Chapter 10
Jessica stood at the hotel window, looking out over the city.
I should have found some food, she thought, as she watched people walking along the sidewalk below. From the eighth story, they looked miniature. It was nearing nine in the evening, and the streetlights lit up the night sky.
The thought of venturing out into the evening made her tired. Maybe the hotel has a bar of some kind, she thought, with food. Or at least a vending machine.
Even the thought of leaving her hotel room and heading to the lobby exhausted her.
Completely overwhelmed, she leaned forward, until her head rested on the glass. How did I get here? she wondered. What made me think that this could work?
What made me think that I could handle this?
What is Victor doing now?
Does he even know that I'm gone?
Her mind crawled over the events of the evening, like the Mars rover, searching for clues that she had gotten it wrong. But as she replayed the events, all she saw in her minds’ movie again and again was how often Victor spoke with Chelsea.
She heard the sound of him laughing at her, and Chelsea joining in.
She was deep in thought when there was a knock at the door.
The smell of food greeted her as she crossed the small hotel room. By the time she opened the door, she was salivating. She had no idea who would be there to great her, but her hunger overrode her sense of caution.
When she opened the door, she stood face to face with Victor.
“Hi,” he said, holding up a bag of food as a peace offering.
Jessica placed her hand on her hip. “How did you find me?” she asked.
“The Porsche,” said Victor. “It has GPS.”
“Oh,” said Jess.
Victor was still in his tuxedo. He was looking at her with concern, his deep blue eyes alight with care.
“Good choice,” he said, “taking the Porsche. It’s my favorite car.”
“It drove nicely,” Jessica said. She eyed the food.
Victor held it up higher. “I brought you a burger. It’s from an American restaurant, and I thought you might like it better than the lobster.”
“I didn’t even get to taste the lobster,” said Jess, feeling faint with hunger at the thought of biting into a burger.
“Well, this will be ten times better,” said Victor.
Jess couldn't hold out any longer. She snatched the bag from Victor’s hands, which made Victor grin.
“Can I come in?” he asked, as Jess turned and walked into the hotel room.
“Yes,” Jessica grumbled.
She reached the bed and sat on it. Tucking her legs up beneath her, she opened the bag. The smell of food became stronger. The paper-wrapped burger felt warm and heavy in her hands, and she opened it eagerly.
She watched Victor move through the room, until he was standing at the window where she'd just been. While she ate, she considered with a sinking heart what she had to say to him.
After her final bite, she crumpled the creasy paper up and pushed it back into the paper bag.
She placed her hands on her legs, and pressed her lips together.
Victor seemed to sense that she was working up to a statement of some kind. He put his hands into his back pocket, and turned to her.
“That didn’t go well, did it?” he asked, speaking before she could.
Jessica shook her head. “No,” she said. “It sure as hell didn’t.”
“Jess, we knew that it wouldn’t be easy. But I thought we could get through it. Together.”
Jessica stood. “I thought so too, Vic. But maybe everyone’s right—my friends, my boss, your brother, your mother… they all think that this doesn’t make sense. Maybe there’s something to that argument. Maybe couples need to have some kind of a foundation of similarities to build on. You know… they go to the same church, or belong to the same social circles…”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?” Victor asked. He stepped closer to her. “Jess, where is this coming from?”
Jessica bit her lip. When she spoke again, she avoided Victor’s eyes. “I’ve been thinking it for a while, Victor. You and I—we don’t make sense. Everyone else sees it.”
“I don’t give a fuck about everyone else, Jess.”
“You do!” cried Jess. “You know that you do. And that’s fine, Vic. I care too. We don’t live on an island. We’re people, with families, and lives, and careers. Futures.”
“Fine,” said Victor. A crease developed on his forehead, creating a deep wrinkle between his brows. “I know that. I know that this is complicated.”
“I wish that it wasn’t,” said Jess. “I wish that you were just a guy… and I was just a girl. And we met, and we fell in love. And no one cared what we did. We could do whatever we wanted to do… be whoever we wanted to be.”
“It’s not like that, is it?” Victor asked. He looked pained. “That’s what I wish for sometimes too. That’s why I like leaving Denmark.”
