FIFTEEN

Lexi 

COLD STILL LINGERS on my fingertips as I unlock the door to the flat. Before I even open it I can hear distant, muffled voices and music on the other side, probably from the kitchen. 

I open the door and enter the dark, warm hallway.

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ 

Mylo.

‘Swear to God. It was definitely her,’ replies a less familiar voice. 

Frowning, I let the door close behind me and walk around the corner of the hall into view of the kitchen.

Sam, sitting at the table and fiddling with a player mat in front of her, looks up and catches my eye. ‘Speak of the devil,’ she says, half a smile on her lips.

Oh no. ‘What have I done?’ I ask, suddenly struck by that feeling of dread you get when you’re a kid in trouble. I enter the room fully to find Mylo sitting with Sam at the table and shuffling cards while Dan stands at the counter pouring some drinks. Mylo’s laptop is open and occupying a seat of its own, playing music.

‘Ice skating. With Luc Hall, apparently.’ Mylo casts a suspicious look at his boyfriend. ‘According to Dan.’ 

My stomach churns, knotting up.

‘Don’t look at me like that!’ Dan laughs in protest. ‘I saw her on my way over here. Right, Lexi? There were tons of cameras.’ 

Damn it, Dan. My eyes dart between them, trying to figure out what to say. Not really knowing what else to do, I nod. 

Sam frowns slightly and I brace myself for her judgement, my muscles tensing in anticipation, remembering how she responded to Cerys. Wondering if I can carry the lie or if I’ll break and admit it’s all just pretend.

‘Well,’ she finally says, looking back down at her player mat and arranging tokens, ‘I’m not entirely surprised.’ 

‘Same.’ Mylo keeps shuffling. 

I deflate slightly. ‘What?’

‘You’ve been being weird for weeks. We figured you were seeing someone,’ Sam says, shrugging. 

Dan sets drinks down for the three of them and joins the other two at the table.

‘Oh.’ My shoulders relax. I feel a bit silly, getting myself worked up for weeks about them finding out. Well, finding out the half-truth. 

‘You want in on this?’ Mylo picks up his laptop to make room for me, but I shake my head. 

‘I’m really tired.’ I slide my beanie off my head and start tugging at my mittens to get them off. ‘I might just go to bed.’ 

Mylo and Dan nod and say goodnight. Sam doesn’t respond. Just keeps looking down at her player mat.

‘OK. Well, goodnight,’ I say, after a moment. 

Dan starts to say goodnight but Sam interrupts.

‘Why him?’ 

I pause. ‘Sorry?’

‘That guy. Luc or whatever his name is.’ Sam keeps fiddling with her tokens. 

Guess I’m not getting off as easy as I thought. ‘I, uh—’

‘I mean, why not some roadie or something?’ Sam looks up, her lips closed in a thin line, a game token in her fingers. 

‘A roadie?’ 

‘Yeah. That’s who I thought you were seeing. Didn’t think it was an actual band member.’ She doesn’t even blink. 

My mouth hangs open slightly, not sure what to say for a moment.

Dan and Mylo watch. Card shuffling has stopped.

Am I not good enough for Luc?

No. He’d actually want to be with you if you were. He wouldn’t just be paying you to act the part.

Shut up, brain.

‘Why not a band member?’ I finally say, a bit irked at the implication I’m not good enough. 

Sam sighs and forcibly puts the token down on the table. ‘Wasn’t it enough to see what Cerys went through with Jake?’

‘That was different,’ I say, twisting my mitten in my hands. 

‘How?’ 

‘They knew each other already.’ 

And they’re actually in love, unlike me and Luc.

And in a real relationship.

Sam frowns. ‘This is a really bad idea,’ she says, shaking her head.

‘I’ll be fine!’ Aware of the heightened tone of my voice, I take a deep breath and repeat myself more calmly.  ‘Everything will be fine. It’s not how it seems.’ I bite down on my lip before I say too much. Luc said I can’t tell anyone. 

‘Not how it seems?’ Mylo says. 

I hate this.

‘I…well I’m not Cerys. And Luc isn’t my, like, lifelong crush or whatever. It’s just a fling,’ I ramble, tripping over words as I scramble for a plausible explanation. At least that’ll make it less of a big deal when we “break-up” in a few weeks or months or whatever. When Luc’s ex finally drops any hope of them getting back together. 

‘Didn’t look like “just a fling” when you were kissing in the ice rink earlier,’ says Dan, grinning. 

Sigh. I really liked you, Dan.

Sam looks at me. Mylo raises an eyebrow, but keeps his eyes on the cards in his hand. He resumes shuffling, slowly.

I frown. ‘We didn’t kiss!’

All three of them look unconvinced.

‘We haven’t kissed at all. We’re just hanging out, really.’ I want to kick myself for not going with the “just friends” narrative originally. At least for my friends. Seems like less of a lie, somehow, although either way it’s not the truth. Damn it. I’m such an idiot. Why couldn’t Luc have found someone quicker on their feet? 

