January 28
Dear Diary,
Funny, the conversation I overheard between my dad and Damian really helped me. For almost two weeks, I haven’t had much else on my mind. Thanks to them, today I’ve made a decision about the experimental drug.
Since I’ve decided, everything I see is more vibrant. Even the sunrise this morning seemed more beautiful. All of the colors so magnificently blended together, yet still their own hues and shades. I imagine the mountains and the beaches, the splendor of the earth, and think, “God made all of this, how much more beautiful heaven must be.” Like sunrise, all the time.
Being in Damian’s arms lately, I can’t describe it, but it’s like my heart is free. I can breathe again. I smell the snow and the ice on the trees differently. He sent me flowers this week, and they, too, smelled sweeter.
Last night, when his hands slipped under my shirt and I felt his fingertips gliding over my back—hmmm—even that felt deeper than it ever has. Then he kissed me. My whole body down to my toes responded. I’m smiling now, thinking about it.
You know, it’s weird, but after Damian’s heroin incident, something inside me clicked. Seeing him lying there, pale and wasted, suddenly made me realize how precious life is. You’d think living with cancer all these years I’d have a good grasp on that fact, but seeing someone you love slipping away right in front of you—well, nothing’s more terrifying. Or jarring.
Tonight, at dinner, I’m going to tell my family, Damian included. I’ve made up my mind. It’s all clear to me now.
~*~
I paced my room, stealing glances at the digital clock on my nightstand. The delicious smells of dinner wafted up the stairs and circled inside my bedroom. Unfortunately, the aroma mixed with my anxiety made me nauseous. All I thought about was Damian and how he’d respond to my news.
The clock flashed six o’clock. He’d finished his shift at the hospital and would be on his way to my house soon.
I threw my head back, staring at the ceiling as if it wasn’t there. Sitting on my bed, I gazed at the pictures of Damian and me covered in flour during Christmas that I’d stuck to my vanity mirror. Our happy faces made my heart flutter for a second before I fell back on the bed.
I stayed there until the buzz of an engine sounded in the driveway. Automatically, I jumped up and peered out the window. Damian stepped out of his black BMW, still wearing his sky blue scrubs with his backpack slung over a shoulder. So gorgeous.
He shut his door, spun around, and winked at me through the window. His dimples deepened, and his face lit up.
My grin widened by the second. Oh, how I loved him! Allowing the curtain to fall closed, I stepped back and took a deep breath. After straightening my skirt, I ran down the stairs to meet him at the door.
My mom had already let him in. As he rounded the corner, I flung myself into his arms, kissing him like crazy.
His arms tightened around me. “God, I missed you.”
I pressed closer, not wanting to let go. He kissed me on the sweet spot of my neck, just under my ear, eliciting a soft moan from me.
“I’ll take that as an ‘I missed you, too,’” he hummed in my ear.
My dad fake-coughed behind us. We both turned, and I blushed.
“Hey, Mr. Browdy.” Damian extended his hand.
“Good to see you.” My father shook his hand, nodding. “Dinner in ten minutes, you two.”
Damian winked at me again before heading to the bathroom to change. I went to the living room and sat on the sofa to wait. When he came in, I reached up to him, but instead of falling into me, he took my hand and shook politely.
“Katie, I presume?”
I laughed and yanked as I hard as I could, pulling him into me. Rolling, he scooped me up and buried his lips into my neck.
“Leslie asked about you,” he said when I was securely enveloped in his embrace. “She wanted to make sure you’re doing all right.”
I played with his fingers, kissing them every so often.
“And Brennan says hi.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Kid looks good. Almost beat me in Mario Kart today.”
I glared at him. “Is that what you did all day? Play video games?”
Damian feigned offended. “No! After an hour, his new chemo buddy showed up, and they kicked me out.” He grabbed me in a bear hug.
My mother announced dinner, and my heart sank. I swallowed the lump in my throat, but another immediately took its place.
Here we go.
Damian offered his hand and helped me up.
“You’re hands are clammy,” he noticed.
“Oh, really?” I shrugged. “Go on, I’ll be just a second.”
I darted for the bathroom. In front of the mirror, my face looked pale. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
I can do this.
When I joined my family at the dinner table, everyone was laughing and talking, scooping chicken primavera on their plates. I took the seat between my dad and Damian and tried to join the conversation while thinking about what I needed to say when we’d finished the meal.
Through the laughing, the atmosphere was strained. Distracted by my thoughts, at first I thought it was just me. As I glanced around the table, it seemed everyone felt the apprehension. No one ate much, leaving over half of Mom’s well-cooked meal in their serving bowls. My shoulders fell from the weight.
