Autumn
Today is a bad day. Jemma is leaving the center. She’s been my rock for the last three weeks and I don’t know what I’ll do without her. It’s been nice having a friend. She promised me we’ll still keep in touch when I get out, but we don’t even live in the same state, so I’m not sure how likely that is. Jade and Daisy have already gone, so that just leaves Tarryn as the only person left that I know. The thought of having a new roommate makes me regret having eaten breakfast. There is supposed to be someone new coming this afternoon, so I won’t even get a day to acclimatize.
Jemma throws the last of her things in an oversized suitcase and zips it shut.
“You’ll be fine Tumn.”
I grimace and look out the window. “I just wish you weren’t leaving.”
“I know, me too. But I need to get back to work. I’ve maxed out my credit cards to stay here longer than my insurance would cover so it’s off to work I go.”
“I have some money put aside–“
“Thanks, that’s sweet, really. But I’m ready. I need to get back to my life, it’s time to move on. You’ll understand one day, when you’re ready to leave.”
“What about when he gets out?”
“I’m not afraid of that slime ball. He’s done his worst and I survived, I’m stronger than I ever was. Plus, I’ve re-connected with a great Church, they already have a lovely family for me to stay with for a while. Until I’m ready to live by myself again.”
“Well they’d better take good care of you.”
“They will.” Jemma tugs her bag off the bed and smiles. “Come and give me a last hug. Make it a good one, it has to last me all the way home.”
I practically throw myself into her arms. I’m careful not to hold on too tight. I know her grafted skin is still painful. But she grips me tightly, heedless of her own pain. At last we part.
A few tears slide down my face. “You are the most beautiful person I know Jemma. Thank you for being my friend.” And it’s the truth, I don’t even see her scars anymore. Her beautiful spirit shines so brightly it’s impossible to see anything else.
“Promise me you’ll come and visit?”
“I promise.”
“And trust me, Finn will come around, I feel it right here.” Jemma makes a fist and taps her chest right over her heart.
She’s the only one I’ve told every detail of what happened. Even the counselors don’t know everything. I trust her, I know she won’t sell my story to the tabloids. I’m sure they don’t care anymore anyway. I’m sure my collapse is old news by now. For all I know, Finn has probably moved on to someone new. The pain that hits me at the thought is like a dagger straight through my heart. It makes me gasp and lose focus for a moment.
“Promise me you’ll talk to someone about it all when I’m gone?”
“I’ll think about it.” Telling Jemma was one thing. Laying out my humiliating history for someone else is not going to happen.
“I’ll be praying for you Tumn.”
“I’ll…I’ll pray for you too.” I’ve become more comfortable praying while I’ve been here. Somehow it seems to help, as if maybe someone is actually listening.
“Are you sure you don’t want to walk down with me?”
“No, I’ll only turn into a blubbering mess.”
“Well, until we meet again.” Jemma smiles and walks away, her suitcase bumping along at her heels.
I last two seconds before the tears flow freely. Throwing myself on the bed I bury my face into my pillow to muffle my sobs. For some reason I can’t seem to stop, it’s the most I’ve cried since I’ve been here. Eventually I run out of tears and I drift off.
Darkness fills my vision. The room is too dark to make out more than blurry outlines. I take a slow step forward, then another. My hands stretch out before me. One more step and I feel something in front of me. It’s cold and rough and it crumbles beneath my fingers. Looking up, I can make out the faint silhouette of a sickle moon through the branches of the trees. My breath hitches and then speeds up until I’m panting. This isn’t a room I’m in, it’s a deep hole in the ground. The sides are too steep to climb. I move around my earthy prison looking for a way out. I stumble as something grabs my leg. It’s just a branch. I take another step. Something clutches at my foot. I scream as I realize it’s a hand. More hands reach out from the earth and grab my clothes and hair, anything they can. My screams pierce the night as they start pulling me down into the earth.
I sit bolt upright in the bed. My hair sticks to my face in clumps. My breathing is ragged. It’s dark in the room. Someone has covered me with a blanket. I throw it off not wanting anything touching my skin.
The room sways alarmingly and I fall back onto the mattress. I hear voices swarming, but the words don’t make any sense. Cool fingers brush against my forehead and I fight them off. More hands grip me and I thrash against their confining grip. I try to scream at them to let go, but the words don’t come. A sharp pain pierces my arm and the world goes dark.
Finn
It’s no use, I push back the stool and step away from the baby grand. Guitar, piano, it doesn’t matter, I can’t get the melody right. Can’t capture the feeling. They were right, they were right about me. I’m washed up, the well has run dry. Adam and Drew were wise to get out while they could. Infusion Deep is dead.
