Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ember
The next month passed in what was my idea of working perfection. We talked, laid everything bare, and accepted each other’s fears, doubts, ugly little truths. The nightmares were down to a couple of times a week, and he managed to sit through an entire movie at the theater without leaving because of the crowds.
But no matter how much progress we made, I still saw the moments where he wasn’t with me. That vacant look came over his face, his eyes focused in the distance, and I knew he was…there.
The scars faded to a light pink, his air cast came off after one week longer than he’d originally been told, and he’d even admitted that he’d screwed up by taking it off for the race. He was getting stronger in physical therapy and, two and a half months after the crash, had almost full mobility.
I took my GRE’s and was waiting on my scores. Waiting to decide if I was really going to Ephesus in a few weeks. I still leaned toward no. After all, we were finally in a great place after surviving a shit storm, and these last couple of months had been the longest we’d ever lived together. I wasn’t exactly in a rush to run off to Turkey, not when it could jeopardize what we’d worked so hard for. But we talked, we loved, we touched. We did easy, simple things like cooking dinner.
We lived.
We planned our wedding, which may end up being the single biggest reason we’d never divorce. Hell if I was ever going to go through this crap again. “Ugh. Who seriously needs that much time to book out?” I groaned, nearly throwing my iPad onto the couch as Josh did shirtless pushups on the living room floor. Good God, that man was a marvel of creation.
“Who now?”
“Photographer. We need to find a different one. If we want the one that’s recommended on the wedding site, he needs ten months.”
“Well. We’re. At. Ten. Months.” He spoke between reps, just breathless enough to make me want to slide under his body, sweat and all.
“And he’s like…two thousand dollars.”
He paused. “Damn.”
“For a deposit.”
He hit the floor. “Okay, well, I don’t plan on getting married more than once, so give the man what he wants and book him.”
“Between this and the reception…”
“Yeah, well, I married a girl with good taste. It will be fine.”
“Mom offered.”
“No,” he answered, coming to his feet. He stretched his arms above his head, the lines of his abs rippling, and I damn near fell off the couch. “Your mom is still paying for April’s school and supporting Gus. The answer is no.”
“Maybe I should think twice about grad school,” I muttered. “The money Dad left me for college is dwindling.”
“You’ll get a scholarship. I’m not stressed.” He headed for our kitchen, grabbing water from the fridge. “And if you don’t, we’ll pay for it.”
He came over, kissed my forehead, and walked toward the stairs. Even the man’s back was sexy. “Want some company in the shower?”
“That’s something I could most definitely agree to.”
There was a knock at the door. Crap. I hopped up and checked the window. “Paisley’s here.” With awful timing.
“Well, have fun, and don’t forget we have that barbecue tonight.” He disappeared up the stairs.
“Hey,” I said, opening the door.
“Morning,” she answered, a small gift bag in her hand. Her eyes were slightly puffy, and her smile forced.
“Why don’t you come in?”
She nodded. “Just for a second.”
I shut the door behind her and turned to see her pacing my living room. “Is everything okay? Jagger? The baby?”
She paused, startled. “Oh, yes, they’re okay.” Paisley ran her hand over her belly like she could actually caress their son. “Everyone is fine. I just got a box from Will’s mom. I’d taken all his things down to Alabama for her to sort through, but I must have missed this.” She handed over the bag. “It’s for Josh.”
I took it by the handle, its weight far heavier than the ounces it felt. “Oh.”
“I don’t know what’s on it—the USB drive—but mine was a video.”
My heart sank. The videos I’d seen of my father since he died were such a double-edged sword. “Oh, Paisley.”
She shook her head quickly and blinked back tears. “No, no. It was…good. Good to see him. I watched it before Jagger got up,” she whispered the last.
“Why?”
“I didn’t want him to see me cry. I’m better most days, really, I am. And I don’t want him to think that my tears mean I love him less. I just…I miss Will. Even after we broke up, and he was such an ass…” She laughed. “He’s always been a part of my life, and that hole he left, that’s not something that can be filled, you know?”
