Prologue
Cassie
Three years ago
He climbs through my window at night and I cringe, not wanting him to see my face. The man knows me better than I know myself, he would sense something’s wrong.
I close my eyes, pretending to sleep and listen as he undresses. He strips off his shirt and dumps it on my lounge before his belt buckle clanks heavily to the ground. The sound of his zip follows before his jeans are pushed down and stepped out of.
The blanket is pulled back, allowing the night’s cool air to brush my skin before he slides in behind me and pulls my body against his. He’s just gotten back from Hockey Training and most likely had to sit in a cold car on the way home after his parents refused to fix his heating, though, I have no doubt one of my brothers could do it for him.
“Love you,” he murmurs as he presses a soft kiss to my neck.
I don’t dare say it back, in fear of breaking. I can’t let him know but my body betrays me as I snuggle deeper into his hold.
I stay there all night, wrapped in his loving arms and listening to the soft rhythmic sound of his heart, knowing that what I’m about to do is going to tear him to shreds. That knowledge on its own is nearly enough to kill me and I hate myself for what I’m going to put him through.
It’s now four o’clock in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink. My eyes are red raw from the tears I’ve spilled throughout the night. I lift his arm up and slide out from under him, I go to the bathroom and get dressed before quietly pulling my suitcase out from under my bed.
I walk over to him and gently press a kiss to his temple. “I’m sorry,” I whisper into the night, fearing I might wake him. I hastily wipe a tear as it rushes down my cheek. “I love you so much,” I tell him, hating that this will be the last time I ever whisper those precious words to him.
I let out one last shaky breath and rip my eyes away from his sleeping form. I take the handle of my suitcase and leave before I convince myself to stay. I’m out the door and rushing down the long driveway, sobbing so fiercely that I struggle for breath.
This is the right thing to do, I tell myself, over and over again. For everyone, I need to get away and discover myself. Be happy and confident in my own skin. I’ll come back and visit my family all the time. It will be fine. It has to be fine. They’ll understand.
I push the big metal gates open and find the cab I’d ordered last night, ready and waiting.
The driver gets out and cringes as he takes me in but chooses not to mention the tears streaming down my face. He takes my suitcase and loads it in the back before opening the door for me.
“Where to, mam?” he asks.
With a sigh, I let out a controlled breath and pull myself together as I look back at my home. “Airport please.”
An hour later, I stand at the gate with my boarding pass in hand. “Miss,” the lady at the gate says, trying to get my attention for the third time. I turn my head and she gives me a show of sympathy, probably from my red nose and tear-stained cheeks. “This is the last call for this fight. If you’re not ready, there is another flight leaving at 9.”
Shit, it will be too late by then. It’s now or never. “No,” I say with a shake of my head as I hand her my pass. “I’m ready. I’m coming.”
With a tight smile, she takes my boarding pass and scans it before handing it back and unknowingly, changing my entire life.
A few hours later, I touch down in New York and find my way to the apartment I’ve rented for the next few weeks as I wait for the semester to begin, then I’ll be moving into the dorm rooms.
I spend my day unpacking and doing some groceries, terrified of turning on my phone and finding the countless messages from him, wondering where the hell I am, if I’m ok or if he had done something wrong.
By nightfall, I go around the apartment and shut off all the lights. I flick my phone on for a brief moment and do my best to ignore the messages that instantly fill my inbox.
First up, I send off a text to mum, letting her know I’m safe and ok before I open a new message to him. A million things go through my mind of what I should say but nothing seems enough. I know he will never forgive me for leaving him like that, with no goodbye or a chance to fight but had he known, he would have tried to stop me and I undoubtedly would have listened.
So I say the one thing that also says the million other things that I can’t.
Cassie – I’m sorry. Forgive me.
I hit send and immediately turn my phone off.
I lay down in my big empty bed, in this strange apartment feeling incredibly alone. Big, fat tears start filling my eyes as my heart begins to ache, wishing those arms that have held me every night for the past few years were there once again.
It’s then, the very same day I left, that I realise, I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life and there is not a thing I can do to take it back.