Finn
I’m such an idiot. I berate myself for the thousandth time since last night. I could see she was hurting and I didn’t reassure her, too caught up in my own head to fix this. I’m irrevocably in love with her and I know I’m not the man for her. These two thoughts war in my mind and I need to get my head around what I should do. Can we really make a relationship work between us? My heart says ‘yes’ but my head says ‘no’. Which one is right? I step up onto the shiny new bus and I know I need to make a decision and soon. This bus is only for the band and Sophie and Autumn. Luckily, our tour manager Trent had things to discuss with the sound engineer and so he won’t be travelling with us today. He was such a prick in the meeting this morning and the thought of having him here while I talk to Autumn is unbearable.
I’m relieved when I see Sophie and Autumn are sitting at the table with school books spread out around them. I still have time to work this through. I smile as I make my way past them and through the fully equipped kitchen and tiny bathroom and up to the back of the bus. The bus has luxury leather seating and every entertainment you can possibly fit into a forty-eight feet. Wes is working on his laptop, doing who knows what. He’s much more interested in the business side of the industry than I am. I trust his decisions so he lets me work on the songs and I let him take care of the rest. Ryan and Zane are already testing out the gaming console. They nod in my direction as I sit down beside Wes.
“Hey Finn, what’s up?”
“Does anything have to be up?”
“Well, given the way you scowled at Trent all through the meeting, I’d say yeah, something’s up.”
I scowl. “I always do that, Trent’s a moron.”
“Yes, but he’s an excellent tour manager.”
We both laugh. It’s our running joke, if he wasn’t so good at his job we would have replaced him a long time ago. But we know he won’t take crap from anyone, and he always wants what’s best for the band. Well, what’ll make us the most money anyway. Now that money isn’t an issue anymore, perhaps it is time to replace him.
“What are you doing?” I look over Wes’s shoulder at the laptop screen.
“Just checking out some ideas for our next video. I think we should release Just A Moment as the first single.”
“Yeah?”
“The fans all went crazy for that one.”
“Yeah, I guess. You’re always better at judging that stuff than I am.”
“You don’t think Autumn will mind?”
I push my hair back out of my face. “Why would she mind?”
“Well it’s about her isn’t it?”
“Ha! If that’s your criteria, it doesn’t matter which song we do.”
“You’re in love with her aren’t you?”
My fingers drum on the table. “You could say that. I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”
Wes looks me in the eyes. “She feel the same?”
“I dunno, it’s not like we’ve said the words.”
“C’mon Finn, you can’t pretend with me.”
“I don’t deserve her. The way I treated her last night…If she’s even speaking to me I’ll be lucky.”
Wes shoves my shoulder, hard. “Damn it Finn, what did you do?”
“I kissed her, alright. I kissed her and then I panicked and took her back to the hotel–”
“You didn’t–”
“No, I didn’t. I just didn’t talk to her after we kissed. I was afraid to wreck our friendship. But I want more, it’s different with her.”
“So you want more than just sex?”
“I want forever.”
“Well you’d better talk to her, you need to say the words Finn. Tell her you want this to last.”
I look down. “She deserves someone better than me.”
Wes shoves me again. “When are you going to get over this self-hatred you have going on Finn? Give yourself some credit. Sure you’ve made some mistakes in the past. Haven’t we all? But you’re a pretty awesome guy Finn. Would I let you around Soph if I didn’t have faith in you?”
“I guess not.”
“Good,” Wes smiles. “Go on then, before you spend the whole trip sulking. I’m gonna go check on how Soph’s going and I’ll send Autumn into the kitchen so you can talk. Don’t mess this up, yeah?”
“You really think I should tell her how I feel?”
“You mess this up and you might never get another chance.”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
I follow Wes to the kitchen and wait. This probably isn’t the best place for it, but Wes is right, I need to fix this before it’s too late.
Autumn
My heart is pounding and my hands tremble as I walk the short distance to the kitchen. Finn is leaning against the sink, his dark fringe hangs down nearly obscuring one bright blue eye. His expression is inscrutable. Wes just told me he wants to talk. Does he want to end things? Tell me he made a terrible mistake when he kissed me? I focus on the dragon tattoo, not brave enough to look Finn in the eye. If he tells me last night was a mistake, I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to get through this.
“Autumn?” He lifts my chin gently with his hand so I have no choice but to look into his eyes. My whole body is shaking now and I can’t seem to stop it. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me for being a prize scumbag?”
“Do you regret kissing me like that?” I mumble.
“No sweetheart, I regret how I behaved afterwards. I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you, so I closed myself off. And I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you that I’m in love with you, Autumn, and I’m still not sure that I deserve a chance with you, but I’m not going to hide. I can’t deny how I feel anymore.”
My trembling only gets stronger, did that really just happen? Did Finn Holloway really just tell me he’s in love with me?
“Autumn? Please say something, if you don’t feel the same, it’s okay. Just tell me how you’re feeling.”
“Oh Finn, you silly boy. How can you not see that I love you, too? Can’t you tell by the way I–”
Finn’s body presses against my own as his lips meet mine in a feverish kiss. I’m glad he has his arms wrapped tight around me because I’m not sure I could hold myself up, my legs seem to have turned to jello. His kiss sends sparks shooting through my entire body. Finn loves me, and I am floating on air.
