him a rather rakish look if Mom didn’t keep it cut close.
When Josh had suggested the three-bedroom townhouse, I’d balked, but after having my family here for the week, I was ready to kiss the man for his thoughtfulness. Hell, I was ready to kiss him, period. Or simply skip the kissing and jump him. Ugh. I missed him so much that there was a physical ache constantly present in my chest that felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath without crushing something. Next week it would be three months since he’d deployed.
I was going to be a basket case by six.
“How about I drive you down, Ember, and your mom can take your car?” Paisley suggested, checking her watch. “I don’t want you to be late.”
Mom’s eyes lit up. “Yes! Perfect. Go.”
“Mom, it’s an hour away. I don’t want you to get lost or anything.”
She shot me the look, and I damn near withered. “December Howard, I’m well aware of where Vanderbilt is, considering you were born while your father was in medical school there. Go with Paisley, and we’ll catch up.”
“Okay.” I kissed Gus’s smooth cheek and ran out the door to where Paisley already had her car running, air conditioning on full blast.
After clicking into our seat belts, we took off for the city.
“I saw the roses Josh sent,” she said as we pulled onto the highway. “They’re gorgeous!”
“Yeah, he hates not being here.” I hated it, too. Every single second of it.
“I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “Next week it’s your turn, Mrs. Bateman. We still on for a little Alabama road trip?”
She nodded. “Absolutely.” She was quiet for a few moments. “It’s okay to be mad, Ember. Mad that they’re missing everything. Mad that our world keeps spinning while they’re gone.”
I swallowed. “Okay, honest moment?”
“Shoot.”
“I keep thinking of everything my dad missed. All the plays, and games, and little graduations, and I remember swearing I would never live like that. I was never mad at him, just sad, you know?”
“Yes. The higher up in rank Daddy goes, the less I see him. And I’m proud of him, of everything he’s accomplished, but…” She shook her head. “It’s not important.”
The sun glinted off my ring as the car curved with the road, throwing prisms of color onto the ceiling. “No, it is important. I feel like one of the reasons we get married is because you find your person. The one person you want with you when everything goes to shit, the one person you want when it’s all amazingly right. Like you have your own personal witness and cheerleader to your life.”
Her hand ran absentmindedly across her emerging baby bump. “And they’re missing it,” she finished.
“They’re missing it, and I can’t help but feel like some of the joy is sucked out of everything because they’re not here.” It was my graduation day, damn it. I didn’t want this gaping hole in my chest. I wanted hugs, and kisses, and congratulations. I wanted Josh to be here for me the same way I’d been there for him when I’d pinned him at his commissioning, or when he’d graduated flight school.
I was desperate for an equality that, as a military spouse, I was never going to get. Usually I was okay with it. This was what I signed up for, as Mom loved to remind me. But sometimes, especially on days like this, well, it sucked.
Paisley reached over and clasped my hand. “I’ll be your witness, and you’ll be mine. We’ll fill the holes.”
I squeezed her hand gently and thought about what the next months would bring. My graduation, Paisley’s, maybe the Ephesus dig, and the birth of the Mini-Bateman. In the face of watching one of my closest friends go through her pregnancy solo, my little cap and gown didn’t matter so much.
“We’ll fill the holes,” I agreed.
With the sun shining on a gorgeous Nashville day, I walked across the stage and received my bachelor’s in history.
After the ceremony, Mom rushed me, holding me tightly to her. “Your dad would be so proud, Ember. We’re all so proud.”
I closed my eyes and felt the sweetest pressure in my chest like Dad was with us, hugging me, too.
“Ember!” Paisley said, shaking my phone toward me. I’d asked her to hold it for me during the ceremony. I took it and gasped at the face on the screen.
“Congrats, baby!” Josh said, his face pixelated on Skype from the less than stellar service I got on campus.
My heart soared, and my nose burned as tears formed in my eyes. “Hi, love! You made it!”
His smile was enough to bring me to my knees. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I’m so proud of you.” He stayed online while April and Gus hugged me, and he was still there when Luke came over to offer his congratulations.
“Look who made it through Vandy! Congrats, Red!” He pulled me into him with a tight hug.
“I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Bullshit. You couldn’t have done it without the coffee shop. I just happened to be there.”
“Okay, that may be true,” I said with a laugh.
He snagged my phone out of my hand. “Well, hello there, Flyboy.”
Josh grimaced. “Luke. You done pawing my girlfriend?”
“So jealous, that one,” Luke whispered at me. “Shall I make her day even better?” he asked Josh, then looked over at my puckered forehead and handed the phone to Mom. Then he took a white envelope out of his gray blazer pocket and handed it to me. “I asked if I could deliver this one personally.”
The envelope was thin in my hands, but heavy in implication. I held it up so Josh could see.
“Well, open it,” he said, leaning in to the monitor.
I wet my suddenly dry lips and ripped the envelope carefully. Then I opened the tri-fold letter and began to read. “Dear Ms. Howard, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for the Ephesus Fall Dig program! Ahhh!” I shrieked and jumped, nearly losing my balance in my heels. “I got in!” I waved the envelope at Josh.
“I knew it! God, babe, I’m so happy for you!” His smile was just as big as mine, and in that moment, it didn’t matter that he was eight thousand miles away—he was right there with me.
And for that small second, that huge minute…it was enough.
It was everything.