Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ember
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I said under my breath, wishing my heart would start beating again. “He’s joking, right?”
The muscle in Josh’s jaw flexed, but he didn’t take his eyes off Evan. “I don’t think he is.”
“You’re not seriously considering this, are you?”
He didn’t answer. Holy shit. He actually is.
Words failed me.
Evan hopped off the box and made his way to us. “Come on, Walker. You up for it?”
“I don’t do this anymore,” Josh said. The tiniest bit of relief leaked into me.
“You too good for us now?” Evan asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“Fuck, Evan. You know it’s not like that,” Josh answered, ripping his hand over his hair.
“I’m not so sure. You don’t call, you don’t write, don’t even say hi when you’re in town.” His tone was kidding, but his eyes were anything but. “Least you can do is give me a shot at winning her back.”
“Not happening.”
Evan turned his attention to me and let his eyes openly wander. “Come on, it’s not like you ride her.”
I barely suppressed a shudder.
Josh pulled me under his arm and glared at Evan, his expression more than a little scary. “Don’t go there,” he said in almost a whisper.
Evan shrugged. “One ride. You win, you walk. You lose, and I’ll pick my bike up from your house in the morning.”
“I don’t see any reason to,” Josh answered. I wound my arm around his waist, the muscles so tense he felt like stone.
“Because you owe me. You got a fresh start and left the rest of us here to rot.” Any trace of joking bled from Evan’s voice until there was only thinly veiled hatred.
Josh shook his head. “I had no choice. It was leave or they’d press charges.”
“Yeah, well, what do you think the rest of us went through? Not everyone’s mom was cool with picking up and moving.”
Josh’s arm around me tightened. “I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t look back. So do this one thing, and we’ll be even. Show me how many layers of the new and improved Josh Walker I have to strip off to see who you really are, because you can fool your pretty little red-headed fiancée, here, but you can’t fool me. I know who you are in the marrow of your bones.”
“Things change.”
Evan scoffed. “People don’t.”
They stared each other down in what was probably the most uncomfortable silence I’d ever witnessed.
“One race.” Evan broke it. “Come on. No cops, no danger of getting caught, just you and me like we’re sixteen.”
“Except we’re not kids, and we have a hell of a lot more to lose,” Josh argued.
“Ha. Speak for yourself.”
“Josh,” I whispered. He couldn’t do this. He wouldn’t. Not something he’d left behind eight years ago. There was no chance, right? I knew him better than Evan did.
Josh’s eyes narrowed, but his concentration stayed on Evan. “One race,” he agreed.
Or maybe you don’t know him as well as you think. My blood turned to ice, freezing everything in its path to my heart.
“For the bike?” Evan asked.
“For the bike,” Josh agreed.
Josh dropped his arm from around me to shake on their ridiculous deal, and then Evan walked away, announcing that they’d race.
Josh turned his back on the group, taking a deep breath and putting his hands on his head. I willed my limbs to move, my mouth to speak, but nothing functioned.
“Ember?” he asked, then touched my shoulder. When I didn’t turn, he took my hand and guided me back to the Ducati, far enough to have some space from the crowd. “Babe, it’s just a stupid race. It’ll take maybe five minutes.”
My frozen blood flash-boiled. “Five minutes. That’s not so bad. I mean, what, that’s about the time it takes to crash a helicopter, right?”
He stepped back like I’d slapped him. “Not fair.”
“Not fair? What’s not fair is you almost dying a month ago. What’s not fair is burying our friend. You choosing to hurl your body down a concrete strip for the sheer fun of it? That’s just fucking stupid.”
His jaw flexed. “I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Good, because there’s no way that’s going to happen. Damn it, Josh! You’re twenty-five, not seventeen!” My fingers bit into my palms.
He put on his jacket and zipped it up before taking my face in his hands. “This is who I am. Hockey, motorcycles, flying. You’ve always known it. Please don’t act like you didn’t.”
Wasn’t he right? Josh, at his core, was always going to push the envelope, always going to seek the thrill that lay just past the safe zone. It was what had drawn me to him in the first place.
“Please don’t do this,” I begged shamelessly.
He flinched. “December.”
“I will do anything you want if you just walk away from this right now.”
An engine revved in the background, and he looked over my shoulder. “I have to go.”
“No, you’re choosing to go. Make no mistake about that.”
He sighed, and then brushed a quick kiss on my lips. “You know me better than that. I love you.”
