After weeks of waking up next to Scarlett, I’m starting to feel like a changed man. She’s the only woman who has ever slept in my bed. I don’t do sleepovers, dates, or anything that remotely resembles a relationship. With Scarlett, I almost want those things. Almost. But I know the demons are still there. Deep down inside, I still want to hurt her in ways that make my dick hard.

The girls I hooked up with liked the same things as me and knew their places. They were never part of my life, not in the same way as Scarlett. As my doctor and lover, I include Scarlett in all aspects of my daily life.

Scarlett rolls over in bed, the covers falling off her shoulder, exposing dark bruises.

“Fuck,” I mutter, touching her soft skin.

She rubs the sleep from her eyes and peeks up at me. “What’s wrong?”

“This doesn’t hurt you?” I bend down to kiss each of her bruises, taking my time with each one. There are so many to kiss. “I am so sorry, Scar.”

As I peel back the covers, I stare in awe at her beautiful body that I covered with my fingerprints, the dark spots marking parts of her shoulders, hips, and thighs.

“For what?”

“For hurting you this bad. I knew I was rough with you last night, but I had no idea how much. You don’t understand how it feels. It’s the only time I am free, and I get lost with you and in you, completely drunk on the moment.”

She sits up to scan her body, her mouth open in shock. “You did this to me? Oh, Aiden.”

“Are you in pain?”

“I feel numb,” she says.

“And it’s all my fault.” I slide my hand up her thigh. “Let me take care of you. Let me fix this.”

Over the years, I have done worse, but the girls were more prepared. They wanted what I had to offer them. Scarlett is not like my other submissives. She’s only doing this because she thinks it will cure me. I often wonder if it was a mistake to make an appointment with Scarlett. I could have saved her a lot of pain and heartbreak.

“You don’t have to do a thing,” Scarlett says. “The bruises will go away.”

“I’ll make new ones,” I counter, annoyed with myself.

“It’s okay, Aiden.” She brushes her fingers along my arm with a smile on her beautiful face. “We can get through this together.”

“You don’t understand, Scar. This is not something for me to get through. I am not going to change.”

“You can’t break me.”

“I will. That’s what you don’t get. I am incapable of loving someone. I like it when you are in pain. I like watching you squirm beneath me or cry out when I smack your ass. I get off on the pain and the struggle.”

“You’re a masochist, it’s okay, Aiden. We can figure this out.”

“I like being this way. I have no intention to change.”

“No one wants to be this way. You can’t help it.”

I shake my head, deflated by this conversation. “No matter what feelings I have for you, they will never turn into what you need.”

She leans on her side to face me and slips her fingers between mine. “You are only saying these things to scare me away. If I like it when you spank me and fuck me so hard my mind goes blank from the pain, then what does that say about me?”

“That you like sick fucks who want to beat you until you come.”

Scarlett laughs. “No, it says that I am more like you than you think.”

“You will never be a true submissive, Scar. The fight inside you will always be there. Eventually, I might want someone who can be what I want.”

“Are you saying I’m not good enough?” She peels her fingers from mine and scoots back until she runs into the headboard. “Am I not worthy of your abuse?”

“See,” I say, throwing up my hand. “This is what I’m talking about. You call it abuse, and I call it a lifestyle. We will never see eye to eye on this topic. I will never fully control you.”

“Why do you need to control me?” She closes her eyes and sighs. “I don’t get it. I have done everything you have ever asked of me, and it is still not enough. Have I not given my body and mind to you?”

“You have but only because you want to fix me. Our relationship is nothing more than an experiment to you.”

“This entire conversation is so fucking fucked up.” She slides off the mattress and walks toward the bathroom. “If you are trying to push me away, then you are doing a fabulous job, let me tell you.”

“I’m not trying to push you away. I want you to understand what you are getting yourself into.”

She spins around, holding onto the bathroom door handle. “It’s a little too late, Aiden. I get it, believe me, I do.”

“No, you don’t Scarlett.” I get up from the bed and rush over to her. Standing over her, I slide my hand onto her hip, careful not to pull her too hard.

She winces in pain. “Be careful, Aiden.”

“I can break you, Scarlett, and if you get too close to me, I will do it. I will end up hurting you.”

“The bruises are on my body, not my mind.”

“I will ruin that, too, if you let me.”

She shakes her head. “ I have to allow it, and we both know that will never happen.”

I laugh, and it feels good. “No, you would never allow it.”

“You’re afraid, aren’t you?”

I nod, too ashamed to give her an answer.

“I trust you, Aiden.”

“You shouldn’t. I let down anyone who gets close to me.”

She presses her lips to my chest and rests her head there. I cradle her head with my hand to give her some support.

