Chapter Thirty-Five
Josh
“I swear this is the second time in two months that I’ve told you that you’re being a fucking idiot,” Jagger said as he grabbed clean clothes out of his dresser.
“What the hell do you want me to do, Jag? She took her fucking ring off. I’m pretty sure that says it all right there.” I flexed my hands to keep from punching a hole in his wall. When I’d finally realized that her left hand was as naked as I’d wanted to get her, my heart had been crushed. She may as well have driven a construction truck over it. Then to realize I’d been a moron and it was hanging around her neck, only to have her actually take it off? That tiny action rocked the foundation of my very being.
In that instant I realized that letting her go wasn’t just going to break my heart, it was going to obliterate it.
What the hell was I going to do? My most basic instinct was to march over to our house, throw open the door, strip her naked, and keep her screaming my name until she agreed to put that fucking ring back on her hand. But she’d already accused me of trying to sex my way out of things, and she’d been right.
“So you told her to go? Pushed her even further away?”
“Yeah, well, it’s what she needs.”
Jagger stopped shoving his clothes in a bag and flat-out glared at me. “Get a fucking grip.”
“I have one!” I shouted. Okay, well that sounded insane. “I’m fine,” I said softer. “No nightmares, found my purpose, you name it, I’ve done it. I corresponded with my therapist overseas with Skype sessions, I flew missions, I got my head back. My heart just seems to have left.”
“You left her, Josh. You walked out in the middle of the night after she asked you to stay. Paisley put her back together and then put her on a plane.”
“You don’t think I know that? This is for the best. I’ve put her through hell the last few months, and she didn’t deserve it. Not any of this. If she’s done with me, I can’t blame her. She can go back to Turkey, and I can…” Move out? Walk away? Fuck, the thought hurt more than a fucking bullet.
He shook his head. “Damn, Josh. I know you’re used to being her rock. You’re used to swooping in and saving her like you did when her dad died. But Ember is a hell of a lot stronger now. She doesn’t need you to save her—she needs you to save yourself. Sort your fucking head out before you lose her. You’ll never find another woman that loves you like she does.”
“I don’t want another woman.” Ever. She was it for me, and if I lost her, everyone else would pale in comparison.
He zipped up the bag. “Then what the hell are you doing?”
I threaded my hands through my hair and closed my eyes. “What she needs.” I repeated it in my head, my personal mantra to get me through this shit.
He scoffed. “Do you even want to fly SOAR?”
My eyes opened. “No. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Will never got to.”
“For fuck’s sake. Didn’t you learn anything watching Paisley struggle with Peyton? You can’t live for someone who’s dead.”
“It’s not the same,” I snapped.
“Oh? How?” He folded his arms over his chest.
“Paisley didn’t get Peyton killed.”
Jagger’s posture softened, and he rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m too sleep-deprived for this shit. You did not get Will killed. If anyone shoulders that blame it’s me, and if I can function, you can, too. Because Carter would kick your ass for what you’re doing right now. If you don’t want to fly SOAR why would you put Ember through that?”
I didn’t answer, but I didn’t have to. Jagger had been my best friend for years and knew me entirely too well.
He paused, then swore under his breath. “You did it so she’d take the job.”
I nodded.
“Because she was going to stay here for you.”
I swallowed back the growing boulder in my throat and nodded again.
“I can’t decide if you’re the most unselfish asshole on the planet or the most manipulative.”
“She said she wanted the job. The only reason she wasn’t taking it was for me. Do you have any idea what she’s given up to be with me? What she risks?”
“They all do. Every woman who marries a military guy takes that same risk. They might not have the same scars Ember does, but they all know the same fear. Morgan, Sam, Paisley, Ember…they all knew what they were doing. They were all willing to change their lives for love.”
“So, I’m supposed to watch her give up everything she worked her ass off for, and then leave her with what? A kiss and a prayer that she won’t hold a folded flag? She deserves better. A hell of a lot better than me.”
Jagger shook his head and clasped my shoulder. “Trust her to make her own choices.”
“I won’t be the reason. I won’t hold her back. If it means taking myself out of the equation, then I’ll do it. She’s already given up too much for me.”
