Damian lay in bed next to me, his fingers gliding up and down my arm. I held his other hand tightly against my chest, kissing it when I needed to feel closer to him.
It was the first day of April and a thunderstorm raged outside the windows. But it was nothing compared to the one raging inside my body.
Everything hurt. My head felt like it would burst at any second, and my stomach spun as if a whirlpool were dragging it in a downward spiral to the ocean floor.
I’d barely made it through my first golf tournament of the year before collapsing in Damian’s arms. He drove me home immediately and put me in bed. Then he called his dad. That was two days ago.
I awoke several times in the middle of the night with dreams that would scare a zombie with a machine gun. Each time, Damian held me tighter, whispering comforting words in my ear until the fear passed.
After the last one, I didn’t want to go back to sleep.
“Damian,” I said, my voice shaking.
“It’s okay. It was just a dream.”
“Will you take me to the window? I want to see the sunrise.”
Damian kissed my temple. “If that’s what you want.”
He slipped out of bed and threw on a t-shirt from the floor. By the time he made it to my side of the bed, I’d managed to sit up a little. Sliding his arms under me, he lifted me up and carried me to the window seat. With Damian behind me, I leaned up against him. He folded me into his arms where I felt safe, where nothing, not even death, could reach me. In the newness of the morning rays, peace spread over me, and I drifted into a restful sleep.
~*~
That evening when I woke up I was back in bed, and the tremors had stopped. Grimacing, I rolled to face Damian. He had a faraway look in his eyes. I caressed his cheek and ran my fingertips over his lips. His gaze shifted to me, the beginning of a smile forming.
“What were you thinking about?” I murmured.
Shadows clouded his irises. “Nothing.”
I rolled a loose lock of his hair around my finger. “Hmm. Liar.”
He laughed softly. “Yeah. I forgot about that.”
“Now you have to tell me.”
Sucking his lower lip between his teeth, he hesitated.
“I love when you do that,” I whispered.
He chuckled under his breath. “Dad said if…if a donor wasn’t found soon, that,” he paused, doing the lip-thing again. “Uh, that there’d be more of these days until...”
His head dropped, and he squeezed his lids closed, fighting back tears.
“Hey.” I lifted his chin. “Open them.”
They flitted open, two pain-filled sapphires glistening with moisture.
“Everything will be okay,” I insisted.
Damian shook his head. “You don’t know that.”
“Sure I do.” I kissed his lips, but he didn’t return it.
For a split second, I thought I saw the faces of Nora and Liam flash in his eyes. Just when he’d finally begun to deal with their deaths, the tide had turned again. When I’d fallen in love with him, dying hadn’t been an option. Now, it was staring me down.
“There’s still time,” I said softly, tracing the curve of his jaw.
Bravery. Hope. Courage. Yes, I did those things well. And whether Damian liked it or not, I did bedside manner just as well as his father.
“Damian, don’t give up on me, because I’m not.”
His eyes shifted up at the resoluteness in my tone. A chuckle escaped him.
“You’re cute when you’re serious.”He tucked his arm under my head and pulled me into him. “No way in hell I’m giving up.”
~*~
A week passed, and I stayed in bed three of seven days. I drained of energy faster and faster. Coach allowed Damian to drive me in a golf cart during practices, but I only managed half the course. He started carrying a soda and snacks for me during golf practice—and everywhere else. I usually declined when he offered; he was my boyfriend, not my nurse.
During meal times, Damian’s eyes bored into me when I pushed my food away, my toddler portion half-eaten. Even writing diary entries was exhausting.
Every night, Damian carried me upstairs and tucked me in before crawling under the covers beside me. Then, I laid my head on his bare chest, feeling the warmth of his skin flow through me before falling asleep in the only place I ever wanted to be.
On Saturday, I had to sacrifice some time with Damian to go prom-dress shopping with my mother. The glow of pure excitement on her face made up for it. Mom acted as if we were going wedding dress shopping. Exhibit A: she’d gotten her hands on numerous prom magazines and marked the dresses she liked before setting them on my dresser.
An overwhelming number of dresses attacked me in the first store. My mother danced around the racks, grabbing hangers off them at an incredible speed. Did she even stop to check the sizes before she swung them over her arm?
