NINETEEN

Luc 

LEXI’S MUM EYES the decorative skulls on the side of Harry’s van suspiciously. ‘Are you sure you have to go so soon?’ Claire pulls Lexi into a hug under the street lights. 

‘Yeah,’ Lexi responds after pulling back. She stands several inches taller than her mother. ‘Need to start revising for January exams. And there’s a group project I’m in the middle of.’ 

While they say their goodbyes, I load Lexi’s stuff into the back of the van. Not that there’s much to load. One case that barely weighs anything.

‘It was nice to meet you, Luc,’ Claire says. ‘Good luck with the drumming.’ 

‘Keep an eye on her, won’t you?’ adds David, Lexi’s dad. 

Lexi’s face twists in annoyance. ‘I’m not a little girl any more, Dad.’

‘You are to me.’ He pats her on the head, laughing, and she bats him away before opening the passenger door to get in. 

Claire walks over before Lexi can close the door. ‘Give us a call when you’re back. So we know you’re safe,’ she says.

‘I always do,’ Lexi smiles, before gently pulling the door shut. As we pull away, they wave and Lexi watches her house disappear in the distance. She says nothing. 

‘Your parents seem nice,’ I say after a few minutes. 

‘Yeah. They are.’ She looks down and fiddles with her seat belt. ‘You know, I was going to stay until tomorrow.’ 

‘It was your idea for us to leave tonight. They wanted us both to stay.’ 

‘Only so you’d stop saying things that make them think I’ve lost any sense of direction! It’s hard enough as it is.’ Lexi folds her arms and looks out the passenger window. 

‘What do you mean?’ I ask. 

‘Photography.’ 

‘What’s wrong with photography?’ 

‘Nothing.’ She looks forward. 

‘You seem to like it.’ 

‘I do!’ she says, exasperated. 

I frown. ‘Then what’s the problem?’

She sighs audibly. ‘What would I even do with photography? I wouldn’t know where to start. And I’m already over two thirds of the way through a biology degree, with teaching experience. I can’t just change direction now. It would be a huge waste.’

‘But you don’t want to teach,’ I say, stating the obvious thing she’s avoiding. 

‘That’s not the point!’ 

I brake slowly as we approach a red light. The streets are almost dead. Guess everyone is still at home on Boxing Day night. Or down the pub.

‘What do you mean?’ I ask, deliberately keeping my voice calm to balance out the anger in hers. 

‘It would be a huge waste of time and money if I changed my mind now.’ 

‘But you don’t want to teach. And I already told you that you don’t have to worry about how much it’ll cost to do a different postgraduate course because I’m going to fund it.’ 

She turns to look at me as the lights start changing to green. ‘Yeah, and I appreciate that, but the chances of me getting any kind of stable job or income as a photographer are much lower than if I just go into teaching.’

I don’t respond for a few moments. Instead I focus on the road, following the signs for the motorway.

‘Wait,’ I say eventually. ‘What do you mean, “it’s hard enough as it is”?’ 

‘My brother. The firstborn,’ she responds flatly. 

We exit a roundabout onto a slip road. ‘I thought you were an only child.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ 

I indicate to join the motorway. ‘Well, where was your brother?’

Lexi bristles. ‘He’s away. Training. Skiing. I don’t know.’ Lexi reaches forward and turns the radio on.

I nod and decide to let the whole thing drop for now.

For three and a half songs, neither of us speak. Just music, cat’s eyes and the occasional car on the road with us. Partway through the fourth song, Lexi finally says something.

‘Why did you come?’ 

‘I told you why.’ 

‘But I’m not really your girlfriend,’ she says, her voice noticeably calmer than before. 

I check my rearview mirror as we close in on a slower vehicle in front, and indicate before moving to overtake. ‘Harry’s got a party on New Year’s Eve. I want you to come.’

Her brow creases slightly. ‘That’s nearly a week away.’

‘Today is the only day I could have the van. Harry needs it tomorrow night.’ 

Lexi looks around the cabin. ‘You could have just messaged me. I could have just got the train back.’

I shift in my seat. ‘Yes,’ I say slowly. ‘Where’s the fun in that, though?’

Lexi looks at me, dark hair slipping over her shoulder, softly reflecting small glimpses of light from other cars on the motorway.

I keep my eyes on the road, fighting every urge to look back as she studies my face.

I wonder if she can see right into me.

Can see that, really, I just wanted to see her.