“You still love her?”
My soul burned with the thought of her smile, her tenacity, her insane level of courage. “With everything I am. Hell, she is everything I am.”
“Then you need to make it clear that she can have both—you and her dig.”
“And the SOAR stuff?”
“That’s between you and that heavy-ass guilt you’re carrying. I’m not going to tell you not to do it if it’s what you think you have to do. We all owe our debts to Will, and we all pay differently. You just have to decide if your guilt is worth losing Ember.”
“I don’t know how to live without her.”
“Then stop standing here like a whiny bitch, get out the kneepads, and hit your knees. Beg. Plead. You, of all people, taught me the value of laying our shit bare, of fighting for the women we love.”
“She took the ring off, and I basically told her it was okay. I gave her the out. How the hell do I fight that?” It was all I could say, because it was all I could think. How could she walk away when I couldn’t so much as contemplate a life without her?
Because you made her, you jackass.
“Then put it back on her hand. Don’t accept the invitation to assess for SOAR. Fix your mess, Josh. She’s stood by you through a hell of a lot.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I get it. You’ve walked through Hell these last six months, and I love you like a brother. You saved my life, and I will never be able to repay you for that.”
“Jagger, don’t.” I couldn’t take one more thank-you.
“But because I love you, I will kick your fucking ass if you don’t loosen your sphincter to let your head out.”
My head snapped toward his. “You know I can physically take you, right?”
“Yeah, well, it’s worth the risk. You two have always been what I’ve looked up to, and I’m not really thrilled that Paisley and I are beating you out in the ‘stable couple’ department. Hell, Grayson and Sam are beating you, even with all their drama. Get. A. Fucking. Grip. Or you’ll be right, and she’ll be gone. You can be the badass SOAR pilot, and you can fly the covert missions, but it’s going to cost you Ember. Even if she stays with you, that mission will eat a hole in her soul, and you know it.”
Trying to envision a future without December—her laugh, the way her arms wrapped around me, the feel of her body underneath me as I made love to her… My eyes squeezed shut, like they couldn’t bear to see it. “What am I going to do? She doesn’t even realize that this is equally about giving her the future she’s worked for. She thinks I’m only living for Will. To make his sacrifice mean something. She doesn’t see that by doing one, I give her the other.”
Jagger slung the bag over his shoulder. “Yeah, well, maybe Carter would want you to fly SOAR. Maybe he would have wanted you to carry out that legacy, but I can tell you for sure that he never would have wanted you to lose Ember over it.”
He pushed past me and headed downstairs.
“So that’s your advice? Pull my head out of my ass?” I called over the railing.
“That about sums it up!”
“And what if I’m right? What if she’s done?”
He paused midway down and looked up at me. “You’ve never been a coward, Josh, so don’t start now. You’ll fly into a hot LZ to save a soldier, so take the fucking risk and save your relationship.”
I stood in our living room later that afternoon, but it didn’t feel the same. She’d left an hour ago for the airport, taking the out I’d foolishly given her—forced on her. I’d stupidly watched from Jagger’s window as she pulled out of our driveway, taking my heart with her. I was pretty sure I’d left fingernail marks in his windowsill to keep from going after her.
Who the hell was I to keep her from her dream? Then I’d be the epitome of what her dad had hated about Riley. I swear, she won’t be trapped under my dream. My promise to him twisted the knife I’d cut myself open with.
“I set her free,” I called out, my voice morbidly loud in the empty house. “I didn’t keep her caged.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “But if it was the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?”
Without Ember, this house was just a shell, an echo of something beautiful. The warmth, the welcome, the feeling of home, it was gone, because she was gone. Our pictures, our furniture…everything we’d started building together was here, but without her, none of this meant anything. It felt as empty as I was without her.
Without her love holding me together, I started to unravel. Every fuck-up I’d put her through the last few months replayed in my head. Every time I couldn’t talk to her, couldn’t let her in. The motorcycle race, the nightmares, returning to the deployment. The short emails we’d exchanged during the last couple of months, which did nothing to bridge the monumental canyon I’d created.
