I opened the front door to my childhood home and found Vivian standing there, her lip curled. She was worked up, and I knew why.

The first thing I did was hug her. It was just our silent thing to do. When we knew the other one was upset, a hug was the trick. We made that deal after our mother died. We took turns grieving, tried to keep Dad as happy as we could, and always promised each other that we would just hug.

“He’s so fucking stubborn,” Vivian whispered.

“I know he is,” I said. “Why don’t you head back to work. I’ll stay here. Deal with him. Take a breather.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

I took her by the hand and we walked into the kitchen. Dad stood there, a hand on the counter, his other hand touching his chest. He took labored breaths. On the counter was a box of frozen hamburgers.

“I have to leave, Dad,” Vivian said. “Back to work.”

“Good,” he said. “You don’t need to be here. Go live your life. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure you’re fine?” I asked.

“Just a little winded. That’s all.” He smiled. “Come here, Viv. Give me a hug.”

They hugged and when Vivian turned, she had tears in her eyes. I caught her hand as she walked away, squeezing it a few times. She then slipped away and left the house.

The first thing I did was pick up the box of frozen hamburgers and then opened the trash and threw it out.

“Hey,” Dad growled. “I paid eight-”

“I don’t care,” I said. “You can’t have that stuff.”

“Says who?”

“Me. Doctors.”

“Vivian,” he said.

“You hurt her feelings, Dad.”

“She’s picky.”

“You’re sick.”

“I’m not damn sick,” Dad snapped.

“Your heart…”

He curled his lip. “After all I’ve been through, nobody gets to question my heart.”

He pushed from the counter and walked with grunts and sighs.

I understood it.

I gave him a few minutes to himself.

I snuck to the downstairs bathroom to pee and collect my emotions. In some sense, my father had gotten close to meeting my mother again. Surviving meant living and being with me and Vivian. Dying meant he could find his love again.

So for him it was both a winning and losing situation at the same time.

I wiped the corners of my eyes and went to the living room.

Dad sat in his favorite green chair.

I sat on the edge of the couch.

“Let’s talk about her,” I said.

“What?”

“Mom.”

“No.”

“Dad, I understand. I’m sorry you had to relive it all again. After coming through this. I don’t know what I can say to you because I can’t imagine not having you around. But if you were gone, I would find comfort knowing you were with her.”

I saw the way Dad gripped the arms of the chair.

This conversation probably wasn’t good for his heart.

I should have just let him cook the damn burgers.

Dad took a deep breath. He looked at me. “Vivian is a pain in the ass. Just like your mother.”

I smirked. “So that’s why you’re being mean to her.”

“I’m not mean. I’m honest.”

“Honest?”

“I’m hungry, Rose.”

“Then let us make you something.”

“I don’t want that rabbit food.”

“Dad.”

“Rose,” he said in a cocky voice.

“You’re being a child now.”

“Ha. Now you know what it was like dealing with you girls. Forever fighting over toys, brushes, the bathroom, never wanting to eat what I cooked.”

“You sucked at cooking.”

“I did the best I could,” he said, his eyes becoming glossy.

“I know,” I said. “And you did amazing.”

I would have given anything right then for Dad’s version of meatloaf. This charred hunk of meat with chunks of I don’t know what inside it.

“Amazing,” Dad said. “I don’t feel it.”

“You should.”

“Rose. I’m not sure what to think or feel. Okay? You said it about your mother. But then me going early and not experiencing you and Vivian’s lives…”

“You’re still here,” I said.

“For now.”

“Don’t talk like that. Do what the doctors say and you’ll be fine.”

“You know, I never knew what to do with Foster.”

“Foster? We’re talking about Foster now?”

“Yeah, we are. I could never get a read on that guy. You were head over heels from the day you saw him. I knew I was in trouble. And his father…”

“What’s the deal with you and his father?”

Dad looked at me. “I warned him.”

“Warned him?”

“I told him so many times to stop fucking up Foster’s life.”

“You said that to Kevin?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“When?”

“After work. I’d sometimes have a beer with the guys. Kevin would be there. I grabbed him one time and put him right over the bar. I had the shit head in my hands and wanted to kill him.”

“Really?”

Dad nodded. “The guys pulled me away. Then he came after me. They ended up throwing us out back to settle things.”

“You fought Foster’s father?”

“Not really a fight,” Dad said. “We pushed and shoved. And then he played me.”

“Played you how?”

“He broke down a little. Played into my emotions. About losing your mother. How he lost his love. We ended up drinking a few. Talking. He asked me for some money to get a room. I told him to clean up and get a place so that he and Foster could settle. He took that money and bought himself some drugs. Got high. Got into trouble. Got arrested. With my money.” Dad pointed to his chest. “Jesus, Rose, it was like I bought him the stuff. I couldn’t look Foster in the eyes again after that.”

“Dad… it’s not your fault.”

“It is. Because that guy will always be the same. And I never let Foster stay here. I should have made a room for him. But how could I have done that? You were teenagers.”

I moved from the couch and walked to Dad. I crouched in front of him. “You did nothing wrong. Ever. We’re figuring ourselves out. Together.”

“I know that piece of shit father of his is out of jail again,” Dad said. “I hope he doesn’t mess things up.”

“Foster is an adult. So am I. It’s just life.”

Dad took a deep breath and moved his left shoulder with discomfort. “Life.”

“And you, Dad, you’re going to eat what you’re told. Walk when you’re supposed to walk. Not overdo it.”

“Yeah, right,” he said. “Whatever you say, Rose.”

I stood up and had a sudden sinking feeling in my stomach. I gripped Dad’s shoulder and suddenly had the urge the throw up. My mouth bone dry, my stomach squeezing. I took a breath and swallowed hard.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah. I just stood up too fast. I have to go pee.”

“You just went. I heard you in the bathroom.”

“I have to go again,” I said.

I really did, too.

Dad raised an eyebrow at me.

He didn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t need to.

I didn’t think of it all that much.

But after I made Dad something to eat and decided to leave, he walked me to the door with a smile on his face like I hadn’t seen in years. He hugged me tighter than he had in a long time.

I didn’t know what had made him so happy, but it was really good to see.

As for me… I was about to find out just what the reason was .