My mother fidgeted with her utensils. Dad studied her, some sort of unspoken communication passing between them. Damian’s hand rested on my thigh. Whenever the conversation died down a little, he squeezed.
I watched the people I loved more than anything in the world. Resting on my father, I breathed a giggle. He had a bit of food caught in his goatee.
I’d always admired the way, after twenty years of marriage, my mother still gazed at him like there was no one else in the room. I wanted that, too.
And Damian. The way his eyes lit up when he saw me always made me shiver…in a good way. No set of arms were more comforting than his.
My dad interrupted my trance. “Well, Katie. What is it that you wanted to tell us?”
My attention shifted from my father, to my mother, and my boyfriend. I cleared my throat and laced my fingers through Damian’s for support.
Three sets of eyes pierced me. I inhaled.
“I, uh, wanted to tell you that I’ve made a decision about the new drug.” Damian’s hand held mine even tighter. My mother stiffened, and Dad gave me a nod of encouragement.
“Whatever you’ve decided, sweetie, we’ll support you,” Dad said, his voice cracking.
I nodded and glanced at Damian.
“It’s okay,” he murmured.
My eyes flashed to my mother.
“I love you, honey. No matter what you choose to do.” Her tone softened as she spoke.
Bowing my head, I took another breath. I looked up, making sure to lock on each person when I spoke.
I said the words with confidence, holding my head high. “I’ve decided not to do the drug. I’ll wait for a transplant if one becomes available.”
Through the tears, Mom grinned at me. My father’s mouth gaped slightly, his hand on his chin. Loving approval glowed in his brown irises.
Then Damian. It was the angst of his response that had taken me so long to decide. His nostrils flared; his face paled. Fear seemed to pour off him like steam.
Slowly, with his other hand, he caressed my cheek as if my parents weren’t there.
“Katie.” His voice trembled.
“It’s what I want,” I answered quietly. “I’m…”
“Don’t say it. I’m here for you. Always.”
I nodded as he leaned in and kissed me.
~*~
The tension lifted a little as the evening wore on. With my news, Damian’s probation became null and void, and he was allowed to stay even after my parents went to bed.
Cuddled up on the sofa, Damian was unusually quiet. I glided my fingers down his arms, wanting him to speak first. He hugged me to him and kissed the top of my head. I didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts, so I continued my motions on his skin.
“I don’t want to spend a second away from you,” he finally said.
“Me neither.”
“This is really your decision, huh?”
I rolled onto my stomach, lying on top of his chest. “Do you remember our first conversation? When you asked if I was happy?”
Damian sucked his lower lip between his teeth then let it go. “I was wrong.”
“I lied to you. I realized that I wasn’t happy at the time. But I am now.”
I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him. He didn’t kiss me back.
“Life is short, Damian. I’m not giving up on the hope of a donor. I’ll still take the meds to slow down the progress. But I’m tired. Even with the drug, there are no guarantees. I could still only have a few months.”
“But Kate—”
“Please.” I swallowed, twirling a lock of his hair around my finger. “You told me once that I didn’t know the outcome. Now I do, and I want to live it out.
“We all die, Damian. Before I do, I want to love with all my heart. Give all I have, experience all I can, and leave behind some piece of me that will never be forgotten. I want to enjoy the time I have left. I’m choosing life. Moments. Memories. For you.”
A tear streamed down my face. Damian didn’t hesitate in kissing it away.
“Because I love you,” I whispered.
Damian cupped my face, bringing me down to him. His eyes sparkled amidst the fear. He kissed me with such passion, as if it was the last time he’d ever feel my lips against his. I clung to him, allowing his need to wash through me, his anxiety to be shared. His fingers gripped the back of my shirt, pushing me into him.
When he let go, he buried his face into my neck. I felt moisture slip from his cheek onto my skin. Slowly, I balled my hands in his hair.
I pulled back. “I do have some, uh, last wishes for you.”
“Anything.”
I smiled. “Five of them.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“One at a time. When I’m ready to share.”
Damian’s brows furrowed as he tilted his head sideways. “A game?”
“An investment.”
His tongue glided over his lips. “First one?”
“A visit.”
“Hmm. To where?”
Inhaling deeply, I stared at him wondering what he would think. “I want to visit your mother and Liam’s graves.”
Damian’s breath caught. “I haven’t been there since…”
Silence thickened around us.
Finally, he raised his eyes to mine. “Okay.”