She deserved this job without me fucking it up for her, or feeling like she had to choose. Hell, she deserved a fuck-up free life. Maybe taking off her ring was her way of saying she knew it, too. I stared at the empty portion of the coffee table where she’d laid it last night. Maybe she’d taken it with her? Maybe she had put it back on?
Or maybe she’d left it in her jewelry box.
My steps felt leaden as I climbed the stairs. Everything felt heavy, my heart, my limbs, my choices. What if I found the ring in her jewelry box? What if she’d really given up on us…given up on me?
What the hell was I supposed to do? If I didn’t join SOAR, would Ember come home? Give up on the dig? If I did join, would that be even worse for her? What would Carter say? That they needed the best? That it was our obligation to step up? What would Doc Howard have said? Would the father in him demand that I take a desk job and protect his daughter? Or would the soldier he was understand the debt I had to pay?
He’d kick your ass for the way you’ve hurt her.
The sun came in through the window, and my face reflected in the glass frame of the print at the head of the stairs. I looked as shitty as I felt. I focused past my pale face and sunken eyes to the words beneath the glass. The Gettysburg Address. My eyes skimmed the words, my mind filling with memories of sitting next to Ember in history class, trying my damnedest to keep my focus on our professor instead of her.
I’d failed.
What’s your full measure? she’d asked me. Where was my resolve? I pulled Carter’s ring from my pocket and turned it over in my fingers as I read through the address.
“‘But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.’” My voice carried through our empty house, reverberating off the walls like I lived in a tomb.
We cannot hallow this ground…because they’d already made the greatest of sacrifices. There was no higher elevation to ascend to, no better way to consecrate that ground because those soldiers had already done so with their own blood. To have tried would have been arrogant, as if there was anything the living could have done to compare with the price that had already been paid.
My forehead rested against the cool glass, and my eyes slid shut.
“This is the only way I know to make his sacrifice matter!”
“It already does!”
Our words from last night’s fight slammed through me, shattering the last of my grief, my guilt, into manageable pieces. I was doing the same, trying to make Will’s sacrifice mean more, trying to earn it. He’d offered up his very life for mine, and there was no way to make that sacrifice mean more than it already did.
Now I was the arrogant bastard.
My fist closed around his ring, and I concentrated on the edges cutting into my palm, letting the pain ground me. SOAR was his dream, not mine. And yeah, he’d think it was kick-ass if I flew with the 160th…but he’d be pissed if he could see what I’d done to my relationship.
He lives for them.
He’d needed Jagger to live for Paisley. That love, their future family had been his last thought. His last word had been garbled through his blood, but I’d heard when he’d whispered Peyton’s name.
Love.
His last moments weren’t a lament of never flying with SOAR. They weren’t spent talking about how honorable it had been to save our lives. Because in those final, gasping breaths, that hadn’t mattered. He’d only needed to know that his friends would live, that Paisley would be okay, that he’d be with Peyton soon. If Will left a legacy, it was love. And I let mine slip through my fingers because I was an arrogant bastard with my head up my ass.
Of course she’d left, given up, taken the out I damn-near shoved down her throat. I had taken the last of her hope and crushed it when I walked out that door last night.
God, I’d wanted to stay, ached to, but I knew I would have given in if I’d lingered one second longer. I would have put my hands on her, forgotten every reason she needed to go, and I would have let her stay.
Maybe I could live with the guilt of what happened to Will, but watching that fire inside Ember die slowly? That would kill me.
My cell phone buzzed in the pocket of my shorts, and I fumbled it before I swiped it to answer the Colorado number. “Hello?”
“Mr. Walker?” a sweet voice asked.
I glanced at the phone again, trying to place the number with the slightly familiar voice. “Yes?”
“Hi! This is Mrs. Patricks, your wedding coordinator?”
Well if this wasn’t the most fucked-up moment for this call. Fuck, what if she already canceled our wedding? Or maybe it was the deposit. Yeah, that had to be it. “Hi, Mrs. Patricks.” I rubbed the skin between my eyes. I’d been making payments from Afghanistan, but there was still a thousand due before next week. “I know the balance for the deposit is due.”
