Autumn
My suitcase lies open on the bed. The usually spotless room is a mess, clothes cover the bed and hang on every available chair and door handle. At least the floor is still free of clutter, I haven’t gone that crazy yet. What would a normal girl take on tour with the hottest rock band in the country? My gaze slides to the assortment of barely-there dresses and tops still hanging in my closet. Dr. Mary wants me to dress for me, not to hide who I am in my baggy shapeless garments or to pretend to be someone I’m not in my skintight skimpy clothes. When was the last time I thought about what clothing actually feels like me? I’m pretty comfortable now in the jeans and blue top I bought, but I can’t wear that every day.
Since I’ve left it too late to shop online, I’ll have to go back to the mall. My flight leaves tomorrow and after that I’ll be on the tour bus with the band and Sophie. There’s no way I could even think about doing this if Sophie wasn’t going to be there. I can focus on my job, and Sophie always makes me laugh. She has a confidence I could never have and I’ll do anything I can to protect her. Even Dr. Mary has approved of the plan as long as I keep up my regular sessions. Which shouldn’t be a problem during all the down time while the band has sound check and interviews.
I tell myself I can do this as I grab my car keys and lock the door of my tiny house. My old car hums quietly as I drive. I can do this. I can do this. As I enter the underground carpark, I’m grateful it’s a quiet midweek morning and not many people are here. This time, I’ve done my research online and I know which shops I want to visit. The doors swish open and I take a deep breath. A few shoppers walk down the over-bright walkways, none look my way. Soft music is playing and it helps me focus. Music is good like that, it gives me something to concentrate on to soothe the jumbled thoughts that try to compete for my attention.
Mimicking the slow walk of the other morning shoppers I find the first store on my list. The sales girl is with someone, which gives me the chance to find what I’m looking for unmolested. I grab a few casual shirts and another pair of jeans. I’m about to head to the sales counter when I see a cute sundress. Dusky blue in color with a square neckline and straps that cross over at the back, it looks like something a girl my age should be wearing. Would I be able to wear something so revealing? Would I feel too exposed? Dr. Mary would tell me to buy the dress and keep it until I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to actually put it on. I grab it and add it to the pile even though I may never actually wear it.
The girl comes over and scans my purchases without paying me much attention. These are the ones I like the best, other people would probably consider the girl rude, but I’m grateful she doesn’t ask me anything. I leave the store knowing my next stop will be harder. I need some shoes and I know I’ll need to try them on.
The shoe store is quiet and an eager sales girl rushes straight over to me as I enter the store.
“Good morning! How can I help you today?” She practically bubbles over with her enthusiasm and I almost turn and leave the store. Closing my eyes I take a deep slow breath not caring what she thinks for once. The thought of not getting this done and missing the tour is enough to make me reply.
“I need some comfortable walking shoes.”
“Hiking or everyday wear?”
“Everyday please.”
“Oh I know just the thing. Comfortable enough to wear all day and still really cute.” She actually giggles as she leads me to the fitting area. “What size are you?”
“Seven.” I look at her name badge, Candy, seriously? Would she have turned out like this if her name was Martha or Gertrude?
Candy brings back a pair of dark blue sneaker type Mary Janes. I slip them on, ignoring Candy’s offers of help. They practically mold to my feet and I feel like I could wear them all day and night.
“They look so cute on you. Are they alright for size?” Candy brushes a stray lock of blonde hair off her face, waiting expectantly.
“They’re great, thanks for the suggestion. Do they come in any other colors?”
Candy flashes me a brilliant smile as if I’ve just made her day. “They come in black, dove and caramel.”
“I’ll take a pair in black and dove then.”
“As well as the ocean?”
“Um, sure why not.”
Candy actually winks at me. “You won’t regret it, these shoes are amazing.”
I look down at her own feet, clad in black 6inch heels. Somehow I can’t picture the petite blonde wearing anything so practical.
