I DON’T KNOW how I got here. I thought we could get through anything, but apparently, I was gravely mistaken because here I sit…alone. I know exactly when it happened. It was slow, and the pieces fell away little by little until the crack was so big that no glue could fix it. I tried, god I tried, every day but she just gave up. It was like a piece was missing, and the harder I worked to fix it the more she crumbled.
“We’re going out for drinks tonight,” my youngest brother, Tyler, knocked on the doorway to my office. “Wanna join?” I shrugged as I shuffled some papers around on my desk. The truth was I didn’t have anything better do. If I didn’t go, I’d just head home and stare at the TV or the wall and eat some microwave dinner alone. “You can’t keep doing this,” Ty stepped forward and sighed as his eyes stared at me with pity.
“I know that,” I grumbled before finally deciding that if I was ever going to fix this I needed to stop sulking. “What time?” I glanced up at him just in time to see a grin spread across his face.
“Around seven. That work for you?” he rocked on his heels and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
“Tay going?” I mumbled.
“Yep. Morgan’s watching the kids tonight. I think she said something about inviting Mia over too. Girl stuff,” Ty rolled his eyes. Even at twenty-nine he acted like a teenager.
“I’ll meet you there,” I turned to place the papers behind me, and then wiggled my mouse to wake up my desktop. I had a few things to finalize before I could even think about leaving for the day.
“Oh no. I know how that goes. You won’t show. I’ll meet you at your place, and we’ll walk over together,” Ty narrowed his eyes before he turned and walked back out the way he came. I shook my head before going back to what I’d been staring at.
“Stupid petty thief,” I muttered as I clicked at the keys. Some punk had been stealing nails of all things from Taylor’s store and we finally caught him last week.
When late afternoon turned into evening, I powered down my computer, locked up, and headed to the small apartment I’d been staying in down the street. It wasn’t much, but for the last eight months, it was home.
WHEN I PUSHED through the doors of Cowboy Up, our local bar, I found Ty and Tay sitting at the bar. Ty had sent me a text shortly after he’d left earlier in the day stating that I would have to meet him because Mia had needed him to come home for something. That was code for ‘I’m getting laid before we go out’. I remembered those days when Sharron would show up at the station or I’d go home for lunch. Young love was magical, and I was happy for my brothers.
“Bro!” Taylor waved from where he was sitting and motioned me over. I nodded as I weaved through the crowd. For a hole in the wall, this place did well. Of course it was the only bar in town, and it was a Friday night.
“What’s up?” I climbed onto the stool they’d saved for me.
“Not much. Glad you finally caught that punk that’s been stealing from me. What’s up with you?” his voice was upbeat, but his expression said otherwise. It showed pity, and I honestly couldn’t blame him. I knew he cared. They all cared. The problem was, no one could explain to me how to fix it. I was always the one fixing people’s problems. I was the voice of reason when Chrissi latched onto Ty. I was the one who supported Taylor when he became a single dad at nineteen. Now that I’m the one with the problem, none of them seem to know how to help me.
“I saw her today,” I muttered as I accepted the beer Ty pushed my way.
“And?” Taylor’s eyes raised as he waited for me to elaborate.
“She looked terrible. I mean, she looked as bad as I feel,” I shrugged. My explanation didn’t sound very good, but I didn’t know how to explain it any better. Sharron and I had known each other since we were kids. We’d had the type of relationship where we could just look at one another and know what the other was thinking. This is why this is so hard. I can’t read her like I used to be able to, and I don’t know how to fix it.
“I don’t understand this,” Taylor sighed. “If she’s miserable, and you’re miserable, why are you two doing this to yourselves?”
“She wants this,” I tossed my hands in the air. “She asked me to leave, so I left.”
“But,” Ty looked at me, confusion written all over his face. “Dude, you two have been together since I was a kid. I don’t understand how you can throw all that away.”
“I’m not,” I sipped my beer angrily. “She is,” I tipped it back again and chugged. I needed to numb myself from this pain that had been settling inside me for months. I’d been trying to do what she asked, but it was slowing killing me. It hurt to be here away from her knowing that she was breaking inside. Part of her was lost, and I know I’m the only one that can fix it, but she won’t let me. She won’t let me in, and every time I try to do anything, she pushes even harder.
“I’m sorry,” Taylor shook his head. “Morgan’s tried talking to her if that makes you feel any better.”
“Thanks, but my main concern is the kids. Ken’s been applying to schools nearby because he’s afraid to leave. He’s had two baseball scholarships offered, but is afraid to take them because they’re both far away. I don’t want my marriage taking precedence over my kid’s education.”
“I’ll talk to him,” Ty clapped me on the back. More pity. Pity was all I got these days. “I went away to school and ignored my problems. I turned out ok,” he shrugged.
“Yeah, you knocked up the boss’s daughter and screwed half of New York in the process. I don’t know if you’re the best example here,” I smirked as I finished off my beer and motioned for another one.
“You’re just jealous. You’ve only been with one woman. Maybe you need to change that,” he shoved my shoulder and I spun to face him.
“Don’t talk about my wife like that,” I growled.
“Sorry,” he lifted his hands in front on himself. “I just know that you need something to help you snap out of this. If she’s not giving in, maybe it’s time.”
“I’m not giving up on her. I just need her to remember. I need her to remember what it was like before all of this tore us apart. I need to remind her of why she fell in love with me in the first place. I need her to forget all the schedules, the ovulation tests, the blue and pink lines; I need her to feel us again without the pressures of making a baby.” I shook my head as I grabbed the fresh beer.
“Maybe you should date her again,” Taylor suggested as he lifted his own beer. “You know? Remind her?”
“I need to do something,” I shook my head. “Because this is slowly killing us.”