“I’ll take care of her,” a leggy brunette said, rubbing her hand on Josh’s shoulder.
Josh startled. “Simone.”
She flashed him a smile. “Just like old times, huh?”
That look on her face said their version of “old times” hadn’t just been street-racing. My stomach turned over. God, this was college all over.
No, it’s not. Don’t give in to that kind of drama.
“If you mean Evan pulling me into shit I have no business being in, then yeah, kind of.” He looked back to me, his gaze softening. “Ember, Simone will take you to watch.”
“I don’t want to watch,” I said through my teeth.
“Five minutes,” he pled.
I shook my head, stepping out of his hands. “Ridiculous.”
“I love you.” He buckled his helmet and drove the Ducati over to the starting line, where Evan was already waiting.
“Let’s go, princess,” Simone said, leading me to a tall dais. I climbed the ladder, cursing Josh with every rung until I stood on the top, at least six feet off the ground. A few bikes took off to watch the finish line, while others lined up along the route.
I had half a mind to leave, but what the hell was I going to do, call an Uber driver to the middle-of-nowhere, illegal racing strip? I didn’t know a single soul other than Josh, or even have the slightest idea of how to get back to Winslow.
“Uncomfortable?” Simone asked, leaning on the metal railing so far that her ass nearly hung out of her short leather skirt.
“Just a little out of my element,” I admitted, resting my elbows on the rounded metal. Josh and Evan waited about fifteen feet ahead, both talking to Samuel and nodding at intervals.
“Yeah, well, I never thought he’d end up with someone like you,” she muttered.
Hell no. “Josh left here eight years ago. Please don’t act like you still know him.”
She straightened, looking down on me. “I know you’ll never keep him happy. Josh has always needed the rush, and seeing as he’s here right now, that’s still true.”
My muscles locked one by one, as if my body was trying to forcibly contain the anger that was rolling in my stomach. I concentrated on Josh’s helmet and sent up a little prayer that he not do anything that would get him hurt even more. “That may be true, but you don’t know me, or us.”
She laughed, the sound grating on my last nerve. “He’ll never stay tucked away in some safe little desk job, and I know that’s what someone like you would want.”
Start the damn race already, before I throw her off this thing. “And what makes you think that?” Crap, I’d taken her bait, and her Cheshire-cat smile told me she was all too happy about it.
“Because he didn’t give in when you asked him not to race. I heard you.”
Okay, that hurt, but I breathed through the crippling pressure in my chest. She didn’t know us. Didn’t know what we’d been through in the last two and a half years. Didn’t know the strength of our love, our determination, our commitment. I ran my thumb over the band of my engagement ring.
Josh swung his leg over the bike, and my heart stuttered. Maybe he was going to listen. Maybe he wouldn’t race. Hope lit my smile as he jogged over to me, and I crouched down. My happiness that he’d decided to see reason squashed the near-rebuke at running on his leg. “Thank you,” I said as he looked up at me.
His forehead puckered as he took off his jacket. “No, I just… I wasn’t getting enough mobility.”
The sound of Velcro unfastening nearly paralyzed me. “What the hell are you doing?”
He handed me his air cast. “I’ll put it back on as soon as we’re done.”
My hands took it, despite my brain ordering them not to, my mouth hanging slightly open as he put his jacket back on and zipped it. “I love you. You and me against the world, right?”
“Right,” I whispered. But what if it’s just me against you and the world?
He flashed me a smile and ran back to the bike, sliding on in one smooth motion. I stood slowly, clutching his cast like it was a link to the only piece of him that I recognized.
Simone didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. Her point had been made loud and clear by the one person I’d needed on my side of an argument he didn’t realize we were in.
“Here we go, princess. You ready to console him? Evan hasn’t taken the eight-year break Josh has.”
“I won’t need to console him.” My chin lifted and my shoulders straightened.
They revved their engines, and Samuel backed up a few feet, raising his arms.
“Why is that?” Simone asked, lifting her eyebrow at me.
“Because I know him better than you do.”
She might have said something, but I tuned her out, my brain focusing 100 percent on Josh as Samuel dropped his arms.
The noise was deafening as the bikes sprang forward. Nausea tore through me as the engines whirred to a high pitch and then back down as they coursed through the gears. Just let him be safe. Please, let him be safe.
They sped down the runway lit only by the red road flares and their own headlights. I gasped, my fingernails biting into his cast as Evan swerved to the right, knocking Josh off-course. Asshole.