“You said you wanted to take care of me,” she mutters against my skin.

“Yes,” I whisper. “I want to wash all of your bruises.”

“It won’t make them go away,” she says.

“No, but it will make me feel better about what I did.” I lift her chin with my finger until our eyes meet. “I am doing this for you. It is not a negotiation.”

“Okay.” She smiles. “But I want to ask you a few questions while you wash away your guilt.”

Wash away my guilt. That’s one way of looking at it. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could give Scarlett what she needs. An accomplished doctor like her doesn’t need to deal with my baggage. She signed up to treat me. This goes beyond the call of duty. I have to make it up to her.

I help Scarlett into the bathroom and sit her on the edge of the oversized Jacuzzi tub. With her big, perky tits on display, I have trouble focusing on anything but her chest. I grab one of her breasts, squeezing her nipple between my fingers.

“Aiden,” she hisses. “Ahh, that feels…”

I release Scarlett long enough to adjust the knobs to the perfect temperature and drop a bath bead into the water. Then, I turn around, giving the tub time to fill, and direct my attention to Scarlett. Hooking my arm around her back, I bend down to take her nipple into my mouth and tug on the tiny bud. My dick gets hard just thinking about shoving it between her tits, but I have to focus. She wants me to talk. This is about atoning for my sins and us getting to know each other better.

After the tub fills, I turn the knobs, and lift Scarlett in my arms, placing her in the soapy water.

She taps her hand on the marble ledge. “Are you getting in with me? We both can fit.”

Once I get in with Scarlett, I slide her between my legs and wrap my arms around her stomach. She flattens her against my chest, pushing her legs further beneath the water. I take a washcloth from the basket next to me and dunk it into the water to get it soapy, before dragging it up her stomach.

“I am so sorry, Scar,” I whisper the words against the shell of her ear. “I knew this would happen. I tried to warn you.”

“You did, and I didn’t listen. Let me decide when I’ve had enough.”

“I didn’t even do my worse to you, and look at how many bruises you have on your body.”

“You told me that I’m yours, Aiden.”

“Mine,” I say, washing her breasts. “All of you. Every part of you is mine.”

“I’m starting to care for you,” she confesses.

Why do I say? I’m paralyzed by fear. But I have to say something, anything.

“I like you a lot, more than any woman I have ever been with, but I’m not built that way.”

“Can we talk about that? I want to know what turned you into this man.”

“I’d rather not.”

She holds her hand over mine, stopping me from washing her body. “You came to me over a month ago because you wanted treatment for a sex addiction.”

“I’m not addicted to the sex.”

“Right,” she whispers. “It’s the power you have over another person. You like being in control. But you have that already with your job.”

“It’s not the same, Scar. I doubt you would understand.”

“Okay, fine. Tell me about your family. You’re obviously rich. What are your parents like?”

I let out an exaggerated breath. “I hate talking about them.”

“You said your dad was an alcoholic, right?”

“Yes, the absolute worst.”

“Was he abusive?”

“Yes.”

“To your mom, you, or both.”

“Both.” I hesitate with the next part and finally decide to tell her as much as I can stand. “When he would finish with my mom, he would come after me. He was an animal.”

“I’m sorry, Aiden.”

“I don’t want pity. That’s why I don’t tell anyone about my past.”

“My mistake,” she says, stroking my arm. “Your dad is Patrick Shaw, right? You never mention him, but I assume he’s your dad.”

I nod. “Yup. One of the most respected doctors in the city is also one of the biggest pieces of shit.”

“But the money doesn’t come from him, does it?”

“Nope, my mom was a debutant. My father was the doctor who treated her for her mental illness. He was fifteen years older than her, they had zero in common, and he treated her like shit.”

“Was?” She stops herself, and I know where she’s going with the next question.

“My mom died from a drug overdose when I was seventeen.”

I hear her sniff.

“No pity, okay?”

She nods, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Will you tell me more?”

I kiss the top of her head. “Yes, for you I will, but this shit puts me in a bad mood. I don’t want to take it out on you, Scar.”

“We don’t have to have sex.”

“That’s the part you don’t get. Sex is the action. I’m not addicted to the physical aspect of it. I need the release.”

“So, you’ve always known how to fix yourself, yet you continued down the same path and then came to see me for help. Why didn’t you just change your ways? You know the answer lies in the problem.”

“It’s not as simple as checking myself into rehab, and you know it.”

“Can we talk this through more? Is it too hard to keep going?”

“My family is not my favorite thing to discuss, but I owe you this much after hurting you. You need to understand how broken and damaged I truly am so you can run before it’s too late.”