“Oh, no. That’s not why I’m calling. With yesterday’s payment, your balance is paid in full. I was actually letting you know that the photographer you wanted has signed his contract.”
Great, now we’d have to cancel that, too, if I’d lost her. Wait— “Did you say the balance was paid in full?”
“Yes.” Clicking sounds resonated in the background. “Miss Howard emailed me last night and made the final payment.”
I nearly hit my knees. “She did?”
“Yes. Late last night, actually. Five hundred dollars. The other payments had been spread out between the ones you’ve sent me directly and the ones posted online.”
Ember. She’d been making payments. She’d made one after we fought last night. Somehow, even after everything I’d put her through, she still wanted to marry me.
She still had hope.
“Mr. Walker?” Mrs. Patricks asked.
“Yeah, thank you for letting me know, but I have to go. I’ll tell Ember about the photographer, thank you.” I hung up and raced down the stairs, jumping the last four.
My feet damn near flew as I raced through our living room, grabbing my keys off the coffee table and leaving Will’s ring in their place.
What about her ring? Don’t you need it? I skidded to a halt in the kitchen. Nope. Fuck the ring. If she’d left it here, I’d buy her a new one. I’d buy her five new ones.
We’d work it out. We had to. I’d crawl on my fucking knees if I had to, but I wasn’t losing her. I’d find a way for her to have everything—our love and her career— without choosing. I dialed her number as the garage door opened painfully slow, and the call went to voicemail as I climbed behind the wheel.
When the third call went to voicemail, and I was halfway out of our neighborhood, I broke down and called Sam.
“What the hell do you want, Walker?” she snapped.
“Her phone is going to voicemail.”
“Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you. Hell, I don’t even want to talk to you, and I’m not the one you crushed.”
“Sam!” I shouted, coming to a screeching halt at the stop sign. “I fucked up, okay? I put…everything before her, and I know she’s hurt. But I have never, not for one second, ever not loved Ember. She’s my entire reason for existing. I just need to talk to her, Sam. I have to clear this up. I’ll do whatever the fuck she wants, but I can’t lose her. So if you wouldn’t mind just maybe giving me her damned flight information, I would be very appreciative!”
“You’re losing your shit.”
“I have nothing to lose, Sam. Come on. She’s everything.”
“Give him the flight information, Samantha,” Grayson said in the background.
“Do you have me on speaker?” I nearly gagged.
“It seemed like a family kind of moment.”
I could practically see her shrug from here.
“Sam—” Grayson hissed.
“Fine. But you hurt her again, Josh, and I’ll add more scars to that body of yours.”
“Deal.”
“She’s on TransAtlantic Flight 3305 out of Nashville in…one hour.”
I was fifty minutes from the airport. “Thank you, Sam.”
“You know, she has her cell phone off. She’s not avoiding you,” she admitted softly.
A giant sigh of relief tore through me as I hit seventy-five on the highway. “There’s hope.”
“That girl loves you more than an ancient city full of relics.”
A grin tilted my mouth. “That’s really saying something.”
“Yeah, well, love like that doesn’t come along every day.”
“No, it doesn’t. I’m going after her, Sam.”
“Good, and for once…screw the speed limit, Josh.”
I pressed the pedal to the floor as we hung up and drove like a bat out of hell to the Nashville airport. This was our moment, and it was fucking movie worthy. I made it in forty-three minutes.
The car was barely in park before I jumped from my seat and ran into the terminal, cueing up the flight-tracker app on my phone. I just had to buy a ticket, and I could get through security. The shortest line was for StatesAir, so I headed that way as my phone pulled up the departure info.
I could get through security in about two seconds thanks to being TSA pre-checked, so that wouldn’t take me—
Fuck.
My fist clenched around my cell phone, and I sucked in air through my teeth to keep from exploding.
No. No. No…
Her plane had already left the gate. I’d missed my chance.
I stuttered through one breath, and then another, trying to relieve the god-awful pressure in my chest. I refused to lose her. Not like this, not ever.
Now I just had to prove that to her.