On the other side of the store, I spotted one through the masses of silk, satin, and tulle, and found an empty dressing room. Not long after I’d locked it, I heard my mom’s voice calling my name.
“In here,” I said, sticking my foot under the door and wiggling it around to catch her attention.
After one knock, I let her in. She barreled through the door with so many dresses I couldn’t see her head.
“What the…? Mom!”
Within a minute, she had the gowns hung in an organized fashion on the pegs around us—a real Martha Stewart. I barely had room to move.
“Where do you want to start?” Her girlish excitement made me laugh.
“Um,” I said, showing off the dress I’d picked out and already had on.
Mom stepped back to examine me. She made a funny face then shook her head.
I nodded. “Yeah, I wasn’t impressed either.”
An hour and a half later, only two gowns hung on the maybe peg. While I rested, Mom held up each remaining dress for my scrutiny; the last one being the most gorgeous dress I’d ever seen.
Where the strapless gown dipped in the front over grey sheer, beads and rhinestones were interspersed down the bodice. Gathered material, fading from grey to white, wove around the front to the back. Layers of soft, sheer fabric flowed into a pure white skirt with fish-wire creating waves at the hems. A slit in the left hand side of the front ran to the middle of my thigh.
The delight on my mother’s face said it all.
I twisted to the mirror and gasped. It was perfect.
~*~
Damian studied me with a smirk when I walked through my bedroom door carrying the dress in a black bag.
“No peeking,” I said as I hung it up at the far end of my closet.
He rose to his knees on my mattress, surrounded by homework. In one motion, he swept everything on the floor.
“I don’t care about the dress. I haven’t been able to concentrate since you left.”
I stood at the edge of the bed with my hands on my hips. “You need to get your work done if you want to graduate.”
“I put my name on the top of my math assignment. That’s enough for today.”
He took my hands and pulled me on top of him. His arms circled me, holding me close. Rolling me to the side, he kissed my neck, and I giggled. Slowly making his way to my mouth, he pressed his lips against mine. His tongue slid inside, and I melted into him.
My fingers tangled in his hair, and warmth filled me down to my toes. Just being near him set me on fire, but in his arms, kissing him, I was on a whole new level of burning. I kissed him back, allowing myself to absorb every touch.
Damian rolled me onto my back, stood up, and started for the door.
I frowned. “Where are you going?”
Without a word, he shot me a mischievous grin and turned the lock. The tingles cascading down my spine made me shiver.
Our clothes quickly found their places on the floor. Wrapped up in his embrace, the world faded away. It was easy to forget how quickly time ticked by with Damian’s skin pressed against mine.
The room evaporated, and with it, all my medications on the nightstand, every reminder of how sick I was, and what the future held. In that moment, all that mattered was us.
“You’d better get some rest before the party tonight,” he said afterward.
Oh yeah! I’d completely forgotten about Brennan’s remission party the nurses were putting on.
Damian leaned over to kiss me. “Get some sleep. I’ll be back up later.”
He got up, swiping his clothes off the floor and got dressed. I watched him, the pit of my stomach beginning to tighten. He gathered his schoolwork off the floor and offered me a dazzling grin over his shoulder as he closed the door behind him.
Exhausted, and a bit frazzled, I lay back against the pillows, imagining Damian’s lips against mine. I’d give anything to have them back, even for one more second. The pressure in my stomach dissolved into emptiness, and I scrambled to dig out my diary from under my pillow.
April 9
Dear Diary,
I wish I could go back. If I knew I’d feel this way, maybe I’d have made a different choice. Taken the drug or something.
Time is running out, and I don’t want to face the inevitable. Not because I’m scared to die, but because I can’t wrap my mind around not being with Damian anymore. Not feeling his kisses. I don’t ever want to be without him.
No, I can’t let him go.
I thought if I could hang on for a few more months and not be sick, I could get enough of him to last a lifetime and be ready when death knocks. I thought I’d be able to say good-bye.
I glanced at my open closet doors. A piece of the dress bag stuck out from the corner. My vision blurred over, so I squeezed my lids closed. Sniffling, I wiped the tears away, opened my eyes and continued to write.