My fingers tightened on the small paper handles of the bag. “Yeah, I understand that perfectly.”
Her lips quirked upward. “It’s funny how they’re the ones that die, but we’re the ones who are changed.”
“Irrevocably.”
A look passed between us, just as it had the first time we met and understood each other on a level not many people could. “We on for Sunday night dinner?”
“Always,” I replied.
“I’d better get back before he tries walking on his own again. Two months in those casts did a number on him, but he’ll get it back.”
“Well, if he starts growling, you’re welcome to hide out here and throw food through the window so he’s fed.”
She laughed and hugged me before she left. As soon as the door shut, I took out my laptop and set it up on the coffee table, then put the bag next to it. Josh jogged down the stairs a few minutes later in MultiCam pants and a T-shirt.
“What did Paisley need? I can hop over before I go to my appointment.”
“No, she’s good. But she brought you something.” I picked up the bag. “It’s from Will.”
He paused mid step, then took a breath and walked over to me, gently taking the bag from my hand. He brought out the USB drive first and raised his eyebrows at me.
“Paisley said it was a video. Do you want to see it?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly and sat next to me on the couch as I booted it up on my computer.
“Ready?” I asked, my finger on the mousepad.
He nodded, and I tapped the play button.
Will’s face illuminated the screen, and I sucked in my breath. “He looks so—”
“Alive,” Josh answered.
I took his hand as Will sat in front of the camera and gave us an awkward wave from his old apartment.
“Hey. So I guess I should start with: if you’re watching this, then things did not go the way I planned, which definitely…well, sucks. I hope that I went doing something meaningful, and if not…well, let’s just pretend I did, okay?” He smiled, and my chest tightened like a vise on my heart. “But listen. There’s something I want you to have.”
Josh pulled a ring box out of the bag. “Oh, shit,” he whispered, and then popped the case open. Will’s West Point ring stared back at him and tears instantly welled in my eyes.
“I know you called me a ring-knocker on more than one occasion.”
“You were,” Josh muttered.
“And I was,” Will agreed as if he could hear Josh. “There was this one time we were on the flight line, remember? When you told me that I knew nothing about loyalty. That I wouldn’t last a day—”
“In a real platoon,” Josh finished in time with Will, then hung his head.
“Stop kicking yourself, because you were right. I wouldn’t have, not back then. But all those times we were studying, when you were catching up on my notes in the Advanced Course, I don’t think you realized that you were really the one teaching me.” Will sighed. “Once I knew what you’d been through on your first deployment, I watched you. Watched how you took on the world like you’d never been scarred by it. I watched how you loved Ember, how you’re protecting her even right now while you’re in Afghanistan and I’m just getting home from fixing her disposal.”
I whimpered, my hand flying to cover my mouth. I’d seen him right before he filmed this. He’d stood in my kitchen, helping me, talking to me, and died a few short weeks later. The unfairness of it was devastating.
“Being around you taught me the value of friendship, and I know you guys didn’t want to let me into your little club, but you did. And I’m thankful. I learned more about loyalty in the last two years from being with you guys than I did in four years at the Academy.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Okay, so tell Ember to take care of Paisley. I know that’s Jagger’s job, but I also know that what we do means we’re not around as often as we’d like to be. And you should probably marry her, because I’m telling you that you’re not going to find a better woman.”
My teeth sank into my lower lip as tears spilled down my cheeks.
“So, I guess, thank you for teaching me the things I needed to learn. Thank you for being an asshole and showing me my own…assholishness…I guess. You’ve taught me perseverance, and brotherhood, and from the reports we’re getting back here of those missions you’re flying over there, the rescues you’re making, well, I have a lot more to learn from you once I get there. Maybe I can talk you into going SOAR with me.” He grinned.
“But just in case, live well. Love hard. Try to follow a goddamn rule every once in a while, just to throw people for a loop, okay?”
He stood, and I wanted to yell at him not to turn off the video, just to give us another second, but he reached for the camera—and paused, coming back into eyesight. “For the record, I should have moved that fucking polar bear with you. Bye, brother.”