This house reminds me of her. The delight on her face as we explored each room. Her presence lingers, it’s enough to make forgetting about her impossible. Not that I even want to. At night when I close my eyes I see her, that soft blonde hair, the way it moves in the breeze. Those eyes, at once brown and green depending on her mood. When she smiles, they look to be green like the first new shoots in spring, but when she turns sad, they look brown, like winter leaves.
What are those eyes looking at now? Are they more green or brown? Does she still think of me? Maxine won’t take my calls anymore, she says just because I’m paying for Autumn to stay at the center, it doesn’t give me the right to know confidential details about her progress. A week ago she was assuring me everything was fine, she didn’t seem to see it as a breach of confidentiality then. What changed? Is Autumn alright? Has something happened to precipitate this silence? I need to know, I can’t sleep, can’t eat. Not even the music can sooth me anymore. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that Sophie still needs me. She’s doing pretty well, all things considered. She looks a lot better than me anyway.
I’ve seen pictures online saying I have a problem with heroin, ice, apparently, you name it and I've been doing it. It’s how they’re explaining the weight loss and the dark circles that have become constant. But they’re wrong, I haven’t even been drinking. I want to, it frightens me just how much I want to. To escape just for a moment, just for one day. But I can’t give in, I can’t give up. I still have people who need me, so I’m hanging on by my fingernails. I’m hoping that I can keep hanging on, just a bit longer.
Autumn
I wake up fast, like crashing through a window. My head pounds and my mouth feels like it’s full of cotton wool. A stray piece of hair is in my eye. I try to reach up but I can’t. The urge to struggle is great, but I can see my wrists have been strapped into restraints. Closing my eyes, I focus on taking slow deep breaths. God, if you can hear me, if you really are up there somewhere, I need you now. I’m about to lose it here, I can’t do this alone. Finn, Finn, I wish you were here. It’s not working, I thought I was getting better, but I can’t do this alone. I’m sorry I’m just not strong enough.
My eyes snap open as footsteps tap on the polished vinyl floor.
“Ah, Autumn. Good to see you’re awake finally. I’m Dr. Gare, I’m the head physician here at Peaceful Shores. How are you feeling today?”
“I want to go home.”
“Ah, a perfectly natural response given recent events. Do you know what precipitated your…ah loss of cognitive function?”
I jiggle my wrists. “Can you take these off me before we continue our little chat?”
Dr. Gare moves closer, his grey hair is like a finely polished shell. Fine lines crinkle around his eyes giving the impression that he smiles often. “Good to see you still have a sense of humor.” He quickly unfastens my right, then left wrist and sits down on the chair beside my bed. “I find that patients who retain their sense of humor, recover substantially faster than those who don’t.”
I rub my wrist, red marks form a circle, showing where the restraints have been. “It was my friend Jemma leaving. I hadn’t had the dreams for a few weeks before that.”
“Ah yes, Jemma Jones, quite the extraordinary young woman. I can well understand how her leaving the center could be quite upsetting.”
“She was my roommate, she looked after me right from the start. Even though she was in pain, she always put me first. I’ve never met anyone like her before.”
“Here at Peaceful Shores, we understand that sometimes other patients can be the best therapy for the mind and body that needs rest and healing. We believe that through companionship and faith the spirit can best be healed.”
“Um, I guess. Well it was working until my companion had to go. What am I supposed to do now?”
“When you feel ready, you can return to your room. Usually we would provide you with a new roommate straight away, but given the circumstances, we thought it best if you decide whether you feel ready to share your space.”
“What about the girl who was supposed to be in with me?”
“She has been allocated another room.”
“Oh.” I feel like I’ve let Jemma down. She was so welcoming when I arrived, I feel like I’ve failed to pass on that same encouragement to someone else. Not that I could ever be like her.
“I’ll leave you to rest and have a think about what you’d like to do. Feel free to move about the facility. You aren’t required to stay here in the medical wing any longer than you feel comfortable. And I apologize for the restraints.” He says eyeing me rubbing my wrists. “They were for your own protection. We were worried you would injure yourself.”
“Am I allowed to make a phone call?”
“Who would you like to call?”
Finn is the first person that I think of, but I know they won’t even consider that. Wes made it quite clear that Finn didn’t want any further contact with me. But still I need to know how he is, if I can’t call him I want the next best thing.
“Wes Bowman.”
“Ah, the man who organized for your stay?”
“No that was Finn.” Even saying his name out loud is painful. I close my eyes for a moment. “Wes is just a friend. He was there for me in the hospital…after.”
“You don’t want to speak to Jemma?”
“I do, it’s just I need to talk to Wes about…something.”
“Well, I think that should be alright, as long as you’re sure the call won’t stir up any issues for you?”
“Nope, nothing like that,” I lie. I’ll pay whatever price I have to to find out what I need to know. Could Finn have changed his mind about erasing me from his life?