There’s never enough time to say good-bye. Never enough time to say “I love you.” Never enough time to let go. I could have been given a thousand years with Damian, and still not be able to do this.
I’ve tried to be brave for myself as much as for him. It’s so hard to be strong, though, when I see his sadness, when he kisses me like there may not be a tomorrow.
I hate going to school now. It’s so much time away from him. But if I don’t go, he won’t go. I can’t have him give up his future. Him graduating is my consolation prize.
Dropping my pen, I looked up from my diary and took a deep breath. Sometimes it helped. I inhaled again, as deeply as I could, then let it out slowly. I picked up my pen again.
I love him. That’s why, when the time comes, I need to let him go.
He can’t fight this for me. It’s the one thing I have to do on my own. When I close my eyes for the last time, I know it’s Damian’s face I’ll see.
~*~
I didn’t notice when Damian came back in. When I awoke, he was already dressed in a pair of jeans and a pin striped button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up; the shirt was untucked as usual. He sat beside my bed, scratching his head over a math problem.
“You forgot to carry the one,” I said.
He snapped his head up. “Where?”
“Second line.”
His brow furrowed. “Damnit!” He ripped the paper out of his notebook and wadded it up, tossing it on the floor.
I chuckled under my breath. Damian stared at me for a second then started laughing too. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me.
“God, I …” He shook his head slightly and kissed me again.
I took a quick shower and got dressed; a jean skirt with a white sleeveless polo. Damian waited downstairs, and before I met him, I opened the top drawer of my dresser and pulled out a white envelope I’d stashed under my socks. Glancing at the door, I slipped it into my purse.
Damian’s hand never left mine during the drive to the hospital. The Commons was decorated with blue balloons in clumps sitting on the furniture. Blue and white streamers hung from the ceiling, and a table was set up in the corner filled with fruits and vegetables, nuts, mints, and a large blue-frosted cake with the words “CONGRATULATIONS BRENNAN” sprawled across the top in white icing.
When we walked through the door, Brennan ran toward us, throwing his arms around Damian’s waist.
“Hey, buddy,” Damian said, rubbing his back.
Brennan’s smile could have been seen from Missouri; it was so bright. “Where’ve you been?”
Damian nodded apologetically. “Kate’s needed me.”
“Hi, Kate!”
I ruffled his head, where small bits of brown hair poked up now. “You did good.”
“You will too.” Brennan took me by the hand and tugged me into the room. “We’re having a Mario Kart tournament. You’ve gotta sign up.”
“Me?” I scrunched up my nose. “I’m not sure.”
“Oh, come on,” Brennan begged. “You’ll be an easy win.”
Damian snorted behind me. I glared at him over my shoulder.
“Please? You’ll only have to race once before you lose. Well, unless you play my mom. Then you might have a shot.” His puppy eyes pleaded with me. “Please?”
I sighed and put my name on the list. Damian followed suit, and Brennan clapped his hands in delight.
“This is gonna be awesome!”
“Right,” I muttered.
Bouncing on his toes, he ran off to greet his other guests—and convince them to sign up, no doubt.
“How are you feeling, Katie?” Leslie’s hand touched my shoulder.
I gave her a hug. “I’ve been better. This brings back memories,” I said, scanning the room.
“I was really hoping to throw you a third remission party,” she said.
“Maybe you’ll be throwing me a successful transplant-party, instead.”
Leslie dropped her gaze to the floor. “That’d be nice.”
She nodded at Damian before she walked away.
Damian led me to one of the tables covered in a blue plastic tablecloth. We sipped punch and ate nuts, watching the party guests and waiting for our names to be called for the Wii tournament.
As Brennan so accurately predicted, I lost my one and only match—against Tammy! Damian, of course, won his first match-up against a twelve-year old bald girl with a yellow headband. I slugged him on the shoulder.
“What?” he said, an eyebrow quirked.
During his second round, my stomach started to churn. Waiting until he was well into his race against one of the nurses, I slipped out of The Commons and hurried to the bathroom. I pushed open a stall door and fell to my knees, throwing up into the toilet.
A hand rubbed my back. I didn’t have to look up to see who it was; I’ve known her touch since I was eleven.