Jessica’s heart felt heavy. “You can’t keep running away from your responsibilities here,” she said. “Seeing you here, like this—it makes me see you differently.”
“How?” Victor asked.
“You’re royalty. You’re not just Vic,” Jessica said. “You’re Prince Victor.” She couldn't believe what she was about to say next, but she felt that she had to. The words felt painful to speak. “You have a whole life here,” she said. “And I don’t fit into the picture. I don’t think I ever will.”
Victor’s silence let Jess know that he was afraid of the same thing.
She longed for him to protest, to present a counter argument: ‘You do fit in Jess. I want you to fit in. You will, one day. We’ll make it happen’. Instead, he turned and walked towards the window.
She watched him run his hands over his face, as if the scrubbing motion could erase the discomfort of the moment.
The silence that filled the room was heavy, weighted.
Jessica wanted to break it, but she didn’t know what to say.
Victor spoke with his back turned. “I wish you could see their faces,” he said. “The kids that use the schools we build.” Victor turned to face her.
Jessica watched him speak.
“Their faces light up.” he said. “They have the best smiles.” He smiled briefly, the smile flickered in and out so quickly that Jess wondered if she imagined it. Victor stepped towards her. “They hug you like you just gave them a gift of the whole world.”
Jessica nodded. “It means a lot to you, doesn’t it? The work that you do. You seemed so carefree, when I met you. But there’s so much more to you.” She sank back onto the bed, glad for the support.
It was Victor’s turn to nod.
“Sometimes I act like my life is… how can I explain this? Light. Simple. Careless.”
“Care-free,” suggested Jess. She tucked her knees up to her chest, and hugged them.
“But the truth is,” continued Victor, “I do care. I care about the impact that I make on people.”
“I’m not telling you that you should give that up,” Jessica said. “I want you to do the work that you do, Victor. I get it.”
“But Jess, I want you, too. I want to be with you. I want to keep… doing what we’re doing. Having fun.”
Jessica felt like she might cry. “I don’t see how we can,” she said. “I keep on pulling you away from your life here. I don’t fit into it. I don’t know how to.” Her voice wavered.
“Then I’ll change,” said Victor. He approached the bed.
Jessica ached to feel his strong arms around her. She wanted him to keep talking. She remained silent.
“I’ll do whatever I have to do, Jess. We don’t have to go to events like tonight. We can disappear from the public eye. It can be just us.”
Jessica wondered why her heart felt so heavy as Victor spoke. Isn’t this what I wanted to hear? she wondered. Why is it making me feel so sad?
She lifted her chin to look at Victor.
He stood over her, sadness on his own face as well. “I’ve never felt like this before, Jess. With anyone. I don’t want to give it up.”
Jessica felt her chin tremble as she struggled to speak. “It scares me, Vic,” she managed to say. “This feeling that we both have. Like we’re both drunk on… on love. Intoxicated. You always hear about how it never works. Relationships like this… they burn bright and then burn out. What if it’s not enough?” She frowned deeply, and the knot in her throat grew.
Victor sat down on the bed next to her.
“I trust this feeling,” he said. “When I met you at that alter, I knew. I knew my life would never be the same. I knew… Jess. I just knew.”
Jessica felt a tear slip down her cheek. She closed her eyes. The intense emotions that she was experiencing frightened her. It felt too big to contain.
Victor spoke softly. “I think you knew it too,” he said.
Jessica felt herself nod.
More tears slipped down her cheek.
She remembered the feeling of looking at him and knowing that she was about to enter into the ride of her lifetime. I did know that my life would never be the same, thought Jess, fear gripping her stomach. I can’t go back. I can’t go back to the way things were, before I met Victor.
Before I knew about the possibility of this feeling.
I can’t go back.
But now, I don’t know how to go forward.
She felt Victor’s hand land lightly on her cheek. His fingers brushed the tears off of of her cheek softly, as if her cheekbone was crafted with eggshells. She lifted her own hand, and placed it delicately over his. She guided his fingers until they were over her mouth.
As she kissed his fingers lightly, she tasted the salt of her own tears. With her eyes still closed, she kissed his hand, and then wove her fingers through his.
She felt him pull his hand away, and soon his lips were on hers.