A click later, and the screen was black.
Josh snapped the ring box shut and dropped his head over his hands, sucking in long, deep breaths. “I killed him.”
I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and leaned into his arm. “You gave him what he desperately needed. Friends. A family. Everything else was out of your hands.”
“Logically, I know that, but I close my eyes and see his face above me, taking those shots.”
“I’m so sorry.” I pressed a kiss into the fabric of his shirt.
“Me, too,” he said quietly. His lips brushed my forehead, then he stood. “I’ll be back after my appointment, okay?”
He was gone a few moments later, and I pressed play again, pausing when Will grinned. I wanted to remember him just like that. “It mattered, Will,” I told him. “Your death. It mattered. It will always matter to me.”
I was going to fucking kill him. “Dead, dead, dead,” I muttered as I stood in the garage doorway. What the hell had he been thinking?
Jagger whistled low, leaning against the doorframe, crutches braced under his arms and giant boots on his lower legs. “So this is how death-by-fiancée begins…”
“Shut up,” I snapped. “And are you even supposed to be walking around?”
“It’s part of my physical therapy,” he flat-out lied. “Seriously. I’m cleared for weight-bearing casts.”
“Paisley’s going to kill you if you overdo it.”
“What she doesn’t know isn’t going to hurt her.” His eyes shifted to the Ducati.
Well, I sure as hell knew about the motorcycle now. “I can’t believe he did this.”
Jagger sucked his breath in through his teeth and shook his head. “You know, Josh is my best friend, but on this…yeah, I’ve got nothing.”
“Speak of the devil,” I muttered as Josh pulled into the driveway behind me. He hopped out of the Jeep, the doors long since removed in the hot weather.
“Hey, babe.” He walked over and kissed my neck. “Oh! She made it! Damn, I thought she was being delivered tomorrow.”
“Yeah, well, I hope that bike looks good wearing an engagement ring.” Jagger laughed and left us, walking with tiny, excruciating steps back to his own house.
“What?” Josh asked. “Do you need me to carry you, old man?”
“It’s going to be hard for you to walk once she kicks you in the balls, man.” He flipped Josh the bird and kept going.
“Why would you do that?” Josh asked, but then caught the look of hell in my eyes. “Whoa.”
“You brought that fucking Ducati here?” I spat the words at him.
His mouth opened and closed a few times. “My mom said it couldn’t stay there.”
“So you thought it should come here?” And invade my sanity? Next to Josh’s Harley, it looked like the brother no one in the family wanted to talk about…because he was still in jail, and somehow knocking up nuns.
“Bad idea?” he asked honestly.
“Only if you wanted to ever have sex again because your fiancée is still hugely pissed about the death machine in her garage.”
We stood there, side by side in relative silence for a moment while he digested the news that his pretty little baby wasn’t welcome. Because it’s the spawn of Satan.
“Okay, well, I love that bike, so we’re going to have to come to a compromise. I swear on my life that I will never race it again.”
I side-eyed him. “A compromise like it not being here?”
He cringed. “Like a storage unit nearby?” His tone was pleading.
I wanted to kick the damn thing over, but that was about as mature a move as the one I’d pulled running away from him in Arizona. “How about we go to this barbecue and we’ll talk about it later?” After I find an appropriate junkyard.
His entire posture relaxed. “Thank God. I mean, yes, that sounds like a plan.”
“Nice. Go get changed. I’ll meet you in the car.”
The barbecue was in full swing by the time we made it to the Trivette’s house on the outskirts of Clarksville. It was a beautiful two-story with a wraparound porch and a giant backyard that was currently full of families.
“Walker!” Rizzo called out, waving us over.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Josh asked, taking the offered beer. I declined, since someone would have to drive home so we could fight over the silver speedster in our garage.
Rizzo lifted his hand, squeezing his fingers. “I’m healed up. Got the all-clear and everything. How about you?”