“They’re just marks, Aiden.” She brushes her fingers along my jaw. “If you leave the same kind of bruises on my mind or heart, then we will have a problem. My body will heal by the end of the week.”

“I will hurt you in other ways, Scarlett, and I like you too much to do that to you.”

“Stop trying to push me away because I am not going anywhere.” She takes my hand with the washcloth and moves it between my legs. “I’m not afraid of you. I know you would never hurt me on purpose.”

“I could do it without meaning to. Already did.”

“I don’t think so,” she whispers.

“What do you expect out of a relationship with me? Do you think that one day I will be marriage material and want to have a house and kids and all the normal things you probably want out of life?”

“Well, I’m not much of a kid person, and I have no problem living in an apartment. I don’t need a white picket fence and children running around to make me happy.”

“What do you want then?”

“You.” She peeks up at me with those bright, blue eyes that slice right through me. “I want you, Aiden Shaw. I want all of your broken, damaged parts. I want every single part of you, no matter how fucked up and twisted.”

“You have no idea what you are asking. Things between us could get worse. You’ll end up hating me, and then we won’t even be friends.”

“We were never friends, Aiden. No matter how much we tried to hide our feelings, there was always something between us. Maybe I was attracted to your dark soul.”

“You are the light to my darkness, Scarlett. I don’t want to burn out that light by ruining you.”

“You already did,” she says, laughing. “Do you honestly think I could have sex with another man after being with you?”

“Now, who’s the one with an addiction?”

She chuckles. “More like an obsession or a fascination, even. There’s something so terrifying, yet completely thrilling about your lifestyle. It’s starting to grow on me.”

“We should have talked about this before, but you need a safeword. Saying no or stop is not good enough.”

“I’ve never said either of those words. You don’t let me talk or make noise during sex.”

“You can say them. In fact, it would heighten my pleasure more if you said them.”

“You like the struggle.”

“Yes, it’s fucking hot and intensifies my experience. It would do the same for you.”

“Okay, let’s clarify a few things. When you say you want me to say no or stop, it’s more about me fighting you, not like you want to rape me. Does that make sense?”

I laugh. “No, I am not raping you. The sex is consensual, but the struggle is more about the pain I am inflicting. I get enjoyment out of watching you. It turns me on.”

She leans her head back on my shoulder. “I guess it will take me some time to understand.”

“You have to trust me to go deeper and show you even more about myself, but I have to know that you can hand over that trust. What word do you want to use for your safeword?”

“I don’t know what’s yours?”

“I don’t need one. I’m the Dominant. You need one, though. So, what’s it going to be? It should be a word you would never use during sex.”

She raises her finger to her lips. “What should I choose?”

“You could even use red or safeword if you forget.”

“Are you going to be that rough with me that I will have to beg you to stop?”

“Maybe. Sometimes, I lose myself. I haven’t done that with you because I have been careful. But I want to lose myself in you so bad.”

“Your version of careful earned me a body full of bruises. I can’t even imagine what you’re like once you lower your guard.” She clutches my hand, threading her fingers between mine. “We are forming a connection. What we’re doing right now will bring you back to me. I will never lose you.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Scar. Pick your word, would ya?”

“Pirate,” she says with a cheesy grin on her lips.

I laugh. “Yeah, that would throw me off for sure. There’s nothing less sexy than a pirate.”

“You said to choose something random that I wouldn’t say during sex, and I would never use the word pirate.”

“Okay.” I shake my head, amused by the strange turn in this conversation. “Pirate is your safeword that will tell me that I have to stop. There are other types of safewords. Sometimes, I might ask you if you want to keep going or if you want me to do something harder or slow down. We can communicate those things without stopping to talk about it.”

“Do I have to pick more words?” She bites down on her bottom lip. “I hope I don’t forget any of them. How much more do I have to come up with?”

“We’ll keep them simple. If you ever forget pirate, you can say red, and that will mean the same thing to me. Red means you can’t handle anymore.”

“Are we using all colors?”

“Yes. Each color has a different meaning. We’ll use green, yellow, and red to keep it simple.”

“Like a stoplight. Oh, I get it. Red for stop, green for keep going, and yellow to slow down.”

“Exactly.”

“I won’t forget the colors.”

“Please don’t. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. A Dominant’s relationship with his submissive is about trust. We are going into this, knowing that we want the same thing and that pain comes along with the pleasure, but you have to stop me if I cross the line. The breaking you in part is over.”

“I promise,” she says. “I will tell you if things get out of hand.”

“Good. Now, let’s get you washed so that I can kiss all of your bruises better.”

She flinches as I dip down to kiss the big one on her shoulder. I hate myself for ruining a good girl like Scarlett. But I did warn her.