Jessica didn’t think as she kissed him back. She allowed her body to move as it yearned to move. She wrapped her arms around Victor’s neck, pulling him in.
The kiss was deeper than any she’d ever experienced. He kissed her hungrily, as if her kiss could heal his wounds. She kissed him just as desperately, allowing the kiss to soothe the jagged edges of fear and frustration that had come up inside of her.
Between kisses, she loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. Victor ran his hands up and down her arms and shoulders, bringing energy and desire through her upper body.
Jessica felt her breathing become heavy, and heard Victor’s breath become jagged as well. She felt herself moving farther into the center of the bed. Victor followed her easily, never allowing more than seconds to pass between each kiss.
She lay back on the bed and he stretched out on top of her. Jessica felt his hands move over her abdomen and her hips. He pulled up her tee, and Jessica sat up so that he could lift it up over her head.
As she lay back down, Victor’s kisses became harder, rougher. She could sense that his aching desire and need to be reunited was just as strong as her own.
His weight felt satisfying on top of her. As long as I feel him like this, she thought. Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay.
His hands continued roving over her, soothing her jagged edges. She felt his cock bulging beneath his black suit pants. She wished that he’d taken them off. She wanted to feel his hardness against her skin. She wanted to hold him in her hand, or to take him into her mouth. She wanted to please him.
This is what we do, she thought. This is how we survive. This is how we make things work. Inside this bubble, nothing can harm us.
She used her fingers to search for the fly of his pants. His kisses distracted her, and she couldn't undo his belt. She gave up and spread her legs wide. She wrapped her legs around him, She wore only her thin leggings, without underwear, and she could feel the heat of his pulsing erection as she circled her legs around him.
He moved it against her, and she could sense that he was just as lost in the moment as she was. She felt wetness dampen her leggings as the friction of his erection rubbed against her.
She felt herself become completely aroused, and juicy.
She moved her lips from his, and round his earlobe. She sucked on it, becoming more turned on as she did so. She moved her hips faster against his pelvis, enjoying the growing sensation of arousal.
Victor pulled away from her breathlessly. “Let me get these off,” he said, kneeling as his hands worked on his belt.
Jessica watched him, desire coursing through her.
He unfastened his belt and then his pants fell down to his knees. His cock looked bigger than ever beneath his black boxers. She longed for him to take those off, too.
Victor stood up. “Do you have a condom, baby?” He asked.
“In my purse,” Jessica said. She motioned to the door.
Victor pulled off his white shirt, and then the white t shirt that he wore beneath it. He turned and walked towards her purse, and she drank in the sight of him as he walked.
His body was tan from his time in California, and his muscles rippled as he moved. His back was strong and built, and his hips harrow. His ass was round and defined. He found a condom and turned to come back to the bed.
Jessica reached her hand between her legs, pushing it beneath her pants. She’d shaved her pussy bare, and felt that it was wet and ready. She pulled her pants down and off, and then ran her fingers lightly over her mound, and began touching her clit as she watched Victor return to her. His pecs flexed as he reached for his boxers and pulled them down.
She took in the sight of his swelling dick as he rolled the condom over it. His six pack abs were tight and toned, and she was breathless by the time he climbed up onto the bed and crawled back over to her.
“Are you getting ready for me?” he asked..
“I’m ready,” she answered breathlessly.
“Baby, I don’t want to fight with you.”
“I don’t want to either,” Jessica said.
“I only want things to be good for us,” Victor said. “I only want this.”
He lay his weight over her, tenting his arms at his elbows so that he could kiss her gently. Jessica felt the softness of his words, and his kiss. She felt the hardness of his body. She kissed him back desperately, turning his gentle kiss into one with force.
“Me too,” she said breathlessly.
She felt his hard, throbbing dick between her legs. She reached down with her hands, and guided him inside of her. “Me too,” she repeated as he entered her. Light burst through her skull as his fullness pulsed inside of her. Pleasure cascaded through her and she began to rock her hips against him.
Victor kissed her again as he fucked her. He moved slowly, rhythmically in time with her rocking motion. He moved his lips to near her ear, and she could feel his breath on her earlobe.