Josh corrected and then drove even faster. The speed sucked my heart straight out of my body. He’d never survive if he crashed going this fast. I’d lose him.
What if that was what he wanted? Was that what this was? Did he feel so guilty about what had happened to Trivette, to Will, that he was testing his own fate? Or was he so numb to it all that he truly couldn’t understand what the hell he was doing to me? To himself?
Did I even have the right to push the subject?
His taillight got smaller the farther he went from me, and I couldn’t help but feel like it was more than physical distance growing between us on that strip of concrete. My breath stuttered in my lungs as the lights swerved again, but then stayed steady.
The engines died down as they passed the finish line, but the cheers were almost as loud. “I can’t tell who won from here,” Simone said.
“Josh did.”
“What makes you so sure?”
I kept my eyes locked on Josh as he sped back toward us, Evan on his heels. He came to a sudden halt at the start line and ripped his helmet off before dismounting. The smile he gave me was blinding. The race had invigorated him, forced life back into his veins. Or maybe he had simply siphoned it from me.
I gave Simone a smile that Paisley would have been proud of. “You might have doubted the Josh that you knew, but my Josh, the one I’m marrying? He doesn’t know how to fail. It’s not in his vocabulary.” Go to hell.
He walked toward us, his eyes never straying from me despite the girls who pushed into his path. The sight took the edge off my razor-sharp anger. He was a flaming, hot mess of a man, but he was mine, and he knew it.
He reached up for me, and I handed him his cast. Put it on. I said it all with one arched eyebrow, and his grin only widened as he did. Using the railing, I swung to sit on the edge of the platform, and he pulled me through the opening, holding me tight as I slid down the length of his body.
“I won.” His face looked like a five-year-old’s at Christmas.
“Yes.”
“What did you think? Pretty badass, right? There’s nothing like it.”
“I think there are quicker ways to kill yourself that don’t include making me watch. Now take me home.”
“Ember…”
“Your five minutes are up. You can put me on the back of that bike right now and take me home, or I will start walking, and if that happens, good luck ever getting me on that thing again.”
We locked eyes, a battle of wills that Josh never had a prayer of winning, not when I was this pissed off.
“Congrats, Walker,” Simone said, leaning up to kiss Josh’s cheek. “What’s the matter? Little lady calling in your curfew?”
He didn’t look away from me, but the muscle in his jaw flexed.
“That offer is about to expire,” I warned softly.
He stepped back from me but held my hand, gently leading me toward the Ducati.
“Leaving so soon?” Evan asked, his helmet off and his arm around Simone’s waist. “We just got you back.”
“Nawh, man, I was just visiting. But thanks for having us.” Josh got on the bike and offered his arm for balance as I took my helmet and jacket from Tom and put them on. Then I climbed on behind him and scooted forward until I was flush with his body, my arms wrapping around his rock-hard midsection.
I couldn’t help but sag a little in relief. We were leaving. He wasn’t hurt…well, any more than he’d been when we’d come here.
“Look me up if you’re ever in Tennessee,” Josh said.
“Yeah, well, you always know where to find us.”
Josh nodded and made sure we were clear of the crowd before he opened the Ducati up. The force tried to pull me away from him, but I held tight, refusing to fall off the bike. A hysterical giggle bubbled up. Wasn’t that my life right now? Trying to hold on to Josh while he put the pedal to the metal in every aspect of his life?
God, what was I doing? Was this who he was, or had the crash brought something out in him that had lain dormant? Was it PTSD? Was it just his nature? Was he grieving Will, or scared of the permanency of marriage? Was it all of the above? Was I trying to force him into being someone he wasn’t?
My eyes fluttered shut as the wind roared past us, tears slipping down my cheeks nearly unnoticed. I was so tired. Tired of the fear that hadn’t left me since the moment he’d told me of the deployment. Weary to my bones of the eggshells we’d surrounded ourselves with since he’d been back. Exhausted from lack of sleep, lack of understanding, lack of knowledge. I was holding on to Josh so tightly that every inch of me had been scraped raw.
We pulled into the driveway, and I slid from the bike before he turned it off, already headed inside with my helmet in hand before he called my name. “December.”
I shook my head, all the fight simply…gone.
The air-conditioning hit my face, chilling the tear tracks, and I wiped them away with the back of my sleeve on my way to the bedroom. I stripped quickly, wanting every piece of that motorcycle gone. What a beautiful start of a night. I’d finally felt like we were connecting again on the level we needed, only to end it worlds apart.