Finn moves back slightly so he can look at me, I’m relieved to see he looks as flustered as I feel. This is all new to me. I’ve never told anyone that I love them before and I have no idea what comes next.
Finn smiles and my heart melts a little more. I put my hand against his cheek, enjoying the roughness of his day-old stubble under my palm.
“I wish there was somewhere more private we could go.”
My skin flushes.
“To talk Auttie, just to talk.”
The blood leaves my face in a rush and I struggle to draw a breath.
“Shoot, what’s wrong? What did I say? Was it the name?” Finn scoops me up and carries me to the back of the bus. He sits down on the leather seats holding me sideways on his lap. Zane looks over. “Zane, Ryan, could you give us a moment?”
Zane stands immediately. “Sure, Finn. I’m feeling like something to eat anyway. C’mon Ryan.”
“Yeah, sure. Something to eat sounds good.”
They disappear into the kitchen and close the curtain behind them. It’s not much, but it’s the best we can do for now.
“Autumn? Talk to me please. Can you tell me what just happened?”
I take a deep breath. If we’re going to work, I have to talk to him sooner or later. He needs to know why I am the way I am.
“When I was twelve, my mother met this guy. Werner.” A shudder runs through my body when I say his name. “At first he seemed alright, but a few months after he moved in he started behaving strangely.”
Wes pulls me even closer to his body, so I’m resting snugly against his chest. In this position he can’t see my face and I’m glad, it makes it easier to get it all out.
“When we were alone in the house, he would tell me that he wanted to get to know me better. He always called me Auttie. I can’t hear that name without seeing him again in my mind.” I pause and take a breath. “He said he had some videos we could watch together to bring us closer. I wanted to try and make things work, so I agreed to do what he asked.” I take a deep breath before I can continue. “At first the movies seemed pretty harmless, but after a while they became more…disturbing. When I told him they were making me uncomfortable, he would always tell me I was growing up and how he wished someone had taken the time to explain things to him, the way he was doing for me. I was so confused and I didn’t have anyone to ask if what was happening was okay.”
Finn runs a hand softly down my hair. “He was grooming you.” The pain in his voice is unmistakable.
“Yes. I know that now.”
“He should be in jail.” Finn’s voice is low but it doesn’t mask the unmistakable anger.
“He never…actually…you know.”
“Autumn, just because he never actually had sex with you, it doesn’t mean that what he did wasn’t a crime. I’m sure your therapists have told you as much?”
I nod my head but I can’t get the words out. “I don’t ever want to see him again, I just want to forget…”
Finn continues to run his hand gently over my hair. “I’m here for you, whatever you decide. And if you ever want to press charges against that scum, I’ll be beside you the whole way.”
A shudder runs through me at the thought of all the media attention that would bring. But I’m grateful to know he would be willing to help me whatever I decide.
“That means a lot Finn. But for now, can we just forget about it?”
“Of course, whatever you want sweetheart. If it helps, I know how it feels to have something happen that you don’t want to tell anyone about.”
“Can you tell me about it?”
Finn
I never talk about my childhood. Never. But I actually find myself wanting to tell Autumn some of what happened. Neither of us have a past we want to remember, but I feel like she needs to hear about some of it at least. I continue to run my hands over her soft silky hair, it helps to relax me.
“As you know, my Mother died when I was ten. After that, things went downhill pretty quickly. My father stopped turning up to work and used any money we had on alcohol and whatever else he was offered. Jase was sixteen and never home. He either stayed with friends or whatever girl was the flavor of the week. Jase never had a problem finding some girl to offer him a bed.” I bark out a harsh laugh. “Sometimes I’d give anything to look nothing like the other members of my family.”
“I love the way you look Finn.”
Somehow she knows just the right thing to say to encourage me to continue. “My father is a mean drunk. The kind that comes home fists swinging. It never mattered what I did or didn’t do, somehow it was always my fault.”
“What was?”
“Everything. Mom dying, Jase not being there, nothing getting done around the house. I tried to do the cooking, the cleaning and the shopping, but without any money… Anyway, by that time Wes lived a few houses down and I spent as much time there as I could. Between the two of us, we managed to do alright. And Sophie was safe and fed. I’m proud of the fact that we managed to take care of her. We couldn't always be there, but I think she’s turned out alright.”
Her hand runs down my arm and I try and ignore the desire I feel stirring within me. “You should be proud Finn, Sophie is one amazing young lady. Without you and Wes, who knows where she’d be.”
“There were times when I wasn’t fast enough, and I missed a lot of school. Wes’d usually cover for me, and somehow the school seemed to accept that I had enough cases of flu and chicken pox to get some sort of record. Oh, they probably knew there was more behind it, but there were so many kids with problems where we lived. I guess I just sort of slipped under the radar.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that Finn. I know how deeply you feel things, I can’t even imagine what that was like for you.”
“The fear, the loneliness, I’m sure you can relate. And after all, I had Wes, you didn’t have anyone like that. I don’t think I’d be alive right now if it wasn’t for Wes. So don’t for a moment think I had it harder than you. It’s why I tell you how brave you are Autumn. You’re still here aren't you? Still fighting, and I love that about you.”
“I love you, Finn. I’ve never said that to anyone before.”
Hearing her say that is the best feeling in the world. I gently kiss her cheek and her forehead and gently run a trail of kisses down her jaw until she turns her head and I can kiss her soft, sweet lips.