“Oh, baby,” he whispered into her ear. “It feels so good to be deep inside of you like this.”
Jessica tried to respond, but all she could do was moan.
“Just like this,” Victor said. He pushed into her deeper, and she opened her legs wider. His thrusts became slightly harder.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said. Jessica sensed that he was speaking about more than the pressure of his thrusts.
Yet at that moment, all she could comprehend was the force of his body. His movements were hard, penetrating, and deeply satisfying.
Jessica gripped Victor’s waist, and held onto him as he thrust. She felt her nails dig into his flesh, which made him thrust into her harder, and faster.
She cried out and heard him mirror her cry, expressing his own ecstasy and loss of control. The world faded away from her as she surrendered to the bliss she was experiencing.
Victor paused so that he could change positions, and Jessica cried out in desperation. She felt herself nearing the brink of an orgasm, and as soon as Victor stopped moving she felt a hot claw of need rip through her.
“Don’t stop,” she cried out, her voice full of desperation.
“Hold on, baby,” Victor said. He reached for a pillow that lay near Jessica’s head. He guided Jessica’s hips up, and placed the pillow beneath her. Jessica felt dizzy with a frantic sense of need.
When Victor took a kneeling position and entered her again, she shuddered with relief.
“Oh,” she moaned. “Vic, don’t stop.”
“I won’t baby,” he said.
He placed one hand flat against her stomach, and moved in and out of her slowly. Jessica felt as though all of the energy that he’d built up inside of her was now filling her up, overflowing within her veins. She felt him bringing her to the edge of orgasm again with his slow, steady, powerful thrusts.
Unable to control herself, Jessica felt herself fall over the edge of pleasure. She cried out as she came, and Victor joined her.
As soon as he pulled out of her, he lay down at her side. He wrapped his strong arms around her, and she turned into him, laying her cheek against his hot chest. She breathed into him, feeling safe and comforted.
An hour later, she still lay against Victor’s chest. He’d fallen asleep at least a half hour earlier, but she didn’t want to shift positions. She savored the feel of his arms around her as he slept.
She nestled into him.
The sadness that she'd felt earlier returned. This won't work, she thought as she breathed in and out, taking in his scent. This can’t last. Tomorrow, we’ll have to leave this hotel room. I don’t want to be a burden on him. I don’t want to make him choose between his role as a public figure and me. He could do so much good. He will do so much good.
The people of Denmark don’t want to see him with a woman like me.
He would be better off with Chelsea.
This thought nearly crushed her.
She felt her heartbeat speed up with anger at the thought of Chelsea. She’d seen pictures of Victor with Chelsea before, and they looked good as a couple. They make sense, Jessica thought, feeling defeated.
This might be the last night we spend together.
I love him, but I have to let him go.
I love him.
The words, which she’d always longed to feel about somebody, seemed heavy inside of her chest. I love him, she thought. And he loves me. It’s the feeling that we keep talking about.. It’s the feeling that we each felt at the altar. But it’s not enough.
In the morning, I have to leave.
She couldn't fall asleep. Into the early morning hours, she planned the way that she would get home. She made plans about how she would return to work, and how she could move forward without breaking into little pieces.
This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, she realized as she listened to Victor’s sleeping heart beat. Leaving him. This has been the ride of a lifetime. The most I could ever hope for or dream of. I’ll never forget it.
When she finally fell asleep, she dreamed that she was standing at an altar. Only, this time, when she looked out, no one was across from her. She was on her own. The altar began to rumble beneath her feet. She looked down to see that the altar was made of stone, and fine cracks were forming in its surface. The cracks jittered and jumped, and then began crumbling apart. In her dream, she screamed, as the ground beneath her opened up into a deep chasm. She began falling, falling, falling...
She woke up with a start, her heart pounding in her chest. She felt as if she’d just landed on the mattress. A light sheen of perspiration covered her. Her eyes flew open, and for a few moments she didn’t know where she was.
It was still dark out, but a thin, silvery grey light was visible along the bottom half of her view out of the window.
Where am I? thought Jessica. She felt the warmth of Victor’s body next to hers, and as she turned to look at him, the whole night came flooding back to her.
A hotel, she recalled.
I’m in Denmark. And I have to leave.