She hurries off to get my other shoes and I sigh. Only one more stop and then I’m done. I pay for my shoes and leave the store, my arms weighed down by my numerous bags.
The Mall is getting busier as lunchtime approaches. The desire to leave is getting stronger and I walk quickly until I reach the last store on my list. The music in here is loud, but the noise doesn’t bother me. I scan the racks until I see them. Who knows if I’ll actually have any need for a bathing suit, but I need one anyway. It’s been years since I’ve been swimming and I miss it. Running my hands along the racks a fuchsia two-piece grabs my attention. Finding my size, I grab it and head to the counter to pay before I can change my mind. The sales girl is chatting to her co-worker as I pay and I leave the store without having to say much.
Someone bumps me as I exit and my breath catches as I practically run back to my waiting car and sanctuary. I can’t help feeling proud of myself as I stash my bags on the back seat and slide behind the wheel. I’m definitely improving. A year ago there’s no way I could have done this. An unfamiliar thrill sweeps through me. I can actually see myself overcoming my issues and going on tour with the band.
Finn
As I watch her plane touch down on the runway my foot taps out a steady rhythm. Will she be on the plane or will she decide it’s too much for her? She doesn’t know that I’m here, Wes told her that our driver Stan would meet her at the airport and take her to the hotel. But I couldn’t stay away, it’s been two weeks since I’ve seen or even talked to her and the thought of waiting even another second is impossible. Will she guess at the feelings I still have for her? It’s better if she never finds out, she doesn’t need someone like me. No, Autumn needs someone stable and caring, someone without their own baggage a mile high. Although the thought is enough to crush me, I’ll do what I can to still have her in my life, even if friendship is all we can ever have.
I glance over my shoulder. No one has figured out who I am. For Autumn’s sake, I’m wearing a cap with a fake blond wig underneath and ugly service station sunglasses. A Cavalier’s jersey completes the anti-rockstar look. Nothing blends in better than a City’s own team jersey. I smile as I realize she won’t even know who I am either. She’ll think I’m Stan, I have his sign with her name on it. It will be fun to see how long it takes her to figure it out.
I hold up my sign so it’s covering half my face as passengers from her flight emerge. Did she enjoy her first class flight? I’m guessing she’s never flown first class before. Heck, if I could have gotten away with it, I would have sent a private jet, but that wouldn’t be a smart move, friends don’t go to that sort of extreme.
Her hair is the first thing I notice. The pale strands fall over one shoulder and the urge to run to her and bury my hands in her soft locks is almost overwhelming. I can see when she first notices the sign because a tired smile tugs at her mouth, as if her lips are too weary to do more than twitch. I see it the moment something changes. In a flash, the smile becomes full and genuine and then she’s running towards me. I drop the sign in shock and wrap my arms around her. She smells amazing, like vanilla and roses and Autumn. Running my hands through her soft as silk hair I breathe her in.
I pull back so I can see her face. “How did you know it was me? Or do you have a thing going on with Stan the driver?” It stings even to joke about it.
Her eyes look bewildered for a moment. “Oh, you mean the wig and the sunglasses?”
“Yeah, and the sign covering the rest of my face. No-one here has even given me a second glance in the hour I’ve been here.”
“I’m sorry.” She steps back and I feel the loss immediately. “You didn’t have to wait for me.”
“I’ve missed you. Friends miss each other right?”
“Um, of course.” Autumn smiles shyly. “I’ve missed you too.”
I take her hand as we walk to the baggage claim. Friends can hold hands. Her hand feels warm and soft and…right.
“What gave me away?” I put my hand up to my fake hair to check it’s all still in place.
Her forehead crinkles and it’s adorable, I just want to kiss the lines away.
“Um…I don’t know, I just knew it was you.”
I glance around, but no one is paying us any attention so the disguise is still working, just not on her. Will she see right through me to my feelings for her too? I need to do better. I drop her hand using the fact that we’ve arrived at the baggage claim to do it.