When my stomach was empty, I dropped on my butt, leaning up against the side of the stall. Leslie handed me a glass of water.
“Thanks,” I muttered.
I rinsed my mouth and spit into the toilet.
“Katie,” Leslie said, her eyes focused inside the porcelain.
I shifted my gaze, and my heart lurched.
Blood.
I stared at it, understanding. “Don’t tell Damian, okay?”
Leslie shook her head. “Katie, I can’t just ignore this.”
I nodded, my attention not leaving the scarlet-stained water. “I’m not asking you to. Just not Damian.”
Pulling out her cell, Leslie dialed and held it up to her ear. “Dr. Lowell, are you here yet? Good. Come to the girls’ bathroom. And be discreet.”
Not two minutes later, the bathroom door opened, and Dr. Lowell knelt beside us in the too-cramped stall. He glanced into the toilet then at me. I’m sure my face was as white as the hospital bed sheets.
Dr. Lowell sighed.
“It’s happening, isn’t it?” My voice trembled.
Dr. Lowell nodded, his fist pressed against his mouth. Then he did something he’s never done before: He wrapped his arms around me.
“I guess this means another pill?” I asked into his shirt. He smelled like Damian.
“Yeah. Yeah, it does.”
I looked up at him. “Prom. I have to make it to prom.”
Dr. Lowell nodded. “I’ll do everything in my power.”
We went back to the party in shifts so as to not alert anyone.
“Where were you?” Damian demanded as soon as I entered The Commons.
I kissed his cheek. “Little girl’s room.” I winked, and his shoulders fell.
“Let me know next time, all right? I was worried.” He led me back to our table, and I laid my head in my arms.
The Mario Kart tournament came down to Brennan and Damian. A look of understanding passed between them before they began their five-race final. After each one, Damian’s head pivoted in my direction. I smiled, and he went back to his game.
For the last race, Damian and Brennan were tied two-two. Silence spread over The Commons as all eyes were on the 60 inch television hanging on the wall. On the last lap, Brennan hunched over a little further, determined. Damian had a mischievous grin on his face, and I was sure that on the last corner, Damian slipped off the track on purpose, allowing Brennan to pass him and roll over the finish line first.
The room exploded in cheers and applause as Damian scooped Brennan up on his shoulders. Damian jogged around the room, and everyone gave Brennan high fives as he passed.
Soon after, the blue cake was cut and Damian sat down with a piece for himself and one for me.
I took a bite before dumping the rest on Damian’s plate. Ignoring the look on his face, I asked, “You let him win, didn’t you?”
Damian couldn’t keep a straight face. “Yeah.”
I laughed. “You didn’t even try to lie.”
“What’s the point? You know anyway.”
“You made his day,” I said, nodding in Brennan’s direction.
“He deserves it.”
As the party wore down, guests trickled out, and I slumped down on the sofa. Damian had promised Tammy he’d help clean up. My head had begun to pound after the trip to the bathroom, but it wasn’t bad enough to call it a night yet.
Brennan sat down next to me, a huge smile on his face.
“Did you see me beat your boyfriend?”
“I sure did. Nice job!” I gave him a fist-bump.
Brennan’s smile faded. “Are you okay, Kate?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Hey, I’ve got something for you,” I said, digging in my purse. Finding the white envelope, I handed it to him. “You have to promise me something though.”
Brennan nodded. “Okay.”
“No thank-you's.”
Brennan’s brows knit together. “Why?”
“Because thank-you's are like good-byes.”
“Okay,” he drawled out.
“Don’t open it here.”
“Okay.”
“And send Damian a picture.”
Again, confusion glazed over his boyish face.
I laughed. “You’ll understand when you open it.”
Brennan gave me a hug which was better than any “thank you.”
I curled up on the sofa, my head on a pillow that Damian brought me. Damian’s gaze shot in my direction every few minutes, and when it did, I offered a reassuring smile. The headache was getting worse by the second, and by the time the party ended, it had overtaken me.
The lights in the room blurred into fragments of gold, and the people were no more than fuzz. I tried to tell Damian I wanted to leave, but I’m not sure how far I got. Somehow, I still caught the fear in Damian’s eyes before I fainted.