“Talk to me,” Josh said, shutting the bedroom door behind him.
“No point.”
He took my face in his hands, tilting it to his. “There is always a point.”
“Why? You won’t listen. Maybe I’m not enough of a rush for you, or whatever it is you’re seeking—whatever it is you need.”
His eyes, deep brown in the dim lighting, searched my face, widening in a panic. “You’re everything I need.” His mouth crashed to mine, hard and insistent. My cry was muffled against his lips, but he jerked back. “Babe?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head free of his hands and backing away. “No. You’re not going to sex your way out of this.”
“It was just a race.”
“It wasn’t just a fucking race!” I yelled. “It’s everything! It’s the bike, and the speeding, and the sex, and the nightmares. But most of all, it’s the ‘I’m fine’ and the silence. God, Josh, that’s the killer. You act like I don’t know you well enough to see that you’re not fine. None of this is fine, and you won’t let me in. You won’t let me help, and that’s not a partnership. That’s not a marriage.”
“What do you want me to say?” he asked, raking his hands through his hair.
“Something! Anything that’s real. You can talk to Paisley? To Jagger? But I’m left wondering what’s going on in your head…in your heart.”
“I have always loved you. I will always love you. That will never change.” He stepped toward me, and I retreated.
“Then give me something to hang on to.”
“You don’t want inside my head.” He moved back until he leaned against the closed door.
“Yes, I do! I’m not some weak little girl, Josh. Don’t treat me like one. The distant look in your eyes, the way you drive, even the way you make love to me…you’re not fine. We both know it. And I’m trying. I swear, I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do—where I’m supposed to push, where I’m supposed to give you space—but I can’t because you won’t even tell me if I’m in the ballpark. Am I supposed to just stand here while you self-destruct?”
“I am doing the best I can.” Every line in his body was tense, like he was ready for the fight…or to flee.
“Then talk to me. Let me help you.”
“You can’t,” he said softly, his eyes dark with a sadness I couldn’t seem to touch, to heal.
“Let me try. Please. Don’t shut me out.” I reached for him, and he stepped to the side, avoiding my touch. “Josh, please!”
“Damn it! Has it ever dawned on you that I don’t want you to know? That you are the last person I want in my fucking head? It’s with me every second, every day. No matter what I do, it’s there, waiting…festering. The only time I can escape the thoughts, the memories, the nightmares is when I’m with you. When I’m kissing you, holding you, inside you. You are the last safe place I have in this world, and you’re going to have to forgive me if I’m not ready to give that up and trade it for the look in your eyes when you realize what an ugly mess it is in here.” He tapped his heart. “Forgive me if I’m not ready for you, of all people, to see me as broken.”
“You’re breaking me.”
He sucked in his breath.
“Every time you keep me in the dark, every story I hear secondhand, every reckless act you pull, every time you reach for me out of need instead of desire…you break off another piece.”
Pain contorted his face for a second before he swallowed and looked away. “I’m sorry for that. You deserve better.”
“Josh.” I whispered his name as I moved forward, cupping his cheek in my hand. “I deserve you. But I deserve all of you, and not just what you’re willing to let me see.” He stared at me so long that I finally realized he still wasn’t going to say anything. “You really can’t let me in, can you?” I whispered.
“Let’s go to bed.” His voice dropped.
Just when I thought my heart couldn’t hurt any more, another slice opened me up, bleeding and raw. We readied for bed in a tense silence that didn’t dissipate once we’d climbed beneath the sheets.
“I love you,” he whispered to my back.
I turned over to face him, the contours of his face lit by moonlight through the window. “Then let me in, Josh.”
His eyes closed as if he was in pain. “I can’t.”
I closed the distance between us, putting my palm to his cheek. “You know the thing about the crater today? That giant impact?”
“That tiny, red-haired meteorite,” he added, looking at me as the memory softened both of us. But in my case, it was more like a slow breakdown of everything I’d used to hold myself together the last month.
“That meteorite wasn’t so small to start with. Half of it burned up in the atmosphere, just trying to get to Earth. The rest of it… It almost all vaporized upon impact. It made that impact, for good or bad, but all that’s left of it are tiny, scattered pieces.”
His lips parted, little lines forming between his eyebrows. “December.” He said my name like a prayer, a plea, but when nothing else followed, I rolled onto my side away from him.
I slept like crap, and when Mom texted in the morning, I took it as a sign and packed my bag in silence.
I was in a cab for the airport before he’d even realized I was gone.