Sam continues to look at me, an eyebrow raised. How can someone so tiny look so scary?

The front door creaks open.

The four of us look down the hall, towards the sound of giggling.

Cerys and Jake appear around the corner as the door clicks shut behind them.

‘Oh hey guys! Everyone is here,’ she beams, looking up at Jake. I haven’t seen her this happy since first year, when our grades didn’t matter so much. 

He has an arm wrapped protectively around her and I feel a pang of something.

‘What are you playing?’ Jake says, leaning forward to get a better look at the table and squeezing Cerys’ shoulders. She squeals in response. 

Sam ignores Jake and looks at Cerys. ‘Did you know about this?’

Confusion crosses Cerys’ face and her smile half-drops as she looks between the four of us. She frowns. ‘Know about what?’

‘Lexi and Luc.’ 

Cerys looks at me, then back to Sam. ‘No…?’ She looks up at Jake.

I look at him too, wide-eyed, pleading silently for him to somehow rescue the situation. He looks back, but the uncertainty on his face isn’t reassuring. I’m not sure if he even knows.

Either way, he says nothing.

‘They were ice skating and making out, although Lexi’s claiming it’s just a fling,’ Sam says. ‘Or they’re just hanging out.’ She throws me disapproving look. ‘I’m not sure she even knows.’ 

This is humiliating. I take a deep breath. ‘Sam, I am right here. There’s no need to tell on me like I’m some fucking delinquent child!’

‘Well maybe if you could tell us what you were playing at—’ 

‘Sam, just drop it,’ Mylo interjects, pausing his shuffling again. 

Sam opens her mouth to carry on but decides against it, crossing her arms and shaking her head instead.

After a few seconds’ silence, Cerys speaks. ‘So Luc is the guy you’ve been seeing. Why didn’t you tell us?’

I look down. I don’t know why I’m looking down. I have nothing to be ashamed about. I haven’t done anything wrong!

‘It’s ridiculous,’ Sam mutters. 

‘Why?’ I shoot back, looking up again. ‘Am I not good enough?’ I cringe a little as I say the words, knowing that Luc’s friend is right there listening, possibly knowing that I’m nothing more than a sham girlfriend. Of course I’m not good enough. I’m a mess who doesn’t even know what to do with my life. 

Sam pushes her chair back and stands up, heading for the kitchen counter. ‘No,’ she says slowly, opening a cupboard and grabbing a tall glass. ‘Because you’re going to get hurt.’ Her voice is noticeably softer now, her back to us as she fills the glass with water from the tap. She turns around and takes a sip, making eye contact.

I bristle, annoyed that she thinks I’m some fourteen-year-old who can’t take care of herself. ‘I know what I’m doing.’

‘Do you?’ Mylo says. He puts the deck of cards down on the table. 

Not you, too.

I look between them. ‘Do you all think I’m some emotional wreck who can’t handle just seeing some guy?’

They—Cerys, Mylo and Sam—all exchange a look for a moment. Jake and Dan shift awkwardly, clearly the uncomfortable outsiders to this clusterfuck.

‘Well,’ Cerys says slowly, glancing at Jake before looking back at me, ‘you did seem a bit starstruck the first time you met him. Even though he was with some other girl.’ 

Everyone looks at me.

Oh my God. Why isn’t the ground swallowing me up?

Jake frowns. ‘Who?’ he asks, looking at Cerys.

‘I don’t know. Candy or something,’ Cerys shrugs. 

Jake thinks for a moment. ‘Oh yeah. I haven’t seen her since that night, though.’ He looks at me like he’s trying to reassure me, but I still can’t tell if he’s covering for Luc or if he doesn’t actually know the truth.

I inhale deeply. ‘See. You’re all seeing things that aren’t even there,’ I say defiantly, knowing full well the irony of my words.

Sam finishes her drink. ‘Whatever,’ she says, rinsing out the glass. ‘I’m not really in the mood for games any more.’ She grabs her coat from the arm of the sofa and shrugs herself into it.

Dan sighs audibly and leans back in his chair, rubbing his face. ‘Sorry guys. Shouldn’t have said anything.’

‘Sam, just stay. We can still play,’ Mylo says, standing. 

‘No, I’m not in the mood for it any more.’ She waves her hand dismissively and starts heading for the hallway, pausing as she draws level with me and looking up at my face. 

I’ve never felt so huge and so vulnerable all at once.

‘Lexi,’ she sighs, shaking her head and looking forward again, ‘you’re a fool.’ 

I want to respond, but I haven’t got a clue what to say.

Maybe she’s right.

She disappears down the hall and the front door clicks shut behind her.

The atmosphere is unbearable. I bite the top of my thumb, avoiding eye contact with the four people left in the room with me.

‘We could still play?’ Jake tries, nudging Cerys towards the table. 

Cerys reaches out and touches my arm. ‘Lexi?’ she says, softly.

I shake my head and walk to my room, afraid of what I might say.

Kicking off my shoes and sinking onto my bed, I feel sick.

I hate this.

Should have just told the truth.