“Which one is yours? Actually,” I laugh. “Which ones are yours? I know how much stuff women pack to go anywhere.”
She frowns and I kick myself for the reference to other women. My past isn’t something I want to rub in her face.
“There.” She points to a large black case that looks like all the rest. “Just that one.”
I grab it as it comes past, and while it’s heavy, it’s less than I was expecting. We walk out the front doors in silence. I hope she isn’t still thinking about my stupid comment. I’d give anything right now to erase all the stupid things I’ve done. I’m sure she has a past too, but there’s no way it could compare to mine. It’s something we haven’t talked about and seeing as how we can only be friends, something I never plan on sharing.
Stan is waiting in the car and I put her bag in the trunk and follow Autumn into the back seat.
“Hi Stan,” Autumn leans forward to shake Stan’s hand through the gap in the seats.
“Nice to meet you Miss O’Neil.”
I don’t like the smile he’s giving her. Like he can’t believe how beautiful she is. Usually I quite like Stan, but at this moment I have the urge to smack him down.
“Please call me Autumn.”
Stan takes a quick look at me and then turns back to face the front. “Straight to the hotel Mr. Holloway?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t believe I’m here.” Autumn bounces on her seat excitedly.
“Put your seatbelt on.”
Autumn turns to me. “You don’t have your’s on.”
“Fine.” I snap it in and watch as she does the same.
Her forehead crinkles in the middle again. “Are you alright, Finn? Is everything set for tonight’s show?”
I force the tension to leave my body. “Yeah, everything’s perfect…now.” I whisper the last part so she can’t hear me.
“So, do I get to take Sophie to the show tonight?”
“Yeah, Wes has sorted out security for you. You’ll have to leave during the encore though.”
“No problem. Does that mean we’ll miss Invincible?”
“No, that’s earlier in the set.” I lie as I mentally rearrange the setlist.
“Are you playing Downright as well?” Her smile is breathtaking.
“Of course.” Knowing how much she loves that song, it was the first one I added to the list. “We’ll be doing a few new ones as well. That’s why we’re using the smaller venues to test out some of the new material on the fans.”
Autumn closes her eyes for a long moment. “I can’t believe I get to hear Infusion Deep’s new songs before nearly everyone else.” She opens her eyes and they’re glistening with unshed tears. But she’s smiling so I know she’s happy. I love how the music makes her feel so much. My music. How will she feel if she realizes most of the new songs are about her?
“Would you like to hear one now?”
She actually squeals. “Really, Finn? You’d sing me something?”
“Sure, it’ll have to be just me though. I don’t have my guitar.”
“I thought you took your baby everywhere.”
“I guess I forgot this time.”
Her cheeks go pink, and I realize I’ve given away how much she affects me. To cover my slip I start to sing.
Just a name
Just a moment
A moment in time
How do you hold on to a moment?
Let me hold you
I need to remember this time
Ticking away
Taking you away from me
It’s just a moment
A moment in time
I can’t hold onto it
It’s slipping, slipping away from me
Just let me hold you
I need to remember this time
Ticking away
Taking you away from me
Autumn
My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest. The song is so beautiful. Finn’s voice has a husky rasp that fills me with longing. The song is haunting and makes me ache with sadness. I don’t know who it’s about, but I want to yell at them what a fool they are for letting Finn go. If he wanted to hold me, I’d never let him go. A tear runs down my cheek as the song finishes.
“It’s beautiful Finn.”
“Not as beautiful as you.” He wipes the tear away with his thumb.
The line could be cheesy, but the sincerity in his voice makes it beautiful. Does he really think I’m beautiful? Maybe in this moment, when we’re both carried away by the music. Suddenly I know just what the song means. I wish I could live in this moment forever. Finn leans closer, and for a moment I think he’s going to kiss me. But then he closes his eyes and leans back against the leather seat. It was a moment, and now it’s gone.