Josh lifted the leg of his cargo shorts to expose the long, pink scar. “Good to go. I actually got my up-slip today.”
My stomach hit the floor. “You did?”
“Yeah,” he said with a huge grin. “I’m ready to get back up there. I meant to tell you, but we got distracted.”
That’s a word for it. I shouldn’t be worried, right? He needed to get back in the seat for his own well-being. Besides, it wasn’t like people were going to shoot at him on Fort Campbell. This was for the best.
Then why does it hurt like a bitch?
Was I ever going to be able to watch him fly again without remembering the notification? Will’s funeral? The scars on his body?
“What about you, Mrs. Walker?” Rizzo asked, checking out my ring.
I snapped out of my thoughts. “Oh, well, that’s not until next year. I’m still Miss Howard.”
“Well, then how are you, Miss Howard?”
“I am still a work in progress, but I’ll let you know.”
He gave me a knowing nod. “I like a truthful woman.”
Josh pulled me under his arm. “Well, this one is mine, so find your own.”
He laughed. “Hey, you know my policy on that one.”
“Gentlemen, I’m so glad I found you,” a deep voice came from behind us. We turned to see Major Trivette walking toward us, his cute five-year-old daughter on his hip. She had her father’s blond hair and solemn eyes. Way too solemn for a five-year-old. “Can I steal a few minutes?”
“I can take her,” I offered.
“No, you should stay. Abigail, why don’t you run and play with your friends?” he said, lowering her gently to the ground with a kiss. She gave him a small nod and raced off, her sundress bouncing as she ran for the swing set.
Major Trivette turned back to us. “I’m sorry I haven’t had the chance to check on you guys. I meant to so many times, but just…” He sighed. “Alice would never forgive me for that oversight.”
“Sir, you’ve been otherwise occupied, and we would never expect that of you,” Josh interjected.
“Well, nonetheless. How are you?”
“We’re both cleared for duty, sir,” Rizzo answered.
Hearing Rizzo say it felt like someone cocked a loaded shotgun and pointed it at my heart.
“Good, that’s good.” He looked to Josh. “She liked you. She said that you showed a great deal of promise. Courageous. I believe that was the word she used.”
Josh paled. “Rash, impetuous, foolish. I think those words might better suit.”
Major Trivette’s eyes narrowed. “You still blame yourself.”
“Well, sir, that falls squarely on my shoulders. You’ve read the report.” Josh tensed, and I wanted to reach out and hold him, to assure him again that it wasn’t his fault. I just wished I knew how many times I’d have to say it before he believed me.
“Yes. She gave the order to fly into that valley.”
“Because it was my best friend.”
“No,” Major Trivette snapped. “Don’t you dare take that from her. She would have made the call for any soldier. She was the pilot in command, not you, Walker. She knew what was at stake, and she chose to take her crew into battle. She chose to medevac those pilots. I miss her every time I take a breath, but I’m also incredibly proud of her. You can’t take that away by acting like she was guilted into going in. You and I both know Alice didn’t do a damn thing she didn’t want to.”
Josh picked at the label on his beer. “I am so sorry we lost her,” he said once he looked up.
Major Trivette reached across us and clasped Josh on the shoulder. “I am, too. God knows it. But she’d be proud of how she died. She’d be prouder that you two carried on and saved that other pilot. And I can tell you that she lived for the mission. She’d be the first in the saddle and back on the front line. Don’t ever think anything less. She died the way she lived, and it was her honor, not your fault. There’s a difference.”
Josh nodded, his jaw working. He was tightly strung, clinging to the strands of his control with slipping fingers. I added my hand to his, offering a quiet support that he took with a gentle squeeze. “She was a hell of a woman, sir.”
He looked over to where his children played. “She was.”
We left the barbecue early, both more than a little raw from the day’s events. As Josh sat in our living room that night, turning Will’s ring over in his hand, I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d just paved the way for closure, or ripped the scabs off anew.
One thing I’d learned about grief—it was almost impossible to tell the difference between